Please help... I don't know what to do now...

Lobster · 04-12-2004, 02:08 PM

Hi, this is my first post here so please bear with me if I ramble on a bit, but I could really use some advice...

In February my husband left me. We have/had been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 3 of those. It was a huge shock, as I thought of him as my soul-mate, and always thought he felt the same way. He said there was no-one else involved and I believed him.

I did all the usual things (mistakes?) that many people here seem to have done... calling him, texting him, emailing him, but it pushed him further away. I had quite a bit of time off work as I just couldn't function properly, didn't eat/sleep/get dressed etc, and just generally sunk into a very depressed state. After a few weeks of keeping in contact with him, he said he would give things another try but couldn't guarantee anything. Of course I jumped at the chance. He came over to eat, watch tv, just spend time together, a few times a week. It always seemed things were comfortable between the two of us.

One night he asked if he could use the pc to check something, I didn't think anything of it at the time so said ok. Of course in my paranoid state, I checked the history on the pc after he left... and found the address of a forum he posts on; I knew he was on it before he left but never really thought anything of it at the time... then going back through posts, even as far back as Oct/Nov last year, I saw alot of flirting with one particular member

and this completely shook me up. Alot of the members on his forum had a meetup at the end of March, and I saw a photo of him and this girl together, also a video clip where they are looking very friendly, standing together, her head resting on his cheek...

The next time I saw him I confronted him about it (I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't help it). He looked very shocked (to me it looked like he'd been 'rumbled'), but still denied there was anything going on, they were just friends... then about a week later, I find out they have been out for a meal together on a night he had made excuses not to spend any time with me...

Anyway, one night last week we were both out in the same pub, but not together - he with his friends, me with mine. I bumped into a lad I met last year, at a concert, and he came to sit with me after my friends had left. I had had far too much to drink and I know it was stupid, but I was lonely and wanted some company so I asked him to come home and stay with me - I made it clear from the outset that there were no sexual implications whatsoever, and that I just needed a friend. He did, and we watched tv and talked, I even showed him wedding photos and cried about my predicament. I talked about nothing but my husband... he was understanding and was a good listener. He stayed the night as it was very late, however I stupidly just said, sleep in the bed (I was so drunk and tired I didn't even get the spare bed out). Nothing happened, we just both passed out and slept.

Next day my husband turns up unannounced (every other time he'd call or text first??)... and the other guy is still asleep

. I didn't try to hide that he was there because I didn't think I had done anything wrong, but I did wake him up and say it would be better if he left... I had to stop my husband going after him. He was very angry, I got very upset, trying to explain that it was a knee jerk reaction, that if I hadn't found out about him going for a meal with his 'friend', I might not have felt so low that I had needed someone to keep me company. He said I could have made him sleep on the sofa (a female friend says he is 'splitting hairs' with that one). I got so upset about everything that he even held me while I sobbed, and when he left he kissed me (out of pity??)...

He called over again yesterday. He looked at me as if I was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen, and it hurt so much... he's not sure he can ever forgive me for what I did... I kept saying I only did it because of the way he had hurt me and lied, and that I'd needed company and a listener, and that nothing sexual whatsoever had happened. By the time he left, I felt so hopeless, and that I've completely wrecked any chance there may have been to 'win him back'.

I won't be seeing him again for a few days (if ever again, that is) as he has a business meeting and has to travel, so will be away from the area.

Where do I go from here? I have read alot of posts mentioning the No Contact rule (can't seem to find a definitive explanation/run down of it though?). I realise I have shocked and hurt him, but he did that to me first, and with the benefit of hindsight I now know I reacted in a very stupid way. I love him so much I feel like I'm dead inside, I am feeling just about as low right now as I did the day he left. Suicide has crossed my mind but I cannot hurt my family and friends like that because I love them. I love this man with my heart and soul. I feel like I have lost part of me that can never be replaced, and I don't want a replacement... I'm sorry this post is so long but to get advice I think I needed to present the facts as fully as possible. Please help, I'm so desperately alone and scared...

sugarplum_pdx · 04-12-2004, 04:07 PM

You did nothing wrong by having a male friend sleep over. You didn't do anything sexual with him. Your husband is the one who dumped you, has been hanging out with someone new, etc. ... so how does HE have any right to get mad at YOU? You are blaming yourself for this but you shouldn't be. The guy staying over has nothing to do with why your husband is acting this way ... he probably feels guilty because he knows he hurt you by leaving you, so he's looking for some way to put the blame back on your for why you are not together right now. The truth is probably that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you right now, and this thing about being mad about the guy staying over is just an excuse. He knows he has power over you and he's abusing that.

I'm not saying there's no chance of him ever coming back to you. I think he probably will want to come back at some point. But I question whether you should even take him back. He left you, and has apparently been seeing someone else, and now he's trying to make you feel like YOU did something wrong. I think you deserve better. But I also know how it's easier to say that from the outside. My boyfriend dumped me in early March after I found out he'd started seeing someone else. He said he'd decided our relationship was over but hadn't had the guts to tell me yet. I've definitely wished more than anything that he'd change his mind and want me back, even though everyone has told me I'm better off without him. And I still think he might come back (when the novelty of this new girl wears off). But I don't think I'll take him back because he's a jerk. Nobody who loves you should treat you that way.

Good luck, and try not to internalize everything so that you think it's all your fault. It's not. Remember that he's the one who screwed things up by leaving you.

Lobster · 04-12-2004, 05:01 PM

sugarplum_pdx,

thanks so much for your reply, I am feeling more positive about things already. Now that I see another point of view, I can see how he is using this situation to his advantage, and trying to blame me when I did nothing wrong... a bit silly maybe, but not WRONG. I know you said maybe I shouldn't take him back, but at the moment I love him still and would probably consider it... having said that I am going to try the No Contact approach, and who knows, maybe I'll decide I am better off without him, time will tell. I know it's going to be hard; 9 years is a long time and hard to just 'give up' on, but I think the more I try and hold on to him, the more he'll slip through my fingers. I need to give him a chance to miss me, then maybe he will see that I am the one he truly loves. If not, well, I will become stronger in the process and reinforce the fact in my own head that while I may love him, I don't need him.

I really hope things work out for you too, in the way that you want them to, the way that's best for YOU.

Also, if anyone has a link to the No Contact rule in more detail, I would be very grateful. I have only seen bits here and there and get the general idea, but wondered about timescales/putting it into action/sticking by it, etc.

Thanks to everyone in advance; I feel like I'm not alone anymore

.

sugarplum_pdx · 04-12-2004, 05:49 PM

That is exactly what I've told myself ... that I will just give it time, and hope that after some time passes, I won't want to be with him anymore. Right now I still have a lot of emotion for him because we were together over 3 years and just broke up a month ago. But rationally, I know that he's not a good person for me to be with anymore, because I don't think he'll ever change. Maybe your guy will ... you never know.

And I also have told myself the same thing about not needing him ... I am fine without him. I can live on my own. I have a nice apartment, and friends and family. I still WANT someone in my life and have feelings for my ex, but don't NEED him.

As for the no contact rule, I don't think it is meant to be a hard-and-fast rule that applies to everyone. All situations are different. I think the general idea is what's important: Don't keep contacting him, because you'll just make yourself feel worse when he doesn't respond the way you want him to, and you'll also make him pull away. I don't think the timeframe matters exactly. Some say 60 days, but then what? You can contact him after 60 days and everything will magically be okay? I don't think so. I have contacted my ex, but only in a casual way, and don't expect anything to change. If I didn't contact him specifically in hopes of changing his mind about things, that would probably backfire anyway so I'm not doing that. I'm just playing it by ear and keeping in mind that he's a jerk and I can't depend on him in any way right now.

Lobster · 04-12-2004, 06:23 PM

I think you're right, that I just need to give it time. I'm not going to kid myself that the No Contact approach will make him come running back with his arms wide open; however I will use it as the opportunity to strengthen myself emotionally; to realise that there is life after being dumped. Who wants a desperate, clingy, fragile person when they have previously always been happy, funny and good to be around?

One thing I am puzzled about though is, he hasn't once mentioned divorce, he is still paying towards the mortgage payments on the house (though not anything else), and hasn't even mentioned going to a solicitor or whatever, which is a bit confusing; I mean if he really wants to be away from me, he would have at least made some enquiries about things like this? I don't know... maybe he's scared that he'd be doing the wrong thing, and that he should wait a while?

Anyway, I am still going to try NC, and just see what happens. I'll keep updating here with my progress, in the meantime any opinions/advice/pm's would be gratefully received.

DaisyB · 04-12-2004, 06:37 PM

Hi, Lobster. . .

Sugarplum's right. . . you haven't done anything wrong here. It's your husband who wanted to leave. She's also right in saying that the guy who stayed over has nothing to do with the relationship between you and your husband. . . it sounds like there are much deeper issues here.

I'm glad you're going with NC for a while. . . that should give you both some space to heal and think things over. Let us know how you're doing. I'll be thinking about you.

Lobster · 04-12-2004, 07:12 PM

Thanks DaisyB,

seeing as none of our mutual 'friends' (apart from 2) have been in touch with me since this happened (I met them through him anyway, and left the area I originally grew up in to be with him, so I kind of don't really have any of my 'own', apart from a good friend I msn with as she lives hundreds of miles away), it's so comforting to know there are people out there who care

. I'm also lucky that have my family close by, and they are very supportive. I will keep everyone posted on my progress, and also wish everyone the best of luck in their own similar/differing situations, too.

Lobster · 04-13-2004, 06:04 AM

Can anyone advise what to do about the practical things, such as, if any items of post arrive here for him? I was thinking I should just post them on to his parents' house (where he is living now)?

Also, there are still things in the house belonging to him (which he has said he doesn't have room for at their place) - do I pack them away? Ask him to come and get them? Seeing as he is still paying towards the house, I know he would say something like "it's still my house too, I can't take all these things yet, I don't have anywhere to put them". I did put most things away after he'd gone, just to avoid having to see them everywhere I looked - maybe I should just leave things like that until whatever happens, happens?

I just want to make sure I do NC as best as I can, and have no reason to contact him...

All suggestions welcome...

Lobster · 04-13-2004, 01:06 PM

Okay... he called round today (unannounced, AGAIN) wanting some of his 'work related stationery' (as I said before there are still some of his things here). My parents had rang a few minutes before and were on their way to see me, so I told him this (incase he wanted to avoid them

)... and what a surprise, he made his excuses and left very quickly. So, I didn't have a chance to ask him what I should do about his mail and things.

Do I do what I said in my other post, ie, send mail on to his parents' house? I have started NC in my own mind, but he came over and I couldn't really do anything about that...

Also, I'm wondering why he came over exactly? The stuff he wanted to pick up could be bought almost anywhere for a few pounds... was he trying to catch me 'up to something'? Or spying on me?

sugarplum_pdx · 04-13-2004, 01:55 PM

Ha, I'm sure he didn't want to be there when your parents got there ... talk about awkward. My ex wanted to stay far away when my family was coming to help me move out of the house we shared ... he said he knew he had been a complete ass, and the last thing he wanted was to run into my mother. As it ended up, I moved out one day while he was at work, without even telling him ... I just wanted him to have to come home to an empty house unexpectedly.

Anyway, I would say you should either send his mail to his parents house, or get together his stuff and leave it on the porch or something for him to pick up when you're not home. There's no reason you have to see him at this point.

Who knows why he popped in like that ... he may have wanted to check up on you, or maybe he just feels he has the right to do that because he still thinks of it as his house ...

Just try to ignore him for now. I know it's not easy. But I've found that I definitely feel better when I haven't had any contact with my ex for several days. I *think* I want to talk to him, but then when I do, he just makes me feel worse. So I'm trying to remember that when I get the urge to speak to him. Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lobster

Okay... he called round today (unannounced, AGAIN) wanting some of his 'work related stationery' (as I said before there are still some of his things here). My parents had rang a few minutes before and were on their way to see me, so I told him this (incase he wanted to avoid them

)... and what a surprise, he made his excuses and left very quickly. So, I didn't have a chance to ask him what I should do about his mail and things.

Do I do what I said in my other post, ie, send mail on to his parents' house? I have started NC in my own mind, but he came over and I couldn't really do anything about that...

Also, I'm wondering why he came over exactly? The stuff he wanted to pick up could be bought almost anywhere for a few pounds... was he trying to catch me 'up to something'? Or spying on me?

04-12-2004, 02:08 PM	#1
Lobster Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 77	Please help... I don't know what to do now... Hi, this is my first post here so please bear with me if I ramble on a bit, but I could really use some advice... In February my husband left me. We have/had been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 3 of those. It was a huge shock, as I thought of him as my soul-mate, and always thought he felt the same way. He said there was no-one else involved and I believed him. I did all the usual things (mistakes?) that many people here seem to have done... calling him, texting him, emailing him, but it pushed him further away. I had quite a bit of time off work as I just couldn't function properly, didn't eat/sleep/get dressed etc, and just generally sunk into a very depressed state. After a few weeks of keeping in contact with him, he said he would give things another try but couldn't guarantee anything. Of course I jumped at the chance. He came over to eat, watch tv, just spend time together, a few times a week. It always seemed things were comfortable between the two of us. One night he asked if he could use the pc to check something, I didn't think anything of it at the time so said ok. Of course in my paranoid state, I checked the history on the pc after he left... and found the address of a forum he posts on; I knew he was on it before he left but never really thought anything of it at the time... then going back through posts, even as far back as Oct/Nov last year, I saw alot of flirting with one particular member and this completely shook me up. Alot of the members on his forum had a meetup at the end of March, and I saw a photo of him and this girl together, also a video clip where they are looking very friendly, standing together, her head resting on his cheek... The next time I saw him I confronted him about it (I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't help it). He looked very shocked (to me it looked like he'd been 'rumbled'), but still denied there was anything going on, they were just friends... then about a week later, I find out they have been out for a meal together on a night he had made excuses not to spend any time with me... Anyway, one night last week we were both out in the same pub, but not together - he with his friends, me with mine. I bumped into a lad I met last year, at a concert, and he came to sit with me after my friends had left. I had had far too much to drink and I know it was stupid, but I was lonely and wanted some company so I asked him to come home and stay with me - I made it clear from the outset that there were no sexual implications whatsoever, and that I just needed a friend. He did, and we watched tv and talked, I even showed him wedding photos and cried about my predicament. I talked about nothing but my husband... he was understanding and was a good listener. He stayed the night as it was very late, however I stupidly just said, sleep in the bed (I was so drunk and tired I didn't even get the spare bed out). Nothing happened, we just both passed out and slept. Next day my husband turns up unannounced (every other time he'd call or text first??)... and the other guy is still asleep . I didn't try to hide that he was there because I didn't think I had done anything wrong, but I did wake him up and say it would be better if he left... I had to stop my husband going after him. He was very angry, I got very upset, trying to explain that it was a knee jerk reaction, that if I hadn't found out about him going for a meal with his 'friend', I might not have felt so low that I had needed someone to keep me company. He said I could have made him sleep on the sofa (a female friend says he is 'splitting hairs' with that one). I got so upset about everything that he even held me while I sobbed, and when he left he kissed me (out of pity??)... He called over again yesterday. He looked at me as if I was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen, and it hurt so much... he's not sure he can ever forgive me for what I did... I kept saying I only did it because of the way he had hurt me and lied, and that I'd needed company and a listener, and that nothing sexual whatsoever had happened. By the time he left, I felt so hopeless, and that I've completely wrecked any chance there may have been to 'win him back'. I won't be seeing him again for a few days (if ever again, that is) as he has a business meeting and has to travel, so will be away from the area. Where do I go from here? I have read alot of posts mentioning the No Contact rule (can't seem to find a definitive explanation/run down of it though?). I realise I have shocked and hurt him, but he did that to me first, and with the benefit of hindsight I now know I reacted in a very stupid way. I love him so much I feel like I'm dead inside, I am feeling just about as low right now as I did the day he left. Suicide has crossed my mind but I cannot hurt my family and friends like that because I love them. I love this man with my heart and soul. I feel like I have lost part of me that can never be replaced, and I don't want a replacement... I'm sorry this post is so long but to get advice I think I needed to present the facts as fully as possible. Please help, I'm so desperately alone and scared...

04-12-2004, 04:07 PM	#2
sugarplum_pdx Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Portland, OR Age: 37 Posts: 31	You did nothing wrong by having a male friend sleep over. You didn't do anything sexual with him. Your husband is the one who dumped you, has been hanging out with someone new, etc. ... so how does HE have any right to get mad at YOU? You are blaming yourself for this but you shouldn't be. The guy staying over has nothing to do with why your husband is acting this way ... he probably feels guilty because he knows he hurt you by leaving you, so he's looking for some way to put the blame back on your for why you are not together right now. The truth is probably that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you right now, and this thing about being mad about the guy staying over is just an excuse. He knows he has power over you and he's abusing that. I'm not saying there's no chance of him ever coming back to you. I think he probably will want to come back at some point. But I question whether you should even take him back. He left you, and has apparently been seeing someone else, and now he's trying to make you feel like YOU did something wrong. I think you deserve better. But I also know how it's easier to say that from the outside. My boyfriend dumped me in early March after I found out he'd started seeing someone else. He said he'd decided our relationship was over but hadn't had the guts to tell me yet. I've definitely wished more than anything that he'd change his mind and want me back, even though everyone has told me I'm better off without him. And I still think he might come back (when the novelty of this new girl wears off). But I don't think I'll take him back because he's a jerk. Nobody who loves you should treat you that way. Good luck, and try not to internalize everything so that you think it's all your fault. It's not. Remember that he's the one who screwed things up by leaving you.

04-12-2004, 05:01 PM	#3
Lobster Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 77	sugarplum_pdx, thanks so much for your reply, I am feeling more positive about things already. Now that I see another point of view, I can see how he is using this situation to his advantage, and trying to blame me when I did nothing wrong... a bit silly maybe, but not WRONG. I know you said maybe I shouldn't take him back, but at the moment I love him still and would probably consider it... having said that I am going to try the No Contact approach, and who knows, maybe I'll decide I am better off without him, time will tell. I know it's going to be hard; 9 years is a long time and hard to just 'give up' on, but I think the more I try and hold on to him, the more he'll slip through my fingers. I need to give him a chance to miss me, then maybe he will see that I am the one he truly loves. If not, well, I will become stronger in the process and reinforce the fact in my own head that while I may love him, I don't need him. I really hope things work out for you too, in the way that you want them to, the way that's best for YOU. Also, if anyone has a link to the No Contact rule in more detail, I would be very grateful. I have only seen bits here and there and get the general idea, but wondered about timescales/putting it into action/sticking by it, etc. Thanks to everyone in advance; I feel like I'm not alone anymore .

04-12-2004, 05:49 PM	#4
sugarplum_pdx Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Portland, OR Age: 37 Posts: 31	That is exactly what I've told myself ... that I will just give it time, and hope that after some time passes, I won't want to be with him anymore. Right now I still have a lot of emotion for him because we were together over 3 years and just broke up a month ago. But rationally, I know that he's not a good person for me to be with anymore, because I don't think he'll ever change. Maybe your guy will ... you never know. And I also have told myself the same thing about not needing him ... I am fine without him. I can live on my own. I have a nice apartment, and friends and family. I still WANT someone in my life and have feelings for my ex, but don't NEED him. As for the no contact rule, I don't think it is meant to be a hard-and-fast rule that applies to everyone. All situations are different. I think the general idea is what's important: Don't keep contacting him, because you'll just make yourself feel worse when he doesn't respond the way you want him to, and you'll also make him pull away. I don't think the timeframe matters exactly. Some say 60 days, but then what? You can contact him after 60 days and everything will magically be okay? I don't think so. I have contacted my ex, but only in a casual way, and don't expect anything to change. If I didn't contact him specifically in hopes of changing his mind about things, that would probably backfire anyway so I'm not doing that. I'm just playing it by ear and keeping in mind that he's a jerk and I can't depend on him in any way right now.

04-12-2004, 06:23 PM	#5
Lobster Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 77	I think you're right, that I just need to give it time. I'm not going to kid myself that the No Contact approach will make him come running back with his arms wide open; however I will use it as the opportunity to strengthen myself emotionally; to realise that there is life after being dumped. Who wants a desperate, clingy, fragile person when they have previously always been happy, funny and good to be around? One thing I am puzzled about though is, he hasn't once mentioned divorce, he is still paying towards the mortgage payments on the house (though not anything else), and hasn't even mentioned going to a solicitor or whatever, which is a bit confusing; I mean if he really wants to be away from me, he would have at least made some enquiries about things like this? I don't know... maybe he's scared that he'd be doing the wrong thing, and that he should wait a while? Anyway, I am still going to try NC, and just see what happens. I'll keep updating here with my progress, in the meantime any opinions/advice/pm's would be gratefully received.

04-12-2004, 06:37 PM	#6
DaisyB Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: USA Age: 39 Posts: 96	Hi, Lobster. . . Sugarplum's right. . . you haven't done anything wrong here. It's your husband who wanted to leave. She's also right in saying that the guy who stayed over has nothing to do with the relationship between you and your husband. . . it sounds like there are much deeper issues here. I'm glad you're going with NC for a while. . . that should give you both some space to heal and think things over. Let us know how you're doing. I'll be thinking about you.

04-12-2004, 07:12 PM	#7
Lobster Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 77	Thanks DaisyB, seeing as none of our mutual 'friends' (apart from 2) have been in touch with me since this happened (I met them through him anyway, and left the area I originally grew up in to be with him, so I kind of don't really have any of my 'own', apart from a good friend I msn with as she lives hundreds of miles away), it's so comforting to know there are people out there who care . I'm also lucky that have my family close by, and they are very supportive. I will keep everyone posted on my progress, and also wish everyone the best of luck in their own similar/differing situations, too.

04-13-2004, 06:04 AM	#8
Lobster Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 77	Can anyone advise what to do about the practical things, such as, if any items of post arrive here for him? I was thinking I should just post them on to his parents' house (where he is living now)? Also, there are still things in the house belonging to him (which he has said he doesn't have room for at their place) - do I pack them away? Ask him to come and get them? Seeing as he is still paying towards the house, I know he would say something like "it's still my house too, I can't take all these things yet, I don't have anywhere to put them". I did put most things away after he'd gone, just to avoid having to see them everywhere I looked - maybe I should just leave things like that until whatever happens, happens? I just want to make sure I do NC as best as I can, and have no reason to contact him... All suggestions welcome...

04-13-2004, 01:06 PM	#9
Lobster Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 77	Okay... he called round today (unannounced, AGAIN) wanting some of his 'work related stationery' (as I said before there are still some of his things here). My parents had rang a few minutes before and were on their way to see me, so I told him this (incase he wanted to avoid them )... and what a surprise, he made his excuses and left very quickly. So, I didn't have a chance to ask him what I should do about his mail and things. Do I do what I said in my other post, ie, send mail on to his parents' house? I have started NC in my own mind, but he came over and I couldn't really do anything about that... Also, I'm wondering why he came over exactly? The stuff he wanted to pick up could be bought almost anywhere for a few pounds... was he trying to catch me 'up to something'? Or spying on me?