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Thread: "Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

  1. #1
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    "Taking a Break" Vs "Breaking Up" Update

    I don't know whats worse, the finality of 'Breaking up' or the uncertainty of a 'break'. Both truly suck, but I think the latter (which happens to be my situation) is the worse of the two since the 'breaker' is basically taking a 'have my cake and eat it too' approach. So selfish it makes you simply want to say, 'beat it. there won't be anything here to return to'.

    But if the relationship was solid and the person needs the time and space to sort through confusion, I guess a break can be a good thing...even if it does hurt like hell. I instituted the NC rule (without even knowing such a rule existed at the time!) almost immediately and its been 2 1/2 of the toughest months of my life. I've been moving forward since day one since I simply am not the type of person who allows others to walk all over them, especially if I have moved heaven and earth for this person, but its been rough. What is even harder is I'm beginning to feel like I won't take her back even if/when she is ready to end the break. How did we get here? This whole break thing came out of the blue and its just hard to believe that we could go from a solid 5 yr. relationship to nothing so quickly.

    Breaks suck. Love sucks.

  2. #2
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    I understand. My ex wanted to have a break, but to me, that means break up. I figure if you need time away from me, then you can't stand to be near me, so why call it a break when it's really a break up!

    I don't know how married people do it. How do they make their marriage work for so long when couples who aren't married always break up?

    5 years is a long time, why would she just leave you like that? I am truely sorry that you've had to deal with this. I agree, love totally sucks...but the reverse (being in love and having it returned) is bliss.

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    If she is serious about just needing a 'break' she should have given you a time frame. For example, that she would meet with you in two weeks, or two months, or whatever, to have an open, honest conversation about everything.

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    Well, I'm partially responsible for the open endedness: the surprise, hurt, etc. triggered a defense mechanism which basically left it at "if you reach a point where you want me and only me as the man in your life and its for the right reasons, call me. Otherwise, don't." I know it sounds harsh, but if you knew of everything I've done for this woman you would probably think I went easy on her.

    My first post doesn't include all of the details that prompted the split, but suffice it to say that the relationship had its challenges--long distance, age gap, her in school, me entrenched in a professional career. What sucks most is that I think her stubborness will be the death of the relationship...then again it could be the only thing that will ensure that it endures in the long term. I just need to continue moving on, and continue no contact...little by little I'm leaving her behind.

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    Well, from someone who is increasingly thinking of going on a 'break' with her partner, I can say that my reasons for wanting to do so focus on the decreased independence that my relationship has generated. My boyfriend and I have got so entrenched in each other's lives and are living in each other's pockets, to the extent where I find myself doing everything and him doing nothing to contribute to our relationship.

    If we were to go on a break I know for a fact that this wouldn't signal the end of our relationship. I just need to breath and stop looking after two people for a while. It does NOT mean that I don't want to see him or that I want to sleep with other guys. I think breaks that have a time limit and promise to make the relationship better can be healthy. But to keep someone on a leash, leaving them uncertain about the future, well, that's just mean.

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    Excuse my ignorance, but what is a "break"? Do the two just stop seeing each other for a while to straighten things out in their life or what is it really for?
    "Do you want to fix the problem or soundbyte it?" -- Ross Perot during 1992 presidential debate.

  7. #7
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    You want to know what a break is:

    It is a half arse way of telling someone you dont want to be with them.

    I suggest you take it for what is , a BREAKUP. Intiate no contact immediately.

    You are trying to spare his feelings. No offense pixie, but what are you saying in regards to decreased independence. If you do not want to be with him, I suggest you do it ASAP and not prolong the inevitable.

    I know for damn sure if my girlfriend told me that we needed some TIME, or the infamous, its not you its me, or I need a break, I would be very hesitant to view it as a positive.

    So what happens after you guys take a braek, do you mark it on yur calender the day you will be getting back together? I have seen and experienced this all too often, a break , is a breakup, and it rarely , if ever will strengthen what you two had or could have experienced. Think long and hard, this is a big decision to make on your part.

    You say you still want to see him, but the catch is, YOU WANT NO COMMITMENT.

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    Good perspectives from the both of you, Michael & Pixie. The 'debate' is similar to one of the many I've had with myself over the past couple of months.

    Pixie,
    All I can say is before you pull the trigger on a 'break' give him a chance to address your needs, even if it is in the form of an ultimatum. If he is anything like me, once you step over that threshhold you will have opened up the question of whether irrepairable damage has been done to the relationship, regardless of who is responsible for bringing the relationship to the point where such a drastic step seemed the only viable option.

    All situations and relationships are different, which makes it difficult if not impossible to take any of the advice provided on these posts and use it as an exact template or formula to work from. Mine is no exception, and I have no doubt it is quite different from your own in many ways, but I nonetheless appreciate your insight. My girl (ex I guess) and I had been seeing one another for the past 6+ years, serious for the past 4, great friends for all 6+. There is a LOT of history behind the relationship (by-in-large, its all good with a few bumps here and there) but it would take pages to sum it all up. Suffice it to say that she and I met when she was 19 and I was 26; she was a secretary at a law firm where I worked. I won't bore you with the details, but she pursued me pretty aggressively and after awhile I broke down and gave in to her, but took a year before I committed to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

    Since then we have had a strong, committed relationship, one in which our friendship for one another was a close second to our passion. I've always been strong and I was generous in lending that strength to her and her family when they needed it, often going well beyond what even and above-average responsible guy would do. We welcomed each other into one another's families and were both surprised and very happy at how well we seemed to blend in by just being ourselves. From the beginning one of our top goals was to help her achieve her goal of getting a degree in art from a good school, something she thought that would never happen (because she had little assistance--her family was very poor and she had little to no idea on how to navigate her way to where she needed to be). It would be hard to explain just how much of myself I put into helping her.

    That road began 6 years ago and this is the beginning of her last year at the college she ultimately transferred to 2 years ago. Its been a tough couple of years, her being 4 hours away and me working ridiculous, high stress hours as a corporate attorney in a firm that is known to be a sweat shop. We knew it would be tough, but thought it would be a good test of whether we could endure. Well, about 6 months ago, she was talking about marriage and the game plan was to get engaged this summer. In the course of 4 months that all got unwound leading up to her hitting the eject button about 2 months ago.

    There were a few pressure points that sprang up in the span of a couple months, including me pushing to hold to our plan of getting engaged this summer. I think all these things converging at once (plus, she is a beautiful girl and she probably had more than one guy chasing after her), coupled with me being overworked and unattentive (and in a surly mood half the time we talked) pushed her over the edge. She claimed she needed to be independent, felt she was too young to get married, and basically wanted a break. She was EXTREMELY distraught and confused, kept asking me for reassurance that we would be okay, claimed repeatedly that she wanted to be with me long term and have our children, etc. Nonetheless, by break she meant total independence with no limitations on who she did what with.

    I was/am floored, but said that I could not speak to her until she was able to think of me as the only man in her life, and that she should not contact me for any other reason. That was 2+ months ago and I have not had any contact with her since. I was hurt and perhaps I should not have drawn such a harsh line in the sand, but I felt and still feel its necessary. As I told her I would, I have begun to move on and I am quickly reaching a point where I will not take her back. There are a lot of feelings and facts that are driving that feeling, but one of the strongest I feel is the resentment around her failure to try to work through it or at least give me an opportunity to brace for impact before getting broadsided. After all I have done for her and after all I have invested in the relationship I think I deserved at least that much.

    If you are going to invoke this torturous thing called a "break" think twice and consider sitting him down and giving him some advance warning on where things will go if there isn't any change.

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    This has been one of the toughest experiences of my life (probably THE toughest), and I've been through some tough times, but I know I have to let her go if there is any chance of us being together at some point down the road. At what point should I consider trying to contact her, if ever? Since I told her she should only call if/when she was ready to have me as the only guy in her life, it doesn't leave much room for her to try to ease her way back into my life as a 'friend'. Anyone have any insight here?

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    2nd try...

    Hi,

    If any of the ladies out there can offer up a woman's perspective on my last post (below) I sure would appreciate it!

    Thanks,
    caveat

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