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  • Liz Fischer
    Liz Fischer

    What to Do If You Have a Crush On Your Friend's Mom?

    Understanding The Intricacies of Such Feelings

    The human heart and mind are complex entities, often leading us to feel emotions in situations we least expect. It's not uncommon for people to develop feelings or crushes in unexpected scenarios. Having a crush on your friend's mom, while unconventional, is one such situation that some find themselves in. Let's delve deep into understanding this.

    Firstly, recognize that feelings are just feelings. They're neutral in nature until we attach a judgment or an action to them. Dr. Elaine Hatfield, a renowned psychologist, differentiates between passionate and companionate love. The former is an intense, often short-lived, attraction. The latter is based on deep mutual respect and shared experiences. Understanding where your feelings lie can be a helpful starting point.

    Often, societal expectations play a significant role in how we view such crushes. There's an unspoken taboo about younger individuals being attracted to someone significantly older, especially if they have a close relationship with their child. This societal lens can amplify the internal conflict.

    A 2018 study from the University of Texas highlighted that attraction can stem from numerous factors, including physical appearance, shared interests, or the way someone makes you feel. In situations with a friend's mom, it could be her nurturing nature or the way she relates to you.

    It's essential to remember that everyone, at some point in their lives, will face attractions or crushes they didn't anticipate. It doesn't define you but rather signifies your human ability to feel.

    Lastly, separating the feeling from the individual can be beneficial. Understanding that it's the qualities you admire, rather than the person, can provide clarity.

    The Importance of Personal Boundaries

    Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw around ourselves to maintain balance and protect our values, integrity, and well-being. They're even more critical when emotions are in a fragile state, such as when you have a crush on a friend's mom.

    Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book "Boundaries," states that setting and preserving boundaries is a skill born of a deep sense of self-worth. It's paramount to establish what behaviors you'll accept from others and what you won't.

    In the context of a crush on a friend's mom, a boundary might be choosing not to be alone with her or opting not to discuss personal topics. This safeguards both your emotions and the relationship dynamics.

    Remember, boundaries are a two-way street. While setting them, it's equally crucial to respect the boundaries of others. Your friend's mom might be entirely unaware of your feelings, and overstepping might lead to unintended consequences.

    Lastly, consistently revisiting and assessing your boundaries is essential. They aren't set in stone. As you evolve and gain clarity about your feelings, your boundaries may change, and that's okay.

    It's all about ensuring mutual respect and emotional safety.

    Communicating with Your Friend

    Communication is the bedrock of understanding, especially in tricky emotional terrains. If you feel that your emotions are overwhelming or affecting your relationship with your friend, it might be time for a candid conversation.

    Choosing the right environment is crucial. Opt for a private, neutral space where both of you feel comfortable and are less likely to be interrupted.

    Approach the topic with vulnerability and honesty. Begin by expressing your genuine appreciation for your friendship and then delve into your feelings. Remember, it's not about seeking approval or understanding, but rather sharing to maintain transparency.

    Your friend's reaction can vary. They might be understanding, shocked, hurt, or even indifferent. Remember to give them space and time to process. Their emotions are valid too.

    One piece of advice? Avoid going into explicit details. The objective is to communicate your feelings, not to make anyone uncomfortable.

    Lastly, seek feedback. Understand their perspective, and work together to navigate the situation.

    Assessing the Reality of the Situation

    Attraction often comes with a rosy tint, masking the realities of a potential relationship. When it comes to a crush on a friend's mom, understanding the feasibility and implications of pursuing such feelings is crucial.

    Start by considering the age difference. While age might just be a number, life stages, experiences, and aspirations can vary significantly.

    Think about the dynamics. Your friend's mom has a whole life, responsibilities, and possibly a family. These factors can make a potential relationship quite intricate.

    Reflect on the broader social implications. As mentioned earlier, societal judgments are real. Are you prepared for the possible perceptions and chatter?

    A study from Cornell University showed that unconventional relationships often face increased scrutiny and external pressures. This could put strain on both the relationship and your mental well-being.

    Lastly, introspect on your genuine intentions. Is it a fleeting attraction or something you see longevity in? This self-reflection is pivotal in determining your next steps.

    The Role of Self-Reflection

    Understanding oneself is often the key to deciphering complex emotions. Take a step back and introspect. Why do you feel this way? What is it about your friend's mom that attracts you? Is it a pattern in your life or an isolated incident?

    Journaling can be an excellent tool here. Penning down your thoughts provides clarity and a tangible record to revisit.

    Consider seeking external perspectives. Talking to a trusted individual, someone detached from the situation, can provide unbiased insights. Their outsider's viewpoint might offer angles you hadn't considered.

    Engage in self-awareness exercises. This could range from meditation, seeking therapy, or even simple mindfulness practices. They can offer a deeper understanding of your emotional triggers and patterns.

    Remember, it's okay not to have all the answers immediately. Self-reflection is an ongoing process, and with time, the haze often clears.

    When and How to Seek Professional Help

    If feelings become overwhelming or lead to distress, it might be time to consider seeking professional assistance. Therapists and counselors are trained to help individuals navigate complex emotional landscapes.

    Identify the signs. If your crush is leading to sleepless nights, anxiety, or affecting your daily functioning, it's a cue to seek help.

    Research therapists who specialize in relationships or emotional distress. Platforms like Psychology Today or therapist directories can be useful resources.

    It's essential to be candid during your sessions. The more honest you are about your feelings and the situation, the better guidance you'll receive.

    Therapy isn't just about discussing the issue at hand. It's also about equipping yourself with tools and strategies to handle similar emotions or situations in the future.

    Remember, seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows self-awareness and a proactive approach to mental well-being.

    Distractions: Engaging in Productive Activities

    Distractions, especially productive ones, can be a helpful coping mechanism. Engaging in activities you love or trying out new hobbies can provide an emotional outlet.

    Physical activities, like jogging, yoga, or joining a fitness class, can be particularly beneficial. Exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood lifters.

    Consider taking up art, music, or any form of creative expression. These avenues often help in processing emotions and feelings.

    Volunteer. Giving back to the community provides a sense of purpose, takes your mind off personal troubles, and offers a broader perspective on life.

    Travel, if possible. Exploring new places and cultures can be a refreshing change and can provide a break from routine and the associated feelings.

    Lastly, invest in learning. This could be a new language, a course, or simply reading. Knowledge not only empowers but also diverts the mind in constructive directions.

    Understanding the Difference Between Infatuation and Love

    It's crucial to differentiate between infatuation and love, especially in situations like having a crush on a friend's mom. These emotions, while seemingly similar, have different depths and implications.

    Infatuation is often characterized by intensity. It's that giddy, exhilarating feeling that can make everything else seem insignificant. However, it's typically short-lived and can wane as quickly as it came.

    Love, on the other hand, is profound. It's a more stable emotion, built on understanding, trust, and mutual respect. It's less about intensity and more about depth.

    A study by Dr. Judith Orloff, published in "The Empath's Survival Guide," highlights that infatuations are often projections of our desires. They might not reflect the actual qualities of the person in question.

    So, ask yourself: Is your attraction towards your friend's mom based on who she genuinely is or an idealized version you've conjured in your mind?

    Understanding this distinction can provide clarity on how to proceed and manage your emotions.

    Reframing Your Perspective

    How you view a situation can significantly impact how you feel about it. Reframing is the art of changing your perspective to view things in a more positive or neutral light.

    Instead of dwelling on the crush itself, focus on the qualities that you admire in your friend's mom. Is it her kindness, wisdom, or sense of humor? Recognizing these can help you appreciate her as an individual, rather than an object of affection.

    Next, acknowledge the positives of the situation. Maybe this experience is teaching you self-control, introspection, or even guiding you towards understanding your type in relationships.

    Consider the bigger picture. In the grand scheme of things, where does this crush fit? Often, zooming out provides a clearer perspective.

    Lastly, use positive affirmations. Tell yourself statements like, "I am in control of my feelings," or "I value my friendship more than a fleeting emotion." This can rewire your thinking over time.

    Acceptance: The Final Frontier

    At some point, you'll need to come to terms with your emotions, whatever they might be. Acceptance doesn't mean acting on your feelings, but rather acknowledging them without judgment.

    Understand that feelings, including crushes, are a natural part of the human experience. They don't define you but are merely a testament to your ability to feel deeply.

    By accepting, you give yourself permission to feel without the added weight of guilt or shame. This can be liberating.

    Acceptance also paves the way for moving on. Once you've come to terms with your emotions, it becomes easier to redirect them or let them fade naturally.

    Remember, every experience, even the confusing or painful ones, contribute to your growth. Embrace them, learn from them, and use them as stepping stones to a more self-aware version of yourself.

    Communication: Discussing Feelings with Trusted Individuals

    While it might seem daunting, discussing your feelings with someone you trust can be cathartic. This could be a close friend (other than the one whose mom you have a crush on), a family member, or even a mentor.

    Talking allows you to process your emotions and offers a fresh perspective. Sometimes, voicing your feelings aloud can help you understand them better.

    However, ensure that the person you confide in will maintain your confidence and offer objective advice. The last thing you'd want is for your feelings to become the subject of gossip or misunderstanding.

    Based on a 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, individuals who discuss their emotions, especially the complex ones, tend to have better emotional well-being.

    Remember, everyone, at some point, has gone through complicated emotions. Sharing yours might make you realize that you're not alone in your journey.

    However, always be cautious and sensitive. Refrain from discussing this with mutual friends as it might inadvertently reach the person in question.

    Recognizing Boundaries: The Unsaid Line

    Boundaries are essential, especially in intricate situations like having a crush on a friend's parent. These aren't just about physical space but emotional and mental space as well.

    Recognize and respect the sanctity of your friend's family environment. Avoid trying to be overly present or insinuating yourself into their family affairs.

    Limit your interactions with the mom to ensure that you're not feeding your crush. Often, distance can help in diminishing intense feelings.

    A 2018 article in Psychology Today stresses the importance of boundaries in maintaining healthy relationships. They're not just barriers but rather markers of self-respect and respect for others.

    Should you feel that your boundaries are getting blurry, take a step back, reassess, and recalibrate. It's always better to be proactive than to deal with potential complications later.

    It's equally essential to be aware of her boundaries. Ensure that your actions or words don't make her uncomfortable or cross her lines of comfort.

    Redirecting Emotions: Channelling Energy Positively

    Emotions, when channeled correctly, can become powerful motivators. Instead of ruminating over your feelings, redirect that energy into something positive and constructive.

    If the admiration stems from particular qualities she possesses, perhaps you can strive to cultivate those attributes in yourself. For instance, if it's her confidence or eloquence that you admire, consider joining a public speaking course or a personal development workshop.

    Journaling can also be a powerful tool. Writing down your feelings not only offers clarity but also serves as an emotional release. Over time, you can revisit your entries to gauge your emotional evolution.

    Channel your energy into community service or mentoring. Sometimes, helping others can offer a unique perspective on your own challenges and feelings.

    Consider diving deep into a hobby or skill you've always wanted to master. Be it playing a musical instrument, painting, or learning a new sport, these activities can be therapeutic.

    Ultimately, the goal is to convert the emotional turmoil into a driving force for personal growth and development.

    The Broader Picture: Society's Role in Shaping Attractions

    It's essential to understand that sometimes, societal influences play a role in our attractions. Movies, TV shows, and popular culture often romanticize relationships that are "forbidden" or "taboo," which might influence our subconscious.

    Recognizing these external factors can sometimes help in understanding the root of the attraction. Is it a genuine admiration for the person, or has popular culture shaped this attraction in some way?

    A 2017 study in the Journal of Cultural Studies suggests that media consumption can significantly impact our perception of relationships and attractions.

    This isn't to say that your feelings aren't valid. However, understanding external influences can offer a clearer picture of the situation.

    Stay aware of what you consume in terms of media. Question if any themes or storylines might be influencing your feelings. This awareness can lead to better clarity and understanding of one's emotions.

    Always remember, while societal influences might play a part, it's essential to take ownership of your feelings and handle them responsibly.

    Future Forward: The Path Ahead

    While the present may seem overwhelming, it's crucial to remember that feelings, especially infatuations, are transient. They evolve, change, and sometimes, even dissipate with time.

    Consider where you see yourself in the next few years. Do you visualize this crush playing a significant role in your future? Often, when we place our emotions in the grand timeline of our lives, they gain perspective.

    Work on setting short-term and long-term goals for yourself that have nothing to do with your current feelings. This could be related to your career, personal growth, travel aspirations, or even skills you want to acquire.

    Focusing on the future gives direction to your energy. It helps channel feelings of confusion or longing into motivation for self-improvement and achievement.

    Remember, life is a series of chapters. While the current one might be about this crush, the next could be about a newfound passion, a job opportunity, or a completely different personal experience.

    Time has a way of providing clarity. Trust in its pace and the wisdom it brings along.

    Mindfulness and Meditation: Grounding Yourself

    In times of emotional turbulence, mindfulness and meditation can be powerful allies. These practices focus on being present and acknowledging feelings without judgment.

    Mindfulness helps in separating oneself from their emotions. Instead of being overwhelmed by feelings, you observe them, almost as if from a distance.

    Many studies, including a 2016 research paper published in "Mindfulness and Acceptance," highlight the positive effects of these practices in managing and understanding emotions.

    Begin with short sessions. Even a few minutes of focused breathing, grounding exercises, or guided meditations can make a difference.

    Over time, as you cultivate this habit, you'll notice an enhanced capability to manage emotions, increased peace of mind, and better clarity in thought processes.

    Remember, mindfulness isn't about eliminating feelings but understanding them. It's about cultivating an internal space where emotions can be observed without letting them take over.

    Shifting Dynamics: Strengthening the Bond with Your Friend

    Amidst this emotional whirlwind, it's essential not to neglect the friendship that started it all. Instead of allowing your crush to create a rift, focus on strengthening the bond with your friend.

    Engage in activities that both of you love. Be it watching movies, playing a sport, or simply reminiscing old memories, ensure that you're investing in your friendship.

    Having a crush on your friend's mom could unconsciously create a distance. By consciously focusing on your friendship, you can bridge this gap.

    Always remember the foundation of your relationship. Revisit old memories, photographs, or even messages to rekindle the essence of your bond.

    Open communication is key. While you might not disclose the crush, ensure that you're transparent about other feelings, especially if they're affecting your behavior or the friendship.

    At the end of the day, friendships are invaluable. They provide support, understanding, and a shared history. Ensure that this temporary emotion doesn't overshadow the treasure that is your bond.

    Exploring New Relationships: Expanding Your Social Horizon

    While it's essential to manage and understand your current feelings, sometimes the solution lies in exploring new relationships and expanding your social horizons.

    Meet new people. This not only offers a distraction but also provides an opportunity to understand different personalities, form new bonds, and even find potential romantic interests.

    Join clubs, groups, or communities that align with your interests. These can be related to hobbies, professional networks, or even causes you're passionate about.

    By broadening your social circle, you give yourself the chance to understand what you're genuinely seeking in relationships. It offers perspective on your crush and could even lead to feelings of admiration for others, helping you move on.

    Furthermore, expanding your social horizons is beneficial in its own right. It provides personal growth, diverse experiences, and an enriched social life.

    Remember, life is abundant with possibilities. Each new relationship, be it a friendship or romantic, offers lessons and experiences. Embrace them with an open heart and mind.

    Wrapping Up: Emotions as Life's Teachers

    Emotions, no matter how convoluted, serve a purpose. They're life's way of teaching us about ourselves, our desires, boundaries, and values.

    The experience of having a crush on your friend's mom, while challenging, is also an opportunity. An opportunity to delve deep into your psyche, understand your triggers, and grow emotionally.

    By employing the strategies discussed, from therapy to mindfulness, and by focusing on personal growth and relationships, you can navigate this emotional landscape with grace and maturity.

    Remember, you're not alone. Many have walked this path and emerged wiser and more self-aware. Lean on resources, confide in trusted individuals, and always strive for self-understanding.

    The journey might be challenging, but the destination, one of emotional maturity and self-discovery, is worth every step.

    As the saying goes, "This too shall pass." Embrace the journey, learn from it, and always move forward with empathy and understanding.

    Final Thoughts: Embrace Growth and Self-awareness

    Life often throws curveballs, presenting situations and emotions we might not have anticipated. A crush on a friend's mom is one such curveball. However, how you handle it can significantly influence your personal growth and emotional maturity.

    Every challenge, including this one, offers lessons. Whether it's understanding your emotional triggers, setting boundaries, or simply practicing self-control, there's always something to gain.

    The journey might be riddled with confusion, but the destination often holds clarity and growth. So, navigate this terrain with patience, self-love, and a willingness to evolve.

    In the wise words of Carl Jung, "Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." Use this experience as an opportunity to look within and awaken a newer, more evolved version of yourself.

    Recommended Resources

    1. "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

    2. "The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People" by Dr. Judith Orloff

    3. "Man and His Symbols" by Carl G. Jung


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