He's driving me nuts!!

Kadillac · 01-29-2004, 07:53 PM

OK here it goes.. Me and my guy have been together on and off for a little over a year. It is now on. We are both very much in love with eachother. I had an abusive ex that wouldn't leave me alone up until 3 weeks ago when I finally got the police involved. Well now my ex has created a problem for us because my guy is parnoid of us going anywhere in public and me coming to his place because 3 weeks ago my ex showed up at his house with a gun (very long story) and thats how I got the police involved. He has a warrant but is not found. Anyways my guy decided that he wanted to keep things going with us even though now it is going to be really hard. I have the patence and thats fine but now I'm getting the feeling that I have no say in this relationship. He keeps telling me how its my fault that we are in this, that he doesn't deserve this and that I need to prove to him what kind of person that I am. My guy has known about my ex the whole time. He has known about his abusive harassing stalking behavior. I am not denying the fact that yes it was my ex and I should have gotten the police involved a long time ago but I feel like this is his choice to be in this relationship with me from now on. Its like we only talk or see eachother at his convenance and I feel like my feelings or thoughts don't matter because everything is my fault. I keep telling him that if he keeps bringing up what has happened over and over again we are not going to be able to move forward. And trust me I let him vent and he has said alot of mean things but I let him get it out but now i'm getting frustrated because I can't handle him constantly using what has happened as an excuse to make me feel bad. i feel like i have to be walking on egg shells everytime which is really hard because i'm the type of person if i belive in something i stand up for myself. I want to be with him and if he can get over this and move on then i'm the happiest girl in the world but if he is going to use this against me all of the time and never let it go I can't be with him. Any advice?

Beec · 01-29-2004, 08:48 PM

Well, I'd try to get him to talk but control the talk. Your ex is not your fault, it is your ex's fault. And if he wants to keep on this way, he is no better, except he is just doing it because he seems scared, rightfully so. Anyone who has been threatened with a gun has a right to be scared.

How to control the talk: first script it, you need him to admit to certain things and accept the truth of it not being your fault. Get him to admit that what happened between yourself and your ex was not your fault. (If he cannot admit this, get away from him too.) Ask him about when you first told him about your ex, so he has to admit that he has had full disclosure from day one. Now, he has admitted that he knew of the problem and that it was not your fault. Great. Let's start working on creating a solution. Tell him how you cannot live as a once in a while girlfriend, you can't just talk every now and then, you understand he was scared, and that you will not live that way. Now ask him for answers, ideas, how are we supposed to live? How are you supposed to deal with the problems, what are his ideas? Have some of your own. Create a plan and make him live with it.

Tellin It Like It Is · 01-29-2004, 09:53 PM

Don't mean to be rude, but excuse me, your current boyfriend decided he wanted to be with you. The current climate is based on someone who is erratic, and unpredictable (your ex). That isn't your fault. You know it isn't. So, if someone stepped on your current boyfriend's toes at work, is it the whole company's fault? What about if it someone at the post office was a jerk? Is he no longer going to send mail? He better grow up and realize that there are people out there who make a menace of themselves, and it's no one's fault but the menace. You also, should stop picking partners that don't treat you like the goddess you are. This guy blames you for things that aren't your fault, and I bet the last guy did too. You deserve more.

01-29-2004, 07:53 PM	#1
Kadillac Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 23	He's driving me nuts!! OK here it goes.. Me and my guy have been together on and off for a little over a year. It is now on. We are both very much in love with eachother. I had an abusive ex that wouldn't leave me alone up until 3 weeks ago when I finally got the police involved. Well now my ex has created a problem for us because my guy is parnoid of us going anywhere in public and me coming to his place because 3 weeks ago my ex showed up at his house with a gun (very long story) and thats how I got the police involved. He has a warrant but is not found. Anyways my guy decided that he wanted to keep things going with us even though now it is going to be really hard. I have the patence and thats fine but now I'm getting the feeling that I have no say in this relationship. He keeps telling me how its my fault that we are in this, that he doesn't deserve this and that I need to prove to him what kind of person that I am. My guy has known about my ex the whole time. He has known about his abusive harassing stalking behavior. I am not denying the fact that yes it was my ex and I should have gotten the police involved a long time ago but I feel like this is his choice to be in this relationship with me from now on. Its like we only talk or see eachother at his convenance and I feel like my feelings or thoughts don't matter because everything is my fault. I keep telling him that if he keeps bringing up what has happened over and over again we are not going to be able to move forward. And trust me I let him vent and he has said alot of mean things but I let him get it out but now i'm getting frustrated because I can't handle him constantly using what has happened as an excuse to make me feel bad. i feel like i have to be walking on egg shells everytime which is really hard because i'm the type of person if i belive in something i stand up for myself. I want to be with him and if he can get over this and move on then i'm the happiest girl in the world but if he is going to use this against me all of the time and never let it go I can't be with him. Any advice?

01-29-2004, 09:53 PM	#3
Tellin It Like It Is Offline Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: California Posts: 26	Oh, He says it's YOUR fault huh? Don't mean to be rude, but excuse me, your current boyfriend decided he wanted to be with you. The current climate is based on someone who is erratic, and unpredictable (your ex). That isn't your fault. You know it isn't. So, if someone stepped on your current boyfriend's toes at work, is it the whole company's fault? What about if it someone at the post office was a jerk? Is he no longer going to send mail? He better grow up and realize that there are people out there who make a menace of themselves, and it's no one's fault but the menace. You also, should stop picking partners that don't treat you like the goddess you are. This guy blames you for things that aren't your fault, and I bet the last guy did too. You deserve more.

01-29-2004, 08:48 PM	#2
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	Well, I'd try to get him to talk but control the talk. Your ex is not your fault, it is your ex's fault. And if he wants to keep on this way, he is no better, except he is just doing it because he seems scared, rightfully so. Anyone who has been threatened with a gun has a right to be scared. How to control the talk: first script it, you need him to admit to certain things and accept the truth of it not being your fault. Get him to admit that what happened between yourself and your ex was not your fault. (If he cannot admit this, get away from him too.) Ask him about when you first told him about your ex, so he has to admit that he has had full disclosure from day one. Now, he has admitted that he knew of the problem and that it was not your fault. Great. Let's start working on creating a solution. Tell him how you cannot live as a once in a while girlfriend, you can't just talk every now and then, you understand he was scared, and that you will not live that way. Now ask him for answers, ideas, how are we supposed to live? How are you supposed to deal with the problems, what are his ideas? Have some of your own. Create a plan and make him live with it.