My search for self discovery... self understanding.....

[Hero_99]

As I am writting this I am contemplating my future. In my life I have always strived for fulfillment, but it has always seemed to allude me.
I always wondered when the day would come where I could open myself up to the world; release myself from the dark cell and the chains that bind me from what what has been freely given to others.

I took three steps, namely....

1. Analized my childhood
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=17766&highlight=
2. Analized my view of the opposite sex
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=18167&highlight=
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=18778&highlight=
3. Analized what I think a man should be like
http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=19135&highlight=


These post were written before I came to the self awareness that I have a severe social handicap. One which will not grant me the ablity to comprehend or understand the world as a normal functional human being.
I am stuck feeling fearful of what others might say or do, as I do not understand why other people act the way they do and never have.

After a long hard talk with my mother I decided to go see a councelor

The result:I was diagnosed with an autism called aspergers syndrome.

Somehow I don't feel any better finding that I have a label; I knew that I was diffrent than other people. I have an above average IQ, taught myself to read and write german when I was 14 and mastered greek in college. I also tend to think using boolean IF/THEN/AND/OR/NOR logic.
I have an above average literary capability with below average math skills, and scored 92 out of 100 on my college entrance exam in english in contrast to 32 out of 100 in my mathamatics. Throughout my school years from kindergarten senior I made myself into a social outcast doing nothing but studying and working, and avoided all the social aspects of school, and even at times I avoided girls who wanted to do things with me when some would realize I was really a good guy when I came out of my shell. There were even some classes in which I said nothing except for a few words throughout the entire semester or school year.

I have gotten better with age, but I still struggle.

The problem is that it is all me, and there is nothing I can do but cope no matter how hard I struggle....

I tend to sound negitive and sarcastic at times when I really mean the best for someone; it's hard for people to understand....

I'd rather be an example to others as an overcomer than someone who gives in to himself and fails to do what is right, the correct things in life.
And I will devote every bit of strength to that task that I can muster; my weakness will be my strength...

[lil_mamarains13]

Of course it doesn't help to have a label, but that doesn't make you less of a human being who still has feelings. In my opinion it is better to know what is wrong with you than to go the rest of your life suspecting something is wrong with you and not knowing what. Knowing what is wrong with you will help you cope and make it easier for you to understand why you are YOU! Work with your counselor on what you can do to better yourself, but remember the only one that can really help you is you. You have to take his advice or leave it. That is clearly up to you and only you. I wish you all the luck.

[vfunkera]

Hero_99,

I'd rather be an example to others as an overcomer than someone who gives in to himself and fails to do what is right, the correct things in life.
And I will devote every bit of strength to that task that I can muster; my weakness will be my strength...

I would like to make a suggestion that could help aside the counselling. And that is to start writing books, and i am dead serious. Your health is the main concern now and until you leave us, and on that note writing and focusing on something -better still if you enjoy it- will take heaps of stress off your shoulders.

Hero, i hope you don't take this as a joke or ignorance on what your main problem is on this post, because it is fully taking in consideration what you are going through. Being able to write about your childhood, and life experiences -hurt and pain, joy and achievement- through fictional stories will help you share it with others without direct debates and criticism. Your past and whole life has been exceptional compared to the majority of us Hero, and being able to passionally write about it will make you heard and also maybe help you re-discover yourself along the way. You can write out your tale, or alter it and write your life or specific event the way you may have wanted them to turn out- its all creative and down to you.

You have, as you have evidently proven, an exceptional use with words, you also have a high IQ, motivation, imagination- you possess all the key skills to be in consideration. Many famous authours had traumatic lives and pasts, and found books as a refuge. A lot of them have gone on to become 'important' and 'irreplaceable' figures in literacy. The best examples would be Machiavelli and Philip K. [color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color][color=#fa7777]* [/color]- who you should look into.

And if that is too much load, then write a book of poems on your life- carefully picking the right ways to express yourself. Good luck Hero, hope that suggestion is considered, i believe seriously believe you can be a potential legend- as you have every ingrediant to make it.

[Hero_99]

Good advice, I think someday I will write a book. Apparently I've already written several already