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  • Olivia Sanders
    Olivia Sanders

    The Sorry Stalemate - Relationships

    She won't go out with me: Is there really a way to make her change her mind?

    He had all the conditions he thought she'd appreciate: good looks, a great job, excellent manners – but only one thing was missing. She wouldn't go out with him. His initial wooing had failed, his shyness and touch of shame triumphing over his attempts to prove to her that he was right for her.

    He sent her messages, inviting her to events and promising that they'd have a wonderful time together. But much to his dismay, his invitations made no impact on her decision. He was stuck in an endless cycle of persistence, persuading and apology, with nothing to show for it. The sympathetic smiles of his friends couldn't shake the fact that he was still alone, and no amount of banter or bravado seemed likely to change that any time soon.

    So what do you do when someone turns down your advances? As much as you might want them to change their minds, there's no guarantee that this is possible. So how do you accept the fact that not everyone will want to get to know you?

    It starts with the understanding that the other person might have good reasons for rejecting you. It could be that they don't share the same interests, that they're not attracted to you, or even that they're already in a relationship. If they're not ready to give you a chance, then it's important not to take it too personally. Trying to force them into a relationship or overwhelming them with your advances won't help your situation.

    If the rejection has caused you heartache and confusion, it can help to talk to people you trust. Talking through things with a friend or family member may shed light on your situation and help you come to terms with it. In addition, knowing that you have people who care for you and understand you can provide a sense of comfort during this difficult time.

    It might also be that you need to let go of the notion that this person will be your romantic partner. This may feel like a cruel suggestion if you've been clinging to the hope of them being by your side, but your self-worth should never be defined by someone else. Instead, it's important to focus your energy positively on yourself. That doesn't mean changing yourself to fit someone else's criteria, but rather loving yourself regardless of rejection and focusing on the aspects of your life – career, hobbies, relationships, etc. – which make you feel fulfilled.

    Of course it's understandable if you want to try and convince the other person to give you a chance. Acknowledging their reasons for not wanting to pursue a relationship can be a good way to start, as it respects their feelings and shows that you're both willing to communicate. You should also be aware, however, that it may never work out even if you try; by making yourself vulnerable to another you run the risk of further hurt.

    To conclude, it's so easy to put our faith in someone changing their mind about us to make us feel better. But unfortunately, we can't control someone else's decisions, and it may not be possible to make them reconsider their choice. Focusing insteadon improving your own life and loving yourself can help you accept and heal after such an experience.

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