19 Crippling Effects of Being the Other Woman

Key Takeaways:

• Being the other woman is emotionally draining
• Feelings of guilt and isolation are common
• Trust issues often extend to self-trust
• Seeking support and self-care is crucial
• Space and honest evaluation bring healing

Imagine this: you're in love, but the love you feel comes with shadows. The darkness of knowing you're not the primary partner, that you exist in secret, is suffocating. Being the other woman isn't just a title; it's an emotional rollercoaster that can leave your psyche bruised and broken. We often don't talk about it because society doesn't allow much space for sympathy or understanding.

Yet, when you're in this role, the emotional toll can be devastating. “Emotional infidelity can create psychological consequences akin to those of physical trauma,” writes Esther Perel, a relationship expert. The complex web of emotions, from guilt to anger to longing, messes with your mental health. Let's unpack how deep this can go and why it's crucial to give your feelings the acknowledgment they deserve.

What is it like being the other woman?

Being the other woman is a unique kind of heartache. It's a love you must hide, a relationship that doesn't fit into the mold of what society deems acceptable. The joy of being wanted by someone is there, sure, but it's tangled with crushing emotions that can feel overwhelming.

Maybe you feel the rush when he texts you in the middle of the night or the thrill of secret encounters. But that thrill fades, and you're left wondering if any of this will be enough. You ask yourself constantly: Do I deserve this? Am I worth more than this?

What's tricky is the contradiction: you feel desired and rejected at the same time. There's something deeply disorienting about craving someone's affection while knowing you're not the one they come home to. It's like an emotional push-and-pull that can leave lasting scars. And you're not alone. So many others are quietly dealing with this inner turmoil, but society rarely gives them a voice.

19 crippling psychological effects of being the other woman

When we talk about the psychological impact of being the other woman, we're not dealing with just one feeling. No, it's a storm of conflicting emotions that can make it hard to think straight, let alone feel whole. From guilt to anxiety, let's dive into the gut-wrenching effects that make this role so mentally draining.

1. Guilt

Guilt is one of the heaviest emotions you carry. It's not just about the moral conflict of being involved in a love triangle; it's the sense of betrayal you're part of. You're aware that your actions are causing pain to someone else, even if you've never met them. Cognitive dissonance—a psychological theory coined by Leon Festinger—perfectly describes the inner conflict you experience when your actions don't align with your values.

This guilt doesn't just sit in the background. It seeps into your daily life, clouding your thoughts and making even simple joys hard to appreciate. You start to feel unworthy of happiness, plagued by a self-inflicted emotional prison.

2. Sadness

Sadness creeps in like a shadow you can't shake off. It's not just sadness about what you're missing; it's the sorrow of realizing that your relationship might never be normal, might never be enough. Even when you feel happy, there's an underlying grief for what this love could have been if it were real and public.

Moments of joy are fleeting, and sadness becomes the default. This isn't just sadness over the relationship; it's sadness over the parts of yourself you've had to compromise. The emotional cost builds up, and before you know it, you're mourning more than you ever thought possible.

3. That feeling of being alone

Loneliness isn't just a passing feeling; it digs deep, making you feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Even in crowded rooms, that sense of being out of place gnaws at you. Why? Because the relationship you're in isn't one you can talk about openly. Friends may not understand, and if they knew, judgment could replace the empathy you crave.

You're left dealing with emotions that feel too heavy to bear alone. This isolation compounds over time, making you question if the secret love is worth the heavy price of separation from your true self and from others. It's like living with a part of you in the shadows, where no one can reach.

4. Betrayal

Ironically, betrayal comes in layers when you're the other woman. You feel betrayed by him when promises go unfulfilled or when reality slaps you with the harsh truth that you're not the one he's choosing, day after day. Then there's the betrayal you feel toward yourself. Maybe you promised you'd never be in this situation, yet here you are.

This betrayal can create deep wounds, making trust feel like a fragile thing. You might even start to believe that if you can't be faithful to your own values, then how can you ever expect loyalty from anyone else? It's a cycle that leaves you feeling used and betrayed by the very heart that chose to love.

5. Constant emotional stress

Being the other woman comes with relentless stress. You live in a state of high alert, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will someone find out? Will he leave you hanging, again? This constant tension makes it nearly impossible to fully relax or feel secure.

Chronic stress doesn't just mess with your emotions; it takes a toll on your physical health too. Cortisol, the stress hormone, floods your body and makes you feel exhausted, both mentally and physically. Over time, the stress feels never-ending, making each day a challenge to simply get through.

6. Anger and resentment

Anger simmers beneath the surface. You're angry at him for not choosing you, angry at the world for judging you, and maybe most of all, angry at yourself. Resentment grows when you realize you've been waiting for something that may never come. All the canceled plans, the quiet nights spent alone, the broken promises—they pile up, feeding that anger.

Psychologically, unresolved anger can manifest in harmful ways, such as turning inward and damaging your self-esteem or projecting outward, causing conflict in other areas of your life. You might catch yourself thinking, “Why am I doing this to myself?” The truth is, anger needs an outlet, or it will continue to poison the love you once believed was pure.

7. The fear of the future

Fear of the future can become an almost constant companion. You're stuck in limbo, unsure of what's next, or if there even is a next chapter. Will he ever leave his partner, or are you wasting precious years on a dream that may never come true?

Planning becomes a challenge. You can't make long-term decisions confidently when the future feels so uncertain. It's not just the practical aspects, either. Emotionally, you're trapped in a state of anxious waiting, and that can make you feel powerless, like a leaf being carried away by the current.

8. Feeling manipulated

Manipulation is a bitter pill to swallow. Sometimes, it's subtle. Sweet words, empty promises, and just enough affection to keep you invested. Other times, it's more overt, like gaslighting your concerns or making you feel guilty for asking for more. You might start to wonder: Is he genuinely conflicted, or is he playing me?

When manipulation rears its ugly head, it shatters your sense of control. You feel trapped in a cycle where your needs come second. Recognizing manipulation is the first step, but dealing with the emotional aftermath is a whole different beast.

9. Feeling insecure

Insecurity becomes your constant shadow. You might question everything: Am I not good enough? Is she prettier, smarter, more lovable than I am? The comparisons are relentless, and they eat away at your confidence.

Relationships are supposed to make you feel secure, but being the other woman can have the opposite effect. The constant doubt and second-guessing mess with your mind, making it hard to see your own worth. Insecurity doesn't just affect this relationship—it can seep into other areas of your life, clouding your sense of self.

10. Social stigma

The social stigma is real, and it's brutal. Society doesn't hold back its judgment when it comes to infidelity. Even if people don't know your story, the fear of being exposed and shamed hangs over you like a dark cloud.

You might avoid opening up to friends or keep your relationship details vague to dodge judgmental looks. The pressure to keep everything secret adds to the isolation, reinforcing the idea that your feelings are something to be ashamed of. And let's face it, that stigma can feel suffocating, making you wonder if your love story will ever be viewed as valid.

11. Your self-esteem might take a beating

Being the other woman often chips away at your self-esteem. You feel second best, like a hidden secret rather than someone who deserves to be celebrated. It's hard to feel confident when your relationship is based on the premise that you're not the first choice.

Every time you're canceled on, or every holiday you spend alone, it reinforces the feeling that you're not worth prioritizing. Over time, this can erode your sense of self, making you question your own value. “Self-worth is tied to how we are treated in our closest relationships,” as psychologist Nathaniel Branden once said. When treated poorly, it becomes a struggle to see yourself as deserving of love and respect.

12. Deep trust issues

Trust is a fragile thing, and being in a relationship built on lies and deception can leave you with lasting trust issues. If he's lying to her, how do you know he's not lying to you too? You might start to view all relationships through a skeptical lens, always waiting for the inevitable betrayal.

These trust issues don't just go away when the relationship ends. They can follow you into your next partnership, making genuine connection difficult. When you've been burned, learning to trust again is like trying to hold sand in your hands—an uphill battle that demands time and healing.

13. You may stop trusting yourself

Self-trust is the foundation of your decision-making ability, but being the other woman shakes that foundation to its core. You might begin to doubt your own judgment, wondering how you ended up in this tangled web. It's easy to blame yourself, thinking, “How did I let this happen?”

Over time, second-guessing becomes second nature. Each decision feels like it carries more weight, and you may even start to fear making choices because you no longer trust yourself to choose wisely. The voice in your head grows louder, constantly reminding you of past mistakes and making it difficult to trust in your own intuition.

14. Sneaking around can get exhausting

All the sneaking, the hiding, the constant vigilance—it takes a toll. Meeting in secret places, crafting believable excuses, and deleting messages feels thrilling at first, but it quickly becomes draining. Living a double life demands more energy than you might realize, and it's an emotional marathon you never signed up for.

The exhaustion creeps up slowly, but one day, you feel it. You're tired of pretending, tired of lying, tired of feeling like every moment with him is borrowed time. What was once exciting becomes a burden, making you yearn for a life of honesty and simplicity.

15. The stress could cause you to become inconsistent and emotionally unbalanced

Constant stress doesn't just live in your mind; it spills into your behavior. The emotional whiplash of highs and lows makes it difficult to maintain stability. One moment, you're on top of the world when he's attentive and loving. The next, you're in the depths of despair when he cancels or seems distant.

This emotional inconsistency seeps into other parts of your life. You may find yourself snapping at friends, crying for no reason, or feeling overwhelmed by the smallest tasks. It's exhausting to feel so emotionally unbalanced, and eventually, the stress can make you feel like you're losing control.

16. Loss of personal identity

Who are you outside of this relationship? When your world revolves around stolen moments and secret meetings, it's easy to lose touch with your true self. Your wants, dreams, and needs become secondary, often overshadowed by the relationship's demands and limitations.

Over time, you might feel like a shadow of who you used to be. The parts of yourself that made you unique—your ambitions, your hobbies, your friendships—fade away. Reclaiming your personal identity becomes essential, but it's hard to remember who you are when so much of your energy is invested in someone who can't give you a full commitment.

17. Anxiety over being discovered

The fear of being found out is relentless. Your heart races when his phone rings, when someone mentions his partner, or when you're nearly caught in a compromising situation. Anxiety looms over you, making your body tense and your mind spiral with worst-case scenarios.

This constant state of fear isn't just nerve-wracking; it's exhausting. Living in perpetual anxiety can lead to sleepless nights, panic attacks, or an overwhelming sense of dread. The worry of hurting others, and the repercussions that come with it, never truly goes away, leaving you trapped in a loop of fear and anticipation.

18. Hyper-vigilance

When you're constantly worried about being caught, hyper-vigilance becomes your default mode. You notice every detail—how his tone of voice changes, how people glance your way, or whether someone might know more than they're letting on. Your senses are always heightened, as if you're bracing for an emotional earthquake.

This state of alertness makes it hard to relax. You're always scanning for threats, analyzing conversations, and anticipating drama. It's draining to live in this heightened state of awareness, and your mind rarely gets the break it needs to feel truly at ease. Hyper-vigilance might protect you temporarily, but it keeps you trapped in survival mode, far from the peace you long for.

19. Cynicism about relationships

When you've been the other woman, cynicism can take root, and it's hard to shake. You've seen the ugly side of love—the lies, the broken promises, the selfishness—and it's difficult to believe in the fairy-tale version of relationships after that. You may start to think, “Does true love even exist, or is everyone destined to betray?”

It's understandable. Trust in the goodness of others, in the honesty of love, feels misplaced when your own experience has shown you how easily people can deceive. You might become wary of even the most genuine romantic gestures, doubting sincerity where none needs to be doubted. Cynicism shields you from future hurt, but it also holds you back from experiencing real, vulnerable connection.

How do you deal with being the other woman?

Facing the truth and finding a way to move forward isn't easy, but it is possible. You don't have to be trapped in this emotional turmoil forever. Here's where to start: reclaiming your sense of self-worth, setting boundaries, and learning to care for your well-being. Let's break down how to begin this healing journey.

1. Determine precisely what you deserve

First and foremost, ask yourself: What do you really deserve in love and life? Be brutally honest. Do you deserve to feel like an afterthought, or do you deserve someone who chooses you—unapologetically and in full view of the world?

It's time to put your needs first, even if that means acknowledging that this relationship can't meet them. Sometimes, writing down your ideal relationship can clarify how far you've strayed from what you truly want. Remember, you have a right to a love that uplifts you, not one that keeps you hidden.

2. Talk to him, don't fight

Communication is key, even if it feels impossible. Avoid dramatic confrontations that only escalate the pain and confusion. Instead, have an open, honest conversation. Express your feelings calmly and explain your needs. You might be surprised by the clarity that comes from an adult, no-games discussion.

Remember, the goal isn't to beg or convince him to make a choice. It's about advocating for yourself and understanding where you both stand. If he's unwilling to provide a clear path forward, that may be all the information you need.

3. You might need to create space between you

Distance can be a lifesaver. If he's unwilling to change, or if you need time to figure out what's next, creating physical and emotional space can help. This isn't about playing hard to get; it's about giving yourself the room to breathe, reflect, and heal.

Take this time to focus on self-care. Rediscover hobbies you've let go of, strengthen friendships that may have been neglected, and pour your energy into activities that bring you joy. Sometimes, stepping away allows you to see the situation more clearly and feel stronger in your decision-making.

4. Know when to seek professional help

Sometimes, the weight of being the other woman is too heavy to carry alone. That's okay. Recognizing when it's time to ask for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you're feeling trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, anxiety, or depression, seeking guidance from a therapist can be a game-changer.

Therapists can help you process the deep-rooted emotions and trauma you've experienced. They can offer coping strategies and guide you toward healthier relationship patterns. Don't wait until you feel completely overwhelmed; even a few sessions can help you regain a sense of control and clarity.

5. Practice self-care

Self-care isn't just about bubble baths and face masks (though those are great too). It's about actively prioritizing your well-being. This could mean setting boundaries to protect your emotional energy or choosing activities that make you feel whole and happy.

Maybe you love yoga, long walks in nature, or losing yourself in a good book. Or perhaps self-care means finally getting that extra hour of sleep you've been missing. Whatever it looks like for you, make self-care a non-negotiable part of your routine. Healing requires both time and attention to your needs.

6. Evaluate the relationship's impact on your future

Take a moment to imagine your future. Is this relationship steering you toward the life you've always envisioned, or is it holding you back? Be brutally honest. The fantasy of a happy ending might be tempting, but if reality keeps telling a different story, it's time to reevaluate.

Think about your personal goals—career, family, or dreams you've shelved because of the relationship. Is staying in this situation helping you grow, or is it stunting your potential? Evaluating the impact can be painful, but it's necessary for choosing what's best for your long-term happiness.

7. Seek support from trusted friends or support groups

You don't have to go through this alone. Sharing your struggles with a trusted friend can provide immense relief, even if it's just to hear someone say, “I'm here for you.” Choose people who won't judge but will offer a safe space to vent and reflect.

Support groups, whether in-person or online, can also be valuable. There's something incredibly healing about connecting with others who've been in your shoes. They understand your pain and can offer empathy and advice that comes from experience. Sometimes, the right support makes all the difference in finding your way forward.

FAQs

Here, we'll answer some of the most common questions about the mental and emotional toll of being the other woman, and how to start on the path toward recovery.

What are the mental effects of being the other woman?

The psychological impact of being the other woman can be immense. Feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing are common, often taking a serious toll on your self-worth. Anxiety becomes a daily companion as you constantly worry about being found out, or worse, being abandoned when you've given so much of yourself.

Depression can creep in too, especially when the reality of your situation sinks in and the initial excitement wears off. You might feel unworthy of love and question your value, leading to an internal struggle that makes it difficult to trust others—and yourself. It's a vicious cycle, and without intervention, these mental effects can linger far longer than you'd like.

How to recover from being the other woman?

Healing from this experience is possible, but it requires intentional effort. Start by cutting ties with the relationship, if you haven't already. Removing that toxic influence from your life is the first step toward regaining your sense of peace.

Next, practice forgiveness—of both yourself and the person who hurt you. This doesn't mean condoning what happened but letting go of the resentment that's eating at you. Journaling can be therapeutic, allowing you to release pent-up emotions in a healthy way.

Remember, healing isn't linear. Some days you'll feel on top of the world, and other days, the weight of the past will feel suffocating. Be gentle with yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out for professional support if the emotional burden feels too heavy.

What's it like to be the other woman?

Being the other woman can feel like living in a dual reality. On one side, there's passion, excitement, and the feeling of being desired. On the other, there's pain, guilt, and the knowledge that this love story will never truly be yours. It's intoxicating yet incredibly isolating.

Moments of joy are fleeting, tainted by the constant fear of exposure and the heartbreak of never being fully chosen. You're left feeling like a secret, an afterthought. The emotional rollercoaster is exhausting, and while the highs can be exhilarating, the lows are often devastating.

Does the pain of being the one someone cheated for ever go away?

The pain does fade, but it doesn't disappear overnight. Healing from this kind of hurt is a journey that takes time, self-reflection, and a lot of self-love. The sting of betrayal, the regret, and the loss of innocence will soften with distance and personal growth.

In time, you'll find that the experience has shaped you, but it doesn't have to define you. The lessons you learn about self-worth, boundaries, and what you truly deserve can be transformative. Eventually, the pain becomes a part of your past, something you survived and grew stronger from.

Be firm and affirmative

Moving forward means being firm in your boundaries and affirming your own worth. Don't waver when it comes to your needs and values. If someone cannot honor them, they don't deserve your energy. Stand tall in the knowledge that you deserve more—more love, more respect, more authenticity.

Practice affirming yourself daily. Remind yourself that you're worthy of love that doesn't come with conditions or secrecy. When you believe this at your core, you'll be less likely to settle for relationships that don't honor your worth. Stay strong, and know that being firm in what you deserve isn't selfish; it's self-preserving.

Recommended Resources

• The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel – A powerful look at infidelity and its impact on relationships.
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – Useful for understanding relationship dynamics and attachment styles.
• Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood – A classic read for anyone struggling with unhealthy relationship patterns.