9 Ways to Handle Regret Marrying an Affair Partner

Key Takeaways:

• Identify root causes of regret
• Therapy can aid emotional healing
• Communicate openly about your feelings
• Reflect on past decisions thoughtfully
• Building support helps recovery

We're human; we make decisions that, in hindsight, we wish we hadn't. If you regret marrying your affair partner, you're not alone, and feeling conflicted doesn't make you a bad person. Love and lust can spark overwhelming emotions, but the reality of marriage often demands much more.

When you pursued your affair, you probably felt alive, connected, and validated in ways that had been missing. But now, married life with that same person may have unveiled a world of complications, deep wounds, and unresolved trust issues.

Let's talk through how you got here and, more importantly, what to do next to reclaim your emotional peace and find clarity.

7 reasons people marry their affair partners

Deciding to marry your affair partner is complicated. The emotions running high during an affair can feel like the real thing, or even something “more real” than what you've ever experienced. But why do people make this choice? It's important to understand the reasoning, even if those reasons may not always hold up over time.

1. Belief in a deeper connection

One of the most common justifications is the belief in a profound, soul-level bond. When you're having an affair, the intensity of emotions can be off the charts. “You feel understood in ways you've never been before,” says Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity. This feeling of being truly seen and known drives many to think this connection is one-of-a-kind and worth building a future around.

But here's the reality: emotional highs are often a product of the secrecy, the thrill, and the contrast to a stale or unhappy primary relationship. The brain releases a flood of dopamine during an affair, creating an exhilarating attachment that can feel irreplaceable. It doesn't necessarily mean this connection will thrive under the weight of everyday responsibilities.

2. Desire for happiness

Let's face it: everyone deserves to be happy. And if you were unhappy or unfulfilled in your previous relationship, an affair can seem like an escape route. Marrying the person who brought back laughter and excitement feels logical in the moment.

We crave what makes us happy, and sometimes we grasp at that happiness without considering whether it's sustainable. It's human nature. But the harsh truth is that happiness built on a foundation of infidelity often comes with strings attached. Lingering doubts, broken trust, and a complicated past can erode that initial bliss. Still, the desire to hold onto joy can be a powerful motivator, even when it clouds judgment.

3. Escaping an unhappy marriage

Marriage, when miserable, can feel suffocating. Affairs often become a desperate attempt to breathe. If your spouse neglected or hurt you, the affair might have felt like a saving grace. Leaving that misery and choosing the person who made you feel alive again? On paper, it seems like a fair trade.

However, escape-based decisions are rarely clean breaks. The unresolved trauma, resentment, or issues from your previous marriage don't automatically disappear. These ghosts can follow you into your new marriage, making it difficult to truly start fresh. Instead of running away from unhappiness, consider whether you've healed from your past, or if you're still carrying emotional baggage that could sabotage your new union.

4. Shared experiences and challenges

Affairs often form in the trenches of life's hardships. Maybe you connected with your affair partner over shared struggles, whether they were professional, emotional, or even the complications of being in unsatisfying marriages.

These shared experiences can create a sense of camaraderie and understanding. You think, “This person gets me because they've lived through the same storms.” That bond can feel deeply intimate, even sacred.

Yet relationships built on pain and challenges might not be as enduring as you hope. When the storms pass, and life normalizes, the bond you shared might not feel as vital. Building a marriage on mutual trauma requires a lot of self-work and healing, not just romantic chemistry.

5. Fear of being alone

Loneliness can be terrifying. The idea of ending up alone, especially after investing so much time and emotion into a marriage or relationship, often drives people to make hasty choices. If you've married your affair partner, that fear of solitude may have been a bigger motivator than you initially realized.

We all crave connection. Being alone often gets mistaken for failure or inadequacy, especially in a world that glorifies coupledom. But basing your entire future on a relationship that started as an escape from loneliness can lead to regret. The fear of solitude might have obscured your ability to evaluate whether this new marriage genuinely fulfilled your needs or just temporarily eased that isolation.

6. Pressure and expectations

When you leave a marriage for an affair partner, people have expectations. Friends, family, and even society watch with a mixture of curiosity and judgment. Sometimes, you feel compelled to prove that the risk you took was worth it. This pressure can force you into a corner where staying in an unhappy situation feels better than admitting defeat.

The expectations aren't just external. Internally, you might feel like you owe it to yourself, or even your affair partner, to make things work. This internal dialogue often amplifies feelings of obligation, which can lead to a heavy sense of duty rather than genuine joy. Living up to those pressures might mean staying in a marriage that feels wrong, just to avoid disappointing others or yourself.

7. Optimism about change

We're all optimistic creatures at heart. Humans cling to hope that things will improve, that love will evolve, and that people can grow and change together. If you married your affair partner, you probably believed the relationship could transform into something lasting and stable.

Maybe you convinced yourself that whatever baggage you carried would eventually become manageable. Or perhaps you thought that the honeymoon phase would last long enough for you both to settle into a healthier dynamic. This hope isn't foolish; it's natural. But misplaced optimism can become a trap, especially if you find yourself constantly waiting for change that never arrives.

Marriage with an affair partner: Reasons why you might regret the union

Reality has a way of unfolding in harsh, unfiltered ways. Marrying an affair partner can bring on a unique set of challenges, and you might find that the very aspects that attracted you to them become sources of conflict or regret.

Let's dig into why you may be grappling with these feelings now. Understanding the reasons behind your regrets can shed light on whether reconciliation is possible or if a different path might lead to greater emotional peace.

1. Trust issues

Trust is the backbone of any lasting relationship. But when your marriage started as an affair, building that trust becomes an uphill battle. The very foundation of your union comes with a shadow—if the relationship began with lies, both of you may wonder if those lies will resurface.

It's common to question each other's fidelity. After all, if cheating was part of your shared past, who's to say it won't be part of your future? This constant doubt can turn even minor disagreements into full-blown crises, draining emotional energy and creating a sense of instability.

Think about it: can true intimacy flourish when suspicions always loom?

2. Social and family ostracization

Marriage doesn't exist in a vacuum. Your relationship impacts and involves others—children, friends, extended family. Marrying your affair partner can lead to judgment and distance from those who once supported you. People you love may feel betrayed or struggle to accept your new reality.

Social ostracization stings. Weddings are supposed to bring families together, but yours may have done the opposite. Even the most robust relationships can buckle under the pressure of social isolation. When loved ones cut ties or treat your union with skepticism, you might find yourself feeling more alone than ever.

Rebuilding these bridges takes time and, in some cases, may never fully happen.

3. The basis of the relationship

It's uncomfortable to admit, but sometimes the excitement of an affair is more about escaping the old rather than truly loving the new. Your relationship might have thrived in secrecy and spontaneity, where real-life responsibilities rarely intruded. But what happens when you have to face bills, mortgages, or family obligations?

The thrilling chemistry of sneaking around can vanish when replaced by the monotony of everyday life. Did you fall in love with the person or with the experience of being with them? If the relationship was built on escaping reality, facing the realities of marriage can lead to an overwhelming sense of disillusionment.

4. Guilt and shame

Marrying your affair partner can leave you carrying a heavy emotional load. Guilt and shame are complicated feelings, often lingering long after the wedding vows. The impact of breaking up a family or hurting your ex-spouse doesn't simply disappear. It lingers, surfacing in unexpected ways and coloring your new relationship with shades of regret.

These feelings may manifest as defensiveness or hypersensitivity. You might overcompensate, trying desperately to justify your actions to others—and to yourself. Living with this emotional burden isn't easy, and without addressing it, the guilt can slowly erode your sense of well-being and the health of your marriage.

5. Unrealistic expectations

When you start a new relationship in the middle of an affair, it's easy to paint a fantasy. The stakes are high, and you might have imagined your marriage would be the solution to all your problems. This can create sky-high expectations that are nearly impossible to meet.

Maybe you believed your new partner would never disappoint you the way your ex did. Or perhaps you thought passion and excitement would always be there, without much effort. But real relationships take work. When the reality doesn't match the dream, feelings of resentment and disappointment can bubble up, leaving you wondering if you made the wrong choice.

Managing these expectations is crucial, but not always straightforward.

6. Handling conflict

Every marriage has conflicts, but a relationship born from infidelity often comes with a unique set of arguments. The emotional baggage from how you got together adds fuel to every disagreement. Conflicts about jealousy, blame, or unresolved trauma from past relationships can become explosive.

If you married your affair partner thinking that all your arguments would vanish once you tied the knot, reality might feel like a rude awakening. The way you both handle conflict will make or break the relationship. Learning to fight fairly, respect each other's triggers, and communicate openly is critical.

Remember: how you argue is often more important than what you argue about. Without healthy strategies, small issues can turn into insurmountable problems, leaving deep cracks in your emotional connection.

7. Lack of support

Relationships thrive when they are surrounded by a network of support. But when your marriage comes from an affair, that support often shrinks. Friends and family members might distance themselves, either because they disagree with your choices or simply don't know how to support you.

This lack of support can be isolating. You may feel like you're navigating the ups and downs of marriage without the usual encouragement and backup. It's tough, and it's painful. Sometimes, it feels like the world has turned its back, and that sense of abandonment only adds to your struggle.

Finding your way back to a supportive circle—or creating a new one—is a vital part of rebuilding your confidence and your relationship.

8. The impact on children

If children are involved, the complexities multiply. Kids often bear the brunt of their parents' choices, even if you try to shield them. Adjusting to a new step-parent or a blended family dynamic can be traumatic, especially when there are lingering feelings of betrayal or resentment.

Children might struggle with loyalty conflicts, anger, or confusion. They can feel caught between parents, or worse, like they're losing their sense of family stability. Watching your children suffer can heighten your regret and compound your feelings of guilt.

Being mindful of their emotional well-being is critical. Open, age-appropriate conversations and consistent routines can help, but the emotional scars may take time to heal.

9. Nostalgia and comparison

It's easy to romanticize the past, especially when faced with present difficulties. You might find yourself longing for the simpler days of your first marriage, remembering only the good parts while forgetting why you left in the first place. Nostalgia can be seductive, making your current struggles feel even more unbearable.

Comparison, too, is a dangerous trap. You may compare your affair partner to your ex-spouse, mentally listing every way they fall short. This can create a vicious cycle of dissatisfaction and resentment, feeding your regret and making it nearly impossible to move forward.

Breaking free from this cycle requires a lot of reflection and a willingness to accept that no relationship is perfect—past or present.

9 sensible ways to proceed if you regret marrying an affair partner

If you're feeling regret, don't lose hope. You're not stuck. There are practical and thoughtful ways to address your feelings and work toward a healthier emotional space, whether that means repairing the marriage or making a new decision.

1. Acknowledge your feelings

The first step is to be honest with yourself. Suppressing regret or pretending everything is fine only creates more emotional turmoil. Acknowledging your feelings doesn't mean you've failed; it means you're human.

Take time to sit with your emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. Journaling can help you articulate what you're experiencing. Are you truly unhappy, or are you just overwhelmed? Understanding your feelings allows you to decide how to move forward with clarity and self-compassion.

2. Seek individual counseling

Sometimes, untangling your emotions requires professional guidance. A counselor can help you make sense of your regret, unpack the layers of guilt, and work through any trauma lingering from your previous or current relationships. Therapy provides a safe space where you can express your worries without judgment.

Don't underestimate the power of self-exploration. Understanding your patterns, triggers, and why you made certain decisions can be transformative. A good therapist can guide you toward healthier perspectives and coping strategies, which might be exactly what you need to regain your footing.

3. Open communication

Honesty with your partner is key, even if it's uncomfortable. If you're feeling regret, they probably sense it on some level. Bottling up your emotions will only drive a deeper wedge between you two. Have the tough conversations, but aim for a tone of vulnerability rather than blame.

Explain how you feel and why. Use “I” statements, like, “I feel disconnected because...” rather than pointing fingers. Open communication can pave the way for understanding and, hopefully, a shared commitment to work on the marriage. But remember: communication isn't just about speaking. Listening is equally, if not more, important.

4. Reflect on the reasons

Take a hard look at what motivated you to marry your affair partner in the first place. Was it love, lust, or something else entirely? Were you seeking validation or running from unhappiness? This self-reflection can be enlightening.

Understanding your motivations can help you assess whether your regret is rooted in genuine incompatibility or if it stems from unhealed wounds. Knowing the “why” behind your choices offers clarity and can guide you toward meaningful solutions, whether that means investing more in your current marriage or rethinking your path entirely.

5. Explore forgiveness

Forgiveness is complicated. It's not just about forgiving your partner for their role in the affair or the current struggles you both face. It's also about forgiving yourself for the choices you made. Self-forgiveness is crucial for moving forward, even if it feels impossibly hard at first.

Resentment and self-blame keep you anchored to the past. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting or excusing; it means accepting that you're imperfect and that mistakes are part of being human. Working on forgiveness can bring a sense of peace that helps you navigate whatever lies ahead.

6. Consider couples therapy

If both of you are committed to making things work, couples therapy can be a game-changer. A neutral, trained professional can facilitate discussions, help you both express your needs, and offer techniques to rebuild trust and intimacy. Therapy might uncover issues you didn't even know existed, and that's a good thing.

Sometimes, having a third party guide your conversations can illuminate blind spots and teach you healthier ways to connect. Don't wait for things to become unbearable before seeking help; therapy works best when both partners are still willing to put in the effort.

7. Focus on personal growth

Regret can make you feel stuck, but personal growth gives you a sense of progress. Invest in yourself. Take up a new hobby, read self-help books, or dive into activities that bring you joy and confidence. Focusing on self-improvement can also make you a better partner.

Remember, you are more than your relationship. Becoming the best version of yourself will not only boost your self-esteem but also make you more resilient, no matter what the future holds. Growth is empowering, and sometimes, the only way to truly move forward is to evolve from the inside out.

8. Make a plan for the future

When regret clouds your present, it's easy to feel lost and directionless. Making a plan for the future gives you a sense of control and purpose. Ask yourself: what do you truly want from your marriage or your life? Setting clear goals—whether emotional, relational, or even financial—can guide your next steps.

Maybe your plan involves giving your marriage a real shot, with set milestones to track your progress. Or perhaps it means considering a separation, but only after certain conditions are met. Having a strategy in place can ease anxiety and give you a road map, even if you need to adjust it along the way.

Just remember, plans aren't set in stone. Be flexible and patient with yourself as new insights and feelings emerge.

9. Build a support system

No one should navigate emotional turmoil alone. A strong support system can make a world of difference, providing empathy, perspective, and sometimes a much-needed reality check. Your support network might include friends, family members, or even online communities where others have faced similar struggles.

Choose people who genuinely want what's best for you. Surrounding yourself with those who uplift you can lessen the feelings of isolation and give you the courage to take meaningful action. Lean on those who can listen without judgment, but also be open to feedback, even when it's hard to hear.

Support heals. It strengthens. Don't underestimate how much a caring community can help you weather this storm.

FAQs

Do marriages with affair partners last?

It depends. Some marriages that started as affairs survive and even thrive, but many face significant challenges. The initial excitement often wears off, revealing unresolved issues like trust, guilt, and social judgment. According to therapist and author Dr. Shirley Glass in Not “Just Friends”, about 25% of relationships that began as affairs result in lasting marriages. However, success requires both partners to work exceptionally hard to build trust and a solid foundation.

Do husbands regret having an affair?

Regret is common, but it varies based on individual circumstances. Some husbands deeply regret the pain they caused and the consequences of their actions, while others may not feel remorse until they experience loss or damage to their relationships. The emotional aftermath of an affair often brings complicated feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion. In many cases, facing these emotions head-on, through counseling or self-reflection, becomes a critical part of healing.

What percentages of couples stay together after an affair?

The statistics around couples staying together after an affair are sobering, yet also surprisingly hopeful in some cases. Studies suggest that between 60% to 75% of couples attempt to salvage their marriage after an affair. The outcome depends heavily on the commitment of both partners to rebuild trust and the quality of the emotional work they put in.

That said, staying together doesn't always mean thriving. It often requires extensive counseling and a willingness to dig deep into the root causes of infidelity. As Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship expert, has pointed out, “The healing process is long, but it can lead to a stronger relationship if both partners are willing to be vulnerable and rebuild together.”

Do husbands ever regret leaving for another woman?

Yes, many husbands do experience regret after leaving their spouse for another woman. The grass isn't always greener, and the initial excitement of a new relationship often fades. Once the reality of everyday life sets in, they may realize they've exchanged one set of problems for another.

Additionally, guilt and the emotional impact of hurting their former family can weigh heavily over time. A study published in Psychology Today highlights that men who leave for an affair partner frequently report feelings of loss and disappointment when the relationship doesn't live up to their expectations.

But regret varies. Some men find fulfillment in their new relationships, while others live with the emotional consequences indefinitely.

Is an affair really love?

Affairs can feel like love, but often they're a cocktail of intense emotions, escapism, and unmet needs. The thrill and secrecy amplify feelings, making it easy to mistake infatuation for deep love. Affairs are fueled by novelty and the fantasy of a life free from the daily grind of real-world responsibilities.

Genuine love is built on honesty, commitment, and shared values—not secrecy and betrayal. Esther Perel, a well-known psychotherapist, explains, “Affairs often exist in the realm of the imagined, where everything seems perfect. It's not until we take these relationships out of the shadows that we see them for what they really are.”

Love may emerge from an affair, but it requires a radical transformation to become healthy and enduring.

Reflecting on choices

Regret can teach us hard lessons about love, commitment, and what we truly want from our lives. If you're reflecting on your choices and feeling conflicted, give yourself grace. Growth often comes from discomfort, and understanding what led you here can guide you toward a more authentic and fulfilling future.

Whether you choose to stay, work on your marriage, or move on, let your reflection be honest and compassionate. Your past doesn't define you, but it can inform how you move forward with greater wisdom and self-awareness.

Recommended Resources

• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel – An exploration of desire, relationships, and infidelity.
• Not “Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass – A deep dive into rebuilding trust after betrayal.
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman – Practical advice on strengthening your relationship.