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Need advice for a very unique and sad story


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I could really use some advice here. I must warn you though, this one is pretty sad.

 

My girlfriend and are madly in love and are in involved in a relationship that has been as close to perfect on all accounts. We hit it off immediately, and have not only become great lovers but great friends. I tell you it was like something out of a movie it was so good.

 

We broke up a less than a week ago, primarily due to circumstances out of our control and are both devastated and heartbroken. Why did you breakup you ask?

 

My girlfriend or exgirlfriend (25 years old) has been subjected to some horrific trajedies in her life. Growing up with only her immediate family, father , mother and older brother, she has no living relatives on the east coast and her grandparents when she was and infant and has no memory of them. When she was 10 years old her father died of a heart attack. her older brother then became her only father figure in her life. On Sept. 11 01 she lost two of her best friends at the WTC terrorist attacks. Two months later her brother was trajically killed in a motorcycle accident.

 

She is left only now with her mom who is a widow and hast just lost her only son. My girl has lost her father, her two best friends and her older brother. You can only imagine what this girl has gone through. It is one of the most trajic stories that I have ever heard. As expected, she is still grieving for her losses. She primarily grieves on her own, never letting it affect her work or her relationship with me. She truly is one of the strongest people I know. I have so much admiration and love for her.

 

We both fell hard for eachother and the relationship progressed rather quickly. We were so happy together. After around 5 months, out of nowhere she informed me of her concerns that she was unsure if she was ready or capable of continuing a relationship of this magnitude. Her grieving consumes her and she feels like she no longer has was it takes from an emotional standpoint to continue with a relationship that will only require more and more emotions. She thought she was ready for a relationship (with respect to the grieving) but unfortunately for the both of us she was mistaken. We tried seing less of each other and that did not work. It was all or nothing for both of us and she could not do all.

 

We have broken up. She does not know how long it will take for her to get through this grieving process. Becasue she cares for me so much, she will not allow me to wait for her because her future (as far as being ready) is so unknown. It may take years for her to get over these trajedies. Lord knows it would take me years.

 

The reltionship has ended on the best of terms. The relationship itself could not have been better for either of us. We both walk away with broken hearts and wanting nothing more than to be together. It is the worst situation I could ever imagine. I took it so heard that she had to give me advice on how to grieve and get over her and grieving is the precise thing that has split us apart.

 

We have talked at length. There are few in the world that could even fathom what she is and has going through. No she grieves for my loss as well. I suggested therapy, even to go with her but she put up a brick wall. She andher mother had gone at some point and had a terrible experinece and will never go back. Her best friend is her deceased brothers girlfriend. Recently, her coworkers father died and she had to go the wake and funeral to support her friend. The poor girl has been surrounded by so much death at so young an age.

 

Seeeing eachother as friends and not lovers is more than we can bare. We have come to the ever so painful conclusion to cut all ties. Two people that love eachother, involved in the best relationship of our lives, and we have walked away. She is the only woman that I have loved.

 

I feel as though it will take an eternity to let her go and get over her. I have hope that maybe in the future she will call on me when she feels like she is ready. I hope that in time, at the very least, we can become friends but also know how hard that will be. I care so much for her that I feel that I must make that work.

 

To summarize, this is not an issue of want for her. She wants to be with me. She is just not ready. Just like I am not ready for a relationship while I grieve for her now. She has suffered so much more loss than me.

 

i obviously want nothing more than to be with her. I am unsure as to how I should handle the situation from here. I am sure it will be months from now before i will feel ready to initate contact and begin our new relationship as friends. Do you think that being her friend will increase or decrease the liklihood of getting back with her. Like I said, this is not one of those situations where you give them space and then they come running back. She recognizes more than anyone what she has lost in me. Or should I try to move on with my life, with the thought that maybe one day she will call when she is ready. Who knows where I will be at that point as far as relationships go.

 

I am so confused and heartbroken. Any advice would help.

 

Thanks

 

Should I call on her when I feel like I will be able to possible be her friend whenever that may be. O

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ok, here goes... I was never very good at giving advice; in fact I try to avoid it whenever possible. But when I read your post, something inside me stirred in that oh-so-familiar way and now I feel compelled to try and help.

 

So here's what I have to say: Be there for her. As a friend, a lover, a delivery boy, whatever she lets you in as. I'm sure it won't be easy for you, for either of you, but in time, when she feels she can really open up to you, when she realizes you will never leave her, that you feel her pain as well as your own, that's when she'll realize how lucky she is to have someone's arms in which she can be held when she feels her own strength dwindling.

 

Before you choose to do anything, be advised that these next months will definitely not be easy, and that the hurting you feel everynight before going to sleep will only grow with each passing day. But tell yourself that whatever additional pain you feel building up inside you will result in hers getting slightly better. Judging by the way you spoke of your love, I think it's worth it.

 

I wish you both the best

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Because she has lost her father, her brother, and her friends, she has to lose you to?

 

You are very strong and compassionate, and I dont think I could give you any advice you dont already know. But if I were to give advice to her, I would say that instead of running from him, you should run to him because if you dont, thats just another loss your going to grieve for and one less (amazing)person for you to turn to for comfort.

 

thats just my opinion though...

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Thanks for the advice guys. This situations continues to destroy me. I now find myself overanalyzing everything and doubting whether I did or said the right things. I know that I did everything I could to be supportive and make this work, and she reinforced that, but my mind continues to play games with me. My heart and my brain continue to battle one another. My brain tells me to accept the breakup, begin the healing process and try to move on, but my heart still says fight, fight fight.

 

I still find myself every morning at work starting up my computer and hoping I will have an email awaiting me like I always did, even though we had agreed to cut all ties. Everytime my phone rings, I think for a second that it could be her. But it never is.

 

I miss her so much and wonder how she is doing. But I can not call or email her, as I know it will makes things harder. Although I can not imagine it being much worse than it is now.

 

I hope for her sake she is handling this better than I am. She deserves to be happy.

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As everyone seems to agree, you should not allow her to lose you for whatever reason. Unless there isn't something else we don't know. If she has lost everybody else, she does not deserve to lose you. I don't know if we're getting through. The guys before me have said everything. You have to be there for her. Q E D. Be there as whatever you are permitted to be no matter how hard (friend, counselor, whatever). She doesn't want to spend the rest of her life alone because of these losses, does she? If your brain's telling you to leave its because of something we don't yet know. Tell us!

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I guess my brain is taking a more realistic point of view on the subject than my heart. She has had several weeks to think about her decision. She really believes in her heart that she is not close to being ready and further has no idea as to when she will be ready.

 

She as well as many friends say that based on this, that waiting for her would not be fair to myself and that I must move on with my life. And when she is ready, she may come back to me but until then I can not just hang around in this stupor that I find myself in at this hour. Nobody wants her back more than me and I recognize that she is the only person on earth that could instantly pull me out of this stupor.

 

I have reinforced to her that she should not walk away feeling guilty for what she is putting me/us through. On the contrary, I have told her that she walk away feeling pretty good about herself as she is the only woman who has brought out these types of feelings and emotions. I thanked her for making realizee that I was capable of these emotions and capabale of loving. I feel incredibly fortunate that I was able to spend the time together that we did. I have no regrets, resentment or ill feelings towards her. I felt like it was very important tyhat she knmow that.

 

I have made it very clear to her that she should never feel like I am unapproachable on account of what has happened. And that I hope that I will be the first to know when she has decided that she is ready for a seruious relationship.

 

It the very least, though I want her in my life as a friend. I care for her too much to walk out of her life for good. But I also recognize that if I try to go from being her lover and companion to her friend without time away then I will never be able to make that transition without being hoplessly depressed every time I see her or talk or get an email from her. I will ba waiting around by the seat of my pants to hear those words fro her that she is ready.

 

My thoughts are, as painfull as it is, cut off all ties from her for a while. No contact whatsoever. To let go and begin to heal. I hope that in time maybe 1 or 2 months that I will feel strong enough to call her as a friend and begin a new relationship with her as a friend. I never will forget her nor do I want to or her to forget me. Maybe by me supporting her and being there for her as a friend after so much pain, will increase our chances of getting back together.

 

However, other people have said that I once I become her friend that it will greatly diminsh our chances of getting back together. That I would be better off maybe contacting her after a month or 2 and just touching base with her from time to time to remind her that I am still in her life.

 

One thing that I do know and believe that she wouod agree is that we both need some time apart to allow for these feelings and emotions and pain to diminsih before we try to become friends. It would just be too painful otherwise.

 

I have not seen her or spoke to her in a week and it is killing me. I want nothing more than a phone call from her saying that she wants to get back with me. But I must force myself to remember that this is not an issue of want for her and never has been. She needs to be ready and get through this grieving period. On acount of what she has been through and what she has walked away from I realize that it will probably not be for quite some time.

 

There is a chance that she gets through this and is ready before I have been able to let go and begin to look for other relationships. I also realize that she may soemday call on me and that I will have begun another relationship.

 

This situation is terribly complicated. Any more thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

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hi there wise1 thank you for the private message, somehow I must have overlooked this message,...and i apologize. Wow...you do have a situation at hand that can twist anyone´s mind and turn the best of worlds upside down...hum...where do i begin...

 

The losses that your girlfriend have encountered, so suddenly ...have impacted on her life in such a way, that she probably feels loss of hope because of losing the ones dearest to her heart, and this pattern of losses has her feeling as if at some point she will experience yet ANOTHER loss...and is trying to avoid "losing" you to death, by breaking off...its easier to feel she lost you, this way versus thru death... which will only add to her divistation. So this is what we must focus on, because she clearly loves you...

 

We all must die and move on spiritually, after our time is up in this world...however...this is no reason 4 her to give up completely on a happy and long lived life with other loved ones. And you, seem to be her knight in shining armour, that she just cant see at the moment. She really needs you sweetheart ,...she really does.

 

Yes, it maybe a good idea for you to move on...if thats your sincere wish, but right now...i personally think that she´s reacting out of irrationality and just cant decipher whats in her best interest or not. She feels a sense of abandonment from these ppl that she loved most, as if they left her behind and possibly to struggle in this evil world alone...and find it most difficult to handle asides shutting you out and the love you have to offer...but while in fact, you can be her shoulder,...and back her with the support or ur entire being...spiritually, emotionally and physically comforting...

 

You should remain in contact with her. We always sometimes think its best to go against what our hearts feels and long for (in our actions) and sometimes it is best to go against our hearts when the situation clearly warrants such..however in ur case...this is not warranted. This is the beauty of love...REAL love. This is a crossroad requiring some understanding of the natural elements of life on her behalf,...requiring her to gain more acknowledgement and understanding of the process of life and death,...versus allowing this to become improperly crossed up with her love 4 u. She simply just dont understand...

 

Its not good to put our lives on hold for long periods of time for someone to decide weather or not they love us. BUT,...i do believe that "sometimes", ..good things are definitely worth the wait. I am not sure how long it will take her to grieve the loss of her loved ones...but, its a matter of how long you ar willing to wait. I think one year is a good time 4 u to condition ur mind to be ready to move forward with or without her. Regardless, you will ultimately gain a better understanding of our (females) sensitivity to death and life situations in general,...and it will always be a tool in your pesonal life as well, use to help others...so dont think that you will lose anything by waiting, as I find your spirit to be very gentle, quite naturally. You dont have to wait and just "be there" or just be "inactive" with displaying ur love towards her,...you can use this time to show her just how much u DO love her and want to see her through this...even if it results in just friendship in the long run... Im a believer in not giving up so easily in something we have a strong feeling about, or desire 4. Its a difference if we look more closely at a situation and can clearly see no future growth...versus that little ounce of hope...

 

You are the type of friend that many ppl long 4 in their lives...to care enough to overlook the mishaps, but want to tend to their pain. You will truly be blessed in the long run, as God honors good hearted and caring ppl as urself. I dont know what her level of beliefs in God is, ..but everything happens 4 a reason. As u know, we all must die, and her strength from all of this is going to be the foundation for reaching out to others as God may be preparng to use her to somehow comfort others that may encounter similar or much worse situations...

 

I grew up without a father...lost my mother, aunt, and grandfather...all within a years time. Then lost my grandmother as i was expecing my first child after miscarrying twice b4, who raised me. I flew from Europe to the United States and told my (then) spouse that if i lost him, my world would fall apart, because i didnt have anybody close to me, as all i wanted was my own family and experience what it will be like to see a relationship between a mother, father and child. The same day, i found out that he was cheating on me (again)...it was devistating...all of these losses...but im still hanging strong...AND a divorced, mother...

 

Her situation is a little complicated, but not as complicated as you may think. Give her a little time, and in the mean time, work on ur spiritual growth. Ask God to life her up, and heal her pain, and help her to see that she will over come this, as we all have losses, and gain a better understanding of how she can use this mishap to reach out to others in such devistation. You must help her be strong, and she must know that the death of our loves ones doesnt mean its the end of the world. We all must die. Yes...life seems unfair at times, (i have that complaint everyday with finances haha) but we can not allow these sort of mishaps or our shortcomings in life to weaken us from living a fulfilled life, but strengthen us as we gain a new sense of value of life itself.

 

Tomorrow isnt guaranteed to any of us,...and its really not necessary to be afraid of losing another loved one as it happened b4,..but love that person as if there is no tomorrow. Love is a gift from God that should be cherished...and i would like 4 u to continue to cherish her by standin by her side and being her friend through it all...

 

surely it will benefit you in the long run...

 

 

 

cookies

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Thanks cookie. Your words are helpful. It seems that everyone agrees, including myself, that if being her friend is all that she allows, then I need to be there for her. I know it is going be very hard. But perhaps after some time apart from eachother it will become easier.

 

I think some people are questioning why take time apart from eachother. Fact of the matter is is that she is the one who has broken it off. Whether she is confused or not she believes this way is best. If I continue to contact her, she may get the impression that I do not respect her decision. I do not want her to think that I am implying that I know, better than she does, as to what is best to her.

 

Plus, if a friendship is the only relationship that we can have for the time being, there is no doubt that makeing that transition without soem time off to reconcile what has happened, and prepare for what is ahead, will be vrey difficult for both of us, certainly me.

 

My hope is that she will return to me before I contact her in a month or so. But, I feel that that may be an unrealistic hope, and that I would be just setting myself up for more pain.

 

We must remember that she has walked on acount of not being ready and not for personal reasons. If that is the case, I should not expect that she will get over these wounds over night. I guess I need to prepare myself for the long haul.

 

I miss her so much.

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aww..i know u miss her sweety...and you are definitely holding it down with ur level of respect 4 her...

 

just dont think that your hope is unrealistic tho...because it only takes an ounce of hope/faith to surface realities from hopeless situations. Just keep praying over it, and while u keep this bit of distance, stay positive, stay strong...but do continue to have faith in God, as miracles happen everyday. Ive learned that we attract miracles in our lives by having undying faith in God. He does not honour doubt...you have to believe it without an ounce of doubt...

 

keep that hope alive and expect the best outcome in this situation...k?

 

 

 

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Hi there, pennywise. What tough situation this is. I am so sorry for this pain that is within you and within her as well. I agree on the points that the previous users have made. First, that she should be running TO you and not FROM you. Second, that it sounds that things are meant to be between you.

On the first point, I think she may be running from you because she may subconsciously feel guilty in the sense that she is allowing herself to be happy with you after she has experienced such a loss. She thinks maybe she has to be greiving and miserable and when she is with you, she is not that way. Maybe she thinks that she owes it to the people that she has lost to grieve for them and not allow herself any happiness. Also, she may be wanting to put in most of her energy into remembering the people she has lost and mourning them. She could feel that she will not be able to focus and put the necessary energy into the relationship. I truly think that she needs you right now to be there for her. However, it is hard to be there for someone who does not want to accept your kindness. But be there in any way that she allows you to. Maybe a relationship is too hard for her, and a friendship is too hard for you. So find a compromise. You don't have to be buddy-buddy right away. Maybe once a week you could call her, send and email, or send a letter just to say hello and how are you. It doesn't have to be anything more than that right now. Just to let her know that you are thinking about her, that you care, and that you are there for her when she is ready. Slowly, things will progress into what you want them to be.

Which brings me to the second point. You two sound that your heart are bound together. It is so unfortunate that something so tragic has to come between love. But if you play your cards right and be there, things can turn out for the better. I always say that everything happens for a reason, even if we do not understand that reason at the time, we will understand later. I think that you two will end up together one way or another. It just sounds fateful to me. You stated that you are fighting between going with your mind and going with your heart. ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR HEART The number one rule to live by. You will never be disappointed if you listen to what your heart truly tells you. I would also like you to focus a minute on QED's signature at the bottom of his post.

I know that this is terribly difficult for you and I can only imagine how tough things are with you and with her. But you will both find your way to eachother. Proceed at a pace that is comfortable for you both. Let her know that you are there for her, do not break all ties. You don't want to lose something so great. Every so often, just drop a note that says "hello". I hope this helps.

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mermaid:

 

Thank you for your response. There are several things that you mentioned that I thought a great deal about when trying to understand this situation. I know that I will NEVER be able to understand what she is going through from an emotional standpoint. It must be so exhausting for her.

 

However, I have made every effort to gain an understanding of the grieving process in itself via the internet and books. One thing that I have learned is that there are numerous stages in the grieving process and that one must get through them all without skipping any. Further, sometimes you one step forward can often times lead to two steps back.

 

I believe that subcontiously she may be trying to protect herself from another loss. Perhaps she believes that if she looses me (i am thinking breakup here not death) she will not be able to handle it.

 

Then there is the guilt factor. She may feel guilty simply for being alive. Her father, her brother, her 2 friends, why was she spared. She was very happy when she was with me. Perhaps she feels guilt for being happy or that she has no right to be happy when her brother and father and friends have died so trajically.

 

The last thing that I wonder is what type of an affect her mother is ahving on her. Her mother has lost everything but her daughter. Her daughter is all she has left. I hate speculating like this, but is it possible that her mother is not giving her good advice. The more time she spends with me the less time with her mother. Although, marriage weas never a topic of dicussion, maybe it WAS on her mothers mind. Maybe loosing her daughter, who is all she has left, is just too much for her. She may not be helping the situation. I know that it is unfair for me to make this claim but I am just speculating here.

 

Then there is her deceased brothers girlfriend who is still very good friends with my girl. Who knows what type of an affect she has on my girl. Once again this is just speculation. For all I know, she may be having a positive affect on my girl. I had hoped that her mother and friends would help her realize that based on her feelings for me, that pushing me away is exactly what she should NOT be doing. But apparently that did not happen and alas she has pushed me away.

 

I wonder if she and her mother andher deceased brothers girlfriend are stuck in this circle of grief. And that one can only heal as much as the others allow. Once again more speculation.

 

Due to my education and career I have a very analytical mindset. I am at a point where my mind continues to break everything down to the last molecule. I know that it is not healhty for me to do this but i can not help it. There are just so many variables here to consider.

 

Like I said in an earlier post, I hope she is handling this better than I am. She has enough on her plate as it is.

 

Thank you all for your continuing advice and support. It has been very helpful. Almost therapudic.

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What a story, where to begin. The greiving process is different for different people. She is in a different state than you? For women that can make a big difference, we like a pair of eyes to look into and a pair of arms to hold us when things go wrong.

 

She is going through more than we can understand, as she is in the midst of losing herself with everyone else. This is impossible to handle and it will change the person that you thought that you knew into someone else. When the opposite sex parent dies, you lose a very big part of your sense of self. Moms and daughters typically fight and the brothers and dad stare on and don't get involved. So she and her mother owe it to the people that they lost to find one another and cling together as that is all that they have just now.

 

You can do your best to find it in your heart to do as she says. In this world we like to do what we want and when someone says no, well then we do it anyway. But that is not showing her respect. You respect someone when you do as they say even when your heart tells you no! Women are normally in charge of the relationships, so when she says no she means it, try and hear her.

 

I cannot tell you the pain of losing too many family members, that is a war story. I lost my father 4 years ago and the only reason that I am glued back together is that my mom taught me the meaning of life and love by finding her 8th grade boy friend at church and marrying him. Through this I have finally said goodbye to the feelings for that man in the ground. More than this I cannot say right now. You are young, be good, go out and find some girl and put your love into someone new.

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She is grieving now, but not forever, be there for her when she is ready.

 

I have to say, this story brought tears to my eyes, im not sure why, maybe its because I feel the love between you two.

 

I think she is the love of your life, and it may be painful for you to just sit and wait, but be patient, dont push her or make her feel guilty in any way.

in a strange way she is "protecting" the relationship, she felt that her grieving would interfere with your love for one another and could spoil what you had, and the last thing she wants to do is hurt you.

 

good luck, the best of wishes go out to both of you.

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Thank you all for your advice on this matter. Things have become a little clearer over the last week. I am going to try and do everything I can to be there for her and support her in any way that I can. But at the same time I also dont want her to think that I do not respect her decision that the relationship is over and that I am hanging around and trying to convince her otherwise. I nned her to know that I am on the same page as she is.

 

Gonna be tough I think on both of us to adjust to this new situation (friends not lovers) but I hope that we can make this work. Perhaps in the future we can continue the relationship as lovers and rekindle what we once had and cherished so much, despite its short lived nature.

 

For those interested, I will keep you posted.

 

Thank again everyone.

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