20 Clear Signs Your Ex Isn't Over You (Yet!)

Key Takeaways:

• Signs of lingering feelings
• Psychological reasons for behaviors
• Why jealousy tactics surface
• Subconscious ways exes stay connected
• What to do if they're pretending

Let's face it, breakups aren't always as clean-cut as we'd like. If your ex is sending you mixed signals or hanging onto old memories, you might be wondering if they're really over you—or just pretending. These behaviors often reveal unresolved feelings, hinting at a deeper psychological struggle. If you've noticed signs like subtle sabotage or unexpected run-ins, you're not alone. We'll unpack 20 common signs that your ex may still be holding onto something more than they're letting on. Understanding these clues can give you clarity and help you decide what to do next. Let's dive in and get to the bottom of what's really going on.

20 signs your ex is pretending to be over you

Getting over an ex is complicated. Even when someone says they've “moved on,” certain behaviors can reveal they're still entangled emotionally. When your ex displays signs like sending confusing signals, blaming you, or keeping that flame of resentment alive, it's usually a sign that things aren't as resolved as they may claim. Let's take a closer look at these telltale signs so you can see the hidden meanings behind their actions and gain some clarity about where they truly stand.

1. Mixed signals and confusion

One day, they're super friendly, and the next, they act like you don't exist. Mixed signals are one of the clearest signs that your ex may be pretending to be over you. This “hot and cold” behavior often indicates unresolved emotions. According to psychologist Dr. Judith Orloff, people use mixed signals as a way to protect themselves while still staying connected. If your ex oscillates between kindness and aloofness, it's a sign they're not as over it as they'd like you to believe.

2. Shifting blame onto you

Do they keep pointing fingers, bringing up old arguments, or reminding you of past mistakes? When an ex hasn't moved on, they may keep blaming you as a defense mechanism. Blaming can be a way to distance themselves from their own feelings of hurt or regret. By keeping the focus on what “you did wrong,” they avoid facing their own emotional wounds. This blame-shifting is a big red flag that they're still dealing with the fallout of your breakup.

3. Keeping anger and resentment alive

If your ex holds onto anger or resentment, it shows they haven't reached that place of peace or closure. When people harbor negative feelings toward an ex, it's a sign they're still emotionally invested. They might “accidentally” slip criticisms about you in conversations or appear triggered whenever your name comes up. As relationship expert Esther Perel explains, unresolved anger is often just “love turned upside down.” When they can't let go of the bitterness, they may be masking deeper feelings they're not ready to confront.

4. Frequent contact attempts

If they're always finding excuses to reach out, it's more than just being “friendly.” Regular calls, texts, or casual “check-ins” are signs that they may be using communication as a way to keep a thread of connection. Even if the conversation feels harmless or superficial, staying in touch frequently shows they still want a place in your life. For them, these interactions could serve as a reminder of the past connection they're struggling to let go of.

5. Persistent flirting behaviors

If your ex is still flirting with you, it's often a clear signal they're not as “over” things as they claim. Flirting keeps that spark alive, even in subtle ways—a lingering look, a playful comment, or teasing. It's their way of testing the waters, perhaps hoping you'll respond and reignite something. The truth is, flirtation is a form of connection, and if they're constantly turning on the charm, it's likely because they want to stay on your radar.

6. Constantly bringing up old memories

Does your ex bring up shared memories often? This nostalgia trip can be a sign they're holding onto the good parts of your relationship. By reminding you of the “good old days,” they're keeping the emotional bond alive. According to research by Dr. Helen Fisher, revisiting memories of an ex can re-stimulate the same feelings of attachment. When they keep talking about your past together, it's usually because they're not ready to let go of those moments.

7. Avoiding taking back their things

If they're avoiding picking up their stuff, it could be more than just procrastination. Leaving personal items behind gives them a reason to maintain contact and, in a sense, keeps a part of them in your life. These items become subtle reminders that they're still lingering, emotionally and physically. It's a classic move for those who aren't quite ready to fully detach, providing a simple excuse to reappear or reconnect.

8. Subtle sabotage

Your ex might not be deliberately trying to make things difficult, but if you notice them interfering in your new relationships or social plans, it's a strong indicator they're still invested. This subtle sabotage could look like “accidental” run-ins with your friends, negative comments about new people in your life, or showing up unannounced. Whether they realize it or not, these actions reveal they're not ready to see you move on. In some cases, it's a subconscious attempt to keep you close by disrupting the connections you're forming without them.

9. Increased social media presence

If your ex has suddenly ramped up their social media activity, it might be more than just a desire to share. They could be posting more selfies, updating their status often, or highlighting every outing they attend. This heightened social presence often signals an attempt to make sure you're noticing them. It's a way of saying, “Look at me; I'm doing great!” even if they're not. Social media becomes their stage, and they're using it to remind you that they're still around, indirectly inviting your attention back into their life.

10. Silence on the breakup topic

When someone is genuinely over a relationship, they can usually talk about the breakup without too much hesitation. However, if your ex clams up whenever the topic arises, it might be because they're avoiding the pain or the reality of the split. Avoidance is a coping mechanism—by sidestepping the breakup conversation, they can mentally stay in a state where “we” still exist. Their silence speaks volumes, hinting that they may not have fully processed what happened or moved on from it.

11. Trying to make you jealous

Has your ex been hanging around new people, especially if they're flaunting these connections in front of you? The classic jealousy game is a common tactic for exes who are still emotionally attached. By showcasing their interactions with others, they're attempting to provoke a reaction from you. It's a way to test whether you still care. Dr. Gary Lewandowski, a relationship expert, mentions that “jealousy is often a sign of insecurity,” and in this case, it shows that they're insecure about their hold on you even after the breakup.

12. Overstating their newfound happiness

If they keep telling everyone just how “amazing” their life is now, they may be trying too hard to prove something. Constantly talking about their “new happiness” can often be a front. When people exaggerate their bliss, they're often attempting to mask the hurt. Their eagerness to display happiness could hint at feelings of loss they're not ready to admit. It's almost like they're trying to convince themselves—and you—that they're genuinely okay.

13. Lighthearted jokes about missing you

Making jokes about missing you? That's rarely as innocent as it sounds. These “jokes” are usually an indirect way of testing how you'll respond. Humor can be a safe vehicle for conveying feelings, as it allows them to brush it off as a joke if you don't reciprocate. Psychologists often refer to this as a defense mechanism, where they downplay their feelings in a way that feels safe. Don't underestimate these remarks; they're likely testing the waters to see if you feel the same.

14. Seemingly random run-ins

Oh, bumping into them again? Sometimes these encounters aren't as coincidental as they appear. If you keep running into your ex in places you frequent, it might be intentional. They know your routine, so showing up at your favorite café or gym could be their way of keeping tabs on you or creating a “casual” opportunity to reconnect. The repeated chance encounters hint that they're finding ways to stay physically present in your life, even if they claim it's by accident.

15. Drunk dialing or texting

There's a saying that “a drunk mind speaks a sober heart.” When alcohol lowers inhibitions, people's true feelings often surface. If your ex reaches out while intoxicated, this can be a strong indicator they're still emotionally attached. Whether it's a late-night call or a random text, these messages often express feelings they'd hide when sober. Drunk dialing suggests they haven't moved on, and in their uninhibited state, they feel the urge to reconnect, even if just for a fleeting moment.

16. Suggesting casual catch-ups

If they're constantly suggesting “just a coffee” or “a quick catch-up,” it may be more loaded than they let on. These casual meet-ups can feel like an innocent way to stay in touch, but often they're testing the waters, seeing if there's a chance to rekindle things. When an ex still wants to meet up regularly, it's typically because they haven't fully closed the door on the relationship. Casual meet-ups offer them a low-pressure way to keep you in their life.

17. No new love interest in sight

Sometimes, the absence of someone new speaks louder than words. If your ex hasn't started dating or even hinted at moving on, it might mean they're not ready—or willing—to let go. Staying single can be a sign they're still emotionally entangled with you. Sure, healing can take time, but if it's been a while and they show no interest in moving forward romantically, there's a good chance they're holding onto hope that you'll return.

18. Visible joy at seeing you

When you run into each other, is their smile just a little too bright? Genuine happiness at seeing you can reveal a lot. If they light up or appear overly enthusiastic, it's a sign they still value the connection. This kind of joy often comes from a place of fondness, hinting that they're still holding onto feelings. Even when people say they're “over” someone, that unmistakable joy says otherwise.

19. Complete avoidance or coldness

If your ex goes out of their way to avoid you or acts extremely cold, this could be their way of hiding unresolved feelings. Acting aloof or distant can be a shield, especially if seeing you brings up emotions they're not ready to handle. According to relationship expert Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, extreme avoidance often signals that people haven't processed their feelings. Instead of facing the emotions, they shut down, keeping distance as a way to cope.

20. Saying 'I miss you' outright

This one might seem obvious, but if your ex tells you outright that they miss you, it's clear they're struggling to let go. Whether it's said casually or during a heartfelt moment, these words reveal that they're not truly over the breakup. Admitting “I miss you” is often their way of seeking validation, hoping you'll feel the same or that it might spark something again. Sometimes, they're waiting for you to reciprocate, opening the door for a potential reunion.

What to do if your ex is pretending to be over you?

So, you've spotted the signs, and it seems pretty clear—your ex isn't over you. Now what? First and foremost, take a moment to focus on yourself. Getting caught up in their mixed messages and unresolved feelings can be exhausting and emotionally confusing. Remember, your well-being comes first. If their lingering feelings are affecting your own healing, it's okay to set boundaries.

Open communication is also essential. If you feel comfortable and ready, have an honest conversation with them. A straightforward chat can help clear the air, bringing clarity to any unresolved questions or doubts. Just be sure to keep your expectations realistic—sometimes, closure doesn't come from others but from within ourselves.

If you're interested in rekindling things, tread carefully. Try to understand their true intentions rather than getting swept up in nostalgia. Reconnecting is possible, but only if both of you have healed and grown from the past. Take time to evaluate if their presence in your life now would be genuinely fulfilling or if it would be dragging you back into old patterns.

FAQs

How do you know if your ex is thinking about you?

If your ex is still thinking about you, you might notice subtle signs like random messages, indirect social media interactions, or mutual friends mentioning that they bring you up. These behaviors often show they haven't fully detached emotionally. A consistent pattern of these actions usually signals that you're still on their mind.

Will an ex move on during no contact?

The “no contact” period can be a powerful tool for emotional clarity. Some exes do move on during this time, especially if they use the space to heal and grow. However, for others, the distance can intensify their feelings. Ultimately, it varies from person to person, but no contact gives both sides the opportunity to reflect on what they truly want.

Recommended Resources

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
• Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott