Saw My Ex. I Lied and Now I'm More Depressed

skynet74 · 07-21-2004, 12:08 PM

My Ex came by to get her mail this morning. Surprised me since she usually gets it at night. Actually woke me up when she knocked at the door. But I guess she decided she would rather get it this morning than after work. So that's fine. I slipped a change of address form in with her mail. She asked if I put it there and then I kindly responded, Yes.... it would probably be a good idea to use it.

We talked for about 10 minutes. We were very amicable towards one another. I acted happy and told a funny story too. I gave her a hug and was not pushed away like I was two weeks ago. (Guess that No Contact did some good). I put on my game face and tried to be the same guy she first fell for 10 years ago. I think I did well.

Problem was that she ended up telling me she was seeing two guys. I on the other hand haven't seen ANYBODY! I've been so busy holding out hope for us that I haven't been actively pursuing a relationship. But when she told me about these two other guys I felt at a severe disadvantage. I did not want her to think that I was still pining over her. So I told her that I met a girl on Match.com and she was my new girlfriend. I didn't want to lie.... but I really felt I needed to level the playing field. I've been alone for many months while she has continued to date others. Me waiting for her has had Zero success. I figured that if she felt I'm actually moving on without her that she will stop and think about what she lost.

But after she left I felt overwheming Sadness. I don't know if it's just from seeing her or if it's because I now know she continues to Date others. I'm really not suprised...... but just hearing it makes it feel like another stake thru my heart! I'm feeling pretty down right now.

Should I have not lied about the girl? Should I continue not to call her or should I remain in contact and build off the nice guy she saw today?
Advice please.

John

MissJBug · 07-21-2004, 12:18 PM

Seeing that you truely do love her (still). Im the kind of person that wouldnt go and play little relationship breakup games. I would tell her "I lied to you about seeing someone, I actually did that because I thought there was some hope that maybe you and I could get back together, I still want to be with you"... Maybe shes lying about the 2 men also, because she didnt want to hear how YOU moved on and how shes stuck. (the same way you thought)

DopeStar · 07-21-2004, 12:22 PM

I wouldn't call her....

You have planted a seed and now you just need to see if it will grow. Give it some time to sink in that you are moving on, or acting like you are atleast.

Between the change of address form and the other girl story, I think you may have shown her something she didn't want to see. I mean why would she keep letting her mail go there, for months you said, without having some interest in you even if it is small. You just cut her string and now your free and that may get her worried.

Good luck

d346 · 07-21-2004, 12:22 PM

ok,
so it sounds like she is doing what she said she wanted to do -be out there and date others. It hurts and it sucks, so I think it's all the more reason to continue to not call her. Obviously right now she doesn't want to get back together, so you need to do NC for your own sanity. If you really want to get back together, just keep time in perspective. you dated for 10 years, so maybe she needs a year to figure things out. Seems like a long time, but in proportion to the length of time you were together, maybe not.

As for the lie, don't fuss over it. It just came out. It's ok. I just think in order to keep your dignity (you don't want to look like a fool, if you elaborate more and get caught), just don't mention it anymore -and if she mentions it again, and just say "it didn't work out" no details. You could probably even say "I wasn't ready" Because honestly, it makes you look responsible, not rushing into anything new too quickly.

Hang in there. I guess NC will now serve you better as a time to move on and gain your strength rather than win her back. But you never know what will happen as a result, down the road.

deebee · 07-21-2004, 12:31 PM

I think the white lie was OK in the circumstances. I think she may have been point-scoring by telling you about her two dates. At best, it was insensitive.

My interpretation would be that she is moving on, so the NC should continue.

ReneinDC · 07-21-2004, 12:46 PM

I know exactly how you feel because I did the same thing when I broke up the first time.. I made him "think" I was seeing someone when I wasn't but you know what.. it was a good thing to do under the circumstances. Sometimes we have to do unconventional things to get over hurt so I wouldn't feel bad about the white lie at all.. I think it will help you in the long run. The more nonchalant I acted towards him the more it drove him nuts and it's working again this time only I dont want him back.

It will be ok you'll see ((hug))

CherryGrl · 07-21-2004, 12:51 PM

Hi John,
I can see why you might feel bad about lying and maybe that was not the best thing to do, but I sure do understand the feeling of wanting to level the playing field a bit!

Now that you've told her this story, you might just want to give things a bit of time and see how it affects her. Could be that if she still has feelings for you, she will be bothered by the idea that you might be seeing someone else and it WILL make her think about the nice guy she is letting get away.

If this woman did not want to keep in touch, seems to me she would have changed the address on all her mail already. I know if I did not want to see a guy anymore, that is one of the first things I would have done. I would not continue to come by his house to pick up my mail.

You pretty much know you are going to see her again, since she'll be by to get her mail again, right? So maybe between now and then it would be a good idea to not contact her, remain cool, and see how she acts toward you the next time she comes by.

Mun · 07-21-2004, 01:03 PM

Hi,
Wow I can see why you lied and I think alot of guys would do what you did.

I was on the receiving end ( or was it giving?) of this type of lie. I told him I was moving on to someone else. He told me he was already in a relationship (thinking I had someone in mind-I didn't). I continued to be single ( dating here and there) While he told mutual friends that he was not happy but content with his relationship. I don't think he knew how to get out of it.

It's like a big hole you just keep digging yourself in deeper.

I wouldn't mention it anymore. It's really none of her business who you are or aren't dating. If she asks then you have to wonder-- Why does she want to know?

Remember: Where there once were flames--ashes remain

skynet74 · 07-21-2004, 01:22 PM

Thanks for all the great advice. I Love this Place! Yeah..... I am feeling less and less guilty about the little white lie. I'm beginning to think that the sadness I felt had more to do with seeing her than lying to her. I did plant that seed and now she's going to sit and think about it. (which I feel is a good thing). I'm going to play it cool and not mention it again. I'm also not going to call her either. Let it appear that I've really moved on. This is probably the stage where she'll start second guessing her decision. I guess it's really not a bad position for me to be in right now.

Thanks again everyone!

John

Beec · 07-21-2004, 01:34 PM

hhhmmm, not so sure I like the lie, but then again it is not the biggest deal in the world.

I would recommend acting like anything she says like this has no affect on you. No reaction whatsoever postive or negative.

I would also think that your reacting so quickly to her saying this would also indicate that it is best to stay away at this time. If you want to get her back creating contact when you are going to react is going to result in you defeating your purpose. So, I would prescribe a little more NC for now.

I'd also tell you to go get one of those match.com dates. It will help all the way around.

07-21-2004, 12:08 PM	#1
skynet74 Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Rhode Island USA Gender: Male Age: 41 Posts: 220	Saw My Ex. I Lied and Now I'm More Depressed My Ex came by to get her mail this morning. Surprised me since she usually gets it at night. Actually woke me up when she knocked at the door. But I guess she decided she would rather get it this morning than after work. So that's fine. I slipped a change of address form in with her mail. She asked if I put it there and then I kindly responded, Yes.... it would probably be a good idea to use it. We talked for about 10 minutes. We were very amicable towards one another. I acted happy and told a funny story too. I gave her a hug and was not pushed away like I was two weeks ago. (Guess that No Contact did some good). I put on my game face and tried to be the same guy she first fell for 10 years ago. I think I did well. Problem was that she ended up telling me she was seeing two guys. I on the other hand haven't seen ANYBODY! I've been so busy holding out hope for us that I haven't been actively pursuing a relationship. But when she told me about these two other guys I felt at a severe disadvantage. I did not want her to think that I was still pining over her. So I told her that I met a girl on Match.com and she was my new girlfriend. I didn't want to lie.... but I really felt I needed to level the playing field. I've been alone for many months while she has continued to date others. Me waiting for her has had Zero success. I figured that if she felt I'm actually moving on without her that she will stop and think about what she lost. But after she left I felt overwheming Sadness. I don't know if it's just from seeing her or if it's because I now know she continues to Date others. I'm really not suprised...... but just hearing it makes it feel like another stake thru my heart! I'm feeling pretty down right now. Should I have not lied about the girl? Should I continue not to call her or should I remain in contact and build off the nice guy she saw today? Advice please. John

07-21-2004, 12:22 PM	#3
DopeStar Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Staring out into space.... Pondering life Posts: 293	I wouldn't call her.... You have planted a seed and now you just need to see if it will grow. Give it some time to sink in that you are moving on, or acting like you are atleast. Between the change of address form and the other girl story, I think you may have shown her something she didn't want to see. I mean why would she keep letting her mail go there, for months you said, without having some interest in you even if it is small. You just cut her string and now your free and that may get her worried. Good luck __________________ You might say, "But...but...I'm so nice! I'm a nice guy!" Guess what? That's like a fat chick saying, "But I'm so smart!" As if those things have anything in the world to do with sexual attraction! Remember that women are competing against you in everything nowadays, so chivalry is dead.

07-21-2004, 01:03 PM	#8
Mun Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Way down South! Gender: Female Age: 41 Posts: 4,194	Hi, Wow I can see why you lied and I think alot of guys would do what you did. I was on the receiving end ( or was it giving?) of this type of lie. I told him I was moving on to someone else. He told me he was already in a relationship (thinking I had someone in mind-I didn't). I continued to be single ( dating here and there) While he told mutual friends that he was not happy but content with his relationship. I don't think he knew how to get out of it. It's like a big hole you just keep digging yourself in deeper. I wouldn't mention it anymore. It's really none of her business who you are or aren't dating. If she asks then you have to wonder-- Why does she want to know? Remember: Where there once were flames--ashes remain __________________ Ecclesiastes 3:1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

07-21-2004, 12:18 PM	#2
MissJBug Offline Join Date: Sep 2003 Gender: None Specified Age: 29 Posts: 112	Seeing that you truely do love her (still). Im the kind of person that wouldnt go and play little relationship breakup games. I would tell her "I lied to you about seeing someone, I actually did that because I thought there was some hope that maybe you and I could get back together, I still want to be with you"... Maybe shes lying about the 2 men also, because she didnt want to hear how YOU moved on and how shes stuck. (the same way you thought)

07-21-2004, 12:22 PM	#4
d346 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Age: 32 Posts: 134	ok, so it sounds like she is doing what she said she wanted to do -be out there and date others. It hurts and it sucks, so I think it's all the more reason to continue to not call her. Obviously right now she doesn't want to get back together, so you need to do NC for your own sanity. If you really want to get back together, just keep time in perspective. you dated for 10 years, so maybe she needs a year to figure things out. Seems like a long time, but in proportion to the length of time you were together, maybe not. As for the lie, don't fuss over it. It just came out. It's ok. I just think in order to keep your dignity (you don't want to look like a fool, if you elaborate more and get caught), just don't mention it anymore -and if she mentions it again, and just say "it didn't work out" no details. You could probably even say "I wasn't ready" Because honestly, it makes you look responsible, not rushing into anything new too quickly. Hang in there. I guess NC will now serve you better as a time to move on and gain your strength rather than win her back. But you never know what will happen as a result, down the road.

07-21-2004, 12:31 PM	#5
deebee Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: UK Gender: Male Age: 39 Posts: 81	I think the white lie was OK in the circumstances. I think she may have been point-scoring by telling you about her two dates. At best, it was insensitive. My interpretation would be that she is moving on, so the NC should continue.

07-21-2004, 12:46 PM	#6
ReneinDC Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Age: 44 Posts: 36	I know exactly how you feel because I did the same thing when I broke up the first time.. I made him "think" I was seeing someone when I wasn't but you know what.. it was a good thing to do under the circumstances. Sometimes we have to do unconventional things to get over hurt so I wouldn't feel bad about the white lie at all.. I think it will help you in the long run. The more nonchalant I acted towards him the more it drove him nuts and it's working again this time only I dont want him back. It will be ok you'll see ((hug))

07-21-2004, 12:51 PM	#7
CherryGrl Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 64	Hi John, I can see why you might feel bad about lying and maybe that was not the best thing to do, but I sure do understand the feeling of wanting to level the playing field a bit! Now that you've told her this story, you might just want to give things a bit of time and see how it affects her. Could be that if she still has feelings for you, she will be bothered by the idea that you might be seeing someone else and it WILL make her think about the nice guy she is letting get away. If this woman did not want to keep in touch, seems to me she would have changed the address on all her mail already. I know if I did not want to see a guy anymore, that is one of the first things I would have done. I would not continue to come by his house to pick up my mail. You pretty much know you are going to see her again, since she'll be by to get her mail again, right? So maybe between now and then it would be a good idea to not contact her, remain cool, and see how she acts toward you the next time she comes by.

07-21-2004, 01:22 PM	#9
skynet74 Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Rhode Island USA Gender: Male Age: 41 Posts: 220	Thanks for all the great advice. I Love this Place! Yeah..... I am feeling less and less guilty about the little white lie. I'm beginning to think that the sadness I felt had more to do with seeing her than lying to her. I did plant that seed and now she's going to sit and think about it. (which I feel is a good thing). I'm going to play it cool and not mention it again. I'm also not going to call her either. Let it appear that I've really moved on. This is probably the stage where she'll start second guessing her decision. I guess it's really not a bad position for me to be in right now. Thanks again everyone! John

07-21-2004, 01:34 PM	#10
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	hhhmmm, not so sure I like the lie, but then again it is not the biggest deal in the world. I would recommend acting like anything she says like this has no affect on you. No reaction whatsoever postive or negative. I would also think that your reacting so quickly to her saying this would also indicate that it is best to stay away at this time. If you want to get her back creating contact when you are going to react is going to result in you defeating your purpose. So, I would prescribe a little more NC for now. I'd also tell you to go get one of those match.com dates. It will help all the way around.