Can You Be Friends With an Ex? (7 Tips)

Key Takeaways:

• Evaluate if it's a good idea.
• Take time apart first.
• Set clear boundaries.
• Respect their new relationships.
• Communicate openly and maturely.

Is it a good idea to be friends with your ex?

We've all asked ourselves this question at some point, usually while lying awake at 2 a.m., heart still tender from the breakup. Breakups are emotional whirlwinds, leaving us confused and questioning everything we once knew. So, it's no wonder the idea of keeping your ex in your life seems both comforting and challenging.

Being friends with an ex isn't a simple yes or no question; it's complicated. For some, it might be the healthiest choice. For others, it's a recipe for disaster. The psychological attachment we form with our partners runs deep. According to attachment theory, your ex may have been an “attachment figure,” a person who provided you with emotional security. Breaking that bond doesn't just vanish overnight. It takes conscious effort and emotional readiness to navigate a friendship with them.

Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship scientist and author of Stronger Than You Think, suggests that the motivation behind wanting to stay friends is crucial. “When a friendship isn't driven by guilt, loneliness, or a lingering emotional dependency, it stands a better chance of thriving in the long run.” So, think about your intentions. Are you genuinely ready to be just friends?

When can you stay friends with an ex?

Not every breakup means goodbye forever. Sometimes, circumstances make a post-breakup friendship not only feasible but even enriching. Yet, timing, maturity, and emotional health all play significant roles in this process. Let's break down a few situations when staying friends might actually make sense.

1. Mutual break-up

If the breakup was mutual and devoid of any lingering bitterness, there's a higher chance you can make a friendship work. Both of you agreed it was best to end things, so there's often more acceptance of the new dynamic. Mutual breakups usually mean you both recognize that, while romance didn't work out, the core of your connection was valuable. But be honest with yourselves. Are both parties truly on the same page, or is someone still holding on to hope?

It's important to note that even with a mutual decision, you may need time apart to adjust emotionally. Rushing into a friendship immediately after a split rarely allows the heart the space it needs to heal.

2. Time and space

Time is your ally. After a breakup, emotions run high, and no one thinks clearly in the aftermath. Taking a step back from your ex gives you both the chance to heal, reflect, and rebuild your individual identities. This pause can be weeks, months, or even longer—whatever your heart needs.

Psychologically, the concept of "emotional re-regulation" comes into play here. This idea focuses on giving your brain the necessary break from emotional triggers (like seeing your ex) to re-establish a sense of normalcy. If, after time apart, you can think of your ex without that familiar chest-tightening anxiety, you may be ready to explore a friendship. But remember, only you know your emotional boundaries and when you feel strong enough to reconnect.

3. Common interests or friends

Shared hobbies, mutual friends, or a similar social circle can provide a genuine reason to keep your ex in your life. Let's face it: friendships born from common interests often outlast relationships. Maybe you both still love that trivia night or are members of the same running club. When your shared interests are a big part of your world, cutting off your ex can feel like losing a piece of your identity. However, tread carefully. The key here is balance and respect for boundaries.

If you hang out in the same friend group, communication is critical to avoid making gatherings awkward. Let your friends know about your plans to remain friendly. Your friends' support can be the glue that holds a post-breakup friendship together.

4. Mature communication

Let's get real—communication is everything. If you're serious about staying friends with your ex, you both need to talk openly, respectfully, and consistently. Clear boundaries help, but they won't mean much if you don't express them maturely. Do you feel anxious or defensive when discussing past relationship issues? You're not alone. Emotional residue lingers, and that's okay. The goal is to acknowledge it and navigate conversations thoughtfully.

Relationship therapist Esther Perel emphasizes, “Good communication doesn't mean talking more; it means talking about the right things at the right time.” So, choose your words wisely and give space when needed. Stay honest about your feelings, but avoid rehashing old arguments or crossing emotional lines.

5. Shared goals

Sometimes, staying in each other's lives makes sense when you have shared goals, like co-parenting or business projects. When this is the case, you need to stay focused on these objectives. It's less about what you once had romantically and more about what you're building together now. Maintain a professional or pragmatic approach to keep emotions from muddying the waters. Recognizing your responsibilities to each other helps redefine your relationship and keep it positive.

Being clear about your goals also helps both of you know where you stand. It minimizes misunderstandings and sets the tone for a mature, mutually supportive friendship.

How to be friends with your ex after a breakup

Okay, so you've decided that staying friends with your ex might be a good idea. Now what? Navigating a new kind of relationship with someone you once loved takes patience, effort, and a whole lot of self-awareness. Here's how you can start to do it right, step by step.

1. Take time apart

First things first: you both need space. When a breakup is fresh, emotions are high, and everyone needs time to heal. Trying to force a friendship right away usually leads to hurt feelings or confusion. Take a breather. Block or mute them on social media if you have to. This isn't about being mean; it's about protecting your mental well-being.

How long should you wait? It depends. Some people need a few weeks, others need several months. The point is to let your heart settle and your mind clear. Time apart allows you to see the relationship for what it was, not what you wished it to be.

2. Redefine your relationship

Once you've had time to heal, it's crucial to redefine what you mean to each other now. Are you acquaintances who occasionally check in, or are you truly ready to be genuine friends? This part can get tricky because feelings don't just disappear overnight.

Imagine your relationship as a book. The romantic chapter has closed, and now you're beginning a new, different one. Be intentional about what this new connection looks like. Discuss your expectations. If either of you secretly hopes to rekindle things, it's best to be honest. Clarity matters.

3. Communicate openly and honestly

Communication is the backbone of any successful relationship, even a post-breakup one. Being friends with an ex requires a higher level of emotional maturity. You need to discuss how you're feeling, set boundaries, and address any awkwardness head-on.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. If something feels off, talk about it. And don't let issues fester. Being honest helps you both understand each other's limits and comfort zones. It may feel awkward, but trust me, it's worth it.

4. Avoid romantic or sexual interactions

One of the biggest pitfalls in staying friends with an ex is slipping back into old romantic or sexual habits. No matter how tempting, crossing that line muddies the waters and makes things more complicated than they need to be. Keep your hands to yourself.

Think of this as a firm, non-negotiable boundary. Even if you're both single, the physical aspect of your past relationship needs to stay in the past. Respect your decision to end things romantically by keeping your friendship platonic and drama-free.

5. Be supportive

Friendship means being there for each other. If you truly value your ex as a friend, support them in their endeavors, celebrate their achievements, and lend a listening ear when they need it. But remember, being supportive doesn't mean taking on the role of an emotional crutch.

Think about the kind of friend you want to be. Are you there for them in the same way you would be for any other friend? If the answer is yes, that's a good sign you're on the right track.

6. Respect their new relationships

This one can be tough, but it's non-negotiable. If your ex starts dating someone new, respect that relationship. Don't try to undermine it or act possessive. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if someone was interfering in your new romance?

Being friends with an ex means acknowledging and accepting that they will move on, just as you should. Their new partner deserves respect, and so does your ex's choice to build a new romantic life. Give them space and support from a distance, and remember that genuine friendship doesn't come with strings attached.

7. Don't expect too much

It's easy to idealize a post-breakup friendship, hoping it will seamlessly fall into place. But in reality, that's rarely the case. Don't expect your ex to be your closest confidant or to give you the same emotional support they once did. Expectations can set you up for disappointment. The dynamic has changed, and that's okay.

Adjust your expectations accordingly. Maybe you won't talk every day. Maybe they'll forget your birthday one year, or your conversations will lack the intimacy they once had. It's all part of this new, evolving friendship. Aim to be pleasantly surprised rather than bitterly disappointed.

Rules of being friends with an ex

Establishing a set of rules can make this whole process smoother. First and foremost, always prioritize your mental health. If being friends is causing you stress or anxiety, take a step back. Self-care isn't selfish.

Another essential rule? No games. Don't use your friendship as a way to make them jealous or to test the waters of a potential reunion. Manipulative behavior will only hurt both of you. And please, don't drag your mutual friends into your unresolved drama. Keep things clean and uncomplicated.

Finally, be honest with yourself about your intentions. If at any point it feels like you're trying to rekindle the past, consider whether a friendship is truly right for you. No one wants to get trapped in a cycle of hope and heartbreak.

Boundaries for being friends with an ex

Boundaries are the backbone of any post-breakup friendship. Without them, things can get messy fast. Start by deciding what topics are off-limits. Maybe you don't want to hear about their new romantic escapades, or perhaps certain inside jokes are too painful to revisit.

Physical boundaries matter too. Hugs might be okay, but long, intimate embraces? Maybe not. Respect the limits both of you set. And don't forget to establish digital boundaries. Do you want to stay connected on social media, or is it healthier to mute their updates for a while? Choose what's best for your peace of mind.

Setting boundaries might feel awkward, but it's a crucial step in maintaining a healthy, balanced friendship. Remember, boundaries aren't walls. They're guidelines to help protect your emotional well-being.

More questions on how to be friends with your ex

Still have questions? That's perfectly normal. Navigating a friendship with an ex can be one of the most complicated post-relationship challenges you'll ever face. Here are some common concerns that come up.

How long should you wait after the breakup?

How much time is enough time? The answer depends on the intensity of your relationship and the depth of your feelings. For some, a few weeks might be sufficient to feel emotionally stable again. For others, it might take months or even a year to get to a point where you can see your ex without feeling that familiar pang of heartache.

Psychologists often recommend taking a minimum of three months apart. This period lets your brain recalibrate and start to heal. Breakups trigger emotional responses similar to withdrawal symptoms. Yes, really. Your brain needs time to detox from the “love hormones” like oxytocin and dopamine that were once so abundant in your relationship.

In short, don't rush. Give yourself the grace to heal. There's no shame in needing more time. It's about feeling genuinely ready to engage with your ex in a purely platonic way, not just pretending to be okay when you're not.

Is it best to cut all ties with an ex?

This is one of the most debated questions post-breakup, and honestly, it comes down to your specific situation. If the relationship was toxic or damaging, cutting all ties is probably the healthiest route. You deserve a fresh start without reminders of what hurt you.

On the other hand, if your relationship ended on relatively good terms and both of you have a solid foundation for friendship, cutting ties may not be necessary. However, even in amicable situations, you might benefit from an initial no-contact period to create space for healing.

Ultimately, there's no right or wrong answer. Listen to your emotions and your body. If your heart races or you feel a sense of dread when you see a text from your ex, it's a sign you might need more distance. But if you find that you're genuinely indifferent or happy to hear from them, perhaps friendship is a viable option. Your well-being should always come first.

Recommended Resources

These books can offer further guidance on navigating post-breakup life and healthy relationships:

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott
• Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown