He changed 5 years for 5 weeks, and I am dying

kalobaby · 08-05-2004, 07:26 PM

Hi!! I had previously posted a note about three months ago, well I am going to be as short as I can to explain what is going on. I was going out with this guy who is almos 20 years older than me, and that is not the worst thing he's married

Well we went through so much together, and to be honest in my mind I thought he was the man of my life and I always tought and hoped that we were going to end up together one way or another. In the past year we had a lot of arguments, and we had been going back and forth with this idea of stopping seeing each other until we could see each other freely. At first I agreed so we stopped seeing each other for about a week or so, and then we started seeing each other again. Well another two or three months went by and the same thing happend we decided we were going to stop one more time and two weeks later we were back together. The last time this happen was about a month ago, after arguing he said that this time was going to be for reals, but he came back one more time, and this time it was really crazy, we had so much fun for almost two weeks, we spend my b-day together and then three days later he came into my office on Monday to tell me that this time we really need to put a hold in our relationship and I said I do not want to do it this time, but regardless he left me here crying and he left. I tried to call him on his cell phone but of course he neve answer. So this morning I find out that he left to South America with his WIFE, and kids for 5 week. I did not know, he never mentioned any trips, I know he was just lying to me, with this "we have to wait". I am broken hearted, my first reaction anger, I felt that I hate him so much for being such big lier, I wanted to take revange. But I still love him, I need to stop having this lovy dovy feelings for him and get strong so when he comes back I can have a cold heart and tell him to go away. Any ideas. Please also give me some advise, I feel so bad, I gave my self to the wrong guy, and I feel awfully used.

hurtbylove · 08-05-2004, 07:40 PM

Unless he is willing end his marriage over this.. which I don't agree with if kids are involved, you really need to put an end to this.

It's not healthy for anyone, especially as it's dragging on like this. Everyone is being hurt. His wife and kids are being lied to, and you are in a bad situation.

He's having his cake and eating it to. It's not fair to you either. At all.

Don't you feel like you deserve full commitment from someone? Aren't you worth that? He doesn't think you are worth giving up anything for.

I know this will hurt, but you are young, you will find someone else who's situation is less complicated.

You will need to be the one that puts your foot down, even if it hurts. In the long run you will see this is best. Put your foot down and don't see him anymore. This will be a very painful process.

This affair needs to end now.

kalobaby · 08-05-2004, 08:38 PM

I have been trying not to think about him, but everyting reminds me of him, I do not want to cry anymore because I know he's so not worth it. I am having a huge internal conflict my mind is telling me to take revange and to make him pay for every single one of my tears, but then on the other side my heart tells me that he has a very good reason for not telling me that he was going to that trip. I need to do something I really do not want to end up back with him, but I love him so much that I feel that when he calls me I am going to run to him. Please help me, I need to stop this agony, and I need to stop loving him. Is hate the answer? What do I do?

hurtbylove · 08-05-2004, 10:35 PM

No, hate is not the answer.

When my ex broke up with me, I had to make the same decision. To hate her or let it go. Forgive, but not forget.

Letting go is the harder path, but in the end it is the better choice. Hate for that person will consume you, and in the end damages you. It's an unhealthy emotion. You will feel better in the short term, but in the end you have to let go of hate before you can move on.

You might want to make it clear to him what you are doing, and tell him not to call. If he respects you, he should also respect your decisions. Break away from him, it really is what is best for everyone I think.

He should know that you should be left alone. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but you have the power to tear apart his marriage... If you had told his wife, everything would go to pieces. That is the consequences of his actions. He should know this already.

Take this relationship as a good lesson learned. There were both good and bad things that you learned. Try not to regret anything you have done.. because it makes you who you are today. I highly recommend taking the higher ground and just walking away, not matter how difficult. Tell him to leave you alone.

kalobaby · 08-06-2004, 07:04 PM

It's been three days since he left, and whenever I am alone all I do is cry. My eyes are so puffy that I look like Sherk, now. I mis him so much, and at the same time I feel so betrayed. I do not understand why he would do something like that to me, when he came to my office and told me that he loved me and that he did not want to loose me. I am seriously going crazy, I do not know how I am going to survive the next 4 weeks all I do is think about him, and here at work everything reminds me of him, everything. I am so

and sad, and confused, and I am going nuts, I need to let go but I do not how. I need to stop feeling this way, 'cause I am getting very depress, and I do not want that. How do you stop loving someone you gave your all to? How do you forget that First love?

OverParanoid · 08-07-2004, 05:34 AM

When I was About 22 I Was Dating a Co-worker who was married well engaged to be married. Anyway he kept telling me how things are gonna be all he had to do was get out of the situation his in - after a year had past and still no effort. I eventually gave up and told him I just wanted to be friends. People who are married almost always stays with the wife. They are just looking for a good time and thats it. No strings attatched noone gets hurt ! BULL!! Lose the zero and get with a hero..good luck!

Luciana · 08-16-2004, 01:59 PM

You are young, naive and you don't write well, making me believe you don't have too much inside your head.

Do you really think a married man with kids and much older than you would leave his family to be with a floozy? Grow up!
Go find yourself a guy your age to start with. Did you have a father figure growing up?
What you are doing is immoral. And what he is doing too, but that is his problem, his conscience and his marriage he is risking).

If you were married, would you like your husband to have affairs with co-workers too?

And you know what's most sad? If you did succeed in marrying this man you would drop him like a dead mouse after a few years. After the attraction had worn off, after you felt him too old for you, after you got bored to death with him.

So don't be a family wrecker. Go play some hockey or climb some mountain to get this foolishness out of your system. Do not every contact this person again and run a way from him. If he comes back for more booty (that's all he wants from you dear: young booty) go and TELL HIS WIFE.

sphtn · 08-21-2004, 04:04 PM

I just want you to think about something. If he is cheating on his WIFE... with YOU... why wouldn't he cheat on YOU with someone else should you end up together?

People shouldn't have sex or "date" or "talk dirty" or whatever... to a married person.... man or woman...

If I had been dating someone that was married... for a long time... I mean... I loved her/him more than anything... and he says he loves me too... BUT she/he is CHEATING and LYING to the spouse that they MARRIED... that they told them they loved... forever and ever....
If I thought about it that way... I would probably (even thou it would be the most painful things that I ever experienced) but I would have to end it with the married person... and either... take a month off dating... and do something for myself... something I wanted to learn how to do... or make... or cook... or you know... something to make me feel good...

Then... start dating... maybe even try the eharmony type dating service... and see if I could find someone that had my same wants and was in to the same things I liked... oh... AND IS SINGLE!!!!

Keep that chin up... it's all part of life!

Shawn

kalobaby · 08-21-2004, 07:47 PM

I know that the reason why I am in this situation was because I made the choice to go out with a "married" man. I know that was my biggest mistake, and to be honest it was not planned at all. When all this started I was very confused all I wanted was to talk to someone and he came along, and one thing led to the other until almos 5 years past. As I said we have gone through so much, and since this was my very first "serious" relationship, I gave my all, I am a very dedicated person, that always gives her 100% to everything, and this man was not the exception. I gave my all to him, and I gave it all up for him. It has been three weeks since he left and everysingle day that has passed I have been gettign ready to end this for when he comes back. I know I was wrong and I caused a lot of pain (his wife, his kids, my parents) defendign what I tought was REAL LOVE, but now I am suffering like I never had, and I guess that is part of my punishment for being such a selfish person for so many years. This is hurting like hell, and I know it will hurt for a very long time, but I am gettign ready to get out.

LonelyGirl · 08-30-2004, 02:35 PM

Never get involved with a married person or someone who is in a relationship. Why would you want to put yourself through that? Why would you want to inflict pain on others (i.e. their family, etc.)?

08-05-2004, 07:26 PM	#1
kalobaby Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: LA, California Posts: 22	He changed 5 years for 5 weeks, and I am dying Hi!! I had previously posted a note about three months ago, well I am going to be as short as I can to explain what is going on. I was going out with this guy who is almos 20 years older than me, and that is not the worst thing he's married Well we went through so much together, and to be honest in my mind I thought he was the man of my life and I always tought and hoped that we were going to end up together one way or another. In the past year we had a lot of arguments, and we had been going back and forth with this idea of stopping seeing each other until we could see each other freely. At first I agreed so we stopped seeing each other for about a week or so, and then we started seeing each other again. Well another two or three months went by and the same thing happend we decided we were going to stop one more time and two weeks later we were back together. The last time this happen was about a month ago, after arguing he said that this time was going to be for reals, but he came back one more time, and this time it was really crazy, we had so much fun for almost two weeks, we spend my b-day together and then three days later he came into my office on Monday to tell me that this time we really need to put a hold in our relationship and I said I do not want to do it this time, but regardless he left me here crying and he left. I tried to call him on his cell phone but of course he neve answer. So this morning I find out that he left to South America with his WIFE, and kids for 5 week. I did not know, he never mentioned any trips, I know he was just lying to me, with this "we have to wait". I am broken hearted, my first reaction anger, I felt that I hate him so much for being such big lier, I wanted to take revange. But I still love him, I need to stop having this lovy dovy feelings for him and get strong so when he comes back I can have a cold heart and tell him to go away. Any ideas. Please also give me some advise, I feel so bad, I gave my self to the wrong guy, and I feel awfully used. __________________ I believe in true love, but is that real?

08-05-2004, 08:38 PM	#3
kalobaby Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: LA, California Posts: 22	Should I do something besides not seeing him! I am reallysad I have been trying not to think about him, but everyting reminds me of him, I do not want to cry anymore because I know he's so not worth it. I am having a huge internal conflict my mind is telling me to take revange and to make him pay for every single one of my tears, but then on the other side my heart tells me that he has a very good reason for not telling me that he was going to that trip. I need to do something I really do not want to end up back with him, but I love him so much that I feel that when he calls me I am going to run to him. Please help me, I need to stop this agony, and I need to stop loving him. Is hate the answer? What do I do? __________________ I believe in true love, but is that real?

08-06-2004, 07:04 PM	#5
kalobaby Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: LA, California Posts: 22	It's been 3 days, and all I do is cry It's been three days since he left, and whenever I am alone all I do is cry. My eyes are so puffy that I look like Sherk, now. I mis him so much, and at the same time I feel so betrayed. I do not understand why he would do something like that to me, when he came to my office and told me that he loved me and that he did not want to loose me. I am seriously going crazy, I do not know how I am going to survive the next 4 weeks all I do is think about him, and here at work everything reminds me of him, everything. I am so and sad, and confused, and I am going nuts, I need to let go but I do not how. I need to stop feeling this way, 'cause I am getting very depress, and I do not want that. How do you stop loving someone you gave your all to? How do you forget that First love? __________________ I believe in true love, but is that real?

08-07-2004, 05:34 AM	#6
OverParanoid Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Hawaii Gender: Female Age: 34 Posts: 83	When I was About 22 I Was Dating a Co-worker who was married well engaged to be married. Anyway he kept telling me how things are gonna be all he had to do was get out of the situation his in - after a year had past and still no effort. I eventually gave up and told him I just wanted to be friends. People who are married almost always stays with the wife. They are just looking for a good time and thats it. No strings attatched noone gets hurt ! BULL!! Lose the zero and get with a hero..good luck! __________________ "Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact."

08-16-2004, 01:59 PM	#7
Luciana Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Mid-Atlantic Posts: 488	You are doing something wrong! You are young, naive and you don't write well, making me believe you don't have too much inside your head. Do you really think a married man with kids and much older than you would leave his family to be with a floozy? Grow up! Go find yourself a guy your age to start with. Did you have a father figure growing up? What you are doing is immoral. And what he is doing too, but that is his problem, his conscience and his marriage he is risking). If you were married, would you like your husband to have affairs with co-workers too? And you know what's most sad? If you did succeed in marrying this man you would drop him like a dead mouse after a few years. After the attraction had worn off, after you felt him too old for you, after you got bored to death with him. So don't be a family wrecker. Go play some hockey or climb some mountain to get this foolishness out of your system. Do not every contact this person again and run a way from him. If he comes back for more booty (that's all he wants from you dear: young booty) go and TELL HIS WIFE.

08-05-2004, 07:40 PM	#2
hurtbylove Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 233	Unless he is willing end his marriage over this.. which I don't agree with if kids are involved, you really need to put an end to this. It's not healthy for anyone, especially as it's dragging on like this. Everyone is being hurt. His wife and kids are being lied to, and you are in a bad situation. He's having his cake and eating it to. It's not fair to you either. At all. Don't you feel like you deserve full commitment from someone? Aren't you worth that? He doesn't think you are worth giving up anything for. I know this will hurt, but you are young, you will find someone else who's situation is less complicated. You will need to be the one that puts your foot down, even if it hurts. In the long run you will see this is best. Put your foot down and don't see him anymore. This will be a very painful process. This affair needs to end now.

08-05-2004, 10:35 PM	#4
hurtbylove Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 233	No, hate is not the answer. When my ex broke up with me, I had to make the same decision. To hate her or let it go. Forgive, but not forget. Letting go is the harder path, but in the end it is the better choice. Hate for that person will consume you, and in the end damages you. It's an unhealthy emotion. You will feel better in the short term, but in the end you have to let go of hate before you can move on. You might want to make it clear to him what you are doing, and tell him not to call. If he respects you, he should also respect your decisions. Break away from him, it really is what is best for everyone I think. He should know that you should be left alone. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but you have the power to tear apart his marriage... If you had told his wife, everything would go to pieces. That is the consequences of his actions. He should know this already. Take this relationship as a good lesson learned. There were both good and bad things that you learned. Try not to regret anything you have done.. because it makes you who you are today. I highly recommend taking the higher ground and just walking away, not matter how difficult. Tell him to leave you alone.

08-21-2004, 04:04 PM	#8
sphtn Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Nashville, TN Posts: 13	He's MARRIED I just want you to think about something. If he is cheating on his WIFE... with YOU... why wouldn't he cheat on YOU with someone else should you end up together? People shouldn't have sex or "date" or "talk dirty" or whatever... to a married person.... man or woman... If I had been dating someone that was married... for a long time... I mean... I loved her/him more than anything... and he says he loves me too... BUT she/he is CHEATING and LYING to the spouse that they MARRIED... that they told them they loved... forever and ever.... If I thought about it that way... I would probably (even thou it would be the most painful things that I ever experienced) but I would have to end it with the married person... and either... take a month off dating... and do something for myself... something I wanted to learn how to do... or make... or cook... or you know... something to make me feel good... Then... start dating... maybe even try the eharmony type dating service... and see if I could find someone that had my same wants and was in to the same things I liked... oh... AND IS SINGLE!!!! Keep that chin up... it's all part of life! Shawn

08-21-2004, 07:47 PM	#9
kalobaby Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: LA, California Posts: 22	I knew, I know he was!!! I know that the reason why I am in this situation was because I made the choice to go out with a "married" man. I know that was my biggest mistake, and to be honest it was not planned at all. When all this started I was very confused all I wanted was to talk to someone and he came along, and one thing led to the other until almos 5 years past. As I said we have gone through so much, and since this was my very first "serious" relationship, I gave my all, I am a very dedicated person, that always gives her 100% to everything, and this man was not the exception. I gave my all to him, and I gave it all up for him. It has been three weeks since he left and everysingle day that has passed I have been gettign ready to end this for when he comes back. I know I was wrong and I caused a lot of pain (his wife, his kids, my parents) defendign what I tought was REAL LOVE, but now I am suffering like I never had, and I guess that is part of my punishment for being such a selfish person for so many years. This is hurting like hell, and I know it will hurt for a very long time, but I am gettign ready to get out. __________________ I believe in true love, but is that real?

08-30-2004, 02:35 PM	#10
LonelyGirl Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Connecticut Posts: 50	Never get involved with a married person or someone who is in a relationship. Why would you want to put yourself through that? Why would you want to inflict pain on others (i.e. their family, etc.)?