Need advice on broken relationship

Sadpuppy · 08-11-2003, 02:46 PM

Sorry for the novella guys. Thanks in advance.

Me and my girlfriend are very close, and have been together for 4 years. High school sweethearts, practically lived together at college during weekends, etc. Before the summer things were not great, but were going ok. So she goes off to work at a summer camp about 4 hours away...gonna be gone most of the summer. She just graduated from college and needs to do something different. I offer a break, which we have thought about in the past, but she doesn't think it is a good idea at the time.

Two months ago she informs me that she feels too tied down, and we break up. I'm not too upset about it because she assures me that its not me or another guy, just that she wants some alone time now. Also, we both feel this is just a break, and definitely not the end. She can't explain everything, but promises to call in a few days to clear things up.

The morning after, I check her email for her and empty her junk, as I do every morning. Then I see an email to her closest friend...she never uses email at camp...but made an exception? So it is too tempting.....I read it. Apparently, there is this "very cute, very british guy that is putting the moves on me. I feel so bad about it, but should I"?

Two weeks pass without any contact with her. By this time I'm miserable and have 1000 questions in my head. We finally talk and she smooths things out, comforts me. There is a guy, but we're barely more than friends. It is no big deal. Stop being so upset over nothing. Etc.

She continues to ignore me and my feelings, even goes so far as to complain that every time we talk now I bring up serious matters, like how badly she is treating me. Annoyed is what she tells her friends she is getting when talking to me.

Last week I find out that its all been a big lie. She cheated on me with the guy about a week before the "break". All summer they have been together. She insists they aren't serious, and that she doesnt love him, and I believe her in that regard.

Camp is now over, and he is staying at her apartment for one week until he goes back to England. College starts back for me in one week also.

We've both wanted a break for some time, and I'm bothered(as anyone would be) but not crushed about her and this guy. But to do things in such a selfish, inconsiderate way, (not to mention the cheating), makes me wonder if she loves me. I know she cares about me deeply, as we are best friends and the most important thing in each others life, and I love her, but wonder if things can ever work out now.

My plan is to have a face to face talk after the Brit heads back to his own country, and see if she will fess up. I've decided that regardless of the outcome of that conversation, I'm breaking up with her and telling her I don't want to see her for a long time.

So, there's no real answer here, and I think I have things under control, more or less. Just looking for thoughts on the matter, maybe what you would do...etc.

Thanks for reading!

crookster_man · 08-11-2003, 02:59 PM

I'm sorry to hear the situation you are in. It really sucks simply put. I don't think I'll ever understand the rational people have when they do these things. She may have loved you, but she didn't respect you enough to tell you the truth or to respect and honour the relationship. When people are young they fool around. It happens all the time, it happens when they are older too, but hopefully they have learned their lessons.

If she honestly believes that you would take her back after cheating, lying and betraying you she is pretty messed up. You are right to break it off with her. It's time to send this bird packing. She probably has moved on already, I doubt she really wants to be with you anymore. What kind of person would do this to someone they loved? The childish, selfish kind. Kick her to the curb you will be better off for it.

Maybe she might even learn her lesson, but that shouldn't really concern you. Just focus on healing yourself. Good luck we will be here.

jdratx · 08-11-2003, 05:50 PM

sad puppy, i gotta say i'm sorry to hear about your problem. that's one of the worst things that can happen to a guy. i believe crookster really nailed it on the head with his comments. you just don't need this in your life-- if you were to take this gal back, you're seriously looking for more trouble and most definitely more heartache. i know you love her very much and she probably loves you a lot too. but the real question is, do you want to be in a "committed" relationship with someone whom you can no longer trust? the love is there, but that doesn't always solve everything. love is also quite blinding. it can easily make you blind to the facts of the situation that easily jump out to other people not in your shoes. i say, it's time to do what you gotta do and be done with her. that sounds to me like the only thing to do at this point. if you want friendship from her later on down the line (and i do mean LATER on down the line), so be it, but you need to give yourself some time to let it all absorb in, to grieve over your failed relationship, to heal, and to move on. you can do it, bud-- it's time to say goodbye.

All Good Things...

Aali · 08-12-2003, 10:26 PM

You dont have to wait till he goes. She owes you this explaination and that you should get. It seems like she likes this dude and at this point does not care about your feeling. I know that hurts but you have to think about yourself. She is thinking about her self too you know.

And even if she wants to get back with you? Would you be willing to forgive that she played you so well?

Think about it!!

Do you love her enough to get past all this and if you do then you should get back with her, other wise a guy who is as caring as you are would get lots of people to care back.

Sadpuppy · 08-14-2003, 11:18 AM

Thanks for the advice and kind words. I feel like I need to wait until he is gone or I'm just gonna push her more away from me. Once he is gone, then reality is going to hit her, and we can have our talk.

I still love her very much, but love is not everything. I've decided that I'm going to go through with my plan(the break up - which will take place in about 3 days), and then the ball is in her court, and I'll no longer be waiting by the phone or the one doing the chasing. I'll be clean of it all finally, and be able to try to go out and have some fun.

Then much later down the road if she realizes what she had, maybe we can get back together. If that day never comes, then add another failed relationship that could have been amazing to the pile...

I feel like that's my only option right now. My path seems clear, I just hope I have the courage and will to stick with it.

08-11-2003, 02:46 PM	#1
Sadpuppy Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 3	Need advice on broken relationship Sorry for the novella guys. Thanks in advance. Me and my girlfriend are very close, and have been together for 4 years. High school sweethearts, practically lived together at college during weekends, etc. Before the summer things were not great, but were going ok. So she goes off to work at a summer camp about 4 hours away...gonna be gone most of the summer. She just graduated from college and needs to do something different. I offer a break, which we have thought about in the past, but she doesn't think it is a good idea at the time. Two months ago she informs me that she feels too tied down, and we break up. I'm not too upset about it because she assures me that its not me or another guy, just that she wants some alone time now. Also, we both feel this is just a break, and definitely not the end. She can't explain everything, but promises to call in a few days to clear things up. The morning after, I check her email for her and empty her junk, as I do every morning. Then I see an email to her closest friend...she never uses email at camp...but made an exception? So it is too tempting.....I read it. Apparently, there is this "very cute, very british guy that is putting the moves on me. I feel so bad about it, but should I"? Two weeks pass without any contact with her. By this time I'm miserable and have 1000 questions in my head. We finally talk and she smooths things out, comforts me. There is a guy, but we're barely more than friends. It is no big deal. Stop being so upset over nothing. Etc. She continues to ignore me and my feelings, even goes so far as to complain that every time we talk now I bring up serious matters, like how badly she is treating me. Annoyed is what she tells her friends she is getting when talking to me. Last week I find out that its all been a big lie. She cheated on me with the guy about a week before the "break". All summer they have been together. She insists they aren't serious, and that she doesnt love him, and I believe her in that regard. Camp is now over, and he is staying at her apartment for one week until he goes back to England. College starts back for me in one week also. We've both wanted a break for some time, and I'm bothered(as anyone would be) but not crushed about her and this guy. But to do things in such a selfish, inconsiderate way, (not to mention the cheating), makes me wonder if she loves me. I know she cares about me deeply, as we are best friends and the most important thing in each others life, and I love her, but wonder if things can ever work out now. My plan is to have a face to face talk after the Brit heads back to his own country, and see if she will fess up. I've decided that regardless of the outcome of that conversation, I'm breaking up with her and telling her I don't want to see her for a long time. So, there's no real answer here, and I think I have things under control, more or less. Just looking for thoughts on the matter, maybe what you would do...etc. Thanks for reading!

08-11-2003, 02:59 PM	#2
crookster_man Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Ontario Canada Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 982	I'm sorry to hear the situation you are in. It really sucks simply put. I don't think I'll ever understand the rational people have when they do these things. She may have loved you, but she didn't respect you enough to tell you the truth or to respect and honour the relationship. When people are young they fool around. It happens all the time, it happens when they are older too, but hopefully they have learned their lessons. If she honestly believes that you would take her back after cheating, lying and betraying you she is pretty messed up. You are right to break it off with her. It's time to send this bird packing. She probably has moved on already, I doubt she really wants to be with you anymore. What kind of person would do this to someone they loved? The childish, selfish kind. Kick her to the curb you will be better off for it. Maybe she might even learn her lesson, but that shouldn't really concern you. Just focus on healing yourself. Good luck we will be here. __________________ - One’s merit is measured not in actions but in the quality of one’s character . - Life is %10 what happens to you and %90 how you react to it. - Failing to plan is planning to fail.

08-11-2003, 05:50 PM	#3
jdratx Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: tx Gender: Male Posts: 30	sorry, bud sad puppy, i gotta say i'm sorry to hear about your problem. that's one of the worst things that can happen to a guy. i believe crookster really nailed it on the head with his comments. you just don't need this in your life-- if you were to take this gal back, you're seriously looking for more trouble and most definitely more heartache. i know you love her very much and she probably loves you a lot too. but the real question is, do you want to be in a "committed" relationship with someone whom you can no longer trust? the love is there, but that doesn't always solve everything. love is also quite blinding. it can easily make you blind to the facts of the situation that easily jump out to other people not in your shoes. i say, it's time to do what you gotta do and be done with her. that sounds to me like the only thing to do at this point. if you want friendship from her later on down the line (and i do mean LATER on down the line), so be it, but you need to give yourself some time to let it all absorb in, to grieve over your failed relationship, to heal, and to move on. you can do it, bud-- it's time to say goodbye. All Good Things... __________________ Salud, Dinero y Amor

08-12-2003, 10:26 PM	#4
Aali Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 14	You dont have to wait till he goes. She owes you this explaination and that you should get. It seems like she likes this dude and at this point does not care about your feeling. I know that hurts but you have to think about yourself. She is thinking about her self too you know. And even if she wants to get back with you? Would you be willing to forgive that she played you so well? Think about it!! Do you love her enough to get past all this and if you do then you should get back with her, other wise a guy who is as caring as you are would get lots of people to care back.

08-14-2003, 11:18 AM	#5
Sadpuppy Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 3	Thanks for the advice and kind words. I feel like I need to wait until he is gone or I'm just gonna push her more away from me. Once he is gone, then reality is going to hit her, and we can have our talk. I still love her very much, but love is not everything. I've decided that I'm going to go through with my plan(the break up - which will take place in about 3 days), and then the ball is in her court, and I'll no longer be waiting by the phone or the one doing the chasing. I'll be clean of it all finally, and be able to try to go out and have some fun. Then much later down the road if she realizes what she had, maybe we can get back together. If that day never comes, then add another failed relationship that could have been amazing to the pile... I feel like that's my only option right now. My path seems clear, I just hope I have the courage and will to stick with it.