How to Leave an Abusive Relationship (12 Steps)

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize the signs of abuse early
• Take time to decide to leave
• Plan your escape for safety
• Protect your privacy and location
• Seek healing and build healthier relationships

Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy. If you're reading this, it might mean you're considering leaving an abusive spouse or partner, or you're feeling trapped in a cycle of emotional or physical harm. We understand how overwhelming that decision can be. The fear, confusion, and emotional turmoil can feel suffocating. But here's the truth: You deserve better. The first step is acknowledging the abuse, and from there, it's about reclaiming control over your life. It's not just about surviving—it's about thriving, and it starts with making the decision to get out.

The psychological and emotional effects of abuse are deep. You may have heard the phrase "Stockholm Syndrome," where victims of abuse bond with their abusers due to fear or manipulation. In relationships with abusive spouses, this dynamic often traps you in a cycle of dependency and hope that things will get better. But remember, it's not your fault. The process of leaving requires self-compassion and strategic planning. “You don't leave an abusive relationship in a day. It's a journey that takes courage, awareness, and strength,” says Dr. Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? His words are a reminder that leaving takes time and should be approached carefully and with support.

If you're unsure about how to leave an abusive relationship, the key is in creating a safety plan. Whether you're considering how to tell someone you're in an abusive relationship or you're seeking ways to keep yourself safe once you've left, knowing where to start and whom to trust can make all the difference. We're here to walk you through those steps—because you don't have to do this alone. Let's dive in.

If you're in an abusive relationship

If you're currently in an abusive relationship, it's essential to first recognize and acknowledge what's happening. The signs of abuse can be subtle at first, but over time, they become harder to ignore. You might experience emotional manipulation, verbal insults, physical violence, or even financial control. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the harder it becomes to see it for what it truly is. But admitting to yourself that you're in an abusive situation is the first step toward breaking free.

Psychologically, abusive relationships often follow a pattern of "love bombing" followed by emotional or physical abuse, which is then followed by periods of remorse or promises of change. This cycle, known as the "cycle of abuse," creates confusion and hope that things can get better, making it even harder to leave. But understanding that this cycle is designed to manipulate and trap you can help you regain your perspective.

Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship

Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult, even when you know it's the right thing to do. You may feel scared, guilty, or uncertain about what will happen next. Often, leaving is not just about the person you're with; it's about the life you've built together, the memories, and the hope that they'll change. But the truth is, no one deserves to live in fear, and your safety and well-being should be your priority.

It's natural to second-guess your decision. After all, the abuse can create a toxic dependency where you feel like you can't live without the person, even though they're causing you harm. Dr. Lundy Bancroft, a leading expert on abusive relationships, writes, "The most dangerous time for an abused person is when they attempt to leave." The fear of retaliation, especially from an abusive spouse, can be paralyzing. But trust in the fact that you can take action, and you can get out.

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:

If you're still unsure about leaving, it's crucial to look for the red flags that signal your abuser is unlikely to change. These signs might include manipulative behavior, denial of any wrongdoing, or a repeated pattern of breaking promises to change. Abusers often use gaslighting—making you doubt your reality—as a tactic to retain control over you. If you're constantly questioning yourself or feeling like you're walking on eggshells, these are strong indications that the relationship is unhealthy and dangerous for you.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, if your abuser threatens you, isolates you from friends and family, or continues the abuse despite seeking help or counseling, it's clear that they are not committed to change. The responsibility for the abuse always lies with the abuser, not with you. It's vital to trust your instincts and recognize when it's time to walk away for your own safety and mental health.

Safety planning if you're being abused

Once you've made the decision to leave, the next step is safety planning. Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous, especially if the abuser is violent or has made threats. It's crucial to plan your departure carefully to minimize risks. Start by identifying a safe place to go—a friend or family member's house, a shelter, or even a public place if necessary. Having a "safe word" or a code with someone you trust can also help alert them if you need to leave quickly.

Safety planning also involves securing important documents (like identification, birth certificates, and bank account information) and having a bag packed with essentials (clothes, medications, phone, etc.). If possible, try to keep your plans secret to prevent the abuser from sabotaging your efforts. Remember: escaping from an abusive relationship is not just a physical process—it's a mental and emotional one too. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this incredibly challenging experience.

Make an escape plan

Planning your escape is a critical step in getting out of an abusive relationship. It may sound daunting, but breaking it down into smaller, manageable actions can make it feel more doable. Start by identifying a trusted friend, family member, or shelter where you can go once you leave. Having a safe destination is essential—your abuser may try to track you, so secrecy is key.

Your escape plan should include more than just where you'll go. It should also involve what you'll take with you: important documents like identification, financial information, medications, and personal belongings. Try to prepare these items in advance and keep them hidden in a place your abuser won't easily find. If you need to leave quickly, having a "go-bag" ready will allow you to act fast. The less time you spend trying to gather your things in an emergency, the safer you'll be.

In some cases, you might need to leave in a hurry. In these situations, knowing your options ahead of time can be the difference between safety and danger. Whether you're escaping in the middle of the night or planning to leave when the abuser is away, having a detailed plan is crucial for minimizing risk and maximizing your chances of a successful escape.

If you stay

Leaving an abusive relationship is not always immediately possible, and some people may need to stay for a while longer due to various reasons, such as financial dependency, children, or lack of support. If staying is your only option for the time being, your focus should be on minimizing harm and finding ways to stay safe until you're ready to leave.

It's important to remember that staying doesn't mean you deserve the abuse or that you have given up. Sometimes, it simply means you need more time to strategize your exit or find the necessary resources to leave safely. During this time, try to strengthen your support system—confide in trusted friends or family members who can help when the time comes. Document the abuse whenever possible, as keeping a record can help if you need to involve authorities or seek legal protection in the future.

If you choose to stay for a while, prioritize self-care and maintain your mental health. Seek therapy, support groups, or safe spaces to heal from the trauma. Remember, no matter how long you stay, you always have the option to leave when you're ready, and your safety should always come first.

Protecting your privacy

When you're dealing with an abusive relationship, protecting your privacy is a top priority. Abusers often try to monitor their victims, using technology, social media, or even in-person surveillance. To escape without being tracked, it's essential to take proactive steps to protect your personal information and digital presence.

Start by securing your devices. Change the passwords to your phone, email, social media, and online banking accounts, especially if you've shared any passwords with your abuser. Clear your browsing history regularly, and consider using private browsing or encrypted messaging apps. If you suspect that your phone or computer might be monitored, you can use a friend's device or visit a public library to access online resources or make important calls.

Physical privacy is just as important. Keep your personal documents hidden and secure, and be mindful of any locations where your abuser might know to search. If necessary, consider opening a new bank account, changing your address, or using a P.O. box. Protecting your privacy helps you stay in control and move forward with your escape plan without the constant threat of being found.

Protecting yourself from surveillance and recording devices

Abusers often go to great lengths to maintain control over their victims, and this can include tracking your movements through surveillance or recording devices. These can be hidden in your home, car, or even on your phone. It's vital to be proactive in safeguarding yourself from being monitored or recorded without your knowledge.

Start by inspecting your surroundings. Check for any unusual devices that might be spying on you. This can include hidden cameras, microphones, or GPS tracking devices on your phone or car. If you're unsure how to identify such devices, consider seeking professional help. There are tools available to help detect hidden cameras and bugs, but it's also crucial to be aware of your digital footprint. Abusers may install apps or software to track your phone or computer activity. Always update your passwords and enable two-factor authentication where possible.

If you're concerned about being tracked, you can disable GPS location on your devices, and use privacy settings that prevent others from viewing your activities. If you think your phone is compromised, it may be time to purchase a new one or temporarily use a friend's device until you're safe. Above all, trust your instincts—if something feels off or too intrusive, take steps to protect your privacy immediately.

Domestic violence shelters

Domestic violence shelters provide a safe haven for those escaping abusive relationships. They offer not only physical safety but also a range of services designed to help survivors rebuild their lives. These shelters can be lifesaving, offering a secure place to stay while you plan your next steps and work towards long-term safety.

Many shelters provide more than just a bed—they offer counseling, legal assistance, and connections to resources like food, clothing, and employment services. The staff at these shelters are trained to support individuals in abusive situations, and they can guide you through the process of finding housing, getting legal protection, and starting a new life. For those with children, some shelters also provide services specifically tailored to families, offering a safe, nurturing environment for both adults and kids.

Finding the right shelter can take time, but organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you connect with shelters in your area. If you have pets, it's important to note that some shelters may allow animals, or they may be able to help you find pet-friendly shelter options.

Finding shelter with your pet

If you have a pet, it's understandable to be concerned about how to keep them safe while you escape an abusive situation. Unfortunately, many domestic violence shelters do not allow animals, which can make leaving even more difficult. However, there are options for pet owners in these situations.

Some shelters are pet-friendly or work with local animal rescue organizations to provide temporary care for pets while you get to safety. The key is to plan ahead. If you suspect you may need to leave quickly, start looking into shelters that accept pets or ask animal rescue groups in your area about fostering options. Many shelters are now becoming more aware of the link between domestic abuse and animal abuse, and some have specific programs to protect pets alongside their owners.

If you're unable to find a pet-friendly shelter, make a list of friends or family who might be able to care for your pet temporarily. Just like with your own safety, your pet's well-being should be a priority, and there are people out there who can help keep them safe until you're able to reunite.

Protecting yourself after you've left

Once you've left an abusive relationship, your safety isn't guaranteed just because you've walked away. Abusers often escalate their behavior when they feel they're losing control. That's why it's crucial to take steps to protect yourself even after you've physically removed yourself from the situation.

First and foremost, change your contact information. Get a new phone number, email, and social media accounts. Update your passwords and enable additional security features where possible. Consider filing a restraining order or protective order if you feel your abuser may try to contact you or show up at your home or workplace. This legal action can give you some peace of mind and a sense of security.

During this time, make sure to stay connected with a support network of friends, family, or a counselor. Isolation can make you vulnerable, so lean on those you trust as you begin to heal. If you're staying in a new place, don't disclose your location to anyone other than trusted individuals. Keep your living situation confidential and consider changing your address if necessary.

Lastly, remember that healing is a process. You don't have to do it alone, and there are professionals who can help guide you through the emotional and psychological trauma you've experienced. Take it one day at a time, and give yourself the grace to recover at your own pace. Your life and your future are yours to shape, and with time, you can begin to rebuild your sense of safety, self-worth, and independence.

To keep your new location a secret:

Once you've escaped an abusive relationship, one of the most crucial steps in protecting yourself is ensuring that your new location remains a secret. Abusers often try to track their victims or manipulate others into revealing their whereabouts. To maintain your safety, take immediate action to safeguard your new address and routine.

Start by limiting who you share your location with. This includes not just your ex-partner but also people in your social circle who may unknowingly pass on information. Consider using a P.O. box for mail and only sharing your new address with trusted individuals. Be mindful when talking to family or friends, as your abuser may try to manipulate them into revealing where you are.

If possible, change your phone number and email address to avoid being contacted or tracked. Be cautious about social media—posting location updates, photos, or other identifiable details can inadvertently reveal where you are. If you feel like you're being stalked online, consult a digital security expert or use services that can help you remove your personal information from public databases.

Taking steps to heal and move on

Leaving an abusive relationship is not just about physical escape—it's also about emotional healing. The trauma of abuse can affect every part of your life, from your sense of self-worth to your ability to trust others. Healing after such an experience takes time, but it is entirely possible. Start by giving yourself the grace to heal at your own pace.

Recognize that healing isn't linear. Some days will feel better than others, and that's okay. Whether you seek therapy, support groups, or engage in self-care practices, it's important to remember that recovery is a journey, not a destination. Therapy, particularly trauma-informed care, can help you process the emotional wounds of abuse and rebuild a sense of safety in your own life. Working through these emotions with a professional can help you find ways to cope with the aftermath and start moving forward.

Self-care is equally vital. Make time for activities that nourish you, whether that's spending time with loved ones, exercising, journaling, or engaging in creative hobbies. Reconnect with what makes you feel alive and empowered. Over time, the psychological scars of abuse will begin to fade, but it's important to understand that you don't have to rush your healing. Take each day as it comes, and remember that there is no "right" way to heal. You are the expert of your own recovery.

Building healthy new relationships

After leaving an abusive relationship, building healthy relationships can feel daunting. You may have spent a long time feeling isolated or manipulated, and trusting people again may seem like an impossible task. However, building healthy, supportive relationships is a crucial part of your healing journey.

Start with yourself. Before you can enter a new relationship, it's important to rebuild your sense of self-worth and independence. Take time to rediscover who you are outside of the context of the abusive relationship. This will help you identify what you truly need in a partner and what healthy boundaries look like.

When you do start connecting with others, prioritize those who respect your boundaries and treat you with kindness and respect. Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust, communication, and understanding. Pay attention to red flags, even in new friends or romantic partners, and don't be afraid to take your time. You deserve relationships where you are valued and supported, and building these connections slowly will help you heal in the long run.

Recommended Resources

• “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans
• “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft
• “It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship” by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Robert M. Dugan
• “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
• National Domestic Violence Hotline – www.thehotline.org