Help with an aging parent

**avman** · 01-06-2004, 05:45 PM

Hello all,

I have a 72 year old mother who is now at a time in her life when she simply cannot live alone anymore. She understands this and now my brother and I are having to make some difficult decisions about her care going forward.

My mother does not want to live with my brother or me and she has always said this. She would just rather not get into that situation of having us have to care for her full time. So I want to respect that.

I've been starting to look at some options for assisted living, senior homes, and things like that. I was wondering if any of you have any experience with this sort of thing and could give me some tips of things I should watch out for, or questions I should be asking these people. I want my mother to have the best care possible.

She does not require full-time care like in a nursing home. But she does need something where others would clean her home, look in on her, possibly prepare meals, do shopping for her, and things like that. She cannot care for her house any longer.

I would welcome any replies from anyone who has gone through something like this. Did you have a positive or a negative experience? This is very new ground for me.

Thank you all so much!

avman

Beec · 01-06-2004, 06:13 PM

I've got a 93 year old relative who still lives alone, but with assistance. Much of the stuff you mention can be handled without a particular facility being needed. My relative moved into a 20 condo years ago, after taking care of a house by herself until she was 73. Now, she has a cleaning lady, meals are made ahead and microwaved, people take her shopping once week, etc. As her writing deteriorated, we prepare mailing labels and got her a rubber stamp for her address. Through lot of simple things that let he do for herself and by just helping in ways that help was needed, she has otherwise been able to maintain her independence. Is a home in her future? Maybe, but not quite yet. Look at the tasks with which she has trouble and try to find ways to manage it. I had another relative, who got stuck in a home. A few years before, she did everything for herself, including moving the furniture around when she cleaned. After the home, she deteriorated mentally. A move may be in order, but I would recommend trying to keep your mother as independent as possible.

MrKawabata · 01-06-2004, 10:49 PM

Beec has pretty much said it all. In addition to the assisted living services provided, you want to know the people *who* are caring after your mother. You would want to assess their attitudes to their work, how friendly they are, and whether they genuinely care for your mother compared with simply "doing a job".

I agree too, that aged people do deteriorate faster when they lose their independence, so a rest home doesn't seem to be the best option just yet.

01-06-2004, 05:45 PM	#1
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	Help with an aging parent Hello all, I have a 72 year old mother who is now at a time in her life when she simply cannot live alone anymore. She understands this and now my brother and I are having to make some difficult decisions about her care going forward. My mother does not want to live with my brother or me and she has always said this. She would just rather not get into that situation of having us have to care for her full time. So I want to respect that. I've been starting to look at some options for assisted living, senior homes, and things like that. I was wondering if any of you have any experience with this sort of thing and could give me some tips of things I should watch out for, or questions I should be asking these people. I want my mother to have the best care possible. She does not require full-time care like in a nursing home. But she does need something where others would clean her home, look in on her, possibly prepare meals, do shopping for her, and things like that. She cannot care for her house any longer. I would welcome any replies from anyone who has gone through something like this. Did you have a positive or a negative experience? This is very new ground for me. Thank you all so much! avman

01-06-2004, 06:13 PM	#2
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	I've got a 93 year old relative who still lives alone, but with assistance. Much of the stuff you mention can be handled without a particular facility being needed. My relative moved into a 20 condo years ago, after taking care of a house by herself until she was 73. Now, she has a cleaning lady, meals are made ahead and microwaved, people take her shopping once week, etc. As her writing deteriorated, we prepare mailing labels and got her a rubber stamp for her address. Through lot of simple things that let he do for herself and by just helping in ways that help was needed, she has otherwise been able to maintain her independence. Is a home in her future? Maybe, but not quite yet. Look at the tasks with which she has trouble and try to find ways to manage it. I had another relative, who got stuck in a home. A few years before, she did everything for herself, including moving the furniture around when she cleaned. After the home, she deteriorated mentally. A move may be in order, but I would recommend trying to keep your mother as independent as possible.

01-06-2004, 10:49 PM	#3
MrKawabata Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Not in Japan Gender: Male Age: 35 Posts: 184	Beec has pretty much said it all. In addition to the assisted living services provided, you want to know the people who are caring after your mother. You would want to assess their attitudes to their work, how friendly they are, and whether they genuinely care for your mother compared with simply "doing a job". I agree too, that aged people do deteriorate faster when they lose their independence, so a rest home doesn't seem to be the best option just yet.