Why People Become Bullies (& 4 Ways to Help)

Key Takeaways:

• Bullies seek control and recognition
• Behavior often masks deeper issues
• Understanding the roots can shift behavior
• Positive reinforcement can help change
• Empathy and connection reduce bullying

We've all encountered a bully at some point, whether on the playground, in the workplace, or even within our social circles. The painful sting of their words or actions can leave lasting marks, but why do people exhibit such hostile behavior? Is it purely a matter of cruelty, or is there something deeper at play? The truth is, bullies often act out of unresolved emotional needs, seeking control, connection, or recognition. In this article, we'll explore the underlying reasons why people develop bullying tendencies and, more importantly, how we can help redirect that energy into healthier outlets. Let's dive in and unravel what drives these behaviors — and how we can put an end to it for good.

Characteristics of a Bully

When we think of a bully, certain images may come to mind: someone who uses intimidation, harsh words, or physical threats to get what they want. But the truth is, the characteristics of a bully go far deeper than what's visible on the surface. Often, these behaviors are rooted in complex psychological issues. Bullies tend to exhibit traits such as impulsivity, a lack of empathy, and a desire to dominate others. But why?

Bullying is not just about power. It's about filling a void — whether that's self-esteem issues, insecurity, or the need for attention. Dr. Dan Olweus, a renowned bullying prevention researcher, once noted, “Bullies often lack the social skills necessary to form meaningful relationships, leading them to resort to aggression as a way to connect.” They may appear confident, but that bravado often hides deep-seated fears of rejection or inadequacy. Understanding these characteristics is the first step toward addressing bullying behavior in a constructive way.

Why Do People Turn Into Bullies?

So, what drives someone to become a bully? It's easy to label bullies as ‘bad people,' but reality is rarely that simple. Bullying behavior stems from a range of factors, often tied to unfulfilled emotional needs. It's not just about wanting to be mean; it's about coping with feelings of insignificance, powerlessness, or lack of control in their own lives.

There are a few key reasons why people might turn to bullying as a coping mechanism. For some, it becomes a way to exert control when everything else in their life feels chaotic. For others, bullying is a misguided attempt to forge social connections or feel important. To truly address the issue, we need to understand the driving force behind these behaviors.

1. Bullying Provides a Sense of Control

Let's face it: life can feel unpredictable and out of control at times. For individuals who feel powerless in other areas of their lives, bullying provides a sense of dominance. It's their way of reclaiming the control they desperately crave. Psychologically, this is known as the “compensatory control theory,” which suggests that when people experience a lack of control, they compensate by trying to control something else — even if that means resorting to harmful behaviors.

For example, a child who feels overlooked at home may turn into a bully at school to regain a sense of agency. In this context, bullying is not about the victim but rather the bully's need to assert their own power. Unfortunately, this temporary fix doesn't address their underlying insecurities, leading to a cycle of continued aggression.

2. Bullying Becomes a Way to Connect

Surprisingly, some bullies are driven by the need for connection. Yes, you read that right. Human beings are social creatures, and even bullies crave a sense of belonging. Unfortunately, they may not have learned healthy ways to build relationships. In their minds, negative attention is better than no attention at all. This is where the concept of “negative reinforcement” comes in — they might feel rewarded by the reactions their bullying provokes, even if those reactions are fear or anger.

Think of it like this: if a child doesn't receive positive interactions, they may settle for negative ones. If a teenager feels isolated, they might pick on peers to feel included or noticed. The act of bullying becomes their twisted version of social bonding. According to Dr. Brené Brown, “Connection is why we're here; it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” But if someone doesn't know how to form genuine connections, they may resort to harmful tactics just to feel like they matter.

3. Bullying Gives a Sense of Importance

For some, bullying becomes a way to feel significant in a world where they otherwise feel invisible. When people don't get recognition for positive actions, they may turn to negative behaviors just to be noticed. The act of putting someone down can create a distorted sense of superiority, making them feel important — even if it's for the wrong reasons.

Psychologists refer to this as “compensatory narcissism.” Essentially, when people feel inferior, they overcompensate by inflating their own self-worth at the expense of others. It's a temporary boost to their self-esteem, masking their feelings of inadequacy. A child who feels undervalued at home may resort to bullying in order to feel powerful among their peers. It's not true self-confidence, but rather a fragile facade masking deeper insecurities.

How to Help Bullies Change Their Behavior

Once we understand the motivations behind bullying, it becomes easier to find solutions. It's not just about punishing the bully; it's about addressing the root causes of their behavior. Rather than simply reacting with discipline, we need to foster environments where bullies can find healthier ways to meet their needs.

It's crucial to remember that bullying behavior often masks emotional pain. By taking the time to understand what's truly driving the behavior, we can break the cycle and guide individuals toward more positive, meaningful interactions. Let's explore a few strategies for turning things around.

1. Address the Root Cause & Avoid Punishment

Too often, our first reaction to a bully is to punish them. But punishment alone doesn't address why they're acting out in the first place. If anything, it can reinforce their belief that the world is against them. Instead, focus on understanding the underlying causes. Are they struggling with self-esteem? Are they lashing out because of issues at home or social rejection?

According to child psychologist Dr. Kenneth Dodge, “Bullying is a cry for help, not a character flaw.” When we shift our perspective, we can respond with compassion rather than condemnation. Try engaging the bully in open conversations, helping them express their frustrations in healthier ways. This not only prevents the behavior from escalating but also opens the door for genuine change.

2. Encourage Positive Significance

One of the most powerful ways to help a bully change their behavior is to show them that they can feel significant without tearing others down. Bullies often crave validation and recognition, and if they don't receive it in constructive ways, they resort to negative behavior. Instead of focusing solely on punishment, try to redirect that need for significance into something positive. Encourage them to take on leadership roles, where they can feel important by uplifting others rather than bringing them down.

Psychologist Alfred Adler once emphasized, “A person's feeling of significance is at the core of their well-being.” By giving bullies opportunities to contribute positively — whether that's through mentoring younger kids, joining team projects, or volunteering — we can help them realize that they don't need to hurt others to feel valued. They can be someone people look up to, not out of fear, but out of genuine respect.

3. Change Dynamics by Building Friendship

This may sound counterintuitive, but befriending a bully can sometimes change their behavior. Bullies often isolate themselves emotionally, using aggression as a shield to protect against the vulnerability that comes with authentic connection. By approaching them with kindness rather than hostility, you can begin to break down those walls.

It's not about excusing their actions. Instead, it's about shifting the dynamic. Imagine how disarming it would be for someone who expects hostility to be met with empathy instead. Sometimes, just one act of kindness can disrupt a bully's negative pattern. Show them that there are healthier ways to connect and that they don't have to resort to harmful tactics to feel accepted.

4. Teach Healthy Emotional Coping Skills

Bullying often stems from an inability to cope with difficult emotions. Instead of expressing sadness, fear, or frustration in constructive ways, bullies lash out. By teaching emotional regulation and coping skills, we can equip them with the tools they need to handle life's challenges more effectively.

One effective method is helping them recognize and name their feelings. Once they identify what they're experiencing, they can learn how to express those emotions without resorting to aggression. Techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, or even physical activities like sports can serve as healthy outlets for pent-up frustration. Over time, this can replace the need to bully with more constructive ways of handling stress and insecurities.

Recommended Resources

If you're interested in learning more about the psychology behind bullying and how to address it, consider the following books:

• The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso – A comprehensive guide on breaking the cycle of bullying in schools.
• Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons – Insight into the social dynamics and hidden forms of bullying among girls.
• The Psychology of Bullying: From Theory to Intervention by Peter K. Smith – An academic exploration of the roots of bullying and effective interventions.