Had A Bad Day Again - Dazed and Confused

Hey,

Alright, this is the deal. I met this girl my senior year in High School. We hit it off and we started college together. We were together for 2 1/2 years and we lived together for two. She broke up with me about a month ago because she had changed and I didn't think I was ready to change. So we broke up and two days later I realized that I was ready to change, that she was the one and that I want to marry this girl. I had moved accross the hall of our apartment complex the day we broke up. Anyways the day after I realized all this I woke up and was excited because I thought I knew where my life was headed. About 30 minutes after I was up I heard her door close, I knew she was probably going to work so I looked out the window to get a glimpse, and I saw something that hurt me more than anything ever has. I saw her walking hand-in-hand with some guy, they walked to her car, she sat down, he leaned in and kissed her, and she went to work. I died in that moment. Now I see her all the time and we are spending some time together. She still tells me she loves me and misses me, but she's with this other guy. I'm so CONFUSED. I can't stop thinking about her and when he's not around she looks to hang out with me. We say were best friends but I want to be more than a friend. Everytime I start to get over her she calls me at 3am or says something to give me hope. I don't know what to do. I know time will tell, but this really sucks. She tells me now that I have become everything she's always wanted. Then why is it so hard to get rid of this guy and give it a chance? Desperatly Needing advice.

Jason

Mate. I am in exactly the same situation. I tryed hard to start off with to win her back, but that only made it worse. She too tells me that she loves me, just isnt in love with me. At least shes spending time with you, although I suspect this isnt helping you to move on, as we both have to now. She may come back, she may not, you just have to back off and wait. I know its a cliche but its true, as I am finding out to my cost and pain. If you love someone, let them go. My stomachs turning as I tell you this, but you havent ***ed it up yet. Its going to be hard but stay happy, coz if your glum then you will be unattractive and only put pressure on her.

See my post titled 'resigned to loosing her'.

If I had a heart left it would go out to you.

Steve

Hi Jason, Hi Steve.. there seems to be a lot to this going on at the moment. Don't know if it is something in the air or an outbreak of summer madness..

My girl for 4.5 years called time on our relationship at the beginning of April this year. I had no idea it was coming, and what came pretty much destroyed me for about 6 weeks, and yes it was to do with another guy that she met.

We are still in this phase of "Being Friends" as we still have a lot of things to get out of the apartment and other bits and pieces to tie up. The confusion arrises from not being able to let go of the relationship. Normally when a relationship ends, people should move on, stop conversation... but it's never that easy.

In any breakup there is the Dumper and the Dumpee. You and I my friend were dumped for other guys. It's taken me nearly 3 months to realise that there isn't anything I can do to get her back and I'm now thinking that I don't want her back anyway. I treat people the way I would like to be treated and I would have never have done what she did to me to her...

I've moved on now. As difficult as it is I will remain civil and polite to her until all of the crap is done and then I don't want anything further to do with her. If she want to contact me in the Future, I might go along with it, truth is I probably will as I would still take her back today, being the fool that I am, and knowing what she had don, how she had lied, andknowing that there is a risk that she did it once and she could do it again...

The difference is its up to me now..

If you don't have any financial ties, nothing stopping you from removing her from your world, do it right now.... What happens is you get the control back, it will be her then that will need to contact you... as long as she doesn't she is using you because you are the Dumpee and want her back !!

She's got another guy, like mine did. She's seeing you "as a friend" when he's not about???? Get a grip fella, reverse the situation completely, would she put up with you doing that to her.......... I don't bloody think so..

It's difficult mate but, blow her out and move on..

Be lucky

optimistic

I wasnt dumped...we split very mutually, but I suspect this makes no odds anyway!

Where you from Optomistic?

Mate, originally South London.

Been living in Germany for the last 4 and a half years though..

It is so NOT easy to split mate. This site helped me a lot back in early June. If you are interested what happened to me, check out my first post. I had no idea this was going to happen and was even going to ask her to marry me.... then, bang the world got turned upside down.

All I can give you is a condenced digest of what got me where I am now, with my chin up, shoulders back and chest forward, even if I don't feel like doing it...

Time makes it better. Believe that. I'm by no means over her, but I'm getting stronger.

Don't contact her. Don't email her, Don't SMS her, Don't call her... (this is the most difficult one, especially after a few beers)

Get sporty, go to the Gym, work out, run. Physical exercise is a fantastic diversion from thinking about it. It makes you feel better and after 2 months you can see the results, you look better feel bettter and its a good positive cycle.

Spend time with good friends, try to start laughing again.... try not to take solace in alcohol.. drinking too much just blows it for on night, it comes back and gets you worse afterwards..

finally, stay positive. Stick post it notes everywhere telling yourself to stay positive, and keep your chin up..

Be lucky fella..

Colin

unfortunately sent her loads of TXT's when drunk at the start so already ***ed it all up! Done all of those positive things that I can. unfortunately we both live in the same small town, so not seeing her isnt an option. Secondly, Im not from this town origionally so have no tight circle of friends to fall back on. Having to manage on my own as she was my best friend.

C'est la vie

Jason2201,

This girl sounds like she is either the confused one or she is stringing you along. I would beware of her. You may be setting yourself up for some major heartbreak. I really think you should steer clear of this girl as she sounds like bad news.

But, I know it's hard, especially at this point and with her saying all these things to mess with your mind and heart. Tell us some more (maybe it'll help you see things more clearly as well). You didn't mention if the original breakup a month ago was mutual. or one-sided. When you say, "she had changed," just what do you mean? She may have already had this other guy in her sights and used that as an excuse. Her saying she loves you. . . there are many kinds of love but does she say how she loves you? Calling you at 3 a.m. sounds strange. I hope she's being honest about the reason for calling you at such an hour. Has she been drinking? Has she had a bad night out with her boyfriend?

Telling you that you're everything she's always wanted, then continuing to see someone else and keep you at a distance except when it's convenient for her sounds to me like she's just using you to boost her ego but she's not at all concerned about your feelings.

Really, ask her the same questions you asked here, but in a stronger way. Don't allow people to be ambivalent with you. Allow actions to speak not words. Words are really quite worthless. You're hearing the words and then seeing the things she does and they don't add up. This is what's confusing you. It would confuse anyone! But it's only confusing if you take her words to heart. Don't!

Don't allow this to continue. It will mess with your mind. Don't make excuses for her. Speak your mind. One of my favorite images is the child in "The Emperor's New Clothes" crying out, "But he has no clothes!!" Be that little child and stay true to what you feel and express it. Don't be a sucker.

I'm Done Talking About it. "You've got to trust your instincts and let go of regrets, you've got to bet on yourself now, cause thats your best bet.

First of all, Jason2201, you're not pathetic. What you're doing is very normal and very understandable. My advice is not meant to shame you into thinking you have no control and you're weak or pathetic if you continue to see this girl.

I mean, after all, you can do what you want. There's nothing that says you can't be with someone who is with someone else. We're not talking morals here and I never would do that either even if it the general society would say it applied.

The advice is merely to help you see what you're doing and as someone who has been there (many times) I'm just trying to warn you because I know the consequences. You may not think it hurts you. You may continue in relationships that hurt because you develop a shell and say, "It's OK, I can take it." That's what I did for years, and the same pattern kept reocurring.

Now, you could say, "So what? If the same thing keeps happening you'll get used to it and it won't hurt." Well, it does hurt and the hurt gets worse because the circumstances seem to escalate. Right now, you're young and maybe your pain and worrying doesn't mess up your life too much but later, when you can't work and you have to in order to pay the bill, the consequences of being in a relationship with someone who is draining you will become harder to take.

It sounds like your definition of what friends do and don't do is different from hers. That's fine. Everyone has their own lifestyle and ideas for the lifestyle they want but the two don't seem compatible here so they'll lead to inevitable conflicts.

You say you want to be her friend but not her back-up plan. Well, what you call friend and what she calls friend are not the same, obviously. Or she is trying to stretch the definition, catch you so to speak with her definition of friend, when really you are just a back-up plan.

Again, though, you'll only be able to get away from this kind of thing when you're ready to. I just want to help speed up that process by warning you. If I had been warned that I would spend so many years of my life wasted on the same pattern when I could have moved on and really had a great relationship with someone perhaps I would have learned my lesson sooner.

When you keep someone like this in your life it is impossible to allow someone who is good for you in. You may find someone else but they'll likely be the same or very, very similar.

Take it from an old hand. It's not worth it.

I'll be OK