Is this a form of jealousy?

Hey everyone!

Just have a question> My husband went to lunch with a single woman from our church. That is fine but he did not tell me about it. I found out and got upset at the fact he didn't inform me. He was trying to set this woman and his brother up, and just took her out he says to see why didn't they click.

Its been a year and 1/2, of course its a long time to be dwelling on this, but what do you think?

I definitely would have been upset about this situation. I would ask why didn't he say anything? If there is nothing to hide, then there is no reason to hide it. however, since it has been a 1 1/2 yrs since this happened and it sounds like a one time occasion, I wouldn't worry about it anymore. Don't put undue stress on yourself. I'm sure he learned from his mistake after he realized that it upset you. If it were to happen again, tho, I wouldn't hesitate to bring up the situation. You had every right to be annoyed but dont dwell on the past.

Thanks merymay for your reply.

No, this was not the only time he went out alone with a woman, there were other women he took out to lunch and he said they were only lunches, nothing else.

You know it would be ok if you can keep your wife in the loop of things too. I found emails from this woman telling him she "valued his friendship". I never even told my husband about how much I valued him and it had to come from someone else.

I just felt "abandoned". I could never imagine not telling my best friend things that have in this journey called life. I think that is what hurts me the most and that is what is keeping me from healing completely.

Rebuilding slowly but surely.

Thanks,

Mari

Seeing as how this wasn't the only time that he has done this, I would communicate with your husband express how uncomfortable this makes you feel. It is quiet odd for you to bring this up to him so much later. however, it is better late than never. I would break the ice to him by saying that you are aware that it has been quite some time but is has pondered in your mind all this time. And then proceed to say how you feel. Unless he has done this recently, it may be easier to break the ice by bringing up the most recent event of this. Hopefull after you talk to him, he will not continue to make you uncomfortable. good luck

It is natural for you to be bothered by this.

As you say, the suspicious thing about all of it is the way he keeps things from you.

If it were just one time, I would tell you it is entirely possible that he had valid innocent reasons to meet this woman, and that he stupidly kept it from you because he was afraid you would read something into it.

I say "stupidly" because the only reason to read anything into it is if he DOESN'T tell you. But sometimes people make mistakes and do stupid things, even though they don't have anything really sordid to hide.

So everyone out there: if you have nothing to hide from your partner, take my advice, don't ACT like you have something to hide.

However, you say this happens many times.

Again, I wouldn't assume your man has something horrible to hide. It may just be flirtation at this point.

But to me, just meeting other women alone and having close private communications with them behind your partner's back is still pretty bad.

I agree with mermayd here - this will keep bothering you until you get some answers. Try to keep an open mind and really listen to what he says when you discuss this. (Easier said than done, I know. I myself have trouble staying calm about these things.)

But if it truly bothers you, which it obviously does if you are thinking about it, I think you should make it clear to him that this is unacceptable.

And to help your argument, ask him to honestly imagine how he would feel if it were the other way around. Wouldn't it bother him if YOU were doing these things?

Another importan issue:

You mentioned that you never tell him how much you appreciate him. If that's really true, shouldn't you change that?

Of course it doesn't mean he should hide things from you. On the contrary, he should tell you what he needs from you that he isn't getting.

Maybe you should tell him this. Make it clear that hiding things from you will not make things better, but that telling you what his needs are will.

(And of course, try to fill these needs... That will surely be easier once you get some answers and stop feeling uneasy about his behavior.)

Good Luck

Mery...

I did confront the day I found out which happened 1 1/2 years ago. It is

terrible that this still bugs me to this day. I will get over one day soon.

I don't think about it as much as I use to, but still have some thoughts

about our 15 years of marriage and what else he did not tell me.

Take Care,

thanks,

mari

Chaka you said "just meeting other women alone and having close private communications with them behind your partner's back is still pretty bad. "

That's where I know you are understanding where I come from. About me putting myself in his place, he said that he would ask the question why I didn't tell him and keep going. He says he is secure in himself and that I will not betray him.... On the other hand with this woman they had conversations by email, and this lunch "engagement" which he called it. When we were together in church she would not go around him when I was near only when he was alone.

I still need to get this off my chest its a hard thing to let go of. He understands and accepts now that is not ok for him to go out alone with women. I don't why this ruffles my feathers but it does.

Why can't I be like the norm and not think the worse when nothing is happening.

Thanks,

Mari