Am I being unfair???

79August · 09-10-2004, 01:42 AM

I was dating someone for about a month, we had sex but I was on the pill and he pulled out. I just found out that despite these odds I am pregnant...and about this same time he decided that we should just be friends.

Well I finally told him, and he is not happy. He wants me to have an abortion and I want to keep the baby. I've had an abortion in a previous relationship and at that point in my life I felt that was the best option...at this point in my life I feel ready to have a baby. I am financially and emotionally stable, I am 25, I own my own place, I am finished school, I have travelled, I have a career, and I have a very large loving family that would welcome a baby with open arms.

Now this isn't the way that I would choose for things to happen...but they did and I am willing to adapt to the changes. I honestly believe that having the baby would be better for me than to not.

Now the guy on the other hand...he doesn't want the baby at all. I've told him that I don't need any finiancial support what so ever and that if he wants to walk away that I understand. He says that he doesn't want the baby but if I have the baby he would feel obligated to be responsible. But I believe that that is his choice. He is scared and he has every right to be I understand that.

In a situation like this...who wins? What is fair? Do I have an abortion, I suffer and he doesn't. Or do I have the baby and he suffers and I don't.
Putting the child first...I don't doubt that the baby will want for nothing and will be just as loved as any other. So what do I do?

bored · 09-10-2004, 06:07 AM

well would u want to grow up and find out you were a mistake?

its not about who "wins" in this situation..you probably have to talk it over with your family as well

JonnyG · 09-10-2004, 06:15 AM

Do you really want a baby from a man that doesnt want the kid? Do u want a baby to possibly have no father (i.e. if he walks away)? I would understand that he would feel some obligation to looking after the baby if u had it so it will be a big guilt trip for him.

I really think u should think hard about this. Being a single parent bringing up a baby will be tough.

reflex · 09-10-2004, 06:42 AM

i think is good that your thinking of keeping the bady. it will not be easy but there so so many single mums who have keped the child and doing so much better with out the partner.

talk to your family and see what there say? it may beweath talking to your ex's family as they may not no yet.

hope my advice was of any help.

**avman** · 09-10-2004, 08:01 AM

It sounds to me like you've thought this out very well. You want to keep the baby - so keep it. You did the right thing, you told the father and listened to him. Now you should make the choice that you feel is best.

As to whether he "suffers" if you keep the baby - what suffering will he really do? If you are willing to let him walk away and accept no responsbility it sounds like he will not have any change in his life. Now I don't recommend this - I think you should secure some financial support from him. You may feel that you are financially stable right now but you will be raising this child for a long time. Anything can happen over 18 years and its a lot easier to secure support now then it will be if you get into a pinch.

His reaction right now may just be out of fear. Do what you feel is best. He may come around later once he has time to absorb all this.

JonnyG · 09-10-2004, 08:12 AM

Yeah but Avman, he WILL suffer if the baby's born and he doesn't want it, because he will feel probably quite a lot of guilt if he doesnt want a baby and walks away. And if he stays he will have to look after a son/dughter that he doesnt even want (or at least at this time).

Secondly u say secure some financial support off him. Well he might not have the money to be able to raise a kid and therefore thats another reason why he doesnt want to keep the baby.

Its true, out of fear he might not want the baby, and things may change if she goes through with it and has the baby, but this isn't for definite.

hubman01 · 09-10-2004, 09:53 AM

Geez this is a tough one. I cannot imagine being in this position. I would agree with Avman about getting financial support from him. Remember, that this child will know one day that its father did not want them. Your twenty five and your old enough to make your own decision. There really is no one here that can help or make this decision for you.

Do yourself a favor and think it through. Really think about what you want and remember this is a life long commitment. If this guy is still in the picture you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years if not more. My advice is to think about the good and bad of what your doing.

Hubman

**avman** · 09-10-2004, 10:10 AM

Well nobody is forcing him to walk away. These are choices that he has to make. When you have sex, you need to realize that this is a possible outcome. I am not unsympathetic to the fact that he is scared. I can totally understand that. But this is a situation that needs to be dealt with. I think he should get some counseling and support so that he doesn't have to go through this alone.

Also realize that by financial support, I mean guideline child support. Thats a percentage of his income. If he has none, then they don't take anything. This is another area that when you have sex, you also need to understand the ramifications. Yes it may not be a good time for him to incur a financial responsibility. But oh well, the baby is coming. He's going to have to figure it out.

StarBrite · 09-11-2004, 09:56 AM

You know, there are hundreds of single mothers out there who do just fine on their own. So regardless of whether or not the father helps, she seems to feel pretty confident about raising this child. And all i can say is, You Go Girl! I agree with avman, everyone knows the risks of having sex. If you're not mature enough to handle the outcome of becoming pregnant than the simple solution is to not have sex at all. It sounds as though her family would be very supportive and helpful towards the baby which is a major plus, and also the reason i think that the baby would grow up just fine. There are also still some good men out there who would gladly take the place of dad if that would be an option in the future if things don't work out with the babys father. Good luck with everything hun and stay strong! You can do it

ReadyorNot · 09-13-2004, 11:34 PM

If you really want this baby and you feel you are ready then you need to have it!!!! Congrats!!!

I have also had an abortion in the past... I am still with the same guy and it was deffinitly the best choice for us back then.... Even as I say that, I feel sad.. I wish I could have had the baby.... Dont put yourself through that.... You would regret it for the rest of your life...

I know someone who was with a guy for 3 years.... she got pregnant and this wonderful guy she had been with all this time took off two weeks after they found out the wonderful news....

She had the baby and her, the baby and her mom moved..... she is now married to a great guy and he is a father to this 3 year old in every way....They served the biological father with papers to give up all rights to the baby and turns out he is now married with a kid, and his wife had a kid already... LIKE PARDON ME??? This JERK walked away.. didnt pay a cent in child support and now he has a wife and two kids?

Basically what I am trying to say is dont worry about his feelings.. he shouldnt have had sex with you if he didnt want a baby, cause there is always that CHANCE. Take care of yourself and your baby.... he should feel guilty if he walks away.

09-10-2004, 01:42 AM	#1
79August Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 30 Posts: 1	Am I being unfair??? I was dating someone for about a month, we had sex but I was on the pill and he pulled out. I just found out that despite these odds I am pregnant...and about this same time he decided that we should just be friends. Well I finally told him, and he is not happy. He wants me to have an abortion and I want to keep the baby. I've had an abortion in a previous relationship and at that point in my life I felt that was the best option...at this point in my life I feel ready to have a baby. I am financially and emotionally stable, I am 25, I own my own place, I am finished school, I have travelled, I have a career, and I have a very large loving family that would welcome a baby with open arms. Now this isn't the way that I would choose for things to happen...but they did and I am willing to adapt to the changes. I honestly believe that having the baby would be better for me than to not. Now the guy on the other hand...he doesn't want the baby at all. I've told him that I don't need any finiancial support what so ever and that if he wants to walk away that I understand. He says that he doesn't want the baby but if I have the baby he would feel obligated to be responsible. But I believe that that is his choice. He is scared and he has every right to be I understand that. In a situation like this...who wins? What is fair? Do I have an abortion, I suffer and he doesn't. Or do I have the baby and he suffers and I don't. Putting the child first...I don't doubt that the baby will want for nothing and will be just as loved as any other. So what do I do?

09-10-2004, 06:42 AM	#4
reflex Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: uk Age: 28 Posts: 35	i think is good that your thinking of keeping the bady. it will not be easy but there so so many single mums who have keped the child and doing so much better with out the partner. talk to your family and see what there say? it may beweath talking to your ex's family as they may not no yet. hope my advice was of any help. __________________ life is like a roadtrip. you dont now when the next turning will be. you may take the left or the right. the chose is yours.

09-10-2004, 09:53 AM	#7
hubman01 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: next to the diaper bin! lol Gender: Male Age: 37 Posts: 1,630	Geez this is a tough one. I cannot imagine being in this position. I would agree with Avman about getting financial support from him. Remember, that this child will know one day that its father did not want them. Your twenty five and your old enough to make your own decision. There really is no one here that can help or make this decision for you. Do yourself a favor and think it through. Really think about what you want and remember this is a life long commitment. If this guy is still in the picture you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years if not more. My advice is to think about the good and bad of what your doing. Hubman __________________ Cogito, ergo sum -"I think therefore I am" -René Descartes

09-11-2004, 09:56 AM	#9
StarBrite Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: oHIo, USA Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 171	You know, there are hundreds of single mothers out there who do just fine on their own. So regardless of whether or not the father helps, she seems to feel pretty confident about raising this child. And all i can say is, You Go Girl! I agree with avman, everyone knows the risks of having sex. If you're not mature enough to handle the outcome of becoming pregnant than the simple solution is to not have sex at all. It sounds as though her family would be very supportive and helpful towards the baby which is a major plus, and also the reason i think that the baby would grow up just fine. There are also still some good men out there who would gladly take the place of dad if that would be an option in the future if things don't work out with the babys father. Good luck with everything hun and stay strong! You can do it __________________ "Theres only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it" - J.C. Bridge ~Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket never let it fade away~

09-10-2004, 06:07 AM	#2
bored Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Age: 23 Posts: 61	well would u want to grow up and find out you were a mistake? its not about who "wins" in this situation..you probably have to talk it over with your family as well

09-10-2004, 06:15 AM	#3
JonnyG Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: UK Age: 27 Posts: 909	Do you really want a baby from a man that doesnt want the kid? Do u want a baby to possibly have no father (i.e. if he walks away)? I would understand that he would feel some obligation to looking after the baby if u had it so it will be a big guilt trip for him. I really think u should think hard about this. Being a single parent bringing up a baby will be tough.

09-10-2004, 08:01 AM	#5
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	It sounds to me like you've thought this out very well. You want to keep the baby - so keep it. You did the right thing, you told the father and listened to him. Now you should make the choice that you feel is best. As to whether he "suffers" if you keep the baby - what suffering will he really do? If you are willing to let him walk away and accept no responsbility it sounds like he will not have any change in his life. Now I don't recommend this - I think you should secure some financial support from him. You may feel that you are financially stable right now but you will be raising this child for a long time. Anything can happen over 18 years and its a lot easier to secure support now then it will be if you get into a pinch. His reaction right now may just be out of fear. Do what you feel is best. He may come around later once he has time to absorb all this.

09-10-2004, 08:12 AM	#6
JonnyG Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: UK Age: 27 Posts: 909	Yeah but Avman, he WILL suffer if the baby's born and he doesn't want it, because he will feel probably quite a lot of guilt if he doesnt want a baby and walks away. And if he stays he will have to look after a son/dughter that he doesnt even want (or at least at this time). Secondly u say secure some financial support off him. Well he might not have the money to be able to raise a kid and therefore thats another reason why he doesnt want to keep the baby. Its true, out of fear he might not want the baby, and things may change if she goes through with it and has the baby, but this isn't for definite.

09-10-2004, 10:10 AM	#8
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	Well nobody is forcing him to walk away. These are choices that he has to make. When you have sex, you need to realize that this is a possible outcome. I am not unsympathetic to the fact that he is scared. I can totally understand that. But this is a situation that needs to be dealt with. I think he should get some counseling and support so that he doesn't have to go through this alone. Also realize that by financial support, I mean guideline child support. Thats a percentage of his income. If he has none, then they don't take anything. This is another area that when you have sex, you also need to understand the ramifications. Yes it may not be a good time for him to incur a financial responsibility. But oh well, the baby is coming. He's going to have to figure it out.

09-13-2004, 11:34 PM	#10
ReadyorNot Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 956	If you really want this baby and you feel you are ready then you need to have it!!!! Congrats!!! I have also had an abortion in the past... I am still with the same guy and it was deffinitly the best choice for us back then.... Even as I say that, I feel sad.. I wish I could have had the baby.... Dont put yourself through that.... You would regret it for the rest of your life... I know someone who was with a guy for 3 years.... she got pregnant and this wonderful guy she had been with all this time took off two weeks after they found out the wonderful news.... She had the baby and her, the baby and her mom moved..... she is now married to a great guy and he is a father to this 3 year old in every way....They served the biological father with papers to give up all rights to the baby and turns out he is now married with a kid, and his wife had a kid already... LIKE PARDON ME??? This JERK walked away.. didnt pay a cent in child support and now he has a wife and two kids? Basically what I am trying to say is dont worry about his feelings.. he shouldnt have had sex with you if he didnt want a baby, cause there is always that CHANCE. Take care of yourself and your baby.... he should feel guilty if he walks away.