What have you done to improve yourself since the breakup?

I guess this is a way for all of us to reflect on the positive things we have done for ourselves since being dumped (in my case). In the two months since my wife left me I have dropped 3 pant sizes entered a masters program, gotten a new job, have been running 5-6 days a week and am going to do a marathon later this year (never have before), have been seeing a therapist once a week for the whole two months to resolve issues within myself and have come very far in self discovery and recovery. I have also mended fences with family members and gotten reaquainted with lost friends. I feel like I am doing everything right for myself and it is starting to pay off. While I still am having great difficulty getting over her I am having more and more moments of happiness. At first all these things I was doing didn't make me feel any better but I knew it would be better for me in the long run. BTW I have not spoken to her in over a month. A few brief text messages but nothing more. I doubt she will ever come back but I know I have become a better person since. Now if I could just get over her.

So what kind of things have you done for yourself to improve and make yourself happier? I would really like to hear. Maybe give each other and some new people ideas to help.

Hello Drifter,

I can realise it hurts like nothing else. But thats the way to go. Improve yourself, reflect on the positives in your life at the moment, and try to move on.

Yes, there is something missing in life when the one you love is not with you, but well.. thats life.

I myself went thru a break up around one year back, and it still hurts just as bad as it did that day one year back. Perhaps the most painful thing is to see your love walk away from you slowly into the horizon, and knowing that he never loved you like you did...

Anyways,

Thats what I have been doing.. improve yourself, invest in yourself, you only have one life, and you cannot throw it away for someone who did not care to turn back to you, but walked away from you all the while knowing how bad he had hurt you.

Just try to capture your moments, seize all your happiness, and don't even shy away from your pain.. Its ok. It hurts. You learn...

I wish you happiness and the joy of togetherness with someone who will claim you as their prize.. not give you love since you love her too.

Drifter,

I could nearly copy and paste your message as my own, although I would make the following changes:

I am back in school, although not for my masters, for my Bachelors. I am in the best shape since I was in highschool, and I really must say I can see a big difference. If I could just get rid of these grey hairs

I have been doing anything I can to keep my mind off her. Therapy has helped out a bit, and this message board has been a great release point as well. I am cureently seeing a counselor once a week for an hour. I just wish it didn't cost so darn much!!

I take it a day at a time, and am hoping for the best. I have to believe she will see the changes in me.....

Although I am not in the same situation you two are in, I think it's a wonderful thing that both of you have focused on bettering your own lives. It's nice to see that something so good can come out of a tough situation. Stay strong you two and I wish you the best of luck with everything.

My previous message was for Drifter and Hoping&Praying.

santana12...good words of encouragement

Way to go! You've both done an amazing job.

It's only been 3 1/2 weeks for me. (seems like longer). 2+ weeks since no contact (again, seems like longer).

Since the break-up, I've done a LOT of self reflection, and have read a lot of really good books.

I've been seeing a therapist (understand about that money thing), but I'm not sure if I'm seeing results yet. Those sessions are hard. I've started to realize that things weren't as perfect as I thought. I tend to focus on the good stuff and ignore any warning signs, he tended to only focus on the bad stuff ('cause nobody is perfect -- even me!) while not balancing that out with the good stuff.

I've lost 12 lbs (the silver lining), and have signed up for a triathlon this fall. Training starts next week -- that will sure keep me busy!

I've spent some very fun time with my son -- we've gone to the movies on Friday night, as well as camping last weekend, with plans to go camping this weekend as well. I'm planning a big hockey play-off watching party for next weekend (anybody in San Jose is welcome to attend!).

This past week I've refocused my efforts on getting a permanent job -- things are looking good at the company I'm at now -- they want me to stay until probably mid-October === with a possibility of longer.

I'm trying to plan a vacation for the week that was supposed to be my honeymoon (this is a tough one), and am trying to come up with something for my birthday (early June). The key thing I'm doing is staying busy busy busy.

Good idea for a thread ... instead of focusing on what we're doing to try to get someone back, or how bad we're feeling, it's nice to reflect on positive steps.

Like most of you, I've lost some weight (although I can't say it was through exercise and discipline - it was mainly just that I didn't eat much for a couple weeks!) - probably 10 or 12 pounds. I've been going to therapy weekly and really looking at what makes me feel so dependent on my ex. I've been spending a lot of time with family and have planned a trip to California this month. I am seeking out new things like planning to take some cooking classes and learn Italian. I've gotten several books that I plan to delve into - not self help books (except one), mostly just novels that will take me away from my own problems. I have talked with a co-worker about getting together for dinner (a girl, but it's nice to make a new friend). I'm working on getting a car, which is a big step because right now I don't drive. Basically I'm just setting small goals and trying to do new things.

I can't say I'm over my ex yet ... it's only been about 2 months. I'm still thinking about him constantly and I still cry a lot. But I at least have moments of feeling hopeful and positive.

Well at least we are all headed in the right direction.. Thanks for the kind words Christi!!

Sugarplum.... Start eatting girl. If you want to loose weight don't do it by not eatting!! Keep your head up we all will be in other relationships before we know it and we must remember to build on what we have learned. Just because things get better we need to continue to have "US" time and not get so wrapped up in getting happiness from another that we loose our focus...

Thank god for this message board!!! :

H&P, I think you misunderstood me .... I didn't say I'm not eating. I was not eating as much for the first couple weeks after my breakup, but I am eating normally now. And in fact, I never went too long without eating even during those 2 weeks ... I know it is important to stay healthy. It's just that I didn't eat as much as I did before, and I lost some weight. Cooking and eating are two of my favorite things, so I would never give that up for long.

The point of my post was that I've been doing positive things since my breakup. Losing weight was not the primary thing, but rather, a side effect that ended up being positive because I feel better at this weight than I did before.

Its been over six weeks for me and im still far from where i need to be emotionaly. Going from living with the one you love to living alone is a hard adjustment. Coming to this board and reading posts like this has helped a lot. The feelings of lonliness are hard to deal with, but at least i know im not alone in feeling this way.

I only have a few dumbells, but ive been doing everything i can to get in better shape ... pushups, situps, etc. Also been taking my dog for a nice long walk in the park every day. I almost enjoy it as much as her . Just fixed my bike too, now i just need to get off my butt and start riding it. Also some frisbee golf a few times a week.

Not sure if this is a good thing, because im starting to feel a bit compulsive about it, but i've been cleaning like a mad man. The house has been pretty much spotless. I never made my bed prolly since i was little, but its made everyday now. Dishes never get pilled up, nothing laying around, etc. Im currently in the process of cleaning all my window blinds ( 2 down and only about 10 more to go ) Next week I'll paint my bedroom, just havent picked the right color yet.

Mentally its been hard. So much time alone im not use to, I still end up thinking about what i lost. Been working hard on posative reflections. Just telling myself 'its life' 'it happens' 'learn from it and move on' 'dont dwell on the past' ... just posative reinforcment stuff like that. It seems to help alot whenever i start feeling down.

Also been hanging out with friends as much as i can. Contacting old ones i havent talked with in a while. Going out every every few nights or so to get back in the social scene, but thats been getting a bit to expensive, so maybe i'll just have to stick to the weekends.

With all this, i still feel im way to bored and need more to do. So what else have ya'll been doing?

... and as Hoping&praying said, "Thank god for this message board!!!"

It is rough. two months and I still cry every day. I thought guys werent supposed to cry? I reacted to all of this by going 100 miles an hour. I now do yoga and aikido once a week. I also joined a coed social football leauge. With summer hear you could join a social softball league. Sicnce you live in a house you could try a garden of some sort. My therapist recommends that I should try things with more social interaction. I agree but I am not sure if I am quite ready to be party boy again. Not sure if I want to be. I have leaned heavily on family and friends. They all have been geat and supper supportive. But even though she infest most of my thoughts there is only so long your friends and family will want tho hear about it. I am now at the stage where I need to keep more of it in. Just as a side note since I was married (still am technicaly) everyone says be glad I didn't have kids. It annoys me everytime I hear it. I keep reading about breakups here and everone says be glad you weren't married. Ahhhhhh. Well time for more No Contact. BTW does everyone else come up with reasons why they should contact the other. I mean justify breaking it. What about after they text message you to see what is up? Sorry for the rambling I am just confused and hurting like everone else here.

Well at first I had big plans to diet and after four days of starvation, said the hell with THAT. Anyway, I only weigh about 135, so its not like I really needed to diet. But women tend to immediately think "diet!" after a break-up...the things I actually followed through on are a) trying to get my freelance writing career going, and b) going to more social events.

I've actually gotten my first paying client now, and I also met a cute guy yesterday at a party up in the mountains! But that wasn't the best part of the party - the band invited me up to sing, and I did, and got lots of compliments! So, it was a pretty fun day.

I still miss the ex, though, and I had to deal with a real wave of anger tonight because he was supposed to call me this evening and never did. But - let me get back to thinking about the happy thoughts above!

To you all, I commend you for starting your life fresh, It PROVIDES PROMISE and a new look on life!

For me I guess I ahve been depressed about nothing and letting little things get to me. Time to let go move on and feel alive again. I miss having fun . I forgot what that felt like in the past and now it is a shame. Time to turn around my way of thinking. I lived in the past too much.

Best to you all,

Fantasia

I will Not feel sorry for myself anymore.

Hello everybody.

I think after the break up it is really important to work on ourselves, especially after they've dumped us...but I don't like the expression "to become BETTER" - as if we were not good enough? I gave everything I could (read: too much) because I was and probably still am in love with this guy...if I have to learn now, how to give less, all these strategies how to keep a guy interested and not become a doormat, will I be "better" then? I want somebody to love me as I am, not as a person I can become...

Anyways, I think this was just a matter of expression (english isn't my native language)...I think that we should work on ourselves, too...but in order to make ourselves happier, more self-confident, not to become "better" (for them).

So, what have I done in these six weeks?

After some days at my friend's, because I just couldn't bear the loneliness, I started to exercise 4 times a week. Lost some weight naturally, and also went to an esthetic treatment. Actually I consider myself a real catch "characterwise', so I couldn't think of anything else that was wrong with me but my looks. Stupid, I know, and my friends still keep on telling me there is nothing wrong with me, and I do get some attention from other men...but I guess I just feel deep down inside that if I only was even prettier ... - I know this isn't really the reason why he didn't love me, maybe it has nothing to do with me, but you can imagine that I have to blame something, don't I?

Maybe I also wanted to prove myself something similar by going to get some photomodel pics taken - yes, I did some modelling basically for myself, just to see myself "through art", hoping to see somebody else than I feel! And some of the photos are amazing indeed, I can hardly recognize myself. I look at this sexy and beautiful blond and wonder why the h**l do I feel this ugly and bad? So unlovable.

I've talked lots with my friends, a therapist...read self help books, novels, watched movies that reflect the same hurting I feel inside. And naturally this forum - I'm deeply thankful for my friend for telling me about this! You guys through your comments surely make me feel better!

And I've started to be really creative - I've started to write again...last time I pretended to write a novel myself was after my last break up, ages ago. I have to say art really is a great way to express all these feelings that appear when you suffer...how do you think all great novels and pieces of art in general were born?

Sometimes I think I'm even "glad" I can feel this pain...if I didn't, would I feel this alive? I mean life is not just about being happy, sad feelings are true as well. Naturally I wish I could find happiness again, I guess I feel even if I don't see that right now...most of all I wish I could learn to accept myself and feel lovable again, just as I am. I don't "need' to become better, just feel better.

Take care and thanks 4 being there,

Princesa

princesa, I understand your point about 'needing to become better.' And that if they didnt love us for who we are then it wasnt meant to be anyway.

But the feelings of 'needing' to better myself come from the void i was left with. Right now, im not the same person i was. I was happy in love and now im stuck in love with someone who left me. Doing things to better myself help fill this gap and gain back alot of self confidence i lost. And when the pain is gone, I can look at myself as having lived, learned, and gained something. I dont want to come out of this still feeling I lost in love.

Its not that i have to change for 'her' so she can see im different and want me back. I think im now resigned to the fact that she will never want me back. So ultimatly im doing this for myself, even though right now i may be using her as some sort of motivation. Im not changeing for her, but improving upon the things that I think can make me a better person.

As for who i am, I know im a great guy. Probably the greatest guy she'll ever meet (in my mind anyways But i think theirs always room for improvement (in everyone). Im not changing who i am, just making who i am even better.

I have been finding the social stuff very hard. I'm in alone tonight for example

BUT I have been devouring books related to the relationship I had (commitmentphobe man, and me loving too much) and realised it was a recipe for disaster, or at least dissatisfaction. That has moved me along from the "why, why, why" stage, which has got to be the worst one.

like everyone here, i'm slowly getting back my life on track...I'm starting to see the big pictures as to why things happened the way it happen...I'm able to focus on my job and I must admit sometimes I find myself reminiscening for about a second or two and I would snap out of it...good luck everyone!!!