Wanting to much to soon

JN · 04-12-2004, 11:53 AM

Mr.X and I have been together almost 1 year, every thing in our relationship seems to be to good to be true, we spend almost every moment of our time together, live about 6 houses apart, we have been friends 7 years, our kids go to school together, they are inseparable. My problem is this; His son is still unaware that we are dating. It hurts to sneak around and it is becoming more and more difficult for me to do this. I'm at the point now where I am ready to commit to a full time adult relationship with him; he is every thing I have ever wanted and more. I want it all, well not to get married, but I want to quit playing games I want full commitment. The way I see it is this, every night we wait for the kids to go to bed, then we climb in bed together, and every morning before the kids get up he leaves the room. I hate sneaking; it makes me feel like we are doing some thing wrong. Why do we waist an extra $1500-1800 a month having two houses, fear? What is he so afraid of? He said his son is not ready and to trust him, be patient and give him time. Am I missing some thing here?

Princess777 · 04-12-2004, 12:30 PM

Well my first reaction was to tell you that kids are smarter than we give them credit for. His son knows that he is dating you, it's common sense if you're around him. I don't think the problem lies with his son. I think the problem lies with his willingness/fear to commit. I think he is using his son as an excuse which is sad. Instead of being upset about it, just talk to him about it but try not to nag.... it's plain to see that he is not ready to take that step, unfortunately. I'm sure you've already asked him why he doesn't want to tell his son about your relationship, but next time you talk with him about this, tell him that his son is not stupid, he's smart enough to know that if you're around, his daddy likes you. Tell him if he doesn't believe you, to just ask the child. (something like, "what do you think of *your name here*?). I don't know how old the child is, but kids need to know the truth. I suspect that the child still has contact with his mom and most likely, your boyfriend does too. This is probably where it all hinges. If he did not have contact with the mom, he would not mind at all. At least I can't think of any reason why he would mind.
I had a similar situation when I was single..... the guy kept saying that he didn't know what he wanted to do because he wanted what was best for his son..... come to find out it was a load of crap but I don't know if that is your case. If you've been with him a year and he hasn't told his son, there's something wrong with that picture. Have you met your b/f parents? Take a step back and look at reality and see if he's playing you...... I hope not!!!! Maybe I'm not like most people but I think being honest is the best thing anyone can do.

vitalcoaching · 05-21-2004, 08:37 AM

Hi,

I believe that timing and context can make a huge difference when having a conversation with him:

You can set up a special time to talk about thsi specific topic. You can say something like: "There is something i need to share with you but i really need time and space to do it right..."

Then set aside on a fixed time and day at least 30-60 min to check this out.

check this link for ideas on how to do this:

vitalcoaching.com/free/coupleforum.htm

Get some drinks, get confortable and simply say what you feel, and ask about his own needs and desires.

Right now, you are ready. He is holding back. Find out exactly what's happening in his mind. If he has fears or other plans, find out exactly what they are.

No pressure, no demand, simply an open shraing of ideas and wishes.

Good luck and stay in touch

vitalcoach

04-12-2004, 11:53 AM	#1
JN Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Indiana Age: 32 Posts: 3	Wanting to much to soon Mr.X and I have been together almost 1 year, every thing in our relationship seems to be to good to be true, we spend almost every moment of our time together, live about 6 houses apart, we have been friends 7 years, our kids go to school together, they are inseparable. My problem is this; His son is still unaware that we are dating. It hurts to sneak around and it is becoming more and more difficult for me to do this. I'm at the point now where I am ready to commit to a full time adult relationship with him; he is every thing I have ever wanted and more. I want it all, well not to get married, but I want to quit playing games I want full commitment. The way I see it is this, every night we wait for the kids to go to bed, then we climb in bed together, and every morning before the kids get up he leaves the room. I hate sneaking; it makes me feel like we are doing some thing wrong. Why do we waist an extra $1500-1800 a month having two houses, fear? What is he so afraid of? He said his son is not ready and to trust him, be patient and give him time. Am I missing some thing here?

04-12-2004, 12:30 PM	#2
Princess777 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: The South Gender: Female Posts: 751	Well my first reaction was to tell you that kids are smarter than we give them credit for. His son knows that he is dating you, it's common sense if you're around him. I don't think the problem lies with his son. I think the problem lies with his willingness/fear to commit. I think he is using his son as an excuse which is sad. Instead of being upset about it, just talk to him about it but try not to nag.... it's plain to see that he is not ready to take that step, unfortunately. I'm sure you've already asked him why he doesn't want to tell his son about your relationship, but next time you talk with him about this, tell him that his son is not stupid, he's smart enough to know that if you're around, his daddy likes you. Tell him if he doesn't believe you, to just ask the child. (something like, "what do you think of your name here?). I don't know how old the child is, but kids need to know the truth. I suspect that the child still has contact with his mom and most likely, your boyfriend does too. This is probably where it all hinges. If he did not have contact with the mom, he would not mind at all. At least I can't think of any reason why he would mind. I had a similar situation when I was single..... the guy kept saying that he didn't know what he wanted to do because he wanted what was best for his son..... come to find out it was a load of crap but I don't know if that is your case. If you've been with him a year and he hasn't told his son, there's something wrong with that picture. Have you met your b/f parents? Take a step back and look at reality and see if he's playing you...... I hope not!!!! Maybe I'm not like most people but I think being honest is the best thing anyone can do. __________________ Princess777 "Be the change you want to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

05-21-2004, 08:37 AM	#3
vitalcoaching Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: World Age: 44 Posts: 275	Hi, I believe that timing and context can make a huge difference when having a conversation with him: You can set up a special time to talk about thsi specific topic. You can say something like: "There is something i need to share with you but i really need time and space to do it right..." Then set aside on a fixed time and day at least 30-60 min to check this out. check this link for ideas on how to do this: vitalcoaching.com/free/coupleforum.htm Get some drinks, get confortable and simply say what you feel, and ask about his own needs and desires. Right now, you are ready. He is holding back. Find out exactly what's happening in his mind. If he has fears or other plans, find out exactly what they are. No pressure, no demand, simply an open shraing of ideas and wishes. Good luck and stay in touch vitalcoach