Jump to content

Married, but feeling alone.


Recommended Posts

I am married and feeling alone in my relationship. We have been married 10 of 14 years. I am a firm believer in making my marriage work, but I am at a time, where I am unhappy in our relationship. I often wonder if it is because we don't have alot in common, maybe I am smothering him, maybe I am jealous.... I asked him one night, but not much ever came out of the conversation. I am afraid to bring it up, because I don't want him to get the wrong idea and drift off. I love him, but I am unhappy to point where I get to wanting to leave or angry. I know that is not healthy not only for our relationship, but for me.

Link to comment

I totally can relate to that, only I was feeling lonely and alone much less into the marriage...more like 2 to 3 years. We just drifted apart, and he began to totally turn me off with the things he would do, his lack of self esteem, how he reacted to situations and just his overall being would leave me wandering,..how in the heck did we ever hook up...

 

I found out that we were not compatable in marriage, because when I had visions and dreams of a bright beautiful future, he had no clue what he wanted to do for the evening...my marriage was so depressing, i found myself not wanting to come home from work, and oftentimes regretted that i was alive...

 

It was not a healthy situation for me, and now that I am not with him, i feel alive, and see beauty in everything around me...

 

Im not sure what ur stiuation is, but i wish u the best and wanted u to know that ur definitely not alone...

 

cookies

Link to comment

Hi Di,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your questions. I am sorry to hear that you're feeling alone in your marriage. I understand that you trying to make things go and your husband not being very involved doesn't help you in your happiness.

 

I live by a rule in life that says: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOu cannot make someone else happy." That has some implications for you.

 

Do I suggest to get a divorce? Not really, but if you have tried everything, including communicating your concerns towards him, what other options do you have? I see little to none. The truth is that you cannot stay this unhappy forever. You deserve more out of life!

 

I hope that this answered some of your questions and helped you along your way. I wish you strength the coming period and hope that you'll be able to make the right decisions for you

 

~ SwingFox ~

Link to comment

It is hard to keep the intensity in any long term relationship, it is necessary to talk to him until he is ready to listen. Just like teenagers who pretend not to listen when their parents are talking, men are the same way, sorry not you swingfox, but others, let me explain:

 

Men don't like to be told what to do. they are independent thinkers, that is why they so often get themselves into trouble.

 

Women are normally more intouch with their relationship, and that is normally a big area of focus for women; for men (just in general) their area of focus is the income. If a man becomes unemployed it normally affects the relationship more than if the woman does because lets face it, men make more than women, in almost every line of work.

 

Women being more emotional have trouble talking to their husbands about values, because the man doesn't want to hear a lecture from his "parent," he just wants to have fun, like a little boy.

 

The need of the woman in this case is to become more assertive and independent at the same time. Get yourself ready to leave! That will make him nervous for sure, or if it doesn't you'll at least be ready when the time comes. Don't be left helpless, get some support. It helps to have others to talk to on this. Get couples therapy if he won't go, go alone!

Link to comment
  • 7 years later...

I feel the exact same way as you cookies .. I have been married for 3 years coming up and we do not see eye to eye on anything, I am to the point that I just want to walk away. My biggest thing is financially I am not in a position to do anything but just suck it up right now. I am just so tired of feeling the way that I feel and him only hearing what he wants !!

Link to comment

Hi,

 

Being a married man myself who struggles with bouts of depression, i know it annoys my wife and i'm sure at times she has felt the same way. I think for me, even though at the time i didn't think so, her confronting me and often causing arguments made the situation better. It made things come to a head and i needed that. I knew then where i was and what my wifes needs were. People get stuck in tremendous ruts sometimes and the worse thing you can do is do nothing.

 

By talking to your husband, and letting out all the frustration, it will cause him to be defensive. You have to keep going until you get a reaction in my opinion. Thats what my wife did and although it didn't come out like an ultimatum thats what it was.

 

I still struggle now but i know what my wife's boundaries are and i know she won't live a life of my depression so it made me get help. If he reacts negatively and goes back to normal then i suggest the relationship is not ever going to make you content.

Link to comment

I think that we all feel alone in marriage (and Life) sometimes and talking about it with our significant other can be trying to say the least. There are many times that when we finally see what's going on we feel the need to make corrections any way possible. You mentioned not having anything in common with your husband, how have you tried to correct that? Often times women bond by talking and finding common interests while men tend to bond by doing things together. Perhaps by trying to do things like play golf or fish or walk together would help to reignite a few common interests. Who knows he MIGHT even find some of your activities interesting. just a thought

Link to comment

I'm glad this thread is still going as i feel i have no one to talk to. I have been in a marriage for 3 years, have a beautiful daughter and another one on the way and unfortunately most nights i am sitting in the lounge room on my own while DH is either playing games on his computer or playing with his phone. I have tried so many times to talk to him about it but he gets very defensive and just keeps saying that he's not even on it much and because i'm nagging him to spend time with me it makes him not want to? I'm honestly not over dramatising this seriously, i'm more than happy for him to play his games and do whatever he needs to on his phone but every night?? On weekends we dont even go to bed together, he stays up till early hours playing games. Its driving me mad and making me feel like he honestly doesnt want to be with me. You know what thats fine, but he needs to tell me so i can find someone who will love me. I feel so sad, all i ever wanted was to be happy and it just doesnt seem to be happening. Any advice would be appreciated?

Link to comment

The age and time married tells me a bit, I can guess from that that the two of you had a fair amount of time to discover and develope your personal boundaries prior to marriage,yet are still wrestling over how those boundaries overlap. I can relate to both sides of this in that I have been on both sides of the issue. Chances are he doesn't realize the gravity of his actions and in your desparation over the matter comes off like nagging to him. The trick to this is going to be to knock him off balance. You might need to examine the way you talk about this to him and try a different wording or tone. My wife didnt nag me, she TOLD me what she was gonna do and if I want to come along then thats great and if not.....well. I in turn have (of late) found myself in her shoes and her tactic hasn't helped me to change her mind so in my own way, I let her know that I want to spend time with her and do things to/for/with her. One thing I don't do is let her attitude deter me from doing things or going places I want to or would otherwise. I have tried several ways of getting to her and finally laid all my cards on the table and had a nasty falling out with her over it before I got the answers I needed.

Mind you I'm offering you both sides of my story and highlighting my wifes tactics since they worked for her. mine are still in process.

Link to comment

I'm not married and I doubt I can offer advice that would help much, but from what I see if he thinks you're nagging him then no matter what you do or say he would interpret it as such.

 

Instead let him play his little games on his phone and computer, thats fine. Instead focus on yourself, go out and have fun, go do the activities you want to do with siblings, friends or other couples. Get reacquainted with your single friends that you've neglected during your honeymoon stage. Now is the perfect time to establish 'girls night out' away from the hubby. You have to disappear from his radar for a few days to /make/ him miss you.

 

Break your routine - if you cook dinner every night, tell him that you can't tomorrow and that he is on his own because you're having a night out in town; he is more than welcome to come if he wants but no big deal if he doesn't. Make him start missing you, have him start missing nights out in town and having fun again like how it used to be - but don't /make/ him to go with you, just tell him that you're going whether he wants to come or not.

 

The idea is to ease the pressure off him again, don't make him be your sole form of entertainment for the day - he needs time to withdraw into his shell, time away from the stresses of life, which is why he is focusing on phones/computer games. You asking him to give it up will just push him further in cause he is not ready to face social obligations yet. The games allow him to disconnect/have privacy while still being in a public space (you being there makes it public.) So give him his 'privacy' and go do your own * * * * until you tempt him enough to poke his head back out of his shell. If it doesn't work then your preemptive socializing would at least help you get over him if you decide to leave him.

Link to comment

I actually basically did do what ur wife did last night Jaywalk, I told him my feelings and said to make a decision as to what he wanted as I couldn't keep doing what we have been doing for the rest of my life. Of course I went to bed on my own crying because again somehow it's my fault we argue all the time. I always make an effort to speak to him in a neutral tone but because when we first started dating I never used to and now he can't get past it and still says that I talk to him in a bad way.... I know I dont as I am very careful. We'll see what happens, he still hasn't woken up yet this morning...

As far as going doing my own thing bluemilk, it is a little hard as I am expecting another baby in a few months and I also have a 2 year old at home that tends to cling to me alot.

Link to comment

I can understand how you must feel about it. Lately thats been me (without the crying mind you) I know I'm trying too hard but to do any less makes no sense to me. Worse, I tend to take two pages to tell a story when a paragraph will do, and I know the attention span gets short after a few minutes but again,trying too hard.

You arent the cause of your arguments...you just seem to be the only one that sees a problem that needs correcting.

To your husbands defense, we all need an escape now and then and to your defense, we all need to spend time with the ones we agreed to be with forever. I want to recommend 2 books to you that were written by pastors and marriage counselors. very insightful. One is called "Our Secret Paradise" By Jimmy Evans and the other is a two sided book written by both John and Diana Hagee called " What a Man Wants/ What a Woman Wants". great books by great authors.

Dont let the fact that the authors are religious leaders deter you. These people have decades of marriage counseling experience to back them.

Remember....you recognize a problem in your relationship and want to fix it, NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Dont go beating yourself up if you end up arguing. Just argue the point and dont use phrases like "you always" or "same old .....always....." they come off accusing and cause defenses to rise. You can DO this

Link to comment

faith...

 

''AL TURTLE'' -- website.

 

or...check out harville hendrix. al turtle seems to be more accessible though. communication breakdown explained!!

 

also...there's this concept floating around out there called ''imago''. it's a realtionship concept. jaywalk's on track with it already. the point is...end the cycle of attack and defend. learn to truly listen (as a couple i mean). learn to create safety in your relationship. if your significant other is that one person with whom you truly depend on in that sense...the external factors of your life will cease to have such huge importance. you'll always have that safety net to fall back on.

 

be courageous. i think so many of us wish for the opportunity to go back sometimes...to work with what we had...because so often we find that it really had nothing to do with the other person at all. we get into new relationships...and the same patterns crop up. happiness comes...and happiness goes. we make it all about us (talking more about the way we think)...and in that way...we're never open to experiencing the other person. imagine what it'd be like to renew the relationship with this man that you have already shared so much with. those who overcome the the most difficult struggles discover vintage love.

Link to comment
  • 4 months later...

Why is every forum i try to visit old threads. I can never find help it feels. I am shy or resistant to admit that i may need it. Wife and I sleep apart since 1st child, now 7 years old. Now have 2nd child in master bedroom, 4 years old. I feel lonely, though have house, wife, 2 kids. Sleep alone and look elsewhere for love. With my eyes only, so I am just feeling really down. Go through feelings that the family doesn't deserve me, though I am the provider, i feel so distant. I don't feel that counseling will help me for some reason. I am very resistant to it or I can see right throught it, and I feel that it is not magically helpful. I am not sure if anyone understands what I am writing, but I am teary eyed and despondent. I get heavy mood swings from happy to sad all the time. No meds, no doctors, again I don't know if that will help or hurt. Oh, well, there's my first post...

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

I understand I have been married for almost 10 years, time has passed but the relationship isnt going anywhere. I want action behind what he says. His words of empty promises don't work. I have learned that people let you know where you stand in there life and mind by their actions. I hope you do what's best for you. Some of the things you listed is where we are at.

Link to comment

Jtan, I feel your pain. Part of wh you keep running into these old threads is the same reason all of us did, because we were going through it and TA DAA!!!!sometimes it helps to know you are in a similar place as others. At least this way you know it isnt just you. I still struggle with my mess and I still get down some but things are trying to look up. I have found that stepping around the problem and letting a solution come from somewhere other than me helps because I didnt instigate it and the solution is discovered on their own. Mind you I have no qualms about confrontation , nor do I shy away from it. I have found,instead, that diverting from my nature and reverting to a simpler frame of mind from a simpler time in my marriage helps. I try not to show how much it bugs me the way things are and just try to be upbeat in front of the wife. For some reason I take the blame for the way things are and there are a number of people on this site that will tell me not to, but I have noticed that we as men tend to set the tone of the house hold. Theres a saying "if momma aint happy, aint nobody happy". Theres a lot of truth there but I have noticed that when we as men come home mad and nothing eases our mind, the whole familial attitude goes in the tank. Everyone is in a bad mood. After years of training in that way, its hard to come home and find people happy to see you. Sorry........ I'm rambling

I read a book recently that makes a lot of sense to me and he jist of it was that we as men have no real sense of a support system and that we arent allowed to be confused or scared or percieved as weak emotionally. I seriiously think it would be a good idea to get together with your male friends and play cards and talk. After a few nights of this, drop the bomb that gets people talking. Something like, " Am I the only guy here whose wife prefers to sleep separately?". At first they will likely be taken aback and not be ableto say much about it because they just have no flippin idea what just happened. Give it a shot.

putting my money where my mouth is........I took a guy i had known when I was younger aside one day and ask if we coul talk, I told him I have a thing about people watching and I noticed a few things about him that I identify with and would like to offer a friendly ear if he ever needs one. The look of shock and confusion was priceless but you know what, I hit the nail on the head and he even told me so. We talk more and know that what comes out is between us and no one else. Tried a similar tactic with 2 other guys I know and got similar responses. My friends that I got honest with were the biggest help to me. While I know that there are a number of people here with great encouragement and sincerity, helpful as they are, they are not the same as a fellow man who actually sees what I'm going through and can empathize.

Believe it or not, this has helped me in many ways with my marriage. I actually have a place I can take my crap to, air it out and if nothing else get an "I gotcha brother" from someone whohelps me get rid of it quick. I dont sit and stew in it and take it out on the family anymore. hope this helps you

 

Tarnished, I'm not sure the specifics on your situation but I will offer this. My wife would probably say the same things about me as you are about your husband. I would respectfully offer this in return if I heard her say that....I'm probably not performing up to par but I AM trying. As hard as it may be for you to do, it would help me alot if I got some kind of positive feedback from you. I admit I could do alot better and some things happen beyond our control but at this point all I can do is offer suggestions and ideas to make things better because what I've done so far hasnt worked out so well.

Now before you get offended know that I wasnt being critical of "you" so much as I was offering a view from the other side. Like I said, My wife could and probably would say similar things to or about me. What I will also say is that where you guys are at is pretty much where I am as well and it is no fun. Personally my heart breaks alittle more each time she opts for the guest room over our room or refers to it as "her room"

personally I hope either of you figures out the answer before I do because that just means you are out of it, which is where we all want to be.

 

Best wishes to the both of you

Link to comment
  • 4 months later...

Hi Faith,

I know your post is from last year, but I read it and I felt concern for you and wanted to reply. If you feel guilty often in the relationship, doubt yourself and he makes you feel that it is your fault if you have an argument, it is very possible that he is emotionally manipulating you. I experienced this in a relationship in the past and I got out...it can make you very depressed being in a relationship like that. Now I am happily married. What really helped me was learning about emotional abuse, so that I started to recognize when it was happening to me. If your husband is manipulating you by being emotionally abusive, this doesn't meant that you have to leave him, but you can learn about it so that you can stop it from happening. If it doesn't work, you can't stop it, if he is not willing to change, you will know that you need to leave. Just google emotional abuse, there is a lot of information on the internet, there are also some great books on this subject, one of them is called "Emotional Abuse" by Marti-Tamm-Loring.

It is very empowering to learn about this, because then you can stop it from happening to you!

I wish you all the best and all the happiness and love you deserve!

Link to comment
  • 8 months later...

My condition is very much similar to urs. I have been in a marriage for 3 yrs. And Now I feel like my husband is no more interested in me, doesn't care for me, don't want to be with me. We hardly share any conversation with each other. And its not like i have made a perception.

1)Both of us are working ppl. Even i have lot of work pressure at work but I have always made a margin that i have to be back home by 9 pm at any cost, so that I do not spoil my personal life for the sake of professional life. I try hard to maintain balance in my personal n professional life. But my husband has made it like a routine that he wud come to home by 1 pm midnite. Initially, i took it lightly, that .its ok he has lot of work, like sometimes even I have. But now i have realised it has become his daily habbit to reach home midnite.work load can increase for a certain period , it cannot be there forever.And even if he is coming late, he wud never call & inform me that he wud be late today. It always me who call n confirm what time he is returning back, daily i wud wait for him to have dinner together. bUt he wud never realise all this. it hurts me badly.

2.Even If i forget 1st point, then also he doesn't give me time on weekends.Every Saturday he wud call his 2 frnds and play computer games, gossip entire night. I wud be sitting all alone in my bedroom, waiting for him to come. But he doesn't even think of me. He doesn't even realise that he shouldnot call his frnds every n i say every weeknd!!! Every weekend its my job to prepare food fr his frnds. Im 8 mnths pregnant and its my first. I go to office n work hard daily, manage all my house hold things from cooking to cleaning to washing clothes to buying grocerries, everything i take care of.

I hv read/ heard in many blogs that men pamper their wives like anything during pregnancy. All this makes me feel like crying my heart out. i dnt get even get half of my share/wat i desrve.

3. When he is not with his frnds (which rarely happens), he wud either sleep entire day or play computer games alone , in a separate room.

 

It disturbs me soo much, i keep silent and cry in bathroom or in my bedrom wen alone.

The only relation we share is ..of having sexual relation, with no feelings, no emotions. There is No one I can share my problem with. this lonliness is killing me inside.i feel like giving up my life!

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...