Should I forgive and forget??

[Mel27]

Hi everyone,

I started seeing a guy exactly 6 months ago. However, just 2 days ago he admitted that six weeks into our relationship he had a one night stand. I had suspected this for a while but he always denied it. He said it didn't mean anything and at that stage he was unsure of having such a full-on relationship with me. However, since then, he has developed a committed relationship with me and this is why he had lied to me about it - because he didn't want to lose me.

Needless to say, I am very hurt and my self esteem has taken a dive. However, I love him and would very much like to believe it would never happen again (given that it happened early on in our relationship). Is it possible to forgive an act like this? I am 26 and he is 37 so I thought he would know better being that little bit older.

Should I stay with him and try to put this behind us? Or is it a case of "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm really confused about what I should do.

Thanks everyone.

[codyluver05]

I know how you feel...sort of.

I have been cheated on, but it wasn't nearly as bad as what you experienced. I am sorry to hear that happened to you.

Well sweetie...I forgave, but I am still trying to forget. I should be totally over it because he kissed someone only four days into our "dating" and it's been a little over a year.

I think it is always -ok- to forgive and forget. As long as you keep an eye on him. Make sure he is being with honest with you at all times...

If he really loves you and cares for you then he wont do it again. Don't always believe once a cheater always a cheater...it's not always true! Everyone makes mistakes.

You'll get over it eventually as time progresses. Like they say "Let time take it's toll."

Just make sure you tow are able to communicate! It's not easy but you'll be just fine. WE ARE SURVIVIRS. It happens to the better of us!

Hope I helped.

GOOD LUCK!

[Gaeltick]

I wouldn't call six weeks a relationship. How many times did you go out? Can that really be defined as cheating? I am of the belief that their is no cheating when a couple is dating. Dating is playing the field, is it not? Playing the field so you can find the right person to have a commited relationship with.

I don't feel they cheated so the the "once a cheater" theory is moot with me. If you really want to feel better look up the definition of dating. Don't let this effect your self esteem, they didn't cheat on you. Now if he were to do this after six months or a year my answer would be different.

Sometimes we girls commit ourselves to an exclusive relationship way to quickly. We really are supposed to enjoy ourselves and date, so when we do settle down there is a good chance we'll stay down. Just my two cents.

[WorkingThruIt]

I dont know if I can totally agree with Gaetlick, although I can understand where she is coming from. I think the definition of a relationship or "dating" depends on the couple involved. Some may casually date for months, while others may think it exclusive after a couple weeks. (Yes, even some of us males think that way too) Although, if you had not communicated to each other where you thought the relationship stood, maybe he did not see it as far along as you did.?.?

As far as the cheating, I believe that it was something he kept from you, deceived you about, and knew that it was cause you pain, so therefore, I think it would be considered cheating. If it was not cheating, why did he take so long to tell you the truth? on the other hand, he did not ever really have to tell you, so he was upfront and honest, eventually, so you should consider that.

I was recently informed by my wife after 6 years that she had been unfaithful. I dont want to get into all the details, because I would write forever, but I will say that we are working things out, and believe it or not, now that the situation is out in the open, things between us have imporoved greatly. I can not say that it does not still hurt if I dwell on it, but the trick is not to dwell on it. I know I love her, and I know that she loves me, and that we are communicating now better than ever before, and working together to improve our marriage. I only say this because I think it is important for you to know that couples can get past the cheating, and things can get better. Just talk to him, be open with each other, and I would even suggest seeing a relationship counselor if you think it would help things. I never wanted to see one myself, until I related the marital counseling sessions to a tune-up or oil change on my car, a necessity to make sure things run smoothly.

Sorry I rambled, I tend to do that, but iI hope I offered some help.

[Mel27]

Thanks WorkingThruIt,

I am sorry to hear that you are having to deal with an infidelity issue like me but am glad to hear you and your wife are not giving up. It must be so hard but you have certainly given me hope that all is not lost.

I would like to say that in the first 6 weeks of my relationship things weren't serious but they were - and I really thought he felt that too. We were staying at each other's house a 2 or 3 nights a week and he would invite me to go to social things with him. I guess, though, it was never actually stated that it was going to be a long term relationship - but it was my understanding that was the case (judging from his actions also).

I had been suspicious that he had cheated over the last few months and each time I had approached him about it he blatantly lied to me. He justifies this by saying that he didn't want to wreck what we now have - that being a committed relationship. He said at the beginning he wasn't sure where it would lead. I wish he would have told me that at the time though.

The hard part now is getting past it. We've been together 6 months now and it happened 6 weeks in so does it sound silly for me to be concerned about it happening again? He's already getting annoyed because I'm asking so many questions about it - he just wants to forget about it. I need to be able to ask things though, so I can try and start to get over it - it's a healing process. It makes me sick to think of him with someone else - I'm sure you understand that.

It must be hard in a marriage situation to forgive infidelity. I feel bad to be going on about what my boyfriend did when we're not even married and it was quite early on in our relationship - I hope you don't think I'm being silly.

And you're right about counselling. I think it's a good option - especially in a marriage.

The one major hurdle I need to get over is being able to trust him again. How do I know that this was just a stupid mistake early on, and not an indication of further infidelities?? It's really hard but I suppose I'll get there eventually.

Thanks so much for all your help.

[Seraph]

I think it's also important to realize that he was honest with you. (might have taken him a bit) I think his heart is in the right place when he can say something like that to you, and face the consequences rather than having you find out all by yourself and being even more hurt by it.

maybe?

[WorkingThruIt]

Thanks for your comments back, and I would have to point out what Seraph said, that you have to give some credit for him coming forward. Now you can debate that he was only trying torelieve his own guilt, and that if he was feeling guilty, then he knew it was wrong even early on in the relationship, but I would think you should concentrate on the thought that he did tell you, and that in the end he did CHOOSE YOU. I know that is one thing that I had to almost force myself to concentrate on with my situation, and in time it has helped.

As far as the trust issues, there is no easy way to rebuild that trust. I know now that the rebuilding of the trust takes much longer than it took to initially establish, especially with something so hurtful as infidelity.

In my situation, one thing I realized was that there was a reason for the infidelity, that there was something she was lacking, (and to tell the truth so was I) and that was the attention and togetherness of your signifigant other. I am not saying that this excuses the infidelity, although did go for a long stretch of blaming myself, but when I focused on the areas that we were lacking in, (basically I was working over nights and she days, and different days off and three kids to take care of so we never had any time, let alone quality time together) and i focused on the positives of the relationship, and my love for her, that started my path of getting past things and us working it out together. And to tell the truth, this almost sounds weird, but our marriage is already stronger than it ever was, and I know it is getting stronger each and every day. So, in a weird way, the infidelity was a good thing for us, even though I have to admit that thought still leaves a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth to say the least, I know it is helping me get through things and moving on with the relationship.

As far as you asking too many questions, and him getting frustrated with that, express to him that yu are working through all this, and working on rebuilding that trust again, and the ONLY WAY for you to do that is through communication. I at first thought that talking to my wife about things over and over was a bad idea, rehashing the same things and frustrating her, but I later realized (through the advice of our counselor) that the communication is the only path to rebuilding the relationship. If he denies you the communication as an outlet of your feelings, there is no way for you to heal and wrk through things to improve the relationship. I know that it was not easy for my wife to hear how hurt I was by her actions, and the depths of despair and personal struggle I was going though, but I knowthat she wants to work things out and was willing to help me work through things in whatever way she could. In the very least I think that he owes this to you to improve the relationship, although I dont want or think that getting into the "you owe it to me because You cheated" thing because that is unhealthy as well.

I hope you get the chance to see the psychologist, or maybe just look into some professional help through some of the numerous books available, a lot of them are featured here on this site. Check out the titles and reviews, and then look them up on half.com for some cheap prices.

Hope thigns work out...

[TotallyGutted]

I'd say in the greater scheme of things, a one night stand six weeks into a relationship isnt a deal breaker, ok it probably hurts like hell, but even a kiss will hurt a lot. I think it boils down to how much you want to forgive him, i.e. how much you want to continue the relationship. I'm not sure I subscribe to the once a cheater, always a cheater philosophy, or if i do, i'd say everyone is a cheater, just some never actually get around to it. Personally, I'm willing to forgive my girlfirend of 11 years for a full on 4 month affair and all the unbelievable pain that has brought me. And she didnt even confess - I found out via a text message! dont know for sure she wont do it again, but before this happened, I would have said that I could trust her 1 million percent, much more than any other partner I've had. So you just never know. But because I trully love her despite everything I'm willing to, against my better judgement, give her another chance.

[idunno]

your deal is like mine. if your offending party is like mine then you have probably heard the "we weren't in a committed relationship". it's all garbage.

you have no kids, i assume, you hate this thing that exists now. count your freaking blessings and find someone else. i mean it. i don't have the options you have. be relieved and be gone. this thing is like super glue. you will never trust this person again. they do not deserve to be trusted.

sorry for being so negative but you are young and you should do better for yourself