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  1. #1
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    Nov 2003
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    Married, Fallen in Love with Married Friend, Need Help!

    I"m a 41 year old male, married for twelve years. My wife and I are friends with a couple that we've know for about six years. Myself and the female friend (I'll call her Ann) have become very close friends during the past few years. My wife and I have a very good marriage, as to Ann (37)and her husband.

    During the past year or so Ann and I have become extremely close friends. When we and our spouses get together, she and I seem to dominate the conversation, and usually converse with each other. My feelings toward her during this past year have turned very intense, and, in the past few months, I've found myself falling in love with her.

    I am pretty sure that Ann is not aware of how I feel about her. We are good friends, and neither of us has ever made any advances toward the other. I had no intention of falling in love with her, and now that I have, am faced with a real problem.

    I have no intention of leaving my wife, and have no intention of cheating on my wife. Even if I did, I don't think Ann would leave her husband or cheat on him.

    Should I continue a friendship with Ann and her husband, or discontinue it? I find myself thinking about her all the time, and every time I'm with her, it hurts, knowing we wil never be together. Should I tell her how I feel?

  2. #2
    Member Mar's Avatar
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    Aug 2003
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    Connecticut
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    Hmm, this is a tough one for a couple of reasons. As far as breaking off the friendship with Ann, you'd immediately be questioned by all concerned why you're suddenly so distant, with no handy answer available, so that wouldn't quite work. Not to mention you'd hurt Ann and her husband's feelings unintentionally, and I'm quite sure you want to avoid that.

    As far as admitting your attraction for her, I'd avoid that as well, for the simple reason that, while nothing would come of it, it would certainly still change the relationship. There would suddenly be awkwardness where previously there'd been none, and you'd lose that easy camraderie you now share.

    Best bet is to just swallow these feelings for her as best you can and appreciate what you DO have: a great friend and her husband, and a wife whom you love and who loves you, because you're among the blessed to have that much! It's a tough pill to swallow (I've been in the same circumstances myself, so I can sympathize completely) but it's also for the best all around. And eventually, even if it takes years (as it did with me) you simply accept it as how it has to be, and enjoy the person for who they are and what they contribute to your life.....you stop thinking of what may have been!

    Mar
    Beauty is only skin deep. LOOK DEEPER.

  3. #3
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    Oct 2003
    Location
    Chicago, IL
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    Take a Break

    I commend you on your honesty and your insight. Your feelings are natural and it sounds like you have caught yourself in time to take advanage of a situation that can actually bring yourself closer to your wife.

    I would simply tell your wife that you feel as if you don't want to see this couple as often. If she asks why, tell her that you want to spend more time with her. If she REALLY presses, then I would simply tell her what you are feeling. You feel as if you are crossing over a "friendship" line with the other woman and you don't feel comfortable with that. You need more distance.

    I really think your wife would respect you for telling her that.

    The key is to take a break from this woman. It sounds as if she is addressing certain needs in your life that your wife may not be filling. So, you may want to talk to your wife about that. What is it that this woman provides you that you are missing from your wife?

  4. #4
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    Routerx;

    I have a closer emotional relationship with Ann that I do my wife. Let me qualify that statement. I've learned that Ann and I have very similar backgrounds, similar opinions on major topics, similar tastes in movies, music, theatre, etc. She and her husband also went through a loss last year that brought us closer together, as she came to me for support and help. No, I'm not confusing this last topic with love (I thought the same thing); I've been in "real" love a couple of times (and in a lot of relationships that weren't real love) in my forty-plus years, and this feels like the real thing.

    Ann also helps me though life's hard spots. My wife tries, but she just doesn't have the "tools" to do so.

    To be frank, I feel closer to Ann than I do to my wife. If she and I weren't married to other people, I would pursue a relationship with her.
    I just don't believe in killing two good marriages in the "hope" of beginning a relationship with Ann. My wife and I do have a good marriage, but, in a dozen years of marriage, I guess it has gone a bit "stale".

  5.  

  6. #5
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    All that I can say is to try to invision that day that you were married, and try to remember your wedding vowels.

    It's natural that you find others attractive sometimes, but there's a limit to it, and it sounds like you've reached it. If you have a good marriage, then why do you feel closer to Ann than your wife?

    If it's communication, and disclosing about your personal interests, then do it. Try to communicate with her.

    Your wife's a treasure. Try to remember the spark that brought interest into the relationship again.

  7. #6
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    The grass in not greener on the other side. Like my pastor says to many men in our church. "You are comparing this woman at her best, at your wife at her worst worse." You do not know how this woman is at her worst, she could be really mean. You do not know how this woman is behind closed doors when she does not have to put on this front for you and all her friends. You really do not know this woman. You have not been around this woman, when she is mad, or having a bad day.

    Yes you may have helped her with her problems, but many people try to put on a brave face, when talking about problems to their friends. You do not know all of her, just the image she wants to portray to you when you are together. Why don't you see this couple less? Focus on the good things about your wife, you are only causing more trouble for yourself. The Bible says to do not covet another mans wife. God does not want us to trade up, when we something that we think is better, because there will be problems with this woman too. You are just infatuated with this woman, 10 years from now you will have lost this feeling. You cannot compare feelings of lust against a long time love. You do not love her it is just lust.

    Stay away from this woman if want do not want to ruin your marriage and your family, there is no garentee she feels this way about you. I am a woman and I know men, easily fall in love from just having a causal friendship with a woman, because they are weak and not focusing on their marriage, instead of random women. What if you both leave your SO, and see goes back to her husband or leaves you all together?
    Love is patient, love is kind...Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    **1 Corinthians 13:4-7**

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