Grief After a Suicide: How to Cope

Key Takeaways:

• Grieving suicide is complex
• Feel emotions without guilt
• Lean on others for support
• It's okay to ask “why”
• Focus on self-compassion

Losing someone to suicide feels like being swept away by a tidal wave of pain, questions, and confusion. The grief you experience is unlike any other; it's a whirlwind of emotions that may leave you feeling completely alone. In the aftermath, we often find ourselves searching for answers, haunted by the "what ifs" and "if onlys." But the journey of healing begins with understanding that there is no right or wrong way to grieve after such a profound loss.

Whether you're struggling with feelings of guilt, anger, or the overwhelming need to find a reason why, remember—you are not alone in this experience. By exploring the emotional complexities of suicide grief and learning healthy ways to cope, we can start to heal, step by step.

Dealing with the Grief After Suicide Loss

Grief after losing a loved one to suicide is a profound experience that can't be neatly packaged into stages. It's raw, messy, and often feels unending. The shock of such a sudden and tragic loss can leave us in a state of disbelief, questioning everything we thought we understood about life and the people we love. This type of grief is unique, with a different texture than other kinds of loss because it's entangled with complex emotions like guilt, anger, and confusion.

There's no roadmap for this journey, but it's vital to remind ourselves that it's okay to feel whatever we're feeling. Whether you're overwhelmed by sadness, angry at your loved one for leaving, or simply numb from the shock—your feelings are valid. You're allowed to grieve in a way that makes sense to you.

Understanding Complicated Grief from Suicide

Complicated grief is a term used by psychologists to describe an intense, prolonged form of grieving that disrupts your ability to function. When someone dies by suicide, we often find ourselves grappling with an added layer of trauma. According to Dr. Katherine Shear, a leading expert on grief, “Suicide loss can create a storm of difficult emotions that are not only intense but also confusing.”

This type of grief is complicated because it challenges our beliefs, our understanding of the person we lost, and even our sense of self. The unanswered questions and suddenness of it all can make it difficult to find closure. You may find yourself stuck in cycles of ‘what ifs' or blaming yourself for not seeing the signs. It's natural to search for answers, but it's also crucial to recognize that sometimes, those answers simply don't exist.

Allow Yourself to Grieve in Your Own Way

There's no one-size-fits-all way to process the loss of someone to suicide. Some people find comfort in rituals, like lighting a candle every night or creating a memory book. Others may need to take a step back, allowing themselves to feel the full weight of their grief in private. Whatever approach you take, let it be yours. It's essential to trust yourself and what your heart needs in this moment.

Psychologists emphasize the importance of self-compassion during this time. Grief is not a linear path—it ebbs and flows, sometimes hitting us in waves when we least expect it. So, take your time. Allow yourself moments of release, whether that's crying, writing down your feelings, or simply sitting in silence. Healing begins when we stop judging how we're supposed to feel and start honoring the way we actually do.

Seeking Support After Suicide Loss

We often feel the need to go through our darkest moments alone, but this is precisely when we need others the most. Isolation can intensify feelings of despair. It's okay to lean on those around you—whether it's friends, family, or a support group who understand what you're going through. Finding a safe space where you can express your emotions without fear of judgment is crucial.

Support groups for suicide loss, like Survivors of Suicide (SOS) meetings, can be incredibly healing. Talking to others who have been through a similar experience can help you feel less alone. “There is no shame in needing help,” says Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a renowned grief counselor. “Grieving in community can remind us that we are still connected, even when it feels like our world has fallen apart.”

If reaching out feels hard, start small. A simple conversation with a trusted friend can be the first step. Remember, you don't have to carry this burden alone. We are not meant to endure such pain in isolation.

How to Talk About Your Loss to Others

Opening up about the pain of losing someone to suicide can feel like an insurmountable task. The words often get stuck in your throat, and the fear of how others might react can make you second-guess even trying. But finding a way to talk about your loss can be deeply healing. It helps release some of the emotional burden you're carrying and invites others into your experience, allowing them to support you.

You don't have to share every detail—sometimes, simply stating, “I'm really struggling” or “I've been feeling lost” can open the door. Remember, you're not obligated to explain yourself to everyone. Choose trusted people who make you feel safe. These are the conversations where true healing can begin.

Keep in mind that not everyone will know how to respond, and that's okay. Some might offer advice or platitudes that fall flat. Others might shy away, not knowing what to say. It's not about them having the perfect response—it's about you giving yourself permission to express what's inside. Letting it out, even a little, can relieve some of the pressure you might not even realize you're holding.

Explaining Suicide to Children

Explaining suicide to children is one of the most heart-wrenching conversations a grieving parent or guardian might face. It's natural to want to protect them from the harsh reality, but children often sense when something is wrong. Being honest, while still mindful of their age, can help prevent confusion and fear. Keep it simple and straightforward. For example, you might say, “They were feeling very, very sad, and their mind was not well.”

Dr. Donna Schuurman, a childhood bereavement expert, advises that children need a safe space to ask questions and express their feelings. “Let them know it's okay to be sad, confused, or even angry. These emotions are natural responses to loss,” she explains. Encourage open-ended questions, and be ready to revisit the conversation as they process the information over time.

Most importantly, reassure them that they are loved and that nothing they did caused this. Kids often internalize blame, thinking they somehow contributed to the tragedy. By offering them reassurance and a space to talk, you help them process the grief in a healthy way.

Moving Beyond the ‘Why' Question

One of the most tormenting aspects of losing someone to suicide is the relentless “why.” Why didn't they reach out? Why didn't we see the signs? These questions can loop endlessly in our minds, keeping us awake at night and stealing any sense of peace. The truth is, we might never get a satisfying answer, and that's one of the hardest parts to accept.

Suicide often stems from a complex web of mental health struggles, personal pain, and internal battles that are invisible to the outside world. As Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, an expert on mood disorders, puts it: “We don't always get to understand someone else's suffering. It's not for lack of trying—it's simply the nature of the human mind.”

Instead of fixating on the “why,” try to shift your focus to the love you shared and the memories that can never be taken away. This isn't about pretending the pain doesn't exist but rather about allowing yourself the grace to move forward, one small step at a time. We can honor their memory by living fully, even as we carry their absence with us.

Releasing Guilt, Anger, and Blame

One of the heaviest burdens we carry after a loved one's suicide is the weight of guilt, anger, and blame. These emotions can sneak in, uninvited, and take up permanent residence in our hearts. “Why didn't I see the signs?” or “What if I had reached out one more time?”—these questions can haunt you. It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking we could have changed the outcome. But the truth is, mental health struggles are complex, and often, there is no single thing that could have prevented what happened.

Anger can also surface, directed at the person who left or even at yourself. You might feel betrayed or abandoned, which only adds to the confusion. These feelings are normal and part of the grieving process. However, holding onto anger and blame can hinder your healing. According to Dr. David Kessler, a prominent grief expert, “Forgiving yourself and the person who died doesn't mean excusing what happened. It means letting go of the hold that guilt has on you.”

The process of releasing these emotions takes time. It's not about simply deciding to “let it go.” Instead, it's about acknowledging these feelings and giving them space, then slowly allowing yourself to breathe without them weighing you down. Self-compassion plays a crucial role here. Remind yourself that you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time.

Looking Towards the Future

Grief can feel like a thick fog that obscures everything in front of you. It's hard to imagine a future where you don't feel this intense pain. But the truth is, healing doesn't mean forgetting. It means learning to live alongside your grief while finding moments of peace, joy, and even hope.

As time goes on, you may start to notice small shifts. The waves of grief may not hit as frequently, and you may find yourself smiling at a memory instead of crying. These are signs that you are slowly moving forward, even if it doesn't always feel that way. Give yourself permission to envision a future where you can carry both the love for the person you lost and the love for yourself. Life after loss is different, but it can still be meaningful.

Consider exploring new hobbies, reconnecting with friends, or even pursuing therapy if you find yourself feeling stuck. Sometimes, stepping into something new can help you rediscover a part of yourself that's been hidden beneath layers of sorrow. You deserve to find light again, even if it takes time. The future can hold healing, connection, and growth—you just have to take that first step, however small it might be.

How to Support Someone Grieving a Suicide

Supporting someone who has lost a loved one to suicide can feel daunting. You may worry about saying the wrong thing or accidentally causing more pain. But remember, it's not about finding the perfect words—it's about being there, showing up, and letting them know they are not alone. Simple phrases like “I'm here for you” or “I don't know what to say, but I care” can be incredibly powerful.

Listening without judgment is one of the most meaningful gifts you can offer. Allow them to speak freely about their loved one, their regrets, or their questions. Sometimes, they might just need someone to sit in silence with them. Don't shy away from their pain; embrace it with them. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a grief counselor, advises, “Your presence is the greatest comfort. You don't need to fix their pain—you just need to acknowledge it.”

Be patient. Grieving suicide loss is not a quick process. It can take months, even years, to find a sense of normalcy again. Offer practical help, like bringing meals, assisting with household chores, or simply checking in with a text or call. These small gestures can make a big difference in their healing journey.

Recommended Resources

• “The Gift of Second: Healing from the Impact of Suicide” by Brandy Lidbeck
• “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief” by David Kessler
• “No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One” by Carla Fine