Excerpted from

Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman: Wisdom and Hope for Women At Any Stage of Emotional Abuse Recovery

By Beverly Engel

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Do You Recognize This Woman?

The emotionally abused woman was an emotionally abused child. While she may not recognize it, she has established an ongoing pattern of being abused by her lover or husband, her boss, her friends, her parents, her siblings, and even her own children. No matter how successful, how intelligent, or how attractive she is, she still feels "less than" other people. She may have taken assertiveness-training classes and yet still feels afraid to stand up for herself in her relationships. She is still victimized by her low self-esteem, her fear of authority figures, or her need to be taken care of by others. Although she has worked on herself through therapy, twelve-step programs, and/or self-help books, she often feels hopeless and increasingly critical of herself. She recognizes that despite her efforts to change, she seem to be unable to choose people who will treat her with respect and consideration.

If this sounds like a description of you, then you are an emotionally abused woman. Just what is emotional abuse? Emotional abuse can best be described as a process similar to brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at your self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in your perceptions, and self-concept. Whether this is accomplished by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of so-called guidance or teaching, the results are similar. Eventually, you lose all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.

Many women suffer from the effects of emotional abuse - depression; lack of motivation; confusion; difficulty concentrating or making decisions; low self-esteem; feelings of failure, worthlessness, and hopelessness; self-blame; and self-destructiveness - hut do not understand what is causing these symptoms. Often women will come into my office wondering what is wrong with them. They're depressed, they're not performing the way they want to at work and with their children, they've lost their sex drive, they're not taking care of themselves physically. As we talk, it becomes evident that someone in their life is emotionally abusing them.

Like many other women, you may not know that you are being emotionally abused. While you may realize that your husband, boyfriend, or boss seems to be demanding and hard to please, you may not consider his behavior abusive. Emotional abuse can be difficult to define. Unlike physical or sexual abuse, there is no physical evidence of the damage and there is no clear-cut definition of what is abusive and what is not. In addition, we all engage in emotionally abusive behavior from time to time, especially during arguments. So what exactly is emotionally abusive behavior?

The emotionally abusive person has an agenda, and that agenda is to be in control. He will therefore dominate, sup-press, tyrannize, persecute, and attempt to conquer anyone he relates to on a consistent basis. Among his repertoire of control tactics are insults, denigrating comments, threats, and constant criticism, along with an extensive array of other intimidating behavior designed to make others feel inadequate and helpless. His most obvious tactics include yelling, threatening, temper tantrums, and name calling. These direct attacks have an aggressive, assaultive quality about them. But he also has an array of less obvious tactics that are insidious and covert, such as implied threats, unrelenting "constructive" criticism; gaslighting, denial, rewriting history, and shifting the blame.

You are being emotionally abused if:

• someone constantly criticizes you or feels his or her needs are more important than yours

• you wake up each day feeling worse about yourself than the day before

• you blame yourself for the problems in the relationship or situation even though you aren't quite sure what you've done wrong and even though you are trying as hard as you can

• your partner (or boss, or friend) always blames you for whatever goes wrong in his or her life

It is not uncommon for a woman to be emotionally abused by more than one person. The pattern of abuse often started when she was a child, so she has grown up with low self-esteem and the expectation of being abused. As a result, she continually attracts abusive people into her life.

Not all emotional abusers are male. Female bosses, teachers, friends, siblings, and lovers can be equally destructive to a woman's ego. In fact, some women use other, less assertive women as targets for acting out their anger and rage. Some women are misogynistic - that is, they have a deep dislike, distrust, and disdain for other women. And some women may be so envious of a female friend that they undermine and sabotage the friend's relationships or career.

Even though emotional abusers can be of either sex, most women reading this book will likely be concerned about their relationships with abusive boyfriends or husbands. Therefore, I will refer to the emotional abuser as "he" throughout unless I am specifically referring to a female abuser.

Are You Being Emotionally Abused?

It is extremely difficult to come to the realization that you are being emotionally abused. To determine whether you are being emotionally abused, you need to work past any resistance you have to the idea, your continual doubting of yourself, and your tendency to give the abuser the benefit of the doubt. liven those women who already know they are being emotionally abused may go in and out of denial about how damaging the abuse really is.

The encouragements in the following section will help you determine whether you are indeed being emotionally abused and will help prevent you from slipping back into denial once you have admitted the abuse to yourself.

Admitting That You Are Being Emotionally Abused

Look for a long time at what pleases you, and longer still at what pains you.

Colette

It can be extremely difficult to admit to being emotionally abused, particularly if you feel competent and successful in all other respects. But emotional abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. And you certainly are not alone.

Admitting to this is going to require that you take a long, hard look at your relationships. How often are you in a state of emotional pain because of the expectations, comments, criticisms, or suggestions of those close to you? No matter how much you love these people, no matter how well-intentioned they may be, you do not deserve to be treated like a bad child. You are an adult who deserves respect, caring, and independence.

No matter how difficult and painful it is, admitting that you are being emotionally abused is the first step to recovery.

Doubting Yourself

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his town brother.

Kahlil G Bran

Because of the undermining nature of emotional abuse, because it rips away your self-esteem and causes you to doubt everything about yourself, you will most likely continue to question whether you are actually being emotionally abused.

This doubt is what the emotional abuser depends on. He knows you do not trust your own perceptions, knows that it is easy to confuse you. Don't let him get away with it! Begin to have some faith in your own feelings. If you believe you are being emotionally abused, then you are. It's that simple. Don't try to convince the abuser; he'll never admit it. Just keep trying to convince yourself.

Doubting yourself is like calling yourself a liar. Believe in yourself, trust yourself.

Cause and Effect

We must never allow other people's limited perceptions to define us.

Virginia Satir

Those who are being emotionally abused often come to believe their abusers' accusations. Emotionally abused women may become less and less productive, less motivated, less affectionate, and less sexual - but these are the effects of the emotional abuse, not its cause.

The next time the abuser tells you that the reason he is abusive is something you have done, remind yourself that no one is ever responsible for another person's actions. The next time the abuser tells you that he wouldn't get so angry with you if you would just try harder, remind yourself of how hard you have been trying and how little effect your efforts have had on his actions. And most important, the next time you are lying in bed crying over something the abuser has said or done, remind yourself of who you were before you met him.

I will not allow anyone - especially the abuser - to tell me who I am.

Self-Honesty

If one can actually revert to the truth, then a great deal of one's suffering can be erased - because a great deal of one's suffering is based on sheer lies.

R. D. Laing

Being honest with ourselves is probably the hardest kind of honesty. We lie to ourselves in so many ways: by minimizing the abuse and its effect on us, by making excuses for the abuser's behavior, by telling ourselves that things will get better, hoping that the abuser will change. But you must begin to tell yourself the truth - the whole truth, as they say - and admit that you are being abused, that the abuser is not likely to change without some kind of intervention, and that the only way to solve the problem may be to leave the situation.

The lies we tell ourselves cause us more suffering, not less. They keep us in a situation that is so unhealthy for us that it damages us every day.

Tags: Abuse and Violence