Jealous of my Boyfriend's Sister ?!?!

I feel like this is so crazy to be jealous of my boyfriend's sister but I am at my wit's ends here. He and I have been dating since early last fall and he has a very close-knit family. He is especially close to his sister who is only a year younger than he. Well when we first started dating and I met the family I noticed that she seemed kind of territorial of him, hugging him and trying to sit on his lap and always be all by him (instead of me) she acts just as cuddely with her dad so I wrote it off as being a little protective of her brother. Especially since he would always choose me over her. If she was keeping him accross the room with her and I was alone on the sofa I could catch his eye and with an infintesimal tilt of my head he'd come right over to sit with me. At first I could tell this bothered her but a few visits later she and I were bonding really well and she had pretty much stopped all that. Then it got kind of strange. One morning last January he woke up beside me and looked at me groggily (still half-asleep) and the first words out of his mouth were "Lisa ...?" (his sister's name). Now I was laying in bed next to him naked and that his reaction was another girl's name by mistake was weird enough but his sister?! I was creeped out! Now I admit that she and I look similar - both built the same, long brown hair, etc the only real difference is that her hair is curly and mine is straight. Well that night I had gone to bed wearing my hair curly so it was curly in the morning. That is the argument in his favor - I resembled her and he was sleepy. On the other hand, it's odd that his first thought upon seeing a naked girl in bed with him was of his sister. I told him it made me uncomfortable but he repeatedly told me I was crazy and that 'at least it's sis not some other girl' etc. Finally I just dropped it because nothing came of our discussions. Ever since that happened I struggle with feeling jealous of the sister. When he complains about the guys she dates or spends ages talking about how great she is (so smart - got in to so and so school ..... so pretty, all the guys like her) etc I have to really work to hide that it bothers me. Other than this one thing my boyfriend is the ideal bf. He is sweet, attentive, romantic, never looks at another girl twice, treats me like a princess, a dream come true. I'd like to hear what y'all have to say about this. Am I crazy or would you be bothered too? and what can I do about it?

I would be bothered by it if I were a girl, but I have feeling he was just kind of surprised. You said you kind of look like his sister, and the only difference was in the hair. So he probably woke up, saw the hair, figured it was his sister, and was like "Uh oh, I hope I didn't do what I am thinking I did!". Then he realized it was you and thought nothing more of it. You should stop bringing it up, because it is kind of an embarrassing topic. They have a close-knit family, so they probably just care about each other a lot. Don't worry about it, and if he starts to go out with his sister, I am terribly sorry. I just don't think thats gonna happen anytime soon though. Good Luck.

Dear Joanie,

I have been married to my husband(CD) for 4years(we've been together 7). I did not meet his sisters until right before we got married. His middle sister, "Kit"(we'll call her), let us stay at her house until we went to where the actual ceremony was to take place. We got to her and her husband(JOE)'s house at about 3AM, so we stayed the night. The next day we all(my husband, kids, and Kit(minus Joe-he had to work) went to a mall to hang out. Both of them sat up front, me with the kids in the back. They were laughing and talking to each other and started tickling one another. Kit was driving and they just kept on. Then when they settled down a little he rested his hand on her thigh for the rest of the 20min. it took to get to the mall. At that point I was feeling uncomfortable, but shook it off as jet-lag from the trip down there. On the way down there he goes into this story(second time he tells me) about how his sister Kit and he were at a party and everyone was ready to go and he goes over and kisses his sister on the lips and everyone was saying how it was so gross that he was making out with his sister. But he was "just kissing her goodbye the way they always did growing up-it was innocent." Anyhow, everytime I go down there(we'll call it Dallas), they are always like that. Last year at mother's day I finally decided to say nore than it just made me uncomfortable-I told him that I thought he should say something to her. He said he would. This was about the third time we'd gone to Dallas when I'd asked him to say something and he laughs it off and says he will. I just finally said that I was not going to be apart of anything like standing by and watching him act like she were more his wife than I am. I told him that I could not stress enough how him laying his head down on her lap while she played with his hair while the whole family were talking-made me extremely uncomfortable. He just said once again he would talk to her about it. Last Christmas we went down there and she's sitting on his lap again. I almost got a picture of it just so I would have proof-for myself that I'm not crazy, and to drop him a hint that maybe that was too much-but the camera took too long to load and I just have them sitting close to one another-but at least she got off his lap! I recently posted on a "friend's" network-that very picture I am speaking of with the caption"How close is too close?" CD's family just started networking on that very site and I guess their not too happy with me. It was all I could do to keep myself from exploding. I mean, this has been going on for 4years-has it been my responsibility this whole time? Would it not have-well-made me look as crazy as I do right about now? I guess I could have always said in the middle of everyone-"Hey, enough is enough." But I was trying to be a bigger person, a more respectful person. But it gets harder when you feel more and more like you aren't being respected. The more I pray about it the more I know that it's wrong. The more I know that it is not jealousy nor envy that is convicting me-but disgust. So I told CD that last night. What you do and how you act around each other makes me sick-I am disgusted. You never have acted like that around your eldest sister-so what makes it ok with the other one? It's gross.... "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

Hello Joanie,

I know its been quite a few years since you wrote this post but i have been searching online for some advice and havent been able to find any. I came accross this post and was relieved to know someone's been through this. I am in a very similar situation, have been with a guy for 4 years and we love eachother very much but I am sooo jealous of his sister, she is my same age and very sexy and gorgeous, and i have a VERY strong feeling that my bf is sexually attracted to his sister. Before I even met her, the way that he described her too me was strange from the get go. He checks her out everytime she walks by and gets nervous, also he is constantly comparing me to her asking why i dont get my nails done the way she does or dress in the same way she does. When i confront him about it, he says i'm crazy yet doesnt deny it enough.this situation is driving me crazy, I am constantly thinking about it and it's making my relationship with him, his family and myself a living nightmare. I hate to have to leave him for good over this. What advice do you give and and what did you end up doing?

Wow, it's like a French movie in here.

First, I think it is important for everyone involved to take a deep breath and remember that humans come equipped with a really good, nearly fail-proof system against incest. The overwhelming majority of people simply will not go there. You're (probably) likelier to die in a plane crash than to have your husbands wanting to... you know... wanting to do th... emh... eugh.

But still people get nervous about flying and apparently they also get jittery about their husbands and sisters-in-law. So I guess statistical evidence isn't all that comforting.

TEMPTA21, I don't mean to minimise your feelings at all, because I know they are real. But I do have to say that getting territorial like that is not going to earn you any points with your husband. It sounds like he is very affectionate with his sister, and personally I find that kind of sweet. I like it when relatives are very close to each other. It's his sister, and whether you like it or not, it is his prerrogative to decide how affectionate he wants to be towards her. Quite simply it has nothing to do with you. You choose to make it a matter of disrespect towards you, but you don't get to demand that he follows your regulations when it comes to dealing with his family.

Think about it. Would you tell him off for holding his mum's hand? No. Why? Because it's his fricken mum. Should you tell him off for resting his head on his siter's shoulder? No. Why? Because it's his fricken sister.

I repeat, It's His Fricken Sister.

lmu123, I fully agree it's very odd that your husband constantly wants to turn you into his sister. Not because it's automatically some sexual thing, but because you are a person on your own right and you will dress and do your nails as you well damn please. I think hurling accusations to him about him being into his sister will only make him clamp shut and will be very embarrassing for both of you and get you nowhere.

I would instead recommend that you assertively tell him that you are not, never have been and never will be his sister. He already has a sister. You are his wife. And if he is not happy with the way you are (i.e. non-sisterly), there is a door right there that opens straight into singledom.

There. Oh yeah and to the woman who opened this thread five years ago, wherever you are -you've got to be kidding me! He called you by your sister's name because you looked like his bloody sister when all he could see in his comatose state was your hair. I once hollered (I mean really hollered) at a black t-shirt that my boyfriend was wearing in bed when I opened my eyes. I thought it was a monster or something. That's what happens when you have just woken up.

Jeez.

He checks her out everytime she walks by and gets nervous...

I've been with my bf for 4 years now and I have the exact problem! My bf's sis have big boobs and she always wears very low cut tops - I've caught him looking down her top quite a few times and it makes me sick! A couple of times I couldn't hold it I asked him "what are you doing?" not directly pointing at him for looking down her top and he gets nervous and says something stupid like not much / nothing. He went out of his way to walk over to the other side of the table just to get a better look! Because she was sitting down. I've always thought I was mad for thinking like that but I'm not that stupid to imagine things! Please help!!

I have the same issue....My boyfriend has given his siter these looks like she is the most amazing girl in the world. He told me I don't work as hard as her and she is tinier than I am. They are constantly texting and together. The other day he went to the Dr. for his back and said when he was in the hospital gown with shorts he had her come in so she wouldn't have to wait in the waiting room!!!!!!! I am so disgusted and angry their relationship is so weird. I once brought him to the hospital and he had no problem having me wait in the waiting room alone.....He seems obsessed with her and vice versa. She is also pretty. This just makes me so upset and when I confront him he says I am insecure and have problems.

IS this weird?

YES, it is weird! Guys, you are feeling uncomfortable because there is something to feel uncomfortable about. After a while of this... An otherwise great guy with one very strange thing... You start to feel like YOU are the crazy person. It wears you out, wears you down, digs at you, and it's like you cant get past it. Right?

There is a really good reason for this. What he is doing is wrong. Staring at his sisters boobs is gross, yes. Yes, him resting his hand on her thigh for 20 minutes is strange. Yes, him having his sister sit with him at the hospital but making you wait outside is upsetting.

Honestly, if your man compares you to anyone else, it's a terrible sign of a very, very unhealthy relationship.

You need to know that in the end, you have 2 choices. You can live with him behaving like this, or you can separate from him. He is clearly not ready to let go of his sister and move into an adult world with an adult woman love... It is really, really sad, especially because you love him and think he is an otherwise good man.

Good luck. Don't forget that you need to take care of yourself. Do what's best for yourself, and don't waste time on indecision. You don't get to live forever.

Ps. You are not crazy!!

I have only experienced a relationship like this once and its very uncomfortable! Even my psychologist asked me if i believed they were having a sexual relationship which i said no to but theres something very wrong!

Some ppl and families are naturally very close so you have to use your own judgement, good luck

First off,

You people who are reading this just for kicks need to go get lives... Joanie, has a real issue and so do the rest of the girls in here that are confiding with someone that understands them.

You have no idea what it is like to experience something like this and until you do you have no right to tell them what to do.

However, you are all probably correct when you say that just the mere fact that your boyfriend and or husbands will actually act upon their sexual urges with their own sisters is probably a little far-fetched...but it doesn't change the fact that YOU have to deal with these harbored sexual feelings that he may or may not have for his sister or vice versa?? And the fact that he called you by his sister's name... that would disturb me to... and probably any other woman... even the woman who yelled at her black shirt! Your man calling you any other name but your own will probably bother you! The fact that it was his sister's name is just more perturbing. Sounds like a Freudian slip to me people...

The only sort of advice to give in this sort of situation is either a) grin and bear it or b) leave him...because there is no way he's going to stop it.

Charity, my dear, charity...

You either don't have siblings, or you don't have a close knit family life with them. When I wake up half there, chances are, I'll say either "JUST A MINUTE, CASEY" or "GO AWAY, SIM". If someone is staring at me while my eyes aren't even fully open, chances are I'll assume its my sister, who I shared a bed with for more than 10 years.

You aren't being very nice to your boyfriend, who is probably trying to bleach out the image of his sister naked. It's not cool to harass someone you care about when they've already apologized and gave an explaination. What do you want him to do? Admit his hopeless attraction for his sister? Tell you that it can't work, he can never stop loving her? He'd be lying. Let it go.