Help! I am so angry my husband doesn't listen to me

[Gabriela]

Hello my friends!

I really needed to vent here...............I no longer want this to be public

[segagirl]

First I am sorry to hear about the situation with you're health. I hope that it tuns out ok. It is very important that you watch you're stress levels, being highly stressed is a direct link to illness.
I could look at this and just assume he is not hearing you, or is insensitive, but I won't...not my style. So...here it goes.
You are right, he does not think what you are saying is interesting, which comes from how the two of you have been communicating. I do not know the history, but it looks like he thinks that you over stress your case, or are a little bit on the dramtic side. So he tends to drowned you out. The best you can do is realize there is indeed something underneath this that he is not telling you. You have hit a brick wall in your communication, and you really need to find some quiet time to sit down and talk with him. I dont mean sit down and say : you dont do this, you dont do that. I mean sit down in a calm, supportive way and ask him to tell you how he feels about the way YOU commuincate with him, and what if anything is causing him stress. It is likley if you really hear him, he will in turn start to listen to you. And if he does, then help him understand what you like in return...in a nice way.

[SwingFox]

Hello Gabriela,

Welcome back to eNotalone.com and thank you for sharing another advice request with us. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand that your husband is not really showing interest in your problems and things that keep you busy. It starts to get you really angry and upset.

I believe that communication here is the key to the solution. You have been 'overpowered' a few times and unfortunately you might need some courage to get to things. My suggestion is that you make him sit down and that you tell him to listen to you this time, because you are very upset. Explain him that you love him, but that he is not really showing interest in what you are doing. You might want to explain him that it is driving you crazy and that you would like to work to a solution. Ask him what his thoughts are.

Based on his ideas you might find a way to compromize. Be sure that you put your needs right NEXT to his needs. In other words: your needs are as important as his needs are, no matter what. You might or might not be able to solve this problem. If not, then you might have to draw some painful conclusions.

I hope that this helped you on your way and I wish you good luck.

~ SwingFox ~

[AtMyWitsEnd]

Originally Posted by Gabriela

Hello my friends!

I really need to vent here...............I am so angry that my husband does not listen to me...........................just last week I was telling him I found a lump in my breast, and I wanted to share with him about the insurance I will be getting next month, and I wanted his feedback about my insurance situation and the urgency to see a doctor regarding my lump.........

Anyway, he abruptly truncated the conversation, saying "I heard you the first time" and would not let me finish my thoughts......

More than anything, I NEEDED to share my fears about a possible malign tumor, about my present insurance situation, etc.......................

So he said "YOU ARE TRYING TO START A FIGHT", instead of validating my feelings and my NEED as a wife to share my fears, thoughts, etc.........

Unfortunately, this is not the first time, he has this habit of changing the subject every time I want to talk about things that interest me..........

Another example: just today at dinner time, I wanted to tell him a shocking story about a patient I saw at the clinic where I work...........to which he answered: "too bad, poor girl", and then his focus shifted to the cat............he began pointing out how cute the cat is, etc.........

And the list goes on and on.............I feel as though the cat, the weather, the passing fly or anything stupid is more interesting to him than anything that his wife has to share with him.........

I am desperately ANGRY and do not know what to do with my anger, because every single time I want to talk with him about my frustration when it comes to being heard, he acuses me of wanting to start a fight, and then AGAIN my craving for communication and sharing important stuff with my husband is drowned by his lack of interest in whatever I have to say.

Although I still love him (we have been married for 3 years only), I am seriously thinking of leaving him, because I cannot stand the thought of sharing the rest of my life with a partner who does not meet my one most essential personal need, which is TO BE ABLE TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS, DREAMS, WANTS AND FEARS WITH MY LIFE PARTNER.

The last example is when I wanted to explain to him some important details about my sexuality, (I mentioned that being touched in a certain way hurts a whole lot), and instead of wanting to know more, he became extremely defensive, agressive and insulting, saying "NOW I AM ALSO A BAD LOVER"................... I tried to explain that I was not attacking or lecturing him, that I was only trying to teach him what works and what does not work for me (sexually speaking).

But once the defensiveness came in the way, again, my dream of sharing INTIMATE stuff with my husband became truncated and then I just shut up................and shut down..............

Can anybody suggest a better way to help a husband listen??????????
I am so resentful that I want to run away to punish him..........

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs to all,
Gabriela

My God. You could be describing my own husband. We have been married for seven years and I left him last October because he was absolutely stubbornly unwilling to listen to me or communicate with me. We both had other relationships only to get back together a month later. I moved back into his house after my six-month lease at my rental was up. I have a brain tumor and he doesn't ever ask me how I am feeling or whether my health is okay. I am literally at my wit's end because, like you say, I will try to talk to him about something, like something I shot at work ( I am a news photographer), or something to do with my brain tumor or headaches or seizures, or something about what I am writing (I am an author), and he will interrupt me to point at the cat swatting at the T.V. screen, even though I was LOOKING at the cat and smiling when he interrupted me to say "look at how cute the cat is!" And I am at my wit's end because I feel like I was tricked into loving this guy who acted like he cared about me until I was securely installed in his life and his house and then he just began to stop listening and now he doesn't ever hear what I say. I will be saying, "that name you called me hurt my feelings," and he will be arguing back " I called you that because I anticipated that you were going to say something mean and so I did first" when in fact I was being calm and trying to talk to him while he became angrier and angrier and then began screaming obscenities at me.
I have many things I have lived through in my life and so I have had problems with my temper since we were together but I have worked to change myself and the people close to me could vouch, even my husband, that I am much calmer and don't get angry as often, but his lack of willingness to listen or communicate makes me SO angry and frustrated and I don't want to walk away from the marriage that I have put SO much of myself into, but he won't invest ANYTHING of himself. I just don't know what to do.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

Originally Posted by segagirl

First I am sorry to hear about the situation with you're health. I hope that it tuns out ok. It is very important that you watch you're stress levels, being highly stressed is a direct link to illness.
I could look at this and just assume he is not hearing you, or is insensitive, but I won't...not my style. So...here it goes.
You are right, he does not think what you are saying is interesting, which comes from how the two of you have been communicating. I do not know the history, but it looks like he thinks that you over stress your case, or are a little bit on the dramtic side. So he tends to drowned you out. The best you can do is realize there is indeed something underneath this that he is not telling you. You have hit a brick wall in your communication, and you really need to find some quiet time to sit down and talk with him. I dont mean sit down and say : you dont do this, you dont do that. I mean sit down in a calm, supportive way and ask him to tell you how he feels about the way YOU commuincate with him, and what if anything is causing him stress. It is likley if you really hear him, he will in turn start to listen to you. And if he does, then help him understand what you like in return...in a nice way.

I would like to say this approach will work. But I have tried this myself many a time. I am a Buddhist and meditate or do active meditation to prevent anger. When I calmly bring up what would be considered flaws in my husband's communicational skills he accuses me of "calling him names" while at the same time screaming at me that I am an a**hole and a f*cking d*ck because I said he was a "quitter" because he was unwilling to work on himself at all when it came to our relationship. He jumps up and down with spittle flying--he looks like Rumpelstiltskin.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

We are supposed to go see a marriage counselor this week. My husband blames all of our problems on me. He thinks he is perfect. He is utterly surround by people who tell him how great he is all day. His family, his co-workers. My siblings and I are not close, my father died less than three years ago, my mom and I are close but my siblings don't have good relationships with her or I or any of the rest of the family, while his family constantly tells him what a wonderful guy he is, although they only see him for an hour once a month and they have no idea what it is like to be married to him. He's a nurse and works with elderly ladies who are thrilled to have a young man anywhere near them, so all his shift at work he's hearing, "you smell so good," "you're so handsome," and old women saying they won't take their meds until he hugs them. I work in a job where I am literally attacked on the side of the road by a crazy woman who doesn't want me videotaping her husband's drunken accident or by a crackhead who doesn't want me putting the house fire they just caused on the news. He gets all this positivity from everyone. I have supported him in going to school and getting certified. He builds interesting bikes and I was the one who encouraged him to start actually building them rather than just talking about it. Hell, even when we were separated after I left him, I did a news story about his bikes. The SECOND one that I had done and he brought his GIRLFRIEND to the (news video) shoot! I had driven to another TOWN to videotape late in my shift RIGHT BEFORE the news and he brought some * * * * * with him! And when I commented on the bad taste of that considering I was going out of my way to put him on the news despite our relationship or lack thereof at the time, he said, "oh, I didn't even think of it."

I made a frame and prints of the cartoons he draws and framed it in a really cool way and gave it to him for Christmas. I have bought him a Les Paul guitar and amp set, concert tickets many-a-time, a DVD recorder, for Christmas and his birthday. I took him to meet GEORGE FREAKIN ROMERO and Tom Savini and fifty other horror stars at FRIGHTMARE. The first or second year we were together, he had no problem blowing a $75 gift card I got for my birthday on Halloween crap at Walmart that HE liked. He has been like that since the beginning.
I have often been deprived of things in my life; I had hard-working parents who provided well for me, but my father was violent and an alcoholic. I moved out at 17. I am used to not having a lot or getting a lot. But it would be nice if he appreciated all I give of myself to him.
I am to the point now where if he is unwilling to listen or try to fix anything about himself, he can just file for divorce and I will drag him through an ugly battle because the only thing I can get out of this whole mess is at least what I put into it in material possessions or money, because I will never get the love and commitment to communication and the relationship from him that I have given out myself.

He asked and asked and asked to read my book that I am writing. It's 134 pages. He doesn't read. He's not a reader. I am. Always have been. He read my first novel, or, at least, part of it. It's a children's novel. He said he liked it. He kept picking at it. He actually said, "this character doesn't seem like he would say this," to me. WHAT?!!? YOU DON'T EVEN FREAKING READ! And I am the AUTHOR! He's read like one fiction book in ten years. And it was an adult horror. Not for kids.
As an author, this is my first big piece of work. I am very vulnerable in handing over what is essentially my baby to my husband to read. And WHILE he's saying he thinks it's great and really interesting, he's INSULTING it. That broke my heart a bit. It breaks my heart a little more every day that I can't get through to him.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

Originally Posted by Brianna

i didn't read the whole post but saw the words: support, encourage and glancing at the post it looks as if you wanted some sort of recognition for all you've done for him. normal. but that's just it. that's the role you play for him: supporting. so when you try and switch and get some of your needs met...he tunes out. i assume he's been doing it for a while and has learned you will stay in this dynamic, but just gripe about it occasionally to which he can say this or that and get you off his back.

To gabriela, i assume it's the same with your situation. you play a supporting cast role and i assume always have to some extent? by allowing him early on to continue not meeting your needs you fixed this dynamic. right now you nag, but nagging is what people do when they feel powerless and he knows it so doesn't respond. whiners are powerless people. people who have a plan are far less bothered right? cause they aren't dependent.

i think these men don't want wives that they have to attend to the way their wives attend to them so are not amenable to change unless threatened with loss of their lifestyle, then once you go back they slip into old ways. they take her for granted because they can. i would suggest turning to others for the attention and love that you need. eventually he will sense your detachment and either come around or he won't and in any event you'll begin to see how much less you need him and take appropriate steps towards leaving or not.

because your health is at risk i suggest that you start paying sole attention to you right now and don't upset yourself about where he's at...lean on your friends and family and don't expect him to rise to the occasion. he may begin to see this and offer more of himself or he may not and then you can decide whether you really want to offer your love to someone like that.

once you aren't dependent on him for emotional support your demeanor towards him will be changed and he may begin to act a little better towards you; you can treat him in a less naggy, needy way and he may begin to seek out your company more when it appears more worthwhile (positive) to him. but make it conditional. he has to start to show more loving gestures to get that positive attention from you. that is how you re-train them. when he doesn't you pull away when he does he gets positive reinforcement. some men will 'learn' and others will move away. so that is how you know if he was a keeper or only with you for the wrong reasons anyway.

it sounds like a pain and it is, but that is the only way i learned to fix this.

Thank you for the advice. Somehow, I feel like not being able to lean on my husband sort of means that he's not willing to act AS a husband should and I should just get used to it and deal with it in my own way. I know you mean well. I am just already jaded about this. It's been years.

[AtMyWitsEnd]

Well, I found out that my brain tumor hasn't grown but I have two lesions on my brain now. Less than 48 hours after finding out that terrific news, my husband told me he wants a divorce. It's settled. It's over. I am devastated, he doesn't really care. He says "I'm sorry" and "I love you" but he never ever tried really and he's giving up anyway.
What the heck did I need him for anyway? I wrote a 6-page horror story in my head in the 30 minutes after he broke up with me and I just typed it up. I will have a lot more time for my writing when I don't have to worry about taking care of him.

[rlh1383]

I was reading through these posts because it all sounds the same as my situation, but then I read this last one about your husband asking for a divorce. I am so sorry! I know exactly how you must feel. Abandoned, hurt, victimized & so much more. I often tell myself (at least daily) that it would be better if he'd just leave, but at the same time, I'd be so upset & furious at him if he did!! I'd feel that I stayed through all the garbage & put up with his bad behavior for years just to have him say that he's unhappy!!
Guess what though? Any new relationship that he has will end up the same way. She'll be going through what you went through. Guaranteed! I firmly believe that men who act this way are actually "suffering" from Narcissistic Personality. Look it up & you'll be shocked. What I thought a narcissistic person was like..you know, always looking in the mirror, etc.. is NOT what I found. What I learned is that a narcissistic person shows no emotion, is incapable of empathy, does not communicate, acts arrogant, starts arguments even if you just try to talk to them in a calm way, has severe anger issues, & more. Even with all kinds of therapy & medication, the prognosis for narcissists is not good. The rarely get better, or even acknowledge that they have a problem. They will always blame the other for all of the problems. Once they leave you, they hate you. Doesn't all this sound familiar? I thought it did!!
I've been with my husband (if I can call him that!!) for 25 years!!!! At first it was for our son, which is a stupid reason to stay, then once my son got married & left home, I stayed (and continue to stay) out of fear. As he has gotten older (we are both in our mid 40's) he has also gotten worse. His anger, which was never terribly physical, has escalated in the last year or so. He now is not only emotionally & mentally abusive, but also physically. He broke my finger a month ago. He grabbed my face & caused me a lot pain, he's pushed me. And all this is because I had back surgery & became depressed. He can't handle my depression because I can't do anything to boost his ego, so he isn't seeing my pain. He's only seeing that I'm not making him feel omnipotent. So now he can't stand the sight of me. I know that if I don't get out (& I can't see how I can...no money, no family), I firmly believe he will kill me. I'll either have a stroke or heart attack or I'll end up committing suicide. I can no longer take the sighs, the refusal to listen or even just acknowledge, the constant bad moods, the look of hate on his face & on & on.
One last note: I'll pray for you & your health. God Bless You.
Robin

[MB625]

I am so sorry to see that others are going through what I am. Anger? Deep, deep sadness and hurt and broken hearted. My husband is the best at talking about himself! Hours and hours about him, his job, his thoughts. He thinks something - he says it - no filter! no thought of my feelings - he has every right to say EXACTLY what he thinks. But.... here's the catch..... when I talk - he is watching (and listening) to TV... acting like he is listening, then when I pause, something about him comes out of his mouth. There is no validation of anything I say. I don't work outside the home. I am a housewife with 4 kids - 2 still at home. Granted, my days aren't full of excitement, but I am still a functioning human being with thoughts and feelings and needs that go unaddressed day in and day out. When I want to talk and there is no response OR the response to me is anger, because I'm picking a fight, I'm "biting the hand that feeds" - I'm causing all the problems because I go out of MY way to cause him problems and I'm a * * * * * and (this is the best) I'm crazy because I make up all of these problems. I like to make him unhappy.
I really feel crazy and lost and so very, much alone. Ten years of having nobody to really talk to.... nobody to really share my thoughts and feelings without HUGE repercussions. I am so much alone. Everytime I try.... I try thinking that this time I might be able to say something and get one ounce of empathy or respect or anything that seems like he cares.
I know... I've for years that he doesn't really care.... If it isn't about him it's not worth the time..... I am so sad..... I don't know what to do..... I have nobody... I want somebody to listen and empathize when I have bad days or bad times or when I just have something to get off my chest..... I am so alone.... what can I do?
i've thought about counseling... isn't that great... I have to now pay somebody to listen to me and act like a friend...... Otherwise, I don't have friends.... I am at home with a 3 and 2 year old. I need something that my husband just doesn't want to give.......
I can't go on like this without feeling crazy most of the time........