friend is getting into trouble b/c of narcissism

[sweetharmony]

Hi, I have a very good friend who seems to be quite a know-it-all. I can't explan it, but it is really bad. it bothers me to an extent, but I have gotten used to it, but basically she's like this with everyone and it is ruining her, but she doesn't see it. she's gotta one-up everyone and talk about herself and how great she is and how much better she is (at something) than them. and basically, she's over-exaggerating.

She was attending grad school last year and basically many people in her class turned on her. and then she was kicked out from that semester from missing too many classes b/c of all her medical problems (some legit, but many never documented by a doctor) (which was a blessing in disguise) and decided to start anew. well, again, second week of class and people are turning on her saying she's narcisisstic know-it-all.

she also thinks she is psychic and can sense things, she also thinks she's a genius. what is she really?.... a drama queen. every week she has a different disease (that miraculously clear up). and it does effect our friendship, b/c she's cancelled plans often b/c of her problems.

But another reason that leads me to think she's overexaggerating is he fact that she does this all this time in other areas. every time she meets someone, she tells others they love her and that now the're best friends- with band members (who she speaks to once), bartnenders (who barely talk to her other than taking drink orders), interviewers (never gets the job), etc... it's embarrasing when she tells others in front of me, b/c these stories are inaccurate (I was there and cannot agree with her).

How do I tell her this? I just feel bad for her. I've told her to consider what she says b/c not everyone maybe understanding of her "talents" and might take it in the wrong way. She just doesn't get it. she thinks everyone else is to blame. and maybe, to an extent.

sorry for rambling. how do I handle this?

[Hannibal]

You need to be flat out honest with her. I doubt this will be enough though, but at least its a start. Maybe talking to her about going to see someone to get professional help would do some good aswell because if she doesn't get any help then she will only get worse as time goes on. My aunt thinks everyone is to blame for everything and thinks that shes always in the right, and now shes dying of hepetitis.

[QTpie87]

hannibal,
i couldn't have said it any better! listen and take hannibals advice hun.
love QTpie87

[Ash]

Something inside her, deep down, is perhaps bothering her, something she maybe really isn't conscious is there.

Perhaps she's so mortally afraid of failure herself, that she's developed all these advanced mechanisms to avoid herself possibly being viewed that way by others. If she's convinced she's the best, then everybody else will be too, right? And nobody will notice when she falters.

But she does falter it seems. She's missing out on the human side of things.

I suspect she's nowhere near as self confident as she appears. Certainly, all the things she thinks is wrong with her might be an indication for that. They are also a cry for attention. She wants people to care for her, and she seems to think the way to do that is through pity.

See if there's any way you can find a [color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color] in that tough armour of hers, and touch the person inside who's likely scared and hiding from something. See if you can get her talking about her feelings, rather than her accomplishments and illnesses, real or imagined. And I don't mean talking about how she feels about certain topics, but how she feels within herself.

Is she happy with herself? Is she happy in general? What fears does she have? Can she rest at night, or is her brain constantly churning, never turning off? Does she ever truly relax? Does she ever really enjoy herself? Try to see if she'll talk about those things. She'll probably put up a heck of a fight at first, change the subject. Try to evade what you're saying.

But I fear just submitting to herself she has issues with dealing with people and she should stop will just make her even more determined to prove she's right and they're wrong.

Good luck.

[sweetharmony]

Ash, I completely agree with you. smy friend puts up this exterior, a front that she's tough and confident. She has major psychological problems that she's open about with me. She gets panic attacks, depression, anxiety, etc... and she's on tons of medication for it- 7 types of drugs. I am very sympathetic to her. She does tell me about her problems and is very open to me. she's had a very troubled life- she was date-raped when she was younger and so I know she struggles with a lot of issues. she definitely has an insecurity and control problem which stems from this. She wants to be in control and wants things done her way, b/c at one point in her life, she had no control.

I just feel bad for her, b/c when she tries to put up this front that she's this happy, confident woman who's got it together, she ends up really overdoing it to the point of turning people off and I just want her to be aware of this, instead of blaming everyone else. But people have told her this in the past and she doesn't believe and thinks they are the ones with the problem. I am so sympathetic, because I am aware of her insecurities. She's even in grad school for social work, which makes me think about the people who are in her class. You would think people in social work would be a little more mature/ understanding and not be so mena towards her. I mean we're talking 25-30 year olds, not teenagers.

I sort of talked to her about it today. She was reiterating the story about the people who turned on her and I told her to look at things from their side, that sometimes the way she say things comes out too assertive (the nicest way to put it, without saying the word narcissistic)- even if it wasn't her intention. I told her that often she's very take charge, and confident- two great qualities, but others may misinterpret it. I even gave her an example when this happened to me (so she wouldn't feel bad).

My friend seemed to understand and I think this was the best approach. She wrote the guy in her class an e-mail to apologize.

Hopefully, she will try and think before she speaks. If I hear her say something, i think I might tell her in a nice way that there's a better way of saying it- not showing off, esp. about her intelligence. She's a smart girl, but she's always telling people how smart she is (i swear). Have you ever met anyone who actually said, "I know I'm smart" and wasn't making a joke!

[Ash]

My friend seemed to understand and I think this was the best approach. She wrote the guy in her class an e-mail to apologize.

I think this is one of the best things that could have happened. And I sincerely hope the person she apologizes too handles it with grace. Perhaps if you put a polite word in his ear, he would.

She needs to understand that she is human too, and she is allowed to make mistakes, and people will not see in in any way as being less of a person. In fact, she'll be more by doing this.

Sending the apology is her admitting she has done something wrong. If you can reinforce that whole situation, I think you'll be helping.

It sounds like you already know the answer to her problems, and you're willing to help. Maybe you just needed somebody else to see that too, and let you know you're doing things the right way. I think you are.

She's lucky to have a friend like you to help her. I hope she comes to truly understand that. It's easy for you to care for those with issues, isn't it. That's good of you.

Hopefully, all this aside, she'll mellow as time goes by.

I understand what you say about control. I guess the thing is, you realize she perhaps has the illusion of control, but you, I and her know that she relies on other means for control (medications) and that likely upsets her. And too, it's not unlikely that there are odd side effects from the meds that alter her personality substantially.

Keep being there for her, and trying to help, and I think in the end you'll find that you have.