I want to hate my father

[MissJBug]

My father was never there. I dont think he even knows my middle name. He was diagnosed with Hepatitis C 4 years ago. Come to find out that he had it for 25 years. And hes like a little child now. He goes to the bathroom on the television, he cant dial the phone, he cant even eat right without shaking. Hes like a 4 year old boy. Its ashame when I see him this way, but also I just cant seem to care as much as I use to. He use to cheat on my mother all of the time. Come home drunk, and his obsession over money is rediculous. We are stuggling with bying him the pills for his disease, and he goes out and buys a $16,000.00 harley motorcycle, that he cant even drive. It just sits there, just like his new truck.

My mother said something to me the other day... that would change my feelings for my father forever. She told me "jessica, I have to tell you this now because, when your father dies (she said WHEN, not IF) you might be confused at his funeral"... and i said "ok tell me" and she said "your father also has 2 other children from 2 different women, he had cheated on me and ...." blah blah blah.

I didnt even think about anything else besides "where are these kids" and my mom told me "he doesnt want nothing to do with them, I try telling him that he should talk to them, but he ignores them, Those calls that we get and we answer and the person hangs up... its his kids. He acts like he has no kids besides you"

I am ANGRY, I AM FURIOUS... the worste thing is when he gets mad he says "WHen i get this liver transplant I cant wait to leave this house"

Hes only still with us because hes sick. And my moms only with him because If she leaves HE WILL DIE because he cant take care of himself. And she thinks her vowels are important in there marrage (sickness and health)... I dont know.... I just dont KNOW ANYMORE!

I HATE HIM. I HATE THIS FAMILY. I CANT DO ANYTHING TO GET MY MOM TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE, shes always HAD a bad life since childhood, WHY DOES it have to be US!

[AzurePhoenix]

Sorry you are going through this nightmarish time in your life.

My belief, and this is strictly my opinion, is that we all have lessons to learn and hills to climb in our lives. I have never met a single person that completely "had it easy". Everyone has something terrible to deal with at some time in their life.

Some of us face bad situations, terrible choices, and tragic circumstances. It is the worst part of life. We all feel helpless to do anything and sometimes fate seems very unkind and unfair.

I can understand your anger, your confusion and your frustration. I know that you feel betrayed, on many levels and you have been betrayed.

I will tell you what I tell my own kids:

There are two big lessons we all have to learn in life. The first is that we have to be responsible for the consequences of our actions. This is a hard lesson and many people never learn it and cause untold misery to other people that touch their lives. Your father clearly never learned this lesson.... and you and your mother are suffering from his choices.

The second lesson that we have to learn is how to live with loss. We lose important people and relationships in our life all of the time. They may be lovers, friends, husbands, wives, children, mothers, fahters, aunts and uncles or grandparents. We are connected to other folks and they are, for better or worse part of our lives. You are suffering as you have lost a relationship.. an important relationship.. that with your father as he has not been there for you in a way that you need, and literaly you are facing losing him in death. This is sort of a double whammy so to speak.

I feel for you...

~AzurePhoenix

[i_hate_the_world47]

i am sorry to hear about your situation.I know you are angry at your dad but he needs you right now.I know how you feel b/c my dad is never there for me.and i hate him yet deep down i love him because he is the only father i have.Good luck and i am here to talk if you wanna PM me.

~Meagan~