Should I stay in relationship if I have issues with my past?

vaguero915 · 01-10-2004, 10:50 PM

I am in a relationship that could be real good if it wasn't for my insecurities. I seem to have a hard time trusting anyone because of things that have happened in my past (too personal to post). Because of this my relationship seems to be going nowhere. I get angry at who I am with because I am afraid of being hurt. Although my partner does not do anything intentionally to make me mad, sad or hurt, I find fault in everything that he does. I've tried not to be insecure but nothing I do seems to work. I'm wondering if I should just end the relationship and deal with my own problems before I can actually settle down. With anyone for that matter. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I being fair to my partner if they say they will work through it with me, but I would rather not? I know this contradicts my last sentence, but I feel that I do need someone there to support me with my emotions on why I am the way I am. Frankly, I know I'm difficult sometimes and I'm sure if I was in the other persons shoes, I would get tired of this emotional rollercoaster and want out. What can I do to change my attitude and make things better for myself? I know it won't happen overnight, but I am more than willing to try anything. I guess that's why I'm asking for your opinions. [-o<

Trojanmn2 · 01-11-2004, 01:20 AM

You know my girlfriend is in the same situation you are. She blames all the things that are happening now is because of her and the way she is. We fell in love so fast and we've been together 6 months since this past xmas. Now we're taking time apart because she says she needs it. She speaks of her paranoias and fears and says THE SAME exact way you speak of it. She depends on nobody which is a bad thing. I see that as a sort of pride, which I believe is not really good. She always had to deal with things for herself and never ever wants to cause a burden on other people. Examples like causing problems or getting in others ways really stand out in her mind. But I think the underlying thing here is insecurity and trust. Have you and your partner speaked of your difficulties of yourself? Or have you held it in for yourself to deal with? My g/f does this all the time now and its getting to the point where I'm afraid she's going to get tired of me trying to help her, not to solve her problems but to work on them together. Maybe 6 months is too soon for her, but I love my g/f with all my heart, if you trust your b/f's feelings, trust him wholly. Know that he loves and the way he's showing it is by demonstrating that he is being there for you to work to solve the problems TOGETHER. You're not alone in a relationship, I wish I could get this through to my g/f though, but its going to take alot of convincing and work and effort to have you trust him and for him to effectively convince you that you don't have to be insecure with him.

But you may be saying, what if after all that something happens? And what you have worked and poured your blood, sweat, and tears into falls apart? Will you clam up forever until the next time? Or will you hold yourself higher now from what you learned in that relationship like we ALL learn something in relationships, and know that you are a more secure person, more stronger, and a more trusting person, so these problems will not come up again and you then you will be able to find the person you are looking for.

You see, do you worry and ponder about the negative things that will come if you do this or do that? Do you think of the most negative outcomes and do bad thoughts come and haunt you until the point you think they are real? Ask yourself, why, why do you think these things? Take a breathe, step back, and look at it positively, realistically and make sure you use valid reasons to decide whats real and whats fake. Don't be angry at who are and believe that you are going to be that person for the rest of your life. Are you going to be like this the rest of your life, ask your self this question. Accept the things you do and accept the things you have done. We learn by experience, so take in the knowledge of the things you have done, learn from the mistakes and make a CONSCIOUS effort not to do them again.

Ending the relationship is not being fair to your loving partner who is being there for you. I myself have cried many nights of not being able to help my g/f. I have beaten myself up for the times I have made mistakes to make her fear and become paranoid all over again. It would have to be a conscious effort from the both of you to make it work. If your love and committment is strong in both of you all, you will make it work. Don't run away from the problems because running is taking the easy way out which will only suffice for a short time and it will come back in different forms, causing more hurt and anguish. Decide for yourself the changes you need to do for yourself first. Allow and trust your partner to be there for her and let go of the fear. You really have to try hard, and when things aren't go quite as well as they won't at first, don't give up!!! YOU have failed ONLY, ONLY when you have stopped trying. You probably are hard on yourself too much, like my g/f is too, believing she gets in the way of me, and the things I need to do with myself. I love her so much and when her worrys and my worrys come in, emotions will flood in and cloud our thoughts, and everything about us. Sometimes I really can't believe why she thinks she does these wrong things and takes all the problems that come up is because of her. It becomes one sided and actually BOTH of us who are fault.

Its a long road to push ahead for both of us. Before I typed this email I called my g/f because we're taking time apart for her and hurts so bad because I want things to be like they were. We haven't talked too much for the past couple days and I was about to go on for a few days of not talking to her so things won't go south with emotions that she doesn't want to worry with right now. I called her up to just say I love you because I miss her and love her so much. Even though I didn't want to call, I wanted to say that for more than anything in the world. Good luck Vaguero, as I hope mines goes good too.

raggamuffin · 01-11-2004, 07:49 AM

I was in the same situation as you in my last serious relationship...It lasted 3 years!! I had a lot i mean a LOT of insecutrities because of some terrible things that had happened to me and I also used to get angry and upset and all of that stuff with my partner even though he never did anything intentional to hurt me. I seeked help. I went and saw a psychologist and I asked my boyfriend to help me through it. The relationship is probably worth ended if it doesnt mean anything to you. But if it has the potential to be great then give it a go...you wont know unless you try and get help for your past issues so you can work through them and they wont be issues anymore just the past. I found it really good because I could then move on with my relationship and it was really good after that. I am also happier in myself aswell not just in relationships. Good luck and I hope this helps I know exactly how you feel if you need anything PM me.

vaguero915 · 01-11-2004, 03:29 PM

Thank you for the advice, but I am still lost as ever. It is hard to make a decision when you're scared to hurt the ones you love. Even if it is unintentional. I will think about was is best for myself before I make a choice I might regret later. I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one who has issues like this. I hope everything goes well for you. God Bless [-o<

Chupa Chup · 01-11-2004, 10:29 PM

i'm sorry that you're going thru this now and i know its not fair. i just want to share with you what i have learnt about this.

i was in a bad bad relationship with my 2nd ex a few years ago and i have just broke up with my 3rd ex after 4 1/2 years. when i got together with my 3rd ex almost 5 years ago, there were some emotional scars and baggage that i had brought into my latest relationship. but this beautiful man helped me heal the scars and i will love him always for everything he's done for me and for everything he's helped me thru esp the passing of my loved one few years back. what i'm trying to say is that if your partner is trying his/ her best to help you heal the pain (if you want him / her to) and you want to TRY and let them into your life, then it really could be the best thing to get you thru your pain and insecurities. ONLY if you're ready to.

but on the other hand, if you're not ready to be in a relationship, and you need time and space away to deal with your issues, the best thing you can do for yourself is to tell your partner that you need time away to deal with the issues you're facing. because being with someone and not being able to give your best is really not fair to the person and you. i have learnt that you have to deal with your OWN issues first before you can give anyone else anything. if you don't try to deal with those issues, you will find that the same issues you faced in your previous relationship will re-surface again in your present relationship. that's why sometimes people seem to be in relationships where the same probs keep coming up time and time again. you might be happy at first but sonner or later the issues will surface. think about it ok? i KNOW that because i have been thru it but my heart was willing to let him in and help me. and i'm glad i did. if not, just take some time away and deal with yourself first before you can give anything back to the present person.

hang in there.. and think about it. i'm sorry if what i have said might offend you. i'm just being really honest.

take care...

01-10-2004, 10:50 PM	#1
vaguero915 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Texas Posts: 3	Should I stay in relationship if I have issues with my past? I am in a relationship that could be real good if it wasn't for my insecurities. I seem to have a hard time trusting anyone because of things that have happened in my past (too personal to post). Because of this my relationship seems to be going nowhere. I get angry at who I am with because I am afraid of being hurt. Although my partner does not do anything intentionally to make me mad, sad or hurt, I find fault in everything that he does. I've tried not to be insecure but nothing I do seems to work. I'm wondering if I should just end the relationship and deal with my own problems before I can actually settle down. With anyone for that matter. Am I being too hard on myself? Am I being fair to my partner if they say they will work through it with me, but I would rather not? I know this contradicts my last sentence, but I feel that I do need someone there to support me with my emotions on why I am the way I am. Frankly, I know I'm difficult sometimes and I'm sure if I was in the other persons shoes, I would get tired of this emotional rollercoaster and want out. What can I do to change my attitude and make things better for myself? I know it won't happen overnight, but I am more than willing to try anything. I guess that's why I'm asking for your opinions. [-o<

01-11-2004, 01:20 AM	#2
Trojanmn2 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Panama City, Florida Age: 26 Posts: 103	You know my girlfriend is in the same situation you are. She blames all the things that are happening now is because of her and the way she is. We fell in love so fast and we've been together 6 months since this past xmas. Now we're taking time apart because she says she needs it. She speaks of her paranoias and fears and says THE SAME exact way you speak of it. She depends on nobody which is a bad thing. I see that as a sort of pride, which I believe is not really good. She always had to deal with things for herself and never ever wants to cause a burden on other people. Examples like causing problems or getting in others ways really stand out in her mind. But I think the underlying thing here is insecurity and trust. Have you and your partner speaked of your difficulties of yourself? Or have you held it in for yourself to deal with? My g/f does this all the time now and its getting to the point where I'm afraid she's going to get tired of me trying to help her, not to solve her problems but to work on them together. Maybe 6 months is too soon for her, but I love my g/f with all my heart, if you trust your b/f's feelings, trust him wholly. Know that he loves and the way he's showing it is by demonstrating that he is being there for you to work to solve the problems TOGETHER. You're not alone in a relationship, I wish I could get this through to my g/f though, but its going to take alot of convincing and work and effort to have you trust him and for him to effectively convince you that you don't have to be insecure with him. But you may be saying, what if after all that something happens? And what you have worked and poured your blood, sweat, and tears into falls apart? Will you clam up forever until the next time? Or will you hold yourself higher now from what you learned in that relationship like we ALL learn something in relationships, and know that you are a more secure person, more stronger, and a more trusting person, so these problems will not come up again and you then you will be able to find the person you are looking for. You see, do you worry and ponder about the negative things that will come if you do this or do that? Do you think of the most negative outcomes and do bad thoughts come and haunt you until the point you think they are real? Ask yourself, why, why do you think these things? Take a breathe, step back, and look at it positively, realistically and make sure you use valid reasons to decide whats real and whats fake. Don't be angry at who are and believe that you are going to be that person for the rest of your life. Are you going to be like this the rest of your life, ask your self this question. Accept the things you do and accept the things you have done. We learn by experience, so take in the knowledge of the things you have done, learn from the mistakes and make a CONSCIOUS effort not to do them again. Ending the relationship is not being fair to your loving partner who is being there for you. I myself have cried many nights of not being able to help my g/f. I have beaten myself up for the times I have made mistakes to make her fear and become paranoid all over again. It would have to be a conscious effort from the both of you to make it work. If your love and committment is strong in both of you all, you will make it work. Don't run away from the problems because running is taking the easy way out which will only suffice for a short time and it will come back in different forms, causing more hurt and anguish. Decide for yourself the changes you need to do for yourself first. Allow and trust your partner to be there for her and let go of the fear. You really have to try hard, and when things aren't go quite as well as they won't at first, don't give up!!! YOU have failed ONLY, ONLY when you have stopped trying. You probably are hard on yourself too much, like my g/f is too, believing she gets in the way of me, and the things I need to do with myself. I love her so much and when her worrys and my worrys come in, emotions will flood in and cloud our thoughts, and everything about us. Sometimes I really can't believe why she thinks she does these wrong things and takes all the problems that come up is because of her. It becomes one sided and actually BOTH of us who are fault. Its a long road to push ahead for both of us. Before I typed this email I called my g/f because we're taking time apart for her and hurts so bad because I want things to be like they were. We haven't talked too much for the past couple days and I was about to go on for a few days of not talking to her so things won't go south with emotions that she doesn't want to worry with right now. I called her up to just say I love you because I miss her and love her so much. Even though I didn't want to call, I wanted to say that for more than anything in the world. Good luck Vaguero, as I hope mines goes good too. __________________ "Mean what you say and do what you say." I had to learn the hard way "I don't want to lead you, I don't want to follow and pick up after you, I want to walk with and beside you"

01-11-2004, 07:49 AM	#3
raggamuffin Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Brisbane, Australia Age: 27 Posts: 351	I was in the same situation as you in my last serious relationship...It lasted 3 years!! I had a lot i mean a LOT of insecutrities because of some terrible things that had happened to me and I also used to get angry and upset and all of that stuff with my partner even though he never did anything intentional to hurt me. I seeked help. I went and saw a psychologist and I asked my boyfriend to help me through it. The relationship is probably worth ended if it doesnt mean anything to you. But if it has the potential to be great then give it a go...you wont know unless you try and get help for your past issues so you can work through them and they wont be issues anymore just the past. I found it really good because I could then move on with my relationship and it was really good after that. I am also happier in myself aswell not just in relationships. Good luck and I hope this helps I know exactly how you feel if you need anything PM me. __________________ Good friends are like stars, you cant always see them but you know they are always there

01-11-2004, 03:29 PM	#4
vaguero915 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Texas Posts: 3	Thanks Thank you for the advice, but I am still lost as ever. It is hard to make a decision when you're scared to hurt the ones you love. Even if it is unintentional. I will think about was is best for myself before I make a choice I might regret later. I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one who has issues like this. I hope everything goes well for you. God Bless [-o<

01-11-2004, 10:29 PM	#5
Chupa Chup Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 32	What I have learnt i'm sorry that you're going thru this now and i know its not fair. i just want to share with you what i have learnt about this. i was in a bad bad relationship with my 2nd ex a few years ago and i have just broke up with my 3rd ex after 4 1/2 years. when i got together with my 3rd ex almost 5 years ago, there were some emotional scars and baggage that i had brought into my latest relationship. but this beautiful man helped me heal the scars and i will love him always for everything he's done for me and for everything he's helped me thru esp the passing of my loved one few years back. what i'm trying to say is that if your partner is trying his/ her best to help you heal the pain (if you want him / her to) and you want to TRY and let them into your life, then it really could be the best thing to get you thru your pain and insecurities. ONLY if you're ready to. but on the other hand, if you're not ready to be in a relationship, and you need time and space away to deal with your issues, the best thing you can do for yourself is to tell your partner that you need time away to deal with the issues you're facing. because being with someone and not being able to give your best is really not fair to the person and you. i have learnt that you have to deal with your OWN issues first before you can give anyone else anything. if you don't try to deal with those issues, you will find that the same issues you faced in your previous relationship will re-surface again in your present relationship. that's why sometimes people seem to be in relationships where the same probs keep coming up time and time again. you might be happy at first but sonner or later the issues will surface. think about it ok? i KNOW that because i have been thru it but my heart was willing to let him in and help me. and i'm glad i did. if not, just take some time away and deal with yourself first before you can give anything back to the present person. hang in there.. and think about it. i'm sorry if what i have said might offend you. i'm just being really honest. take care...