Smoking/Allergy and Alcohol Issue with BF

sayer7 · 07-24-2003, 03:19 PM

I am 24 and my bf is 30. I grew up with parents who drank a lot and had to quit smoking... and my bf grew up with very non-alcoholic non-smoking parents. So it's kinda interesting we've gone opposite ways than our parents in terms of smoking and drinking.

Anyway, my bf doesn't smoke often, only when we're with his friends who all smoke. And when he does smoke, he only smokes two or three cigarettes and sometime only just a few drags off of one. So I guess you could say he is a social smoker. In anycase, I'm not a smoker and I'm allergic to smoke- I breakout in hives and my eyes swell up. In terms of drinking, I just don't drink. I don't like the taste or smell of alcohol so I don't drink. My bf is a social drinker and I've sometimes needed to drive him home because he was too buzzed to drive. One time he refused to let me drive my car even knowing I can't drive his truck because of the manual gears...he feels it's the man's job to drive the woman where ever on dates. I told him i t was fine as long as he didn't get too buzzed to drive- and he said he wouldn't. I wound up learning how to drive manual on my own that night because he was too buzzed to drive.

The problem starts when we're all out together with his friends and everyone is smoking and drinking but me. Because of the smoke, sometimes I start getting itchy so I leave the party and go outside for fresh air. When I come back my bf is all testy that I left the group even after I tell him I was getting itchy and I needed air. He tells me that my allergic reaction is just a 'mental concoction'... that it's all in my head. I get mad and I just stop talking to him for a while- which he later starts feeling guilty about and tries to apologize and brush off the incident as if it were just a joke. I don't pursue the issue because I know if I do he'll start with his spiel about how bad a person he is to smoke etcetc... and that i should just break up with him because I'm too good for him... etcetc. I've learned not to press the issue so that it doesn't escalate to him beating himself down.

With the drinking issue, like I said I don't drink. In the beginning of the relationship he once told me to my face that he wished I drank more so I'd fit in with his friends more. I was totally offended and I told him outright that he was disrespecting me and that I didn't appreciate him pressuring me to drink more. I was livid. He immediately retracted his statement and did his 'I'm a loser, you should dump me" spiel. I know he retracted his statement, but for me the damage was done. Not only did I feel like MORE of an outsider to the group ever since then, I continue to feel like he wished I drank more just to fit in. I continue to feel uncomfortable if not more so now whenever we are all together and everyone is smoking and drinking except me.

He's always told me that he chose me to be his gf because he didn't want a smoker or a drinker gf anymore... but then he's also said he wished I drank more so I would fit in. So I don't understand exactly what he wants in a gf anymore.

His friends are always very considerate and ask if they can smoke across the table from me and I appreciate it and usually let them because I know they will only smoke a short one and not a whole cigarette. He, on the other hand, will ask if he can smoke, and then sit right next to me and smoke 2 or 3 cigarettes in a row. Often, I've changed seats to get away from his smoke and refused to kiss him many times during and after him smoking. I know he feels hurt by this and that it is kind of disrespectful of me to do that, but I feel he's being disrespectful by smoking right next to me and then demanding that I kiss him right after he's finished a cigarette when he knows I'm allergic.

How should I deal with his behavior and how can I repair the feeling that I don't fit in with his friends. If it hadn't been for his statement, I know by now I would feel like I mixed in with the group nicely. What should I do?

segagirl · 07-24-2003, 04:12 PM

A way to repair feelings about "not fitting in" is by simply realizing this is a statement he made out of his own insecurities. His friends did not say this! These types of behaviors are not what makes and keeps friends, it the kind of person you are..and what you have to offer. Like you, I have been in this situation before. And have heard the same words before...."I wish you partied more, but I don't want a girl who is a party girl"

yeah that makes sense. lol
So I finally after many years learned that I fit in with the people for other reasons, I'm funny, sarcastic, caring and easy to talk to...I am laid back...etc..so, I was able to enjoy my time out with them, still not drinking etc...but still had fun just by being me.
In the end, I made a decision, at times I would not go. And if it was something he wanted to do, I was just as happy that he did it without me.
and I mean encouraging....guess what happened, he decided most of the time he would rather be with me...
In regards to the allergic reaction...I think it would be nice if he were a little more sensitive about this....In reality it just sounds like he does not believe you. The best you can do is set the rules in advance...honey, don't care what you do..but don't stand next to me and don't kiss me if you are going to smoke. This way you are setting boundaries for you, not him.
And lastly, if it's something you don't want in your life...you may have to consider if he fits the bill.

crookster_man · 07-24-2003, 04:24 PM

I understand that you are upset with your BF's actions they are rather immature. First off I must say he sounds very insecure. His lack of confidence can't be attractive. Of course if he is confident then his reaction "I'm no good dump me... blah blah" is just a defence mechanism that works because you accept it. It gets him what he wants. You back off.

If you feel uncomfortable about a situation, then address it. If he starts that self-pity crap again, call him on it. Don't allow him to get away with it. Tell him that you are not going to dump him, but that you want this issue addressed.

you have the right to expect the best things from a relationship. Don't settle for less. You deserve the best.

07-24-2003, 03:19 PM	#1
sayer7 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Southeast USA Age: 30 Posts: 365	Smoking/Allergy and Alcohol Issue with BF I am 24 and my bf is 30. I grew up with parents who drank a lot and had to quit smoking... and my bf grew up with very non-alcoholic non-smoking parents. So it's kinda interesting we've gone opposite ways than our parents in terms of smoking and drinking. Anyway, my bf doesn't smoke often, only when we're with his friends who all smoke. And when he does smoke, he only smokes two or three cigarettes and sometime only just a few drags off of one. So I guess you could say he is a social smoker. In anycase, I'm not a smoker and I'm allergic to smoke- I breakout in hives and my eyes swell up. In terms of drinking, I just don't drink. I don't like the taste or smell of alcohol so I don't drink. My bf is a social drinker and I've sometimes needed to drive him home because he was too buzzed to drive. One time he refused to let me drive my car even knowing I can't drive his truck because of the manual gears...he feels it's the man's job to drive the woman where ever on dates. I told him i t was fine as long as he didn't get too buzzed to drive- and he said he wouldn't. I wound up learning how to drive manual on my own that night because he was too buzzed to drive. The problem starts when we're all out together with his friends and everyone is smoking and drinking but me. Because of the smoke, sometimes I start getting itchy so I leave the party and go outside for fresh air. When I come back my bf is all testy that I left the group even after I tell him I was getting itchy and I needed air. He tells me that my allergic reaction is just a 'mental concoction'... that it's all in my head. I get mad and I just stop talking to him for a while- which he later starts feeling guilty about and tries to apologize and brush off the incident as if it were just a joke. I don't pursue the issue because I know if I do he'll start with his spiel about how bad a person he is to smoke etcetc... and that i should just break up with him because I'm too good for him... etcetc. I've learned not to press the issue so that it doesn't escalate to him beating himself down. With the drinking issue, like I said I don't drink. In the beginning of the relationship he once told me to my face that he wished I drank more so I'd fit in with his friends more. I was totally offended and I told him outright that he was disrespecting me and that I didn't appreciate him pressuring me to drink more. I was livid. He immediately retracted his statement and did his 'I'm a loser, you should dump me" spiel. I know he retracted his statement, but for me the damage was done. Not only did I feel like MORE of an outsider to the group ever since then, I continue to feel like he wished I drank more just to fit in. I continue to feel uncomfortable if not more so now whenever we are all together and everyone is smoking and drinking except me. He's always told me that he chose me to be his gf because he didn't want a smoker or a drinker gf anymore... but then he's also said he wished I drank more so I would fit in. So I don't understand exactly what he wants in a gf anymore. His friends are always very considerate and ask if they can smoke across the table from me and I appreciate it and usually let them because I know they will only smoke a short one and not a whole cigarette. He, on the other hand, will ask if he can smoke, and then sit right next to me and smoke 2 or 3 cigarettes in a row. Often, I've changed seats to get away from his smoke and refused to kiss him many times during and after him smoking. I know he feels hurt by this and that it is kind of disrespectful of me to do that, but I feel he's being disrespectful by smoking right next to me and then demanding that I kiss him right after he's finished a cigarette when he knows I'm allergic. How should I deal with his behavior and how can I repair the feeling that I don't fit in with his friends. If it hadn't been for his statement, I know by now I would feel like I mixed in with the group nicely. What should I do? __________________ Learn from the Past, Live in the Present, Prepare for the Future.

07-24-2003, 04:12 PM	#2
segagirl Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: not sure anymore.....:) Posts: 887	A way to repair feelings about "not fitting in" is by simply realizing this is a statement he made out of his own insecurities. His friends did not say this! These types of behaviors are not what makes and keeps friends, it the kind of person you are..and what you have to offer. Like you, I have been in this situation before. And have heard the same words before...."I wish you partied more, but I don't want a girl who is a party girl" yeah that makes sense. lol So I finally after many years learned that I fit in with the people for other reasons, I'm funny, sarcastic, caring and easy to talk to...I am laid back...etc..so, I was able to enjoy my time out with them, still not drinking etc...but still had fun just by being me. In the end, I made a decision, at times I would not go. And if it was something he wanted to do, I was just as happy that he did it without me. and I mean encouraging....guess what happened, he decided most of the time he would rather be with me... In regards to the allergic reaction...I think it would be nice if he were a little more sensitive about this....In reality it just sounds like he does not believe you. The best you can do is set the rules in advance...honey, don't care what you do..but don't stand next to me and don't kiss me if you are going to smoke. This way you are setting boundaries for you, not him. And lastly, if it's something you don't want in your life...you may have to consider if he fits the bill. __________________ "Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." -Joshua J. Marine

07-24-2003, 04:24 PM	#3
crookster_man Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Ontario Canada Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 982	I understand that you are upset with your BF's actions they are rather immature. First off I must say he sounds very insecure. His lack of confidence can't be attractive. Of course if he is confident then his reaction "I'm no good dump me... blah blah" is just a defence mechanism that works because you accept it. It gets him what he wants. You back off. If you feel uncomfortable about a situation, then address it. If he starts that self-pity crap again, call him on it. Don't allow him to get away with it. Tell him that you are not going to dump him, but that you want this issue addressed. you have the right to expect the best things from a relationship. Don't settle for less. You deserve the best. __________________ - One’s merit is measured not in actions but in the quality of one’s character . - Life is %10 what happens to you and %90 how you react to it. - Failing to plan is planning to fail.