Help! I'm insanely attracted to a married guy at work!

Beachgirl11 · 11-21-2004, 08:51 PM

I started a job about 4 months ago, and there is this guy who is 10 years younger than I am that is very flirtatious. This guy is married, so I must admit it the attention is somewhat flattering because he is so much younger than I am, plus he has already decided who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't think that there is anything wrong with a little harmless flirtation. Most of it is the "goofing" around kind.....pokes in the side, joking around etc. However, some of it has crossed into an area where it has left me a little confused. For instance, the other day, he pinched me on my behind! Also, the other day, he made it clear that he finds me physically attractive because he called me a "hottie" in front of two other guys while I was standing there. However, I also find it a little confusing because he has told me some pretty personal things about himself. And......two days in a row, he ran his fingers down my cheek. (To me that is more of an intimate gesture.......not light flirting).

I have already decided long ago that I would never get involved with someone who is married. There have been a few other cases where married men have hit on me, but I have never responded to them. I have never been married myself, and yet I realize that if I am married someday, I would not want some woman to mess around with my husband. The hurt would be too great. Therefore, I don't have it in me to knowingly do that to another woman.

The problem is, I was not really attracted to the other married men who had made advances toward me. I am really attracted to this guy. I feel connected to him on some level.

He acts like he has a great marriage......I should hope so, he's only been married a year and a half! They don't have any kids yet either.

I guess I'm just confused about what his actions mean. And......I'm wondering if he would take it any further if he had the chance to be alone with me. AGAIN......I would have a very difficult time resisting him, but, I think I could do it. I guess the only thing I could tell him if I was in a situation where he made advances towards me is to tell him to call me if he ever gets divorced, and put a stop to it right then and there.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks........

Francis · 11-21-2004, 09:11 PM

I am sorry to say that the fact that he pinched you means clearly that this guy has ABSOLUTELY no interest in you. I don't think any normal man would do that to a woman he respects, he admires, he wants to have a serious relationship with.

He is simply disrespecting you big time and you are falling in his trap because he is so much younger and probably good looking.

There could be other reasons why he is acting this way : OFFICE POLITICS. If you are his boss or have more power than him, he would want to suck up in a sexual way to obtain material favours. If you are at his same level, he could act this way to destroy you emotionally and prevent you from competing with him. If you are neither of the above, then may just want to use you sexually : he knows you are single and probably he feels you are vulnerable, which you obviously are.

I advice you to stay away from him. He is NOT interested in you whatsoever. Be careful and look for someone who can really love you.

angelicshadow · 11-21-2004, 09:16 PM

Well, I would not say that he has no interest at all, the touching your cheeks is intimate. But all the same stay clear of him.

Francis · 11-21-2004, 09:21 PM

I believe this guy has no SERIOUS interest. He may have an interest, but not a good one. I wish we could get some feedback from some guys here.

angelicshadow · 11-21-2004, 09:30 PM

Yes, a male opinion would be good.

Beachgirl11 · 11-21-2004, 09:36 PM

You were right about a few things. First of all, he is good looking, and I'm sure he knows it. My nickname for him (to my friend, not to his face, is cutie pie flirty guy). And, yes, he does know that I'm single and he probably senses that I'm vulnerable. But, like I said, he has revealed some personal vulnerable things about himself to me when it's just the two of us in the office talking.

Yes, he has admitted that he has slept with "many women", even women hit on him now even though he is married. I honestly don't believe up to this point that he has cheated on his wife......like I said, he's only been married 1 1/2 years. But, he has also admitted to having flings with married women when he was single. He claims he used to have no respect for women, but acts like he does now.

I failed to mention that we are in the same position at work, so no, it is not a power play or office politics. You have to understand his personality to get the "pinch". He is just a playful guy. He is a self-admitted "goofball". I work with 98% guys. Actually, I think he does respect me. The other day he was telling someone that "she's one of the guys". I honestly get the feeling that he's comfortable talking to me.

I hope I have explained the situation a little better.

Recovering_Lover · 11-21-2004, 09:53 PM

I don't know about the respect thing. Becoz, different cultures interpret things differently.

But, I can tell you that he is definitely up to no good. Remember, people will say anything to get you into bed, if thats what their motive is.

He is definitely playing you. I would suggest you keep away from him. Its good to poke fun and all, but he is just slowly increasing the level of intimacy and I am sure, he would try to bed you one day. Its his nature.

Also, you are vunerable, he is telling you everything that you want to hear, so that you lose your inhibitions.

This is my opinion. Don't get sucked up by him. You are only going to get hurt and you're going to hurt the other woman.

You decide if you want to get into a Mess.

Take care.

R.L.

sisterlynch · 11-21-2004, 09:54 PM

I think that you should get him alone and see how he behaves. I would tell him that you have no interest in him other than a friendship and that he is making you uncomfortable with the inappropriate touching.

Other than the touching, flirting with him is ok, but the more you are touched and do nothing, the easier it will be to push it up a level to kissing etc.

Be serious with him and see how he reacts.

Beachgirl11 · 11-21-2004, 10:23 PM

Well, I appreciate the response from Switch187 (guys point of view). But, I agree with Recovering Lover that he is trying to push up the level of intimacy. I have already tried to create a situation for us to be "alone" out of the office to see what he would say or do (sisterlynch's suggestion). At first he was going to meet me, then he backed out. Quite honestly, I think he backed out because he was afraid something would happen. (Like I said, I don't think he's cheated on his wife at this point). But, he still continues pushing the intimate gestures (like I said, the latest thing was running his fingers down my cheek 2 days in a row). I am really curious what he would say or do if he was alone with me outside the office. It would be EXTREMELY difficult because I am attracted to him, but I think I could restrain myself.

The situation would actually be to his advantage if he was thinking about having an affair, because he lives an hour away, and comes to work in the city I live in and work in. Our job has so much flexibility that we spend very little time in the office. (Job is out in the field).

Actually, we do the same thing, however, he now goes in on opposite days that I do. But........he has come in 4 days now that I go in on, and one day I was joking around and said "we're blessed with your presence today!" and he said "you should be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels". This guy was standing there and overheard us and said "he only came in to see you." (the guy who said this has somewhat dry humor).

I don't know!!!!! Everybody's advice and comments are GREATLY appreciated though!

Amethyst · 11-21-2004, 10:36 PM

I'm wondering why it matters to you if he would be willing to take things further. You've already said that you would never go for a married man because you wouldn't want someone to make a play for *your* [future] husband. Are you backtracking on your statement?

It's situations like these that really test what we are made of. If you are really strong in your convictions, then you won't allow this guy to sway you.

My advice? You've admitted that you have a weakness where he's concerned; so, you KNOW that weakness is there. Now, you need to accomodate it. Ever heard the saying "flee from temptation"? Being alone with him is the absolutely WORST thing you could do! I know that you *have* to be around him (because you work together), but you don't *have* to be so friendly with him. If you REALLY don't want this thing to go further, then it's time to act in a more professional manner and treat him as you would any other co-worker. Easier said than done? Yes. But, if you're serious about not wanting to infringe on a marriage, you'll make the effort.

11-21-2004, 08:51 PM	#1
Beachgirl11 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Age: 39 Posts: 8	Help! I'm insanely attracted to a married guy at work! I started a job about 4 months ago, and there is this guy who is 10 years younger than I am that is very flirtatious. This guy is married, so I must admit it the attention is somewhat flattering because he is so much younger than I am, plus he has already decided who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I don't think that there is anything wrong with a little harmless flirtation. Most of it is the "goofing" around kind.....pokes in the side, joking around etc. However, some of it has crossed into an area where it has left me a little confused. For instance, the other day, he pinched me on my behind! Also, the other day, he made it clear that he finds me physically attractive because he called me a "hottie" in front of two other guys while I was standing there. However, I also find it a little confusing because he has told me some pretty personal things about himself. And......two days in a row, he ran his fingers down my cheek. (To me that is more of an intimate gesture.......not light flirting). I have already decided long ago that I would never get involved with someone who is married. There have been a few other cases where married men have hit on me, but I have never responded to them. I have never been married myself, and yet I realize that if I am married someday, I would not want some woman to mess around with my husband. The hurt would be too great. Therefore, I don't have it in me to knowingly do that to another woman. The problem is, I was not really attracted to the other married men who had made advances toward me. I am really attracted to this guy. I feel connected to him on some level. He acts like he has a great marriage......I should hope so, he's only been married a year and a half! They don't have any kids yet either. I guess I'm just confused about what his actions mean. And......I'm wondering if he would take it any further if he had the chance to be alone with me. AGAIN......I would have a very difficult time resisting him, but, I think I could do it. I guess the only thing I could tell him if I was in a situation where he made advances towards me is to tell him to call me if he ever gets divorced, and put a stop to it right then and there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks........

11-21-2004, 09:36 PM	#6
Beachgirl11 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Age: 39 Posts: 8	Thanks for the reply Francis You were right about a few things. First of all, he is good looking, and I'm sure he knows it. My nickname for him (to my friend, not to his face, is cutie pie flirty guy). And, yes, he does know that I'm single and he probably senses that I'm vulnerable. But, like I said, he has revealed some personal vulnerable things about himself to me when it's just the two of us in the office talking. Yes, he has admitted that he has slept with "many women", even women hit on him now even though he is married. I honestly don't believe up to this point that he has cheated on his wife......like I said, he's only been married 1 1/2 years. But, he has also admitted to having flings with married women when he was single. He claims he used to have no respect for women, but acts like he does now. I failed to mention that we are in the same position at work, so no, it is not a power play or office politics. You have to understand his personality to get the "pinch". He is just a playful guy. He is a self-admitted "goofball". I work with 98% guys. Actually, I think he does respect me. The other day he was telling someone that "she's one of the guys". I honestly get the feeling that he's comfortable talking to me. I hope I have explained the situation a little better.

11-21-2004, 09:53 PM	#7
Recovering_Lover Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Singapore Posts: 109	I don't know about the respect thing. Becoz, different cultures interpret things differently. But, I can tell you that he is definitely up to no good. Remember, people will say anything to get you into bed, if thats what their motive is. He is definitely playing you. I would suggest you keep away from him. Its good to poke fun and all, but he is just slowly increasing the level of intimacy and I am sure, he would try to bed you one day. Its his nature. Also, you are vunerable, he is telling you everything that you want to hear, so that you lose your inhibitions. This is my opinion. Don't get sucked up by him. You are only going to get hurt and you're going to hurt the other woman. You decide if you want to get into a Mess. Take care. R.L. __________________ Walk away if you want to, It's ok, if you need to.... Whatever you do....I'll be two steps behind you....Wherever you go...And I'll be there to remind you..That it only takes a minute of your precious time...To turn around and I'll be two steps behind

11-21-2004, 09:54 PM	#8
sisterlynch Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: NorCal Posts: 2,187	older woman I think that you should get him alone and see how he behaves. I would tell him that you have no interest in him other than a friendship and that he is making you uncomfortable with the inappropriate touching. Other than the touching, flirting with him is ok, but the more you are touched and do nothing, the easier it will be to push it up a level to kissing etc. Be serious with him and see how he reacts. __________________ Prepare for tomorrow, not tomorrow, but today.

11-21-2004, 09:11 PM	#2
Francis Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Age: 39 Posts: 310	I am sorry to say that the fact that he pinched you means clearly that this guy has ABSOLUTELY no interest in you. I don't think any normal man would do that to a woman he respects, he admires, he wants to have a serious relationship with. He is simply disrespecting you big time and you are falling in his trap because he is so much younger and probably good looking. There could be other reasons why he is acting this way : OFFICE POLITICS. If you are his boss or have more power than him, he would want to suck up in a sexual way to obtain material favours. If you are at his same level, he could act this way to destroy you emotionally and prevent you from competing with him. If you are neither of the above, then may just want to use you sexually : he knows you are single and probably he feels you are vulnerable, which you obviously are. I advice you to stay away from him. He is NOT interested in you whatsoever. Be careful and look for someone who can really love you.

11-21-2004, 09:16 PM	#3
angelicshadow Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Age: 43 Posts: 45	Well, I would not say that he has no interest at all, the touching your cheeks is intimate. But all the same stay clear of him.

11-21-2004, 09:21 PM	#4
Francis Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Age: 39 Posts: 310	I believe this guy has no SERIOUS interest. He may have an interest, but not a good one. I wish we could get some feedback from some guys here.

11-21-2004, 09:30 PM	#5
angelicshadow Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Age: 43 Posts: 45	Yes, a male opinion would be good.

11-21-2004, 10:23 PM	#9
Beachgirl11 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Age: 39 Posts: 8	Well, I appreciate the response from Switch187 (guys point of view). But, I agree with Recovering Lover that he is trying to push up the level of intimacy. I have already tried to create a situation for us to be "alone" out of the office to see what he would say or do (sisterlynch's suggestion). At first he was going to meet me, then he backed out. Quite honestly, I think he backed out because he was afraid something would happen. (Like I said, I don't think he's cheated on his wife at this point). But, he still continues pushing the intimate gestures (like I said, the latest thing was running his fingers down my cheek 2 days in a row). I am really curious what he would say or do if he was alone with me outside the office. It would be EXTREMELY difficult because I am attracted to him, but I think I could restrain myself. The situation would actually be to his advantage if he was thinking about having an affair, because he lives an hour away, and comes to work in the city I live in and work in. Our job has so much flexibility that we spend very little time in the office. (Job is out in the field). Actually, we do the same thing, however, he now goes in on opposite days that I do. But........he has come in 4 days now that I go in on, and one day I was joking around and said "we're blessed with your presence today!" and he said "you should be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels". This guy was standing there and overheard us and said "he only came in to see you." (the guy who said this has somewhat dry humor). I don't know!!!!! Everybody's advice and comments are GREATLY appreciated though!

11-21-2004, 10:36 PM	#10
Amethyst Offline Join Date: Feb 2004 Age: 31 Posts: 496	I'm wondering why it matters to you if he would be willing to take things further. You've already said that you would never go for a married man because you wouldn't want someone to make a play for your [future] husband. Are you backtracking on your statement? It's situations like these that really test what we are made of. If you are really strong in your convictions, then you won't allow this guy to sway you. My advice? You've admitted that you have a weakness where he's concerned; so, you KNOW that weakness is there. Now, you need to accomodate it. Ever heard the saying "flee from temptation"? Being alone with him is the absolutely WORST thing you could do! I know that you have to be around him (because you work together), but you don't have to be so friendly with him. If you REALLY don't want this thing to go further, then it's time to act in a more professional manner and treat him as you would any other co-worker. Easier said than done? Yes. But, if you're serious about not wanting to infringe on a marriage, you'll make the effort.