How to Comfort Someone Who's Grieving: 5 Essential Tips

Key Takeaways:

• Grief is a personal, unique experience.
• Listening with empathy is key to support.
• Offer practical help without pressuring them.
• Watch for signs of depression in grieving people.
• Grieving children need special, sensitive care.

Grief is one of those emotional experiences that can feel like a heavy, unshakable fog. If someone close to you is mourning the loss of a loved one, you might find yourself wondering: "How can I help them through this?" It's natural to want to ease their pain, but knowing what to say or do can feel tricky. The truth is, supporting someone who's grieving requires patience, empathy, and understanding that their grief is as unique as they are.

Psychologically, grief is often viewed through the lens of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's famous five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages aren't linear, they provide insight into how a person might move through the grieving process. What's important to remember is that their journey through grief will be unpredictable. There will be good days, and there will be really hard ones. But with the right support, they don't have to go through it alone.

“When someone you love dies, the world becomes a different place,” says psychologist and grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfelt. It's not just about offering words of comfort but also creating a space where they feel heard, understood, and loved. So, if you're wondering how to support someone grieving, keep reading for tips that will make a meaningful difference in their healing journey.

How to support someone who's grieving

Supporting someone who is grieving can feel intimidating. Grief isn't something we can fix, but we can certainly help ease the burden. Knowing how to support someone who's mourning a loved one is about more than just words—it's about showing up, being present, and offering the kind of empathy that allows them to feel heard without feeling judged. If you're asking yourself, “What can I say to someone who lost a loved one?” or “How can I help someone grieving?”, the answer lies in understanding that grief doesn't follow a script. It's messy, complicated, and intensely personal. But even in the chaos, your support matters.

The keys to helping a loved one who's grieving

There are no one-size-fits-all solutions when it comes to grief. However, there are certain core principles that apply universally. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a renowned grief counselor, suggests that the most important thing we can offer someone who's grieving is simply our presence. “Grief is not something to be fixed. It's something to be witnessed,” he says. This is key: just being there—whether it's physically, emotionally, or even virtually—makes a world of difference.

Another essential element is acknowledging the person's pain without minimizing it. Sometimes, we try to make others feel better by offering platitudes like “They're in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason,” but these can feel dismissive. Instead, let them express their feelings and meet them where they are. Grief needs space to breathe, and it's our job to hold that space with compassion.

Helping a grieving person tip 1: Understand the grieving process

To truly help someone grieving, it's essential to understand the grieving process itself. Grief isn't a linear path with a clear beginning and end. Instead, it's an unpredictable roller coaster that moves through a range of emotions, from sadness to anger to confusion. The famous Kübler-Ross model suggests that grief moves through five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, this model isn't rigid. People might move through these stages in different ways, or even revisit them multiple times.

What we need to understand is that everyone processes grief differently. Some might feel numb for weeks, while others might cry at the drop of a hat. Some might avoid their emotions altogether. There's no “right” way to grieve, and the experience can vary even from one moment to the next. Recognizing this can help us avoid putting pressure on someone to “move on” or “get over it” before they're ready.

Tip 2: Know what to say to someone who's grieving

One of the most common questions people ask when someone they care about is grieving is, “What do I say?” It's understandable—it can feel incredibly difficult to find the right words in a situation where emotions are raw and intense. But here's the thing: it's less about what you say and more about how you say it. The most important thing is to be sincere and empathetic.

Avoid clichés like “I know how you feel” or “Time heals all wounds.” While you may have good intentions, these phrases often come off as trite or dismissive. Instead, try saying things like, “I'm so sorry this is happening to you,” or “I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you.” In this context, it's perfectly okay to admit that you don't have all the answers. Just being there to listen and offer a shoulder to lean on speaks volumes.

And don't underestimate the power of silence. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be present without speaking. Let the person cry, let them share stories, or even let them sit in silence—whatever they need. Your mere presence and willingness to listen can provide immense comfort during a time when words might fall short.

How to talk—and listen—to someone who's grieving

When someone is grieving, communication can feel tricky. You want to offer support, but the fear of saying the wrong thing can paralyze you. Here's a simple rule: be present and listen. Grieving people often feel overwhelmed by their emotions, and sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is let them talk. You don't need to have all the answers. In fact, most grieving people don't need solutions—they need someone who will listen without judgment or interruption.

Active listening is a key part of supporting someone who is grieving. This means not only hearing their words but also paying attention to their feelings and body language. Reflect back what they're saying by saying things like, “That sounds really tough,” or “I can't imagine what you're going through.” This lets them know they're being heard, and it helps validate their emotions. As grief can feel isolating, knowing someone is truly listening is one of the most comforting things you can do.

But listening isn't the only important part of communication. Grieving people also need to feel that they have space to express their feelings. Offer them this space by saying, “I'm here if you want to talk,” and then follow through. Don't rush the conversation—let it unfold at their pace. Sometimes, the best thing you can offer is your time and willingness to simply be there.

Things to avoid saying to someone who's grieving

We all want to comfort others in their pain, but sometimes, our desire to make the person feel better leads us to say things that don't have the effect we intend. Avoiding certain phrases can be just as important as knowing what to say. For example, phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least they're not suffering anymore” can be incredibly hurtful, even if you're trying to provide reassurance. These statements may come off as dismissive, suggesting that the pain of the loss should be minimized or quickly overcome.

Similarly, avoid telling the person to “move on” or “be strong.” Grief doesn't follow a timeline, and it's essential to allow the person the time and space they need to process their feelings. Telling someone to be strong can inadvertently imply that their grief is a weakness rather than a natural and necessary response to loss. Let them feel what they need to feel, and avoid pushing them to "snap out of it" prematurely.

Another thing to avoid is comparing their loss to your own. While it's natural to want to share your experiences, saying something like “I know exactly how you feel because I lost someone too” might make the person feel like you're minimizing their unique experience. Grief is personal and specific to each individual, and comparing losses can unintentionally invalidate their emotions.

Tip 3: Offer practical assistance

When someone is grieving, the emotional burden can be all-consuming. But the practical aspects of daily life—like cooking, cleaning, or even going grocery shopping—can also feel like insurmountable tasks. This is where offering practical assistance becomes invaluable. Sometimes, asking someone if they need help can be overwhelming in itself, as they might feel guilty or too tired to ask for what they need. Instead of waiting for them to ask, offer specific forms of help: “I'm going to the store—what can I pick up for you?” or “Would it be helpful if I made dinner for you tomorrow?”

These small, thoughtful acts can make a world of difference in someone's life during the first days, weeks, and even months of grief. Sometimes it's as simple as running errands, helping with household chores, or even offering a ride to appointments. Even if they don't take you up on the offer right away, just knowing you're there to help can relieve a lot of stress.

It's important to follow through on your offers as well. A grieving person might forget or feel too overwhelmed to take you up on your initial offer, so check in regularly. By offering consistent, tangible support, you remind the grieving person that they don't have to go through this alone.

Tip 4: Provide ongoing support

Grief doesn't just end after the funeral or memorial service. In fact, it's often in the weeks and months following the loss that people feel most isolated. At first, there's an outpouring of support—friends, family, and coworkers all rally around to help. But as time passes, that support often fades, and the grieving person is left to navigate their feelings alone. That's why providing ongoing support is crucial. Grief doesn't have a clear expiration date, and neither should your presence.

Check in regularly. A simple text message saying, “I'm thinking of you today” can go a long way. For someone grieving, even small gestures of support can make them feel cared for. Don't expect them to reach out to you; sometimes, they just need you to reach out to them. Whether it's a call, a note, or an invitation to spend time together, consistent check-ins help keep the connection alive and remind them that they're not alone in their grief.

It's also important to stay sensitive to their needs over time. For example, their emotional needs might change as they progress through different stages of grief. Early on, they might need more time alone. Later, they might crave companionship or distraction. Offering your presence in a way that aligns with their evolving needs shows a deep respect for their journey, and that you're there for the long haul.

Tip 5: Watch for warning signs of depression

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, but it can sometimes blur into something more concerning: depression. It's important to watch for warning signs that indicate someone may need additional help. While sadness and melancholy are normal during grief, depression is more persistent and can severely impact a person's ability to function. Signs of depression in someone grieving include prolonged feelings of hopelessness, a loss of interest in things they once enjoyed, difficulty concentrating, or significant changes in appetite or sleep patterns.

If you notice these symptoms, it's important to approach the situation with care. Gently suggest that they speak with a mental health professional or a counselor who specializes in grief. As well-meaning as you might be, it's not always within your power to provide the kind of professional help that someone may need if they're experiencing depression. Encouraging them to seek help doesn't invalidate their grief—it's a way to support them in getting the additional care they may require.

It's also essential to remind grieving people that it's okay to ask for help, whether from friends, family, or professionals. Grief is hard enough without the added burden of thinking they have to go through it alone. Reassure them that it's normal to seek support during tough times and that there's no shame in it.

How to comfort a child who's grieving

Grieving is challenging at any age, but when it comes to children, the process can look a little different. Children often don't have the words to express their sadness or confusion, so their grief might come out in unexpected ways—acting out, withdrawing, or even regressing to earlier behaviors, like thumb-sucking or bed-wetting. It's important to approach grieving children with patience and understanding, creating a safe space where they can process their emotions without feeling pressured to act a certain way.

One of the most important things you can do for a grieving child is to be honest and clear about what has happened. Use language that is age-appropriate, and be prepared to answer their questions honestly. Children often sense that something is wrong but might not fully understand what it means. Reassure them that it's okay to be sad, angry, or even confused. It's also important to let them know that it's okay to talk about their loved one and to remember them in their own way, whether it's through drawing pictures, telling stories, or keeping mementos.

Routine and stability are also critical for grieving children. The loss of a loved one can leave them feeling insecure, so maintaining familiar routines can provide a sense of comfort and safety. At the same time, be sure to check in with them regularly and let them know you're there if they want to talk or need a hug.

Finally, don't underestimate the power of play. For children, play is a way of processing emotions, and it's often through play that they can begin to make sense of their grief. Encourage them to express themselves through their favorite activities, whether it's drawing, playing with toys, or simply spending time with a trusted friend. By supporting a grieving child in these ways, you help them build resilience and find their way through the pain.

Helping a grieving child

When a child experiences loss, it can be incredibly confusing and overwhelming for them. Their emotional world is still developing, and they may not have the coping tools that adults do. As adults, it's our role to provide a foundation of support, understanding, and stability. Children grieve differently than adults, often bouncing between emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, or even relief. They may act out or become withdrawn, and it's important to recognize that these behaviors are part of their way of processing the loss.

One of the most essential things you can do is to provide reassurance. Tell them that their feelings are valid, even if they don't understand them fully. It's okay for a child to cry, to ask repetitive questions about the person they've lost, or even to express anger. Let them know they're not alone and that you're there to listen whenever they need to talk. Children need to feel safe to express themselves, and they need to know that it's okay to grieve in their own way.

While it's essential to be open and honest with a grieving child, you should also gauge the level of detail in your explanations. Avoid overwhelming them with too much information, and instead, allow them to ask questions as they come up. Simple, clear, and age-appropriate answers are best. Children can handle more than we think, but they process loss in stages, just like adults. It's not uncommon for children to go through phases of grieving, sometimes feeling sadness and other times being almost completely unaffected. The grieving process for children may come in waves, with periods of calmness followed by emotional outbursts. Providing emotional space and time is key.

Another important element is maintaining routine. For children, the loss of a loved one can make their world feel unstable. Routines—whether it's a regular bedtime, daily school schedule, or weekend activities—help restore a sense of normalcy. While routines provide comfort, it's also important to include opportunities for the child to remember and celebrate their loved one. Encourage them to express their emotions through creative outlets like drawing, writing, or crafting memory boxes, where they can keep mementos of their loved one close.

Lastly, support from other trusted adults and peers can make a big difference. Connecting the grieving child with others who understand their pain—whether that's through a grief support group for children or spending time with other family members who are also grieving—can help them feel less isolated. Children need to understand that grief is a shared experience, and they're not the only ones going through it.

Recommended Resources

• "The Invisible String" by Patrice Karst - A heartfelt book about love and loss for children.
• "When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death" by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown - An approachable and comforting book for young children.
• "How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness" by Kathleen McCue - A guide to helping children cope with grief and illness.
• "Healing Children's Grief: Surviving a Parent's Death from Cancer" by Grace H. Ketterman - A practical approach to helping children navigate grief after losing a parent.