I feel more like a spectator rather than a member of society

korruption · 04-24-2004, 11:40 PM

(This is sort of a combination of relationship and self-analysis so I stuck this topic in here)

New here obviously. I was browsing around the net looking for a place just like this after playing a long game of Diablo II while listening to some music, while my good ol friend depression has been kicking my *** the whole day.

It's of course not easy for me to share my problems with a lot of people I don't know here, but I feel that I've lost so much hope that I just don't care anymore.

Where to start... 21 years old now, I don't have a girlfriend, I have sort of an autistic syndrome called asperger's, and I'm still fighting my shyness. I have had depression before but nowadays it seems to be reaching severe levels.

'Talking to friends might help' you might say. Fat chance, I have no friends really. Well I do have one, a bit of a strange and unique person, but we have similar interests and we usually play games and stuff together. Good guy really, who seems to have luck and fortune served to him every 5 seconds on a daily basis. But he does have his bad sides, can be difficult to get along with most of the time. But anyways, this not being about him specifically I will move along.

Here's my big problem:

I believe I have trust issues, where I believe a person secretly dislikes me and just pretends to like me to either humor me, or see how long they can play with my head 'till they step on my feelings. One of my friends is a girl, who I'm not sure is even a friend any more. Used to be a tutor of mine, then we became "friends" she already has a boyfriend but that's cool with me. I don't (and likely never will) have a girlfriend so I have tried so hard to be nice, considerate, and as caring as I possibly could, in order to possiblly discourage her from ignoring me like the other backstabbers.

I had lunch with her at a nearby restaurant. She is very- almost too talkitive. But I don't talk too much so I can always find something to relate to and chat about in her machine-gun rambling. So there isn't much of a problem there. The problem stemmed when she mentioned her boyfriend would be coming over to my house later, I wouldn't have a problem with this if she had mentioned before that day that he might be joining us for a moment or so, cause he seems like a pretty nice guy. I just went with it and didn't ask her why. But anyways, we got back to my house and watched a movie, she seemed to enjoy it, then she left shortly after.

Now the said problem seemed to have gotten worse after the boyfriend picked her up and I was left alone again. I was wondering "why would she just invite the guy over like that?" I knew that no matter how nice and considerate I've been toward her, she would still find some way to mistrust me. I did write her an e-mail Explaining how I understand that she has a boyfriend, and that I would never want to stand between her and him. I don't know if she really thought that I would or not, but I had to get it out of the way. Her internet doesn't work so I don't think she was able to read the message yet. After I sent the e-mail, I went into a panic, wondering if that was really a smart move or not.

I have tried calling her twice, and no calls were returned.

I guess the point to this long ramble is that I am always feeling ignored by my "friends", and everyone else they would never e-mail, call, or talk to me unless I contacted them first, and it's been that way with EVERYONE I have met. It seems everyone else around me has friends that matter to them and those friends feel the same way. But not me, and it's been like this my whole life. Even on the internet.

I feel more like a spectator, rather than a member of society most of the time.

Well that's all out of me for now, sorry about the long post.

TheRock · 04-25-2004, 12:18 AM

Hey Korruption,

I hope you feel better soon. I read about your AS condition. I don't know how severe it is, but i realize this causes you additional problems in relating to people. I don't understand what you are going through, but I can say that you need to be your own best friend. Even though you have a condition that many other people do not share, it does not mean that you are not as good as anyone else. Do not ever let yourself think that; try not to put yourself down.
Also, just be yourself around other people. Don't try too hard to be thier friend. People can sense when you are trying too hard, and it tends to put them off. Other people will like you or they will not. It happens to all of us no matter how nice we are. It is just human nature that some people don't get along with others. try not to take things personally. Anyway, remember that to feel good about yourself is something you need to work on in your head. Other people can't make you feel good about yourself.
Take care.

1Adam12 · 04-25-2004, 01:06 AM

Hi Korruption,

I'm coming up on 20 and have no gf either and I have a relative who I think may have AS and I've read up on this and I don't call it a disease cause thats what it isn't because you'd be suprised how many people that have AS go on to be just fine... TheRock made a good point when he wrote you have to be your own best friend..its as simple as that..because if you can't do that how can you sustain a relationship with someone..maybe you shouldn't play Diablo II as much..your missing out on life just playing a game and your friend with all the good fortune well you never know how things could turn out for him..who says that can't happen to you..Do you go to college?..try surfing the net to talk to people with AS then maybe they can relate to what your dealing with better. Hope that helps some

Phil

04-24-2004, 11:40 PM	#1
korruption Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Who cares? Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 5	I feel more like a spectator rather than a member of society (This is sort of a combination of relationship and self-analysis so I stuck this topic in here) New here obviously. I was browsing around the net looking for a place just like this after playing a long game of Diablo II while listening to some music, while my good ol friend depression has been kicking my *** the whole day. It's of course not easy for me to share my problems with a lot of people I don't know here, but I feel that I've lost so much hope that I just don't care anymore. Where to start... 21 years old now, I don't have a girlfriend, I have sort of an autistic syndrome called asperger's, and I'm still fighting my shyness. I have had depression before but nowadays it seems to be reaching severe levels. 'Talking to friends might help' you might say. Fat chance, I have no friends really. Well I do have one, a bit of a strange and unique person, but we have similar interests and we usually play games and stuff together. Good guy really, who seems to have luck and fortune served to him every 5 seconds on a daily basis. But he does have his bad sides, can be difficult to get along with most of the time. But anyways, this not being about him specifically I will move along. Here's my big problem: I believe I have trust issues, where I believe a person secretly dislikes me and just pretends to like me to either humor me, or see how long they can play with my head 'till they step on my feelings. One of my friends is a girl, who I'm not sure is even a friend any more. Used to be a tutor of mine, then we became "friends" she already has a boyfriend but that's cool with me. I don't (and likely never will) have a girlfriend so I have tried so hard to be nice, considerate, and as caring as I possibly could, in order to possiblly discourage her from ignoring me like the other backstabbers. I had lunch with her at a nearby restaurant. She is very- almost too talkitive. But I don't talk too much so I can always find something to relate to and chat about in her machine-gun rambling. So there isn't much of a problem there. The problem stemmed when she mentioned her boyfriend would be coming over to my house later, I wouldn't have a problem with this if she had mentioned before that day that he might be joining us for a moment or so, cause he seems like a pretty nice guy. I just went with it and didn't ask her why. But anyways, we got back to my house and watched a movie, she seemed to enjoy it, then she left shortly after. Now the said problem seemed to have gotten worse after the boyfriend picked her up and I was left alone again. I was wondering "why would she just invite the guy over like that?" I knew that no matter how nice and considerate I've been toward her, she would still find some way to mistrust me. I did write her an e-mail Explaining how I understand that she has a boyfriend, and that I would never want to stand between her and him. I don't know if she really thought that I would or not, but I had to get it out of the way. Her internet doesn't work so I don't think she was able to read the message yet. After I sent the e-mail, I went into a panic, wondering if that was really a smart move or not. I have tried calling her twice, and no calls were returned. I guess the point to this long ramble is that I am always feeling ignored by my "friends", and everyone else they would never e-mail, call, or talk to me unless I contacted them first, and it's been that way with EVERYONE I have met. It seems everyone else around me has friends that matter to them and those friends feel the same way. But not me, and it's been like this my whole life. Even on the internet. I feel more like a spectator, rather than a member of society most of the time. Well that's all out of me for now, sorry about the long post. Last edited by kamurj; 11-16-2006 at 04:52 PM.

04-25-2004, 12:18 AM	#2
TheRock Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Age: 40 Posts: 177	Hey Korruption, I hope you feel better soon. I read about your AS condition. I don't know how severe it is, but i realize this causes you additional problems in relating to people. I don't understand what you are going through, but I can say that you need to be your own best friend. Even though you have a condition that many other people do not share, it does not mean that you are not as good as anyone else. Do not ever let yourself think that; try not to put yourself down. Also, just be yourself around other people. Don't try too hard to be thier friend. People can sense when you are trying too hard, and it tends to put them off. Other people will like you or they will not. It happens to all of us no matter how nice we are. It is just human nature that some people don't get along with others. try not to take things personally. Anyway, remember that to feel good about yourself is something you need to work on in your head. Other people can't make you feel good about yourself. Take care. __________________ Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

04-25-2004, 01:06 AM	#3
1Adam12 Offline Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Alabama Age: 25 Posts: 275	Hi Korruption, I'm coming up on 20 and have no gf either and I have a relative who I think may have AS and I've read up on this and I don't call it a disease cause thats what it isn't because you'd be suprised how many people that have AS go on to be just fine... TheRock made a good point when he wrote you have to be your own best friend..its as simple as that..because if you can't do that how can you sustain a relationship with someone..maybe you shouldn't play Diablo II as much..your missing out on life just playing a game and your friend with all the good fortune well you never know how things could turn out for him..who says that can't happen to you..Do you go to college?..try surfing the net to talk to people with AS then maybe they can relate to what your dealing with better. Hope that helps some Phil