just something to keep him busy ...

kitkat21 · 05-03-2003, 02:48 PM

where do begin. my boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago. since then, we eventually started hanging out again, spending time together, talking on the phone, and sleeping together. Yet-he didn't want to go out with me because he was a " bad boyfirend". In one way, this is true. We've been on and off for about 5 years now. Yet, I also see it as a cop-out, that he can do whatever he wants. Yesterday, he went to go visit his old college, where he has many friends. One of them is a girl whom he's made out with at least twice, one time being since we broke up. I asked him last night to "try n not make out with anyone" he said he'd try. This went on until I was quite upset. He told me he loved me, and cared about me, but if i were to makeout with someoen else, that he'd be ok with it. His opinion is that I'm bound to find someone else, and then forget about him. I asked if he felt the same towards me, and he replied yes. He went on to say that he didn't want to go back out with me because he'd have severe feeling of hate towards me. This astounded me, I'd felt hate for him before to, but it was due to his actions towards me. I said i didn't want to be a "f*ck buddy" anymore(if thats what I was ) and he reliped, "well we won't f*ck anymore". He said I'd obviously become attached, emotional, and confused, and that I wouldnt want to have sex with him anymore since I know he doesn't ever want to date me again, so it'd be like "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" . I felt like I was going to implode. I said I hoped he had a good trip, and he said "i love you" and that he'd come over tonight after he came back from the college, and sleep over. The issue if we are to sleep together anymore was left until today, he wouldn';t say yes or no. We kissed, and he left. I called his house today, and his mother said he'd left at 7am, and that he'd be back at 11, I mentioned that he said he was possibly staying over at my house, and she said he hadn't mentioned it to her. I beleive that he will either not come home tonight, call me and tell me he slept with the girl, or he'll go home, and possibly not call me, or call me and tell me he's through with me. I'm sorry this is so long, I haven't had anyone to talk to about this, and I feel worse that depressed, I feel empty and alone, helpless and sick to my stomache. I know I have a problem, I read the love addiction artclies, but I don't know what to do right now-I love him so much, and to think of him not in my life seems impossible. I'd hoped that he'd eventually want to go back out with me, but now I see I'm just something to keep him busy . Why does he say he loves me?? Please, any feedback would be more than appreciated.

Ashland71 · 05-03-2003, 04:49 PM

To me your whole posting says one thing: No self-esteem! He can only treat you like this if you let him. There is no good reason he wouldn't want to keep you as a fall back position. Most people would love to have someone that they can hop into bed with if they feel lonely. Don't take this wrong though I have been that person myself. I mean the one sitting at home waiting wondering why he tells me he loves me and then does god knows what with I had no idea who. For a long time I lost myself in wishing he meant what he kept saying. Then I realized I had to quit. I was becoming a person he didn't want to be with. All my self confidence was gone and I couldn't even see the person I was when we first met and fell in love. I am wondering if your situation is the same? If someone had told you that you would be feeling this way and doind the things you have before you met him would you have said "no way"? Sorry I got way carried away on this. Here is my point: don't let him treat you like crap you are a good person and plenty of other guys would be lucky to get you! There I wish you the best of luck and tons of happiness!

SwingFox · 05-03-2003, 07:18 PM

Hi kitkat21,

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your question. I am sorry to hear that things don't go the way you had them planned. I understand that you are feeling profoundly sad right now.

I am very much with Ashland here. She said the exact right word. I live by the rule: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy." I am sorry to say that after reading your posts, I can't help but thinking that this young man is using you. My suggestion is therefore that it might be better for you to let this guy go. On the short term you might feel very hurt, but on the long term, you might end up with someone wonderful, who respects you for who YOU are and who will make you very happy in the end.

I wish you strength and a better future some time soon. Your life is about YOU. Make it happen, girl and enjoy it to the max.

~ SwingFox ~

05-03-2003, 02:48 PM	#1
kitkat21 Offline Member Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 5	just something to keep him busy ... where do begin. my boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago. since then, we eventually started hanging out again, spending time together, talking on the phone, and sleeping together. Yet-he didn't want to go out with me because he was a " bad boyfirend". In one way, this is true. We've been on and off for about 5 years now. Yet, I also see it as a cop-out, that he can do whatever he wants. Yesterday, he went to go visit his old college, where he has many friends. One of them is a girl whom he's made out with at least twice, one time being since we broke up. I asked him last night to "try n not make out with anyone" he said he'd try. This went on until I was quite upset. He told me he loved me, and cared about me, but if i were to makeout with someoen else, that he'd be ok with it. His opinion is that I'm bound to find someone else, and then forget about him. I asked if he felt the same towards me, and he replied yes. He went on to say that he didn't want to go back out with me because he'd have severe feeling of hate towards me. This astounded me, I'd felt hate for him before to, but it was due to his actions towards me. I said i didn't want to be a "fck buddy" anymore(if thats what I was ) and he reliped, "well we won't fck anymore". He said I'd obviously become attached, emotional, and confused, and that I wouldnt want to have sex with him anymore since I know he doesn't ever want to date me again, so it'd be like "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" . I felt like I was going to implode. I said I hoped he had a good trip, and he said "i love you" and that he'd come over tonight after he came back from the college, and sleep over. The issue if we are to sleep together anymore was left until today, he wouldn';t say yes or no. We kissed, and he left. I called his house today, and his mother said he'd left at 7am, and that he'd be back at 11, I mentioned that he said he was possibly staying over at my house, and she said he hadn't mentioned it to her. I beleive that he will either not come home tonight, call me and tell me he slept with the girl, or he'll go home, and possibly not call me, or call me and tell me he's through with me. I'm sorry this is so long, I haven't had anyone to talk to about this, and I feel worse that depressed, I feel empty and alone, helpless and sick to my stomache. I know I have a problem, I read the love addiction artclies, but I don't know what to do right now-I love him so much, and to think of him not in my life seems impossible. I'd hoped that he'd eventually want to go back out with me, but now I see I'm just something to keep him busy . Why does he say he loves me?? Please, any feedback would be more than appreciated.

05-03-2003, 04:49 PM	#2
Ashland71 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: North Carolina Posts: 39	Re: Just something to keep him busy? To me your whole posting says one thing: No self-esteem! He can only treat you like this if you let him. There is no good reason he wouldn't want to keep you as a fall back position. Most people would love to have someone that they can hop into bed with if they feel lonely. Don't take this wrong though I have been that person myself. I mean the one sitting at home waiting wondering why he tells me he loves me and then does god knows what with I had no idea who. For a long time I lost myself in wishing he meant what he kept saying. Then I realized I had to quit. I was becoming a person he didn't want to be with. All my self confidence was gone and I couldn't even see the person I was when we first met and fell in love. I am wondering if your situation is the same? If someone had told you that you would be feeling this way and doind the things you have before you met him would you have said "no way"? Sorry I got way carried away on this. Here is my point: don't let him treat you like crap you are a good person and plenty of other guys would be lucky to get you! There I wish you the best of luck and tons of happiness! __________________ I am a 34 yr old divorced mother of two. I have recently found that I really like being this age. I am old enough to take care of myself and my children. I like people. I will chat with almost anyone as long as they are nice. I am interested in most every thing. :)

05-03-2003, 07:18 PM	#3
SwingFox Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 2,236	Hi kitkat21, First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your question. I am sorry to hear that things don't go the way you had them planned. I understand that you are feeling profoundly sad right now. I am very much with Ashland here. She said the exact right word. I live by the rule: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy." I am sorry to say that after reading your posts, I can't help but thinking that this young man is using you. My suggestion is therefore that it might be better for you to let this guy go. On the short term you might feel very hurt, but on the long term, you might end up with someone wonderful, who respects you for who YOU are and who will make you very happy in the end. I wish you strength and a better future some time soon. Your life is about YOU. Make it happen, girl and enjoy it to the max. ~ SwingFox ~