Painful intimacy

upstatemedic · 04-10-2003, 07:34 PM

I'm officially a newbie here in this forum, so forgive me if I'm posting this in the wrong place...but I'm fairly shaken up about this. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years, and we've always been very compatible physically....but we've never actually had intercourse. We usually just rub up against each other for stimulation, because neither of us has felt ready for "all the way" yet.

But a month or so ago we decided we want to go ahead and go for it. She's a virgin, and though I'm not, my limited experience has only been with those more experienced than myself.

I'm concerned, though because it is really painful for her. We can't even get things "all the way in" because she says it feels too much like it's pinching. We use plenty of KY, and she even tried having a glass or wine or two beforehand! To the best of my knowledge, her hymen has already been broken by her gynocologist. So why is it so painful - every time - that we have to stop? It makes things really uncomfortable afterwards, and I always feel bad because the last thing I want to do is hurt her!

So I'm left feeling clumsy and untalented, and she's left sore for days afterwards. We try again a week later with the same result, over and over. Can anybody give me any suggestions???

Thanks so much...

sisterlynch · 04-10-2003, 07:48 PM

Yeah! I remember going through some of that same stuff! She needs to be good and ready for this -- dont hurry her.

She is getting tight because she is nervous about being caught or a pregnancy probably.

Just take it easy for a while, give her plenty of preparation (stimulation), let her tell you what to do, when to go forward, if she feels in control, she will be more comfortable with it.

Let her get on top sometimes too, that is more comfortable for most girls.

Ky is ok, we use Wet which I ordered on line, it comes in flavors!

The one I like is watermelon.

The fear that she has will go away eventaully, just be really kind and gentle and reasure her every chance that you can -- tell her that you love her. Not that that makes it ok, but it helps!

upstatemedic · 04-10-2003, 09:34 PM

Thanks for the advice - nothing I do seems to calm her down. I guess I'm just worried that something is wrong and she's experiencing more pain than most people do. I'm worried it might take a long time for it to subside, as well...

How long does it usually take for things to normalize out and no longer be painful? Also, would the fact that she has a one-sided ovarian cyst have anything to do with it?

Thanks again...

Suzanne1281 · 04-10-2003, 11:39 PM

Hello! I can't help you about the ovarian cyst. She should definitely ask her gynecologist about that. But I went through the same thing with my boyfriend. No matter what we tried it just did not work. Don't worry, sweetie, it will happen when she is ready. She's just nervous and probably wants the best for you. I can't stress enough, IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN SHE IS READY.
I know I felt so bad every time my ex and I tried to have sex. It just didn't work because I knew I wasn't ready and didn't trust him enough yet (though I"m sure your girl trusts you). You are a great boyfriend to care so much about not hurting her and supporting her through it. I know I wasn't so lucky!
But for me, it happened when I knew I was ready and I don't regret it for a moment.
Just relax. Don't TRY! I remember for me it started to seem like a chore to lose my virginity and that isn't the right way. Just keep having fun and learning things about each other physically. It happens when the time is right.

Gilgamesh · 04-11-2003, 12:24 AM

If the gyno tell her there is no problem, her are a couple of tips that might help, i have had experience with virgins.

First its very very important that she is relaxed, and turned on, get her very stimulated orally, use your fingers to penetrate her first one then two, make sure they are well lubricated, when she is relaxed tou will be able to tell, as those muscles down there losen up.

now because she has already been through a bad start, she is already afraid more than usual but once you have her comfortable with two fingers, get into position.

have her lay on her back, knees bent and legs spread, position your self on your side perpendicular to her, your almost forming a "T" this way you will not get tired, and youll be able to take your time and control the thrust better, also, both your hands are free, this will help be spreading her labia and you guiding yourself, you must be very very patient, just go in little by little, get it in just a bit, and move in and out at that depth for awhile, then move in just a notch more. it will hurt her every time you advance , but dont withdraw, stay at that position until it doesnt hrt her no more.

If your shaft is anything like mine, its probably wider to the sides. by being on your side, there is less pressure on the sides of her vaginal walls making it a little bit easier for her.

If this doesnt work, you could get her some dildos, they come in all sizes, she can practice at home, and become accustomed to having something in there, once shes over the fear, it will then be that much easier.

pimpcess · 06-21-2003, 06:28 AM

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of FOREPLAY! Foreplay rules!

sisterlynch · 06-21-2003, 01:40 PM

If you continue to try new ways of increasing your pleasure through creativity, you wont get bored and tired of the same old things. Allow yourself the opportunity to experiment with new ways of doing things.

04-10-2003, 07:34 PM	#1
upstatemedic Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Upstate NY Posts: 45	Painful intimacy I'm officially a newbie here in this forum, so forgive me if I'm posting this in the wrong place...but I'm fairly shaken up about this. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years, and we've always been very compatible physically....but we've never actually had intercourse. We usually just rub up against each other for stimulation, because neither of us has felt ready for "all the way" yet. But a month or so ago we decided we want to go ahead and go for it. She's a virgin, and though I'm not, my limited experience has only been with those more experienced than myself. I'm concerned, though because it is really painful for her. We can't even get things "all the way in" because she says it feels too much like it's pinching. We use plenty of KY, and she even tried having a glass or wine or two beforehand! To the best of my knowledge, her hymen has already been broken by her gynocologist. So why is it so painful - every time - that we have to stop? It makes things really uncomfortable afterwards, and I always feel bad because the last thing I want to do is hurt her! So I'm left feeling clumsy and untalented, and she's left sore for days afterwards. We try again a week later with the same result, over and over. Can anybody give me any suggestions??? Thanks so much...

04-10-2003, 07:48 PM	#2
sisterlynch Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: NorCal Posts: 2,187	Painful memories! Yeah! I remember going through some of that same stuff! She needs to be good and ready for this -- dont hurry her. She is getting tight because she is nervous about being caught or a pregnancy probably. Just take it easy for a while, give her plenty of preparation (stimulation), let her tell you what to do, when to go forward, if she feels in control, she will be more comfortable with it. Let her get on top sometimes too, that is more comfortable for most girls. Ky is ok, we use Wet which I ordered on line, it comes in flavors! The one I like is watermelon. The fear that she has will go away eventaully, just be really kind and gentle and reasure her every chance that you can -- tell her that you love her. Not that that makes it ok, but it helps! __________________ Prepare for tomorrow, not tomorrow, but today.

04-11-2003, 12:24 AM	#5
Gilgamesh Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Caribbean Gender: Male Age: 47 Posts: 1,647	If the gyno tell her there is no problem, her are a couple of tips that might help, i have had experience with virgins. First its very very important that she is relaxed, and turned on, get her very stimulated orally, use your fingers to penetrate her first one then two, make sure they are well lubricated, when she is relaxed tou will be able to tell, as those muscles down there losen up. now because she has already been through a bad start, she is already afraid more than usual but once you have her comfortable with two fingers, get into position. have her lay on her back, knees bent and legs spread, position your self on your side perpendicular to her, your almost forming a "T" this way you will not get tired, and youll be able to take your time and control the thrust better, also, both your hands are free, this will help be spreading her labia and you guiding yourself, you must be very very patient, just go in little by little, get it in just a bit, and move in and out at that depth for awhile, then move in just a notch more. it will hurt her every time you advance , but dont withdraw, stay at that position until it doesnt hrt her no more. If your shaft is anything like mine, its probably wider to the sides. by being on your side, there is less pressure on the sides of her vaginal walls making it a little bit easier for her. If this doesnt work, you could get her some dildos, they come in all sizes, she can practice at home, and become accustomed to having something in there, once shes over the fear, it will then be that much easier. __________________ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

06-21-2003, 06:28 AM	#6
pimpcess Offline Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: U.k! Reppin Bristol 2 the fullest! Posts: 306	be ba be ba be ba be Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of FOREPLAY! Foreplay rules!

06-21-2003, 01:40 PM	#7
sisterlynch Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: NorCal Posts: 2,187	try new activities!! If you continue to try new ways of increasing your pleasure through creativity, you wont get bored and tired of the same old things. Allow yourself the opportunity to experiment with new ways of doing things. __________________ Prepare for tomorrow, not tomorrow, but today.

04-10-2003, 09:34 PM	#3
upstatemedic Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Upstate NY Posts: 45	Thanks for the advice - nothing I do seems to calm her down. I guess I'm just worried that something is wrong and she's experiencing more pain than most people do. I'm worried it might take a long time for it to subside, as well... How long does it usually take for things to normalize out and no longer be painful? Also, would the fact that she has a one-sided ovarian cyst have anything to do with it? Thanks again...

04-10-2003, 11:39 PM	#4
Suzanne1281 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: buffalo Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 281	Hello! I can't help you about the ovarian cyst. She should definitely ask her gynecologist about that. But I went through the same thing with my boyfriend. No matter what we tried it just did not work. Don't worry, sweetie, it will happen when she is ready. She's just nervous and probably wants the best for you. I can't stress enough, IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN SHE IS READY. I know I felt so bad every time my ex and I tried to have sex. It just didn't work because I knew I wasn't ready and didn't trust him enough yet (though I"m sure your girl trusts you). You are a great boyfriend to care so much about not hurting her and supporting her through it. I know I wasn't so lucky! But for me, it happened when I knew I was ready and I don't regret it for a moment. Just relax. Don't TRY! I remember for me it started to seem like a chore to lose my virginity and that isn't the right way. Just keep having fun and learning things about each other physically. It happens when the time is right.