My boyfriend doesn't respect me.

[rainethbow]

I have been with my boyfriend for a long time. I won't get into everything, but we have alot of problems.. but we are also soulmates :[. this makes things worse because I feel the need to fix things. He doesn't respect me. He tells me. He hates it. I hate it. He thinks I'm immature.. yet he won't listen, and he is closeminded and thinks everything he says is correct. I think THAT is immature and I'm beyond him in that category. The question/problem is, how do I get him to respect me without having to change myself completely? How can I be myself, yet have him respect me? I'd love to have a one on one chat with anyone about this too.. but don't hold your breath.. I have alot more problems comin'.

[sirhcorg]

You shouldn't change yourself for anyone. The only way he will start respecting you is if he changes. From what you described, it doesn't sound like he is "soul mate". If I were you, I would seriously think about ending the relationship. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. But that is only my thought, there might be a way to fix it but I wouldn't take that.

[ComputerGuy]

From the sounds of things, this guy needs a wake up call a la slap in the face. I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, anyone who thinks what they say is the be all and end all of everything is very immature. If you really want to fix this, you are going to have to MAKE him listen to what you are saying and tell him the way you feel, if he truly loves you, he will want to make you happy. Once he knows how you feel and that hes making you unhappy, if he still doesn't do anything about it, I'd be questioning the soulmate thing, because what kind of soulmate knowingly makes the person they're soulmates with unhappy.

[OceanEyes]

but we have alot of problems.. but we are also soulmates :[.

Ummm you might want to reconsider that just a bit. I would define "soul mates" as two people who are relatively compatible in mind, body, sensitivity, have the same values and morals, etc. From what you've said, there is little or no evidence of that.

Here's what I found most disturbing:

yet he won't listen, and he is closeminded and thinks everything he says is correct. I think THAT is immature and I'm beyond him in that category.

You're "beyond him"? If you're bringing that same attitude to your arguments, then I'm sorry, but I can see how he would be defensive and arrogant. If both you and him are saying, "I'm right, you're wrong, and that's the way it is. DEAL WITH IT!", then you guys are going to end up apart - fast.

In all fairness, I know what you're saying about certain times that guys will not compromise. They will think that their point of view is totally accurate, and that yours isn't. My ex-boyfriend was often like that. Even if it was just a simple conflict about which brand of milk tasted better, he would literally insist that he was right, and I was wrong. This doesn't help matters either.

I think from what you've said, the 2 of you have a very big problem communicating constructively. And, although this may be acceptable for the time being, it will eventually consume your energy for other more positive elements of your relationship (hence why I've moved this topic to "Relationship Communication").

An important thing to remember when communicating with a man, is that men absolutely resent it when you lead them to believe that they are stupid or incapable of doing something. Men pride themselves on being able and competent in achieving something. I've found through my own personal experience that men value and respect us more when we trust them: trust them to please us, trust them to achieve things. When they always feel like you are disapproving of them in some way, trying to change them (sorry, although you think he's trying to change you, he may feel the exact same way = MISCOMMUNICATION), or if he feels like you always think you're better or 'above him' in some way, he's going to stop caring as much. Not necessarily about you, but about pleasing you or trying to do things that make you happy. Why? Because he doesn't think it will make a difference. He doesn't think anything he does is good enough and that you will always disapprove. This is, of course, a totally inaccurate assumption, but since you guys are not communicating properly, this is what he thinks.

Something that might work here: apologize. Even if you don't feel as if you have done anything wrong. He seems defensive, and generally when men are defensive is when they feel they have failed you in some way.

Say something like, "I feel really bad about how we talk to each other sometimes. I would really like to change that, but am not sure how. I love you, but sometimes I don't feel like we communicate properly, and it hurts me when you invalidate my feelings. Sometimes I don't think we see each other's side properly. I would love it if you could help me understand you better".

In my relationship, I've just found that it's better if I come in peace. Always let him know how much you value and appreciate him first. You don't have to take blame to do this. By letting him know that you trust, love and respect his abilities, you're giving him more confidence - confidence and especially - motivation to change the way he speaks to you and to try harder.

[OceanEyes]

I just saw this:

you are going to have to MAKE him listen to what you are saying and tell him the way you feel, if he truly loves you, he will want to make you happy.

Don't, under any circumstances, attempt to force your thoughts or opinions. Any man, regardless of age or ANYTHING, will reject this approach. You can suggest things and come to him in a respectful and equal manner, but yelling or forcing him to listen to you is only going to make things worse - and make him more complacent and defensive.

[ComputerGuy]

I'm a guy, and it would work with me, thats what I'm basing it on, ho id respond.

[Lauren Ny]

I have been with my boyfriend for a long time. I won't get into everything, but we have alot of problems.. but we are also soulmates :[. this makes things worse because I feel the need to fix things. He doesn't respect me. He tells me. He hates it. I hate it. He thinks I'm immature.. yet he won't listen, and he is closeminded and thinks everything he says is correct. I think THAT is immature and I'm beyond him in that category. The question/problem is, how do I get him to respect me without having to change myself completely? How can I be myself, yet have him respect me? I'd love to have a one on one chat with anyone about this too.. but don't hold your breath.. I have alot more problems comin'.

" WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US?"

It sounds to me like BF has some control issues, and why would you want to be with someone who tells you they hate you? If you feel the need to "FIX" things, you might want to start with yourself? I'm not attempting to be mean, but you need to hear this. We've got to get over this incessant need to fix other people. You can't do it! It's not possible to get someone to respect you. He can only do to you what you allow him to do. ....PERIOD....!!! And YES - if he was your soulmate, you would have no need to ask others "How do I get him to respect me." Is some self examination in order maybe?

You are loved!!

[termus123]

Respect is earned not given, what have you done to make him lose respect for you?

What have you done to deserve his respect?

Are you frequently making better decisions than he is or is it vise versa?

He might be belittling your decision making because he thinks his decision making skills are superior and he doesn't listen to you because what you say might not be the best solution.

To be perfectly honest, he could sugar coat his words, pretend to listen to what you say and compromise your idea into a decision with his idea dominating it but in the end is that what you want? Because that's exactly the same just with a different outlook on attitude.

In the end of the day, if you want him to respect you just out perform him.