Is She not Faithful--need help!

gem81 · 05-11-2004, 07:09 AM

Hai Friends!
i hope you are all fine.
well here is a Girl,I really loved to talk to.She had been with me for three years.We had been good friends.Then i started having feelings for her.She is quite sharp and i guess she understood it as well.yet she wanted to listin.I had seen her with many guys who were her class fellows.I really felt bad but i never askd her about them because she always told me they were her friends only.
Well i had feelings for her and one day i told her and u know shat she said..."I never thought like this....we were just good friends".
Well i totaly left it on her and never bothered her again about it.Yet my behaviour changed.It was natural.anyways.Now she still shares her feelings with me and tells me about her other friends every time when i am with her.She knows i get annoyed to it.yet she ueses me about this.I would like to ask.Whats that behaviour.She is not bound to me.i know yet now i have doubts about her,she seems to be using my feelings.What should i do.

kuhl282000 · 05-11-2004, 08:37 AM

Hello

I think that if two people are committed to each other, then you have to be responsible. And that means to one another. However if you are both single and seeing other people, that that is a different situation all together. I think what you have to do is have a talk with her, and see if she is interested in a committed relationship. If you feel she is using your feelings. You might want to consider your own thoughts, and why you are letting her play head games with you. I think you need to set up a time as soon as possible to have a real heart to heart talk. What do you really have to lose.

Good Luck

Kuhl

:P

charmed · 05-11-2004, 01:54 PM

Hi Gem81,

Sorry to hear you are getting messed around.

OK - You have entered the dreaded friends zone.
The place you are in, is almost impossible to get out of.
You have told her your feelings, and she has not reacted - or cleared up what she feels for you.
She has been carrying on as usual, as if you never said anything.
But you did !.....

If you have this girl on your mind all the time, you need to get out of there.
It's not easy, but it's best in the long run. She sounds like she is using the power over you - having the guy who loves her around all the time - the emotional face chloth so to speak.
Ascertain whether you will ever be with her or not. If not, then get some space from her so that you can live and talk to her while emotionally detached from here.

I was there about a year ago - infact - that's how I found eNotalone. The girl was playing with me - and I told her my feelings. We continued on like it hadn't happened - and I got cold. Then she got clingy, and started to play with my head. I knew it was going nowhere, and had to get out. I am better for it. I met up with her after about 8 months the other week, and I could still feel the way I did last summer a bit.

Another forum once had an excellent post which offered a great insight on this situation - the nice guy/bad guy situation. I feel it is one of the most impressive philosophies I've come across on the subject, and I suggest you read it !!!It's a classic. It will also help you see and analyise your situation and see the similarities with this. It was written by a guy called "Pook" - and credit due !

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=606

Hope this helps you some,

~:C:~

gem81 · 05-12-2004, 11:35 AM

Hi Charmed!!...
It was great to hear from you.
Well you did great with the Idea of that Link.
Well the bottom Line that "One Should be SELF-Confident",that makes us in self control as well.
So thank you Buddy for all this.
I hope i can catch anygirl i like now.
So chill out and have some Pepsi

Have a great Life!

charmed · 05-12-2004, 01:16 PM

hey gem81 !

You are totally welcome !
It's quite an interesting article isn't it !!!

Good hunting

~:C:~

gem81 · 05-12-2004, 01:45 PM

Hi Charmed!.
It was good to see ur reply so quickly.
Well the artical was quite Tricky about such issues and i think i helped me alot today as well.
Well,As i told earlier,i had feelings for her,yes i developed this attitude just after i joined Enotalone,
Now the question just poped up in my mind,what should we do after wards to that sort of girl.
Wht have you done if you were in my situation(Which i wish you never be...).
I called her today,She acted normal,i acted quite busy yet i feel she seem to be my friend,i know i cant go with it,but u know it is difficult to remove the older feelings and develop the newer ones so quickly,so is that good that i go out with her now coz she usually come to see me almost every day,and still defines her identity as my best friend.
I would like to know ur point of view as u said you have also passed through it(sorry for reminding you about the worries you had earlier...),
yesterday i mocked her up,made fun of her,yet ahe came back to see me,
I want to know Should i stop contacting her any more when we have our frank behaviour back and now she seems to be normal in terms with me yet personally i am not satisfied.
What do you say??

charmed · 05-12-2004, 02:05 PM

Hey Gem,

It's really really tricky when you are in the friends zone !

I've been there before, and it seems once you are in there, theres no getting out of it. The statement that a girl has you classed inside a few minutes of meeting you may have a lot of truth to it. Once you have been friends with her for a few years, it's hard to see why she would suddenly "see the light" and want you as a partner - you have to ask the question "why didn't she want that before?".

In saying that, many girls find themselves realising that the best friend man that they have had is probably the one more suited to being a partner with them. IE My best friends wedding (julia roberts & cameron diaz if you've seen it !!).

Putting some distance between you might serve to show her how much she does value you, but maybe only as a friend. Of course, you can't come on too strong, or she'll think you are obsessive about a relationship with her, and that is not what you want to happen at all.

Tricky, tricky business indeed !!

I dunno,........

Distance yourself from her a bit, and see how she reacts.

I've been best friends with girls - and wanted to partner with them before. There was one best friend in college that I really wanted to get with. We spent all our time together. I never thought I had a chance. College finished, and we still talked a bit on the phone but we grew apart.
I found out a few months later, that all along she had wanted to get with me. It was truly tragic - and it never happened.
In saying that, I had never asked her, or made a move.
You have done so, and it appears that she has not really given you closure on it.

I suspect that you really want to settle this once and for all. You can't let it continue like this as it will really get on your nerves.
I suggest asking her out to something - like a gig or whatever - something where only the two of you go. Perhaps you can gauge her feelings about it. Then hit her straight out with a question of " will we get together or not". Don't get into confessing love for her etc. Just go on about how great you get on and how it could be a shame to waste the oppertunity to see how a relationship would work out. You have not overexposed yourself there, emotionally, and perhaps you can get a final yes or no out of her and move on from the unknown zone !!

You need closure on whether this is happening or not. Once you have closure you can deal with the aftermath - be it positive, or negative.
Of course, you have to approach it in a positive frame of mind, or she will sense no confidence in yourself, which will work against you. Talk like you know she is going to say yes- and if she says no, then act like she has lost out ! It's true - because once you value yourself, she has lost out - and she should know that.

Don't get in to conversations about how you have to distance yourself etc. You may have to do that, but don't worry about that, and the point is certainly not to let her know how you are feeling.

Go into a situation like this prepared for no matter what she says - then you can compose yourself, and you can feel confident that you know exactly what to say to any response you get.

So think positive positive positive, and settle this once and for all is my advice !!

Otherwise, you will carry on like you are. Of course, you could just distance yourself from her, and not approach the subject again - but I think you want closure here !?!

~:C:~

05-11-2004, 07:09 AM	#1
gem81 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Isb Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 20	Is She not Faithful--need help! Hai Friends! i hope you are all fine. well here is a Girl,I really loved to talk to.She had been with me for three years.We had been good friends.Then i started having feelings for her.She is quite sharp and i guess she understood it as well.yet she wanted to listin.I had seen her with many guys who were her class fellows.I really felt bad but i never askd her about them because she always told me they were her friends only. Well i had feelings for her and one day i told her and u know shat she said..."I never thought like this....we were just good friends". Well i totaly left it on her and never bothered her again about it.Yet my behaviour changed.It was natural.anyways.Now she still shares her feelings with me and tells me about her other friends every time when i am with her.She knows i get annoyed to it.yet she ueses me about this.I would like to ask.Whats that behaviour.She is not bound to me.i know yet now i have doubts about her,she seems to be using my feelings.What should i do. __________________ Be honest without a thought of Heaven or Hell

05-11-2004, 08:37 AM	#2
kuhl282000 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Orlando, Florida Gender: Male Posts: 1,390	is she not Hello I think that if two people are committed to each other, then you have to be responsible. And that means to one another. However if you are both single and seeing other people, that that is a different situation all together. I think what you have to do is have a talk with her, and see if she is interested in a committed relationship. If you feel she is using your feelings. You might want to consider your own thoughts, and why you are letting her play head games with you. I think you need to set up a time as soon as possible to have a real heart to heart talk. What do you really have to lose. Good Luck Kuhl :P __________________ Be grateful for what you had together, because the personal memories are sometimes all we are left with. Life goes on, and so will you.

05-11-2004, 01:54 PM	#3
charmed Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Dublin Age: 32 Posts: 645	Hi Gem81, Sorry to hear you are getting messed around. OK - You have entered the dreaded friends zone. The place you are in, is almost impossible to get out of. You have told her your feelings, and she has not reacted - or cleared up what she feels for you. She has been carrying on as usual, as if you never said anything. But you did !..... If you have this girl on your mind all the time, you need to get out of there. It's not easy, but it's best in the long run. She sounds like she is using the power over you - having the guy who loves her around all the time - the emotional face chloth so to speak. Ascertain whether you will ever be with her or not. If not, then get some space from her so that you can live and talk to her while emotionally detached from here. I was there about a year ago - infact - that's how I found eNotalone. The girl was playing with me - and I told her my feelings. We continued on like it hadn't happened - and I got cold. Then she got clingy, and started to play with my head. I knew it was going nowhere, and had to get out. I am better for it. I met up with her after about 8 months the other week, and I could still feel the way I did last summer a bit. Another forum once had an excellent post which offered a great insight on this situation - the nice guy/bad guy situation. I feel it is one of the most impressive philosophies I've come across on the subject, and I suggest you read it !!!It's a classic. It will also help you see and analyise your situation and see the similarities with this. It was written by a guy called "Pook" - and credit due ! http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=606 Hope this helps you some, ~:C:~ __________________ ~:Charmed:~ If you would do it in another life, do it in this one!

05-12-2004, 11:35 AM	#4
gem81 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Isb Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 20	Thanks Hi Charmed!!... It was great to hear from you. Well you did great with the Idea of that Link. Well the bottom Line that "One Should be SELF-Confident",that makes us in self control as well. So thank you Buddy for all this. I hope i can catch anygirl i like now. So chill out and have some Pepsi Have a great Life! __________________ Be honest without a thought of Heaven or Hell

05-12-2004, 01:16 PM	#5
charmed Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Dublin Age: 32 Posts: 645	hey gem81 ! You are totally welcome ! It's quite an interesting article isn't it !!! Good hunting ~:C:~ __________________ ~:Charmed:~ If you would do it in another life, do it in this one!

05-12-2004, 01:45 PM	#6
gem81 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Isb Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 20	Just a question! Hi Charmed!. It was good to see ur reply so quickly. Well the artical was quite Tricky about such issues and i think i helped me alot today as well. Well,As i told earlier,i had feelings for her,yes i developed this attitude just after i joined Enotalone, Now the question just poped up in my mind,what should we do after wards to that sort of girl. Wht have you done if you were in my situation(Which i wish you never be...). I called her today,She acted normal,i acted quite busy yet i feel she seem to be my friend,i know i cant go with it,but u know it is difficult to remove the older feelings and develop the newer ones so quickly,so is that good that i go out with her now coz she usually come to see me almost every day,and still defines her identity as my best friend. I would like to know ur point of view as u said you have also passed through it(sorry for reminding you about the worries you had earlier...), yesterday i mocked her up,made fun of her,yet ahe came back to see me, I want to know Should i stop contacting her any more when we have our frank behaviour back and now she seems to be normal in terms with me yet personally i am not satisfied. What do you say?? __________________ Be honest without a thought of Heaven or Hell

05-12-2004, 02:05 PM	#7
charmed Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Dublin Age: 32 Posts: 645	Hey Gem, It's really really tricky when you are in the friends zone ! I've been there before, and it seems once you are in there, theres no getting out of it. The statement that a girl has you classed inside a few minutes of meeting you may have a lot of truth to it. Once you have been friends with her for a few years, it's hard to see why she would suddenly "see the light" and want you as a partner - you have to ask the question "why didn't she want that before?". In saying that, many girls find themselves realising that the best friend man that they have had is probably the one more suited to being a partner with them. IE My best friends wedding (julia roberts & cameron diaz if you've seen it !!). Putting some distance between you might serve to show her how much she does value you, but maybe only as a friend. Of course, you can't come on too strong, or she'll think you are obsessive about a relationship with her, and that is not what you want to happen at all. Tricky, tricky business indeed !! I dunno,........ Distance yourself from her a bit, and see how she reacts. I've been best friends with girls - and wanted to partner with them before. There was one best friend in college that I really wanted to get with. We spent all our time together. I never thought I had a chance. College finished, and we still talked a bit on the phone but we grew apart. I found out a few months later, that all along she had wanted to get with me. It was truly tragic - and it never happened. In saying that, I had never asked her, or made a move. You have done so, and it appears that she has not really given you closure on it. I suspect that you really want to settle this once and for all. You can't let it continue like this as it will really get on your nerves. I suggest asking her out to something - like a gig or whatever - something where only the two of you go. Perhaps you can gauge her feelings about it. Then hit her straight out with a question of " will we get together or not". Don't get into confessing love for her etc. Just go on about how great you get on and how it could be a shame to waste the oppertunity to see how a relationship would work out. You have not overexposed yourself there, emotionally, and perhaps you can get a final yes or no out of her and move on from the unknown zone !! You need closure on whether this is happening or not. Once you have closure you can deal with the aftermath - be it positive, or negative. Of course, you have to approach it in a positive frame of mind, or she will sense no confidence in yourself, which will work against you. Talk like you know she is going to say yes- and if she says no, then act like she has lost out ! It's true - because once you value yourself, she has lost out - and she should know that. Don't get in to conversations about how you have to distance yourself etc. You may have to do that, but don't worry about that, and the point is certainly not to let her know how you are feeling. Go into a situation like this prepared for no matter what she says - then you can compose yourself, and you can feel confident that you know exactly what to say to any response you get. So think positive positive positive, and settle this once and for all is my advice !! Otherwise, you will carry on like you are. Of course, you could just distance yourself from her, and not approach the subject again - but I think you want closure here !?! ~:C:~ __________________ ~:Charmed:~ If you would do it in another life, do it in this one!