UPDATE: Dating a survivor of childhood abuse

rnorth · 11-04-2004, 12:07 PM

Hello,

I have or had been dating a woman who is a survivor of childhood abuse (sexually and physically abused by her adoptive father from age 5-17). I have noticed several quirky tendencies and have often wondered if these can be attributed to her background.

She often pushes away after an episode of feeling close and intimate. She has admitted that she pushes people away when she starts to care about them because she has "abandonment issues".

She is adorable and sweet, and truly lovely person but when she is angry, it is explosive. Almost to the point opf being hateful. I feel like if she is angry with me, she is venting her anger based on all the experiences that she has had in the past and I am the outlet.

She never understands why I care so much and why I am good to her.

She can't handle any intense emotions on my part. I am usually very temperate, but if I show any anger she freaks out.

Currently, we haven't spoken for two weeks. We had an argument over sometime very minor but she absolutely blew up. She basically told me she never wanted to speak to me again. I was never mean to her, just trying to stand up for myself. I had to cancel a visit to see her (long distance) and it was very dissappointing for me. But I am giving her space and will use the excuse of the Holidays to contact her.

Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated. I can give more details as required.

Thanks much.

scaryperson · 11-04-2004, 12:26 PM

This is very much linked to her childhood, she clearly cares about you, but what's happened to her has meant that she is very concerned about others feelings.

She pushes away, and doesn't know why you care for her for obvious reasons, her adoptive father has obviously made her feel used and unloved, and that is a feeling that's hard to shake.

I don't think you should feel remotely disheartened by any of this, she cares for you, you care for her, she probably feels like you don't, try explaining exactly how you feel, if you haven't already.

she is obviously having a hard time right now with the arguements, maybe something came up to remind her of childhood, or maybe it's nothing to do with this.

You should really just talk to her, i'm just offering anything i have, just hope i've helped, good luck with everything!!!

mahlina · 11-04-2004, 12:30 PM

Quote:

She often pushes away after an episode of feeling close and intimate. She has admitted that she pushes people away when she starts to care about them because she has "abandonment issues".

Very true. It's almost a common trait for women of sexual/domestic abuse to go through those stages of push and pull. It mostly has to do with trust issues.

Sounds like you're on the right track so far. That's what she needs: someone with patience, and that's what you've got. So good job on your part. A lot of the times, these women have a hard time finding comfort in a relationship. It's as if they expect their partners to turn out like their abusers, so they will often close off. What's key here is: Communication. Always make sure to communicate problems in your relationship, and do not leave any issues unattended. The more she see's your sincere efforts, the more she will let go, and begin to trust you.

I'm sure that deep down inside, she's a sweet and happy person like you mentioned. Her anger mostly deals with getting scared of getting hurt, over and over, like she did in her past. It's her way of dealing with things, unfortunately, because that's the life that she's been accustomed to for a long time. Another thing: try to get her to go to counseling. If she has an outlet through a counselor, then it might help her out, but afterwards, she still has to work on her problems too. It's not easy, but eventually, she will heal. It's all a matter of her not repressing her emotions too much.

Let her know that you're there for her, if she needs to talk. She'll appreciate your efforts, and will be able to allow you into her heart. Think of her as being someone delicate. I like to use the anaology of a dove. Think of her as a dove who's been tortured in her cage all throughout her life. When someone does care enough to reach in there to help her out, she backs away and huddles into the corner of the cage. The more you show gentleness, the more she will learn to let go, and be able to come closer to you. I know. This might not be the best analogy, but that's how I think of it. You guys can still share a deep and intimate relationship. It's just all a matter of time.

Good LucK to You,
Mahlina

rnorth · 11-04-2004, 12:41 PM

Unfortunately, she basically said "Good bye" to me in very literal terms. I was hurt and am letting her have time and space. She told me not to come out to see her. I became very upset instead of trying to understand what was going on and my insecurities unfortunately only added to the situation.

The last bit of direct communication was when I wrote to her on Thursday, Oct. 21 to let her know that I had cancelled my tickets:

Quote:

Hi...

I hope that you are doing well. I will cancel the ticket today before
11:35 MT(departure time). I apologize for barraging you with emails
last Wednesday. While it would have been nice to see you this weekend,
I wish that I had just respected your first email and agreed to not
come out according to your wishes, if only to show consideration to
what you needed.

I just wanted to let you know. I apologize if this is an intrusion.

She replied rather caustically:

Quote:

Yes ~ please cancel it. I can't believe you've waited this long to do so.

I had sent some photos to her prior to the argument and received the envelope back last weekend dated Oct. 22 with the writing "Return to Sender".

The thing is, I know deep down inside, she is sad about the situation. We had gone through something similar in the past. But I had to make the effort to contact her. Problem is now we are long distance and it is easier for her to run away.

That is why I am waiting until a week before Thanksgiving when I can simply contact her and wish a good one. Let her know I am not upset, but I thinking about her.

Kind of up in the air. I am hopeful and confident we can resume communication and she can know that she trusts me.

lagsalot · 11-04-2004, 01:00 PM

I'm in the same boat rnorth. My girl was raped by her brother in law when she was only 13. To make matters worse her family decided to pretty much just ignore the whole thing and act as if nothing had happened. To this day she is still expected to go to family gatherings and sit across the table from this POS and act as if everything is a-ok.

She acts very much the same way that you described your current situation in your post.

She will push away or seem uninterested for no apparent reason at times. Other times she is loving and caring.

Her anger is extremely explosive, and unfortunatly for me I'm exposed to it every night. We live together, and so I watch her work herself into a frenzy day after day over trivial things ( such as the dogs not listening and such, I mean, dogs will be dogs ). Eventually she will gear her anger towards me. Some nights I will stick to myself and be quiet so that I don't piss her off. Then she will get upset because she thinks that I am mad and ignoring her. Really starts to feel like a no win situation at times.

I try my hardest to get through to her, and let her know that she is getting upset over nothing. Sometimes she stops and listens, sometimes she just can't.

I find though that in my situation, its almost as though she is pushing me away to see if I will come back. Sometimes I think that she wants to show me her ugliest side, and see if I will stick around. Some times this goes to extremes such as physical violence on her part. Though I think the physical abuse stems more from her previous relationship in which she was beat up, and has less to do with her rape.

All of this is trivial to me how ever, as I truely love and care for the her.

For me the hardest thing to deal with is that fact that I have seen no improvement in her behaivior(sp?) over the course of our relationship ( 1 year + ). If I could somehow tell my self, "Hey, last month there was 20 bad fights, this month there was only 19". Then I would feel like things could eventually be better. But things really are not improving for us/her and lately I've been forced to ask my self if I think I can deal with this for the rest of my life.

I guess the only advice I can offer is to stick in there. Be selfless as that is what women like this need. Be loving and understanding and try to see things through their eyes.

On another note, if any body out there has any resourses (books, web) that could help people in our situations, help the people we are with. I would greatly appreciate a heads up.

Soulfully · 11-04-2004, 01:06 PM

Hey mate, I completely feel for you. My recent ex, the woman I've loved and love most in my life, is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by an alcoholic father, and general neglect from both her parents.

Just when things were settling down nicely, and we had developed great emotional intimacy, she suddenly decided to pull away. She dumped me, and even spoke to my parents about it with a "Im really sorry, I am weird", and left with sadness in her face.

Its heartbreaking dude, and Im still trying to come into terms with it...with the idea that I may not see her ever again.

Anyways, havent read your entire thread since Im at work right now so shouldnt really be doing this hehe. So i´ll post later. Just to let u know that I really do feel your pain and worries.

Peace.

rnorth · 11-04-2004, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Her anger is extremely explosive, and unfortunatly for me I'm exposed to it every night.

Wow, that is difficult. In my situation, we have very nice periods, lasting about two weeks, followed by turmoil. I feel that I shouldn't walk on egg shells, but it definitely takes a different sort of communication.

Quote:

I find though that in my situation, its almost as though she is pushing me away to see if I will come back.

But I also feel that there is a part of her waiting to see if I will come back to her, as if she is testing me. All it would talk is the slightest email from my part and she may be back. But it was so hurtful last time that I am afraid to feel that wrath or even worse, indifferent coldness.

My gut feeling is that I will recitfy this with her. But I would like to see her vent her anger or talk about things with a counselor. Its as if I am just an outlet for her.

dirtbubble · 11-04-2004, 01:13 PM

My advice may not be popular here. You sound like a good guy and have great intentions. From personal experience, I predict this woman will continue to test the limits of your emotional endurance, that just when you thought you have finally broken through, she will present a new, more strenuous challenge. Her circumstances are not her fault, true, but she is a victim. If you are not careful, you will be cast in a very undeserved role in her life. She will superimpose those who have hurt her on your person, and strike out at them by striking out at you. That is what I think has happened to you lately. (Let's just say it sounds really familiar.) You will never be able to understand, soothe, or reason with her chaotic and baseless rages.

My advice is to let her go. She cannot maintain a constructive relationship until she has taken personal responsibility for her demons. Yes, she needs someone like you, but she won't stop punishing you for something you didn't do. Most in her position need years of therapy.

rnorth · 11-04-2004, 01:29 PM

Quote:

My advice is to let her go. She cannot maintain a constructive relationship until she has taken personal responsibility for her demons. Yes, she needs someone like you, but she won't stop punishing you for something you didn't do. Most in her position need years of therapy.

This is what my friends, family would advise. And I understand their concern. They are looking at what they see is my best interest. Certainly, I am taking time to reflect. Its just my gut to see this through.

I agree that she needs years of therapy. But I have faith in her to deal with her own issues. She also is very self-aware and knows when her actions are dysfunctional.

mahlina · 11-04-2004, 01:30 PM

In response to Dirtbubble, that is not true. Just because they were sexually/physically abused, doesn't mean that they should be automatically labeled as someone who needs 'long-term' therapy. Some of the survivors actually tried to fight their saddness all throughout those years. They dealt with their pain in the most effective way, by thinking positively. So, it's really unfair to brand them by saying that a lot of them do not think in a healthy manner. It really depends on each person.

Now, in terms of being there for her, sure, it's good. Nothing's wrong with that. If she feels the same about you, then she would treat you with respect, and eventually be able to let go, and be closer to you. However, if the lady just doesn't feel the same about a guy, then yeah, she will consistantly show him disinterest. So to him, she's battering him, when in fact, all she's communicating is: back off! If a woman of sexual abuse truly likes a guy back, then she will show the same interest, as long as she knows that the guy is sincere about her. She won't get as moody. So, do not label her as someone who's dysfunctional. She's just a victim, and it's not her fault for that. She doesn't need to be continually reminded of her pain! That's the last thing that she needs, when all she's ever known in her life is a world of sick people. She would hope that someone is brave enough to prove her wrong, by loving her the right way that she deserves to be loved.

11-04-2004, 12:07 PM	#1
rnorth Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Gender: Male Posts: 375	UPDATE: Dating a survivor of childhood abuse Hello, I have or had been dating a woman who is a survivor of childhood abuse (sexually and physically abused by her adoptive father from age 5-17). I have noticed several quirky tendencies and have often wondered if these can be attributed to her background. She often pushes away after an episode of feeling close and intimate. She has admitted that she pushes people away when she starts to care about them because she has "abandonment issues". She is adorable and sweet, and truly lovely person but when she is angry, it is explosive. Almost to the point opf being hateful. I feel like if she is angry with me, she is venting her anger based on all the experiences that she has had in the past and I am the outlet. She never understands why I care so much and why I am good to her. She can't handle any intense emotions on my part. I am usually very temperate, but if I show any anger she freaks out. Currently, we haven't spoken for two weeks. We had an argument over sometime very minor but she absolutely blew up. She basically told me she never wanted to speak to me again. I was never mean to her, just trying to stand up for myself. I had to cancel a visit to see her (long distance) and it was very dissappointing for me. But I am giving her space and will use the excuse of the Holidays to contact her. Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated. I can give more details as required. Thanks much.

11-04-2004, 12:26 PM	#2
scaryperson Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 22 Posts: 102	This is very much linked to her childhood, she clearly cares about you, but what's happened to her has meant that she is very concerned about others feelings. She pushes away, and doesn't know why you care for her for obvious reasons, her adoptive father has obviously made her feel used and unloved, and that is a feeling that's hard to shake. I don't think you should feel remotely disheartened by any of this, she cares for you, you care for her, she probably feels like you don't, try explaining exactly how you feel, if you haven't already. she is obviously having a hard time right now with the arguements, maybe something came up to remind her of childhood, or maybe it's nothing to do with this. You should really just talk to her, i'm just offering anything i have, just hope i've helped, good luck with everything!!! __________________ My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating Greenday- Boulevard of broken Dreams

11-04-2004, 01:00 PM	#5
lagsalot Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: DFW, TX Age: 32 Posts: 38	I'm in the same boat rnorth. My girl was raped by her brother in law when she was only 13. To make matters worse her family decided to pretty much just ignore the whole thing and act as if nothing had happened. To this day she is still expected to go to family gatherings and sit across the table from this POS and act as if everything is a-ok. She acts very much the same way that you described your current situation in your post. She will push away or seem uninterested for no apparent reason at times. Other times she is loving and caring. Her anger is extremely explosive, and unfortunatly for me I'm exposed to it every night. We live together, and so I watch her work herself into a frenzy day after day over trivial things ( such as the dogs not listening and such, I mean, dogs will be dogs ). Eventually she will gear her anger towards me. Some nights I will stick to myself and be quiet so that I don't piss her off. Then she will get upset because she thinks that I am mad and ignoring her. Really starts to feel like a no win situation at times. I try my hardest to get through to her, and let her know that she is getting upset over nothing. Sometimes she stops and listens, sometimes she just can't. I find though that in my situation, its almost as though she is pushing me away to see if I will come back. Sometimes I think that she wants to show me her ugliest side, and see if I will stick around. Some times this goes to extremes such as physical violence on her part. Though I think the physical abuse stems more from her previous relationship in which she was beat up, and has less to do with her rape. All of this is trivial to me how ever, as I truely love and care for the her. For me the hardest thing to deal with is that fact that I have seen no improvement in her behaivior(sp?) over the course of our relationship ( 1 year + ). If I could somehow tell my self, "Hey, last month there was 20 bad fights, this month there was only 19". Then I would feel like things could eventually be better. But things really are not improving for us/her and lately I've been forced to ask my self if I think I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I guess the only advice I can offer is to stick in there. Be selfless as that is what women like this need. Be loving and understanding and try to see things through their eyes. On another note, if any body out there has any resourses (books, web) that could help people in our situations, help the people we are with. I would greatly appreciate a heads up.

11-04-2004, 01:06 PM	#6
Soulfully Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Spain Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 41	Hey mate, I completely feel for you. My recent ex, the woman I've loved and love most in my life, is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by an alcoholic father, and general neglect from both her parents. Just when things were settling down nicely, and we had developed great emotional intimacy, she suddenly decided to pull away. She dumped me, and even spoke to my parents about it with a "Im really sorry, I am weird", and left with sadness in her face. Its heartbreaking dude, and Im still trying to come into terms with it...with the idea that I may not see her ever again. Anyways, havent read your entire thread since Im at work right now so shouldnt really be doing this hehe. So i´ll post later. Just to let u know that I really do feel your pain and worries. Peace.

11-04-2004, 01:13 PM	#8
dirtbubble Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Gender: None Specified Posts: 76	My advice may not be popular here. You sound like a good guy and have great intentions. From personal experience, I predict this woman will continue to test the limits of your emotional endurance, that just when you thought you have finally broken through, she will present a new, more strenuous challenge. Her circumstances are not her fault, true, but she is a victim. If you are not careful, you will be cast in a very undeserved role in her life. She will superimpose those who have hurt her on your person, and strike out at them by striking out at you. That is what I think has happened to you lately. (Let's just say it sounds really familiar.) You will never be able to understand, soothe, or reason with her chaotic and baseless rages. My advice is to let her go. She cannot maintain a constructive relationship until she has taken personal responsibility for her demons. Yes, she needs someone like you, but she won't stop punishing you for something you didn't do. Most in her position need years of therapy.

11-04-2004, 01:30 PM	#10
mahlina Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: SoCal Posts: 1,091	In response to Dirtbubble, that is not true. Just because they were sexually/physically abused, doesn't mean that they should be automatically labeled as someone who needs 'long-term' therapy. Some of the survivors actually tried to fight their saddness all throughout those years. They dealt with their pain in the most effective way, by thinking positively. So, it's really unfair to brand them by saying that a lot of them do not think in a healthy manner. It really depends on each person. Now, in terms of being there for her, sure, it's good. Nothing's wrong with that. If she feels the same about you, then she would treat you with respect, and eventually be able to let go, and be closer to you. However, if the lady just doesn't feel the same about a guy, then yeah, she will consistantly show him disinterest. So to him, she's battering him, when in fact, all she's communicating is: back off! If a woman of sexual abuse truly likes a guy back, then she will show the same interest, as long as she knows that the guy is sincere about her. She won't get as moody. So, do not label her as someone who's dysfunctional. She's just a victim, and it's not her fault for that. She doesn't need to be continually reminded of her pain! That's the last thing that she needs, when all she's ever known in her life is a world of sick people. She would hope that someone is brave enough to prove her wrong, by loving her the right way that she deserves to be loved.