Friend into hardcore drugs and dating ex-convict

kali171 · 07-20-2004, 11:53 PM

I had a close friend from high school that has gotten into hardcore drugs - cocaine, speed, ecstasy, etc. She is also dating an ex-convict/drugdealer with a 4 yr old daughter from a previous marriage. She sits in her room all day alone and snorts different things. She is failing out of college and has really changed.

I talked to her the other night about it - she started crying. Then, expectedly, she started avoiding and stuff.

I was writing some stuff down in my livejournal about thinking that her situation seemed out of control and how she might need rehab. I was thinking about letting her parents know or something.

She happened to read it - I had no idea that she even knew I kept one. She wrote me and told me to stay out of her life and that she could take care of herself.

I told her I would respect her decision.

Here are my questions:

Was I wrong to express my concern for her?
Was I wrong to agree to let her handle her issues on her own when everything tells me that she can't?
Is there anything I really can do to help?
Are the parents the way to go? I mean, she is already pushing away - there is no friendship left to lose.
Or should I just keep out and respect her boundaries?

Trojanmn2 · 07-21-2004, 02:00 AM

Ask yourself this, Would you think you would be a better friend by sitting idlely by as you see your friend die in front of your eyes? Sorry for the comparison, but also ask yourself this as well. Would you think you would be a better friend if you not "respected" their wishes to be let alone, and actually seeked a way for them to get themselves together? Do you think you would be a good friend to sit idlely as they slowly destroy themselves before giving them the help they need?

I believe IMO that people who do this to themselves are given the choice to do it. They also are given the choice to keep doing it. So the fault for their actions would be theirs. Don't feel bad that you feel like you're intruding, when you're in fact helping. Let her parents know, her parents have a RIGHT to know.

Your friend is probably mad at you now because shes ashamed of what she's become. She's calling for help, and if she's not now, she will be later. Maybe the relationship with this "guy" who has affected her specially in her life is holding her down.

1. You weren't wrong to express concern to care for somebody, especially as close as you two are. Its never ever wrong to show you care for somebody, even if it is a little.

2. Its wrong to let her handle something thats killing her slowly. You know in your own eyes that she can't get out a relationship which could lean to abuse of any kind, especially a dependence on drugs.

3. Yes you can help, tell her parents, help her get counsel. Let her see somebody, another ex-addict, or get the people who care to be there for her, show her that theres help and she's not alone in where she is right now. Talk to her, heart to heart, and keep being there for her, so when finally she needs somebody and hopefully calls.. You will be there, it'll help reinforce it in her mind that there is somebody

4. Parents have their right to know. If they truly loving and caring parents, they should know and they will be there for her.

5. Don't let her go, if you do care, and from what I see that you do, be there for her, don't give up.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your friend

mercurydreams · 07-21-2004, 02:03 AM

You are right to express concern. The best thing you can do for her is be a good friend. Parents aren't the way to go. She doesn't need lectures and more of a headache. She needs support from people who won't judge her for her addictions. When she is able and ready, she can choose to stop. But only she can make that choise, and she has to be ready to. Other wise she will never stay clean. Just support her and offer non-judgemental friendship. Tell her your concerns. It always helps to know that someone cares.

ComputerGuy · 07-21-2004, 02:47 AM

I'm the sort of person that, in this situation, would go to the parents and get her problem out in the open if I couldn't convinvce her to do it. I believe that making sure your friends are OK and looking out for them is the most important thing. If it meant destroying our relationship so I know she would be getting help and be OK, then that's how it would be. I'd rather lose a friend and know shes alive and happy, then lose a friends life.

JonnyG · 07-21-2004, 04:53 AM

Inform her parents. As u said, your relationship sounds in a mess anyway now, and if she can recover im sure she will thank u for saving her from making a huge mistake. And even if she doesnt, u did the right thing.

kali171 · 07-21-2004, 10:34 AM

Thanks everyone for your input - here's the thing - I find that I can't trust her anymore and I don't think that she trusts me either, so to me, I have already lost her as a friend. This didn't happen recently; it happened last summer when she was really rude to another friend because she wanted weed from him. Then I ended up pushing her away.

I hadn't spoken to her for nearly a year and now I am living with her (for 6 weeks only)- although she spends most of her time at her boyfriend's.

If I tell her parents, she will probably guess it was me. However, I move out 4 weeks - Do you think it is better to wait until I'm not living with her to avoid confrontation?

I also know that her parents are very pushy people and that she could be going through a stage of rebellion - and also they are very smart people and probably sense the change in your daughter. My friend is also 19 - and is still financially dependent on them. If I go to them, they may cut her off financially - as they have already threatened. In that case, she may turn to more extreme methods to earn money and get drugs.

If I do go to them, do you have any suggestions what I should say to them?

mercurydreams · 07-21-2004, 02:14 PM

If you are going to tell them start by saying that their daughter is going through a hard time and she needs their support. That they shouldn't judge or give her a hard time, because she is having a hard enough time right now.

kali171 · 07-21-2004, 03:26 PM

Is it important that I mention the kind of drugs she has been doing? Or that her boyfriend is an exconvict / "ex" drugdealer and has a 4 year old daughter?

07-20-2004, 11:53 PM	#1
kali171 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 51	Friend into hardcore drugs and dating ex-convict I had a close friend from high school that has gotten into hardcore drugs - cocaine, speed, ecstasy, etc. She is also dating an ex-convict/drugdealer with a 4 yr old daughter from a previous marriage. She sits in her room all day alone and snorts different things. She is failing out of college and has really changed. I talked to her the other night about it - she started crying. Then, expectedly, she started avoiding and stuff. I was writing some stuff down in my livejournal about thinking that her situation seemed out of control and how she might need rehab. I was thinking about letting her parents know or something. She happened to read it - I had no idea that she even knew I kept one. She wrote me and told me to stay out of her life and that she could take care of herself. I told her I would respect her decision. Here are my questions: Was I wrong to express my concern for her? Was I wrong to agree to let her handle her issues on her own when everything tells me that she can't? Is there anything I really can do to help? Are the parents the way to go? I mean, she is already pushing away - there is no friendship left to lose. Or should I just keep out and respect her boundaries?

07-21-2004, 02:00 AM	#2
Trojanmn2 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Panama City, Florida Age: 26 Posts: 103	Ask yourself this, Would you think you would be a better friend by sitting idlely by as you see your friend die in front of your eyes? Sorry for the comparison, but also ask yourself this as well. Would you think you would be a better friend if you not "respected" their wishes to be let alone, and actually seeked a way for them to get themselves together? Do you think you would be a good friend to sit idlely as they slowly destroy themselves before giving them the help they need? I believe IMO that people who do this to themselves are given the choice to do it. They also are given the choice to keep doing it. So the fault for their actions would be theirs. Don't feel bad that you feel like you're intruding, when you're in fact helping. Let her parents know, her parents have a RIGHT to know. Your friend is probably mad at you now because shes ashamed of what she's become. She's calling for help, and if she's not now, she will be later. Maybe the relationship with this "guy" who has affected her specially in her life is holding her down. 1. You weren't wrong to express concern to care for somebody, especially as close as you two are. Its never ever wrong to show you care for somebody, even if it is a little. 2. Its wrong to let her handle something thats killing her slowly. You know in your own eyes that she can't get out a relationship which could lean to abuse of any kind, especially a dependence on drugs. 3. Yes you can help, tell her parents, help her get counsel. Let her see somebody, another ex-addict, or get the people who care to be there for her, show her that theres help and she's not alone in where she is right now. Talk to her, heart to heart, and keep being there for her, so when finally she needs somebody and hopefully calls.. You will be there, it'll help reinforce it in her mind that there is somebody 4. Parents have their right to know. If they truly loving and caring parents, they should know and they will be there for her. 5. Don't let her go, if you do care, and from what I see that you do, be there for her, don't give up. Good luck and best wishes to you and your friend __________________ "Mean what you say and do what you say." I had to learn the hard way "I don't want to lead you, I don't want to follow and pick up after you, I want to walk with and beside you"

07-21-2004, 02:47 AM	#4
ComputerGuy Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Geelong, Australia Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,524	I'm the sort of person that, in this situation, would go to the parents and get her problem out in the open if I couldn't convinvce her to do it. I believe that making sure your friends are OK and looking out for them is the most important thing. If it meant destroying our relationship so I know she would be getting help and be OK, then that's how it would be. I'd rather lose a friend and know shes alive and happy, then lose a friends life. __________________ Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive??? ('"\(o.O)/"') Free Hugs Campaign - http://youtube.com/watch?v=dkSVWKk1xqE - Do your bit!!!

07-21-2004, 02:03 AM	#3
mercurydreams Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Age: 25 Posts: 30	You are right to express concern. The best thing you can do for her is be a good friend. Parents aren't the way to go. She doesn't need lectures and more of a headache. She needs support from people who won't judge her for her addictions. When she is able and ready, she can choose to stop. But only she can make that choise, and she has to be ready to. Other wise she will never stay clean. Just support her and offer non-judgemental friendship. Tell her your concerns. It always helps to know that someone cares.

07-21-2004, 04:53 AM	#5
JonnyG Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: UK Age: 27 Posts: 909	Inform her parents. As u said, your relationship sounds in a mess anyway now, and if she can recover im sure she will thank u for saving her from making a huge mistake. And even if she doesnt, u did the right thing.

07-21-2004, 10:34 AM	#6
kali171 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 51	Thanks everyone for your input - here's the thing - I find that I can't trust her anymore and I don't think that she trusts me either, so to me, I have already lost her as a friend. This didn't happen recently; it happened last summer when she was really rude to another friend because she wanted weed from him. Then I ended up pushing her away. I hadn't spoken to her for nearly a year and now I am living with her (for 6 weeks only)- although she spends most of her time at her boyfriend's. If I tell her parents, she will probably guess it was me. However, I move out 4 weeks - Do you think it is better to wait until I'm not living with her to avoid confrontation? I also know that her parents are very pushy people and that she could be going through a stage of rebellion - and also they are very smart people and probably sense the change in your daughter. My friend is also 19 - and is still financially dependent on them. If I go to them, they may cut her off financially - as they have already threatened. In that case, she may turn to more extreme methods to earn money and get drugs. If I do go to them, do you have any suggestions what I should say to them?

07-21-2004, 02:14 PM	#7
mercurydreams Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Age: 25 Posts: 30	If you are going to tell them start by saying that their daughter is going through a hard time and she needs their support. That they shouldn't judge or give her a hard time, because she is having a hard enough time right now.

07-21-2004, 03:26 PM	#8
kali171 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 51	Is it important that I mention the kind of drugs she has been doing? Or that her boyfriend is an exconvict / "ex" drugdealer and has a 4 year old daughter?