Ugh, STRESS! HELP!

Reaction · 01-24-2004, 04:45 AM

Let's get to the point.... My ex and I broke up a little less than a year ago. We had been together for 1.5 years. Yes it was my fault for the most part. I have maintained contact with her over the last year with gaps that span a month or two....be it from frustration or just trying to give her some space. Recently she finally agreed to meeting up after canceling plans to do so many times. Seeing each other again was stressful for me. She had built up a wall so high that I didn't even try to break it down. We hung out, watched a movie, and had some laughs.

I called her a week later or so and no response....waited a few more weeks and called her for the holidays. At that time we spoke and agreed to hang out again a month after hanging out the first time. This time was a little different in that I really felt like she was trying to press my buttons when I saw her. She brought up various things that she knew would get me stirred up and or jealous. For a brief time we talked about our break up and she acknowledged that i was indeed.... a moron. She knows I have feelings for her, that is no secret, but she also knows that i respect her feelings. She has made it quite clear that I am not her priority which is fine, but she's started to just come across as rude.

While we were hanging out she mentioned that the next week would be particularily stressful. Being nice, I called her at the end of that week to see how she was doing. Once again.....no call back....of course I left a few messages over the course of the next few weeks and we spoke briefly...said that she would talk to me soon. This is where the question lies. Why agree to see me and then be so rude? I didn't expect us to maqgically get back together, but I did expect some sort of respect from her. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut with her and we actually talk less now than we did before we saw each other which is very frustrating and confusing. What can I do to progress things with her in a positive direction? We have talked about hanging out again, but I'm getting so frustrated over the way she is acting that it's starting to make me mad.

Normally I'm an assertive person who takes what he wants from this world, but I have been extremely patient and trying to be understanding and respectful. What the heck do I need to do here to get the respect that I feel I deserve without sending her running? Does any of this make sense? Can anyone give me some solid advice before I go completely nuts? After all this time, yes, I still do love her. If I didn't I wouldn't have put so much time, effort, and patience into this whole ordeal. HEEEELP!

~Tinkerbell~ · 01-24-2004, 11:24 AM

Hello. Sounds like you've got quite the complicated problem on your hands. I believe that the reason your ex is acting this way is because she wishes to "get you back." You mentioned that when the two of you were going out you had acted like quite the moron, and this probably was rather painful for her. Now you suddenly want to come back into her life and she's probably rather skeptical. How is she to know for sure that you have changed? She can't! For this reason, she is attempting to send you running because she doesn't wanna end up hurt; doesn't want to have her past re-written. So now the next question is what can you do? I suggest that you have a talk with her (in person of course, no more run-on message on her answering machine) and explain to her the way you feel. Ask her if she can find the kindness in her heart to give you another chance. Tell her that you love her and you realise what an idiot you were in the past; make it clear you'll do everything in your power to keep from hurting her. And then live up to your promises if she agrees. If she doesn't, there's nothing that you can do but leave her alone: You caused her too much pain and she doesn't want to have to go through that again.
Sincerely,
Cherry

bdub · 01-24-2004, 07:46 PM

I see this from a bit of a different perspective than the previous post. I think that she likely wants to keep you in her life, but is not interested in a relationship with you anymore, or at least not right now. Meeting up with you is good for both of you, but for different reasons. When you are together, she wants to make it clear that she doesn't want more than a friendship. What better way to ensure that you don't get back together than treating you with zero respect.

It may be that since you treat her well, she feels guilty. So maybe cutting it back a little might help you both out. It is stressful for her right now because she feels "obligated" to respect you. Its like taking care of a sick sibling or parent. You love them, but it just drains you emotionally to be at thier side all the time. If she doesn't feel like she is required to love you, then she will probably be much more able to feel the love that she *does* feel for you without feeing obligated. If we are forced to do things, we most likely don't like doing them. Even if normally they are things we enjoy.

Best Wishes,
bdub

Reaction · 01-24-2004, 09:01 PM

If that is the case what strategy should I use to turn it around?

Michael2 · 01-25-2004, 02:58 PM

No contact. Stop calling her. She only returns your calls when it benifits her, a big no no . In my book that is disrespectful.

Just leave her alone. Sorry for the blunt response, but you have to move on from this one.

01-24-2004, 04:45 AM	#1
Reaction Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 2	Ugh, STRESS! HELP! Let's get to the point.... My ex and I broke up a little less than a year ago. We had been together for 1.5 years. Yes it was my fault for the most part. I have maintained contact with her over the last year with gaps that span a month or two....be it from frustration or just trying to give her some space. Recently she finally agreed to meeting up after canceling plans to do so many times. Seeing each other again was stressful for me. She had built up a wall so high that I didn't even try to break it down. We hung out, watched a movie, and had some laughs. I called her a week later or so and no response....waited a few more weeks and called her for the holidays. At that time we spoke and agreed to hang out again a month after hanging out the first time. This time was a little different in that I really felt like she was trying to press my buttons when I saw her. She brought up various things that she knew would get me stirred up and or jealous. For a brief time we talked about our break up and she acknowledged that i was indeed.... a moron. She knows I have feelings for her, that is no secret, but she also knows that i respect her feelings. She has made it quite clear that I am not her priority which is fine, but she's started to just come across as rude. While we were hanging out she mentioned that the next week would be particularily stressful. Being nice, I called her at the end of that week to see how she was doing. Once again.....no call back....of course I left a few messages over the course of the next few weeks and we spoke briefly...said that she would talk to me soon. This is where the question lies. Why agree to see me and then be so rude? I didn't expect us to maqgically get back together, but I did expect some sort of respect from her. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut with her and we actually talk less now than we did before we saw each other which is very frustrating and confusing. What can I do to progress things with her in a positive direction? We have talked about hanging out again, but I'm getting so frustrated over the way she is acting that it's starting to make me mad. Normally I'm an assertive person who takes what he wants from this world, but I have been extremely patient and trying to be understanding and respectful. What the heck do I need to do here to get the respect that I feel I deserve without sending her running? Does any of this make sense? Can anyone give me some solid advice before I go completely nuts? After all this time, yes, I still do love her. If I didn't I wouldn't have put so much time, effort, and patience into this whole ordeal. HEEEELP!

01-24-2004, 11:24 AM	#2
~Tinkerbell~ Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Canada Posts: 680	Hello. Sounds like you've got quite the complicated problem on your hands. I believe that the reason your ex is acting this way is because she wishes to "get you back." You mentioned that when the two of you were going out you had acted like quite the moron, and this probably was rather painful for her. Now you suddenly want to come back into her life and she's probably rather skeptical. How is she to know for sure that you have changed? She can't! For this reason, she is attempting to send you running because she doesn't wanna end up hurt; doesn't want to have her past re-written. So now the next question is what can you do? I suggest that you have a talk with her (in person of course, no more run-on message on her answering machine) and explain to her the way you feel. Ask her if she can find the kindness in her heart to give you another chance. Tell her that you love her and you realise what an idiot you were in the past; make it clear you'll do everything in your power to keep from hurting her. And then live up to your promises if she agrees. If she doesn't, there's nothing that you can do but leave her alone: You caused her too much pain and she doesn't want to have to go through that again. Sincerely, Cherry __________________ Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smiling back at me. Dancing in moonlight I know you are free, 'cause I can see your star shining down on me...

01-24-2004, 07:46 PM	#3
bdub Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Oregon Age: 29 Posts: 165	I see this from a bit of a different perspective than the previous post. I think that she likely wants to keep you in her life, but is not interested in a relationship with you anymore, or at least not right now. Meeting up with you is good for both of you, but for different reasons. When you are together, she wants to make it clear that she doesn't want more than a friendship. What better way to ensure that you don't get back together than treating you with zero respect. It may be that since you treat her well, she feels guilty. So maybe cutting it back a little might help you both out. It is stressful for her right now because she feels "obligated" to respect you. Its like taking care of a sick sibling or parent. You love them, but it just drains you emotionally to be at thier side all the time. If she doesn't feel like she is required to love you, then she will probably be much more able to feel the love that she does feel for you without feeing obligated. If we are forced to do things, we most likely don't like doing them. Even if normally they are things we enjoy. Best Wishes, bdub

01-24-2004, 09:01 PM	#4
Reaction Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 2	If that is the case what strategy should I use to turn it around?

01-25-2004, 02:58 PM	#5
Michael2 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 549	No contact. Stop calling her. She only returns your calls when it benifits her, a big no no . In my book that is disrespectful. Just leave her alone. Sorry for the blunt response, but you have to move on from this one.