jealous of his past
I have a big problem I need to work on.
Any advice or thoughts you have on the subject will be greatly appreciated.
I am extremely jealous of my boyfriend's past relationships.
He has lots of experience - you name it, he's done it, with as many people as possible.
Also, he had an "arrangement" with an ex-girlfriend, after they had already broken up, where they would get together for sex whenever they could.
By the way, given how clingy this girl was and how badly she took it when they broke up, this shows very bad judgement on his part I think. No matter how horny you are, it is not a good idea to keep having sex with someone who is still in love with you. It doesn't seem fair to the girl, it probably confused her alot.
But back to my problem.
I can't stop thinking about his past.
I react emotionally as though he cheated on me even though he clearly did nothing wrong to me.
For example, I keep thinking now, in retrospect, about when we first met. We got together - I think we both suspected this may lead to something romantic - but nothing was clearly stated. Nothing romantic, we didn't even kiss.
A day after meeting with me like this, he went and slept with this ex girlfriend.
I KNOW he had no obligation to me at that time. So why do I always remember it and let it bother me?
Similarly, I find myself judging him harshly for sleeping around so much. I beleive there is nothing morally wrong with that, as long as you don't lie to anyone, and sexual experimentation can be a wonderful thing.
So why am I so terribly jealous??
It must be me, my own insecurities. And THAT is what I need help with.
I have no idea how to become more secure, and stop thinking about my boyfriend's past.
He never lied or cheated, not to me, not to anyone as far as I know. All the poor guy ever did was sow his wild oats...
You have an issue...
Hey there Chakka,
I have been reading your post. You have me beat with your message. I think the answer to your question is in your heart. I don't think that anyone will be able to give you advice in this.
I do have a suggestion for you. At times I am being jealous, too, because I am talking to a girl on long distance myself. I explained my worries and expressed my feelings to her over it. But instead of whining over it, I once a while ask her to reassure me. She is very funny over that, because she manages to make me feel good by telling me how she feels over me and why. May be you could ask your b/f to do the same thing for you. Just ask him downright: "Sweetie, reassure me and pamper me". If I'd be your bf, I would feel special, because you seem to need me then and would hug you to death. But ... that's silly me! *grins*
Anyways, good luck ... I hope this was of help to you
~ SwingFox ~
Thanks. I am sure my boyfriend will reassure me if I say what you suggest.
But I still have to find a way not to think these negative thoughts, because I think the amount of reassurance I seem to need is way more than normal.
Thanks for helping
You really shouldn't be jealous of his past..
It's better if he's had many experiences before you. If he hasn't, when he's with you, he'll always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side and that leads to cheating or breaking up.
My ex bf, whom I still love, is much younger than me.. I'm 30 and he's only 24. We were together for 3 years and we talked about getting married and having kids. But he ended the relationship in December. He says it's because he wants to be alone for a while but I really think that it's because he hasn't been in many relationships or had many experiences with other women.. Until you have lots of experiences, you always think, "Is there something better out there?" So, you really shouldn't get jealous. Whatever happened in the past is in the past, so leave it there! It's not worth destroying a good relationship over!
Thanks for sharing that.
That is a much better way of looking at it. In future, whenever I get jealous like that, I will try to concentrate instead on the advantages of having a boyfriend with so much experience.
I went through the same thing as you are now when I was with my ex-finacee. (we only broke up a couple of weeks ago)
I was very jealous of his past. He had children from a previous relationship and had been in quite a number of relationships. We had a loving and trusting relationship but at times I would actually get angry with him when I thought about his life before he met me. I find it hard to understand, but I think I know where you are coming from. He had no obligation to me before he met me, for heavens sake, we didnt even know each other, but it still got to me. There were many arguments about this, and he had to tell me so many times that what happened in the past remains in the past, but I found this hard to accept. The fact that he still kept in contact with the mother of his children drove me crazy (how selfish was that - he had to see his children)
Anyway, it got to the stage where we couldn't even discuss each other's lives before we met.
All I can say from my experience looking back is that I spent too much time dwelling on his past and didnt spend enough time concentrating on our future.
Accept the fact that he is with you now and that he doesnt judge you on your past. Be happy that it is you he is with now and try to forget things that happened before you came into his life. I wish I had done that then!
Hi.have u read my post cos i just wanted to let u know i feel exactly the same way,you're not alone.I agree with the idea that you should talk to him about it,but do it in a way where you're asking for reassurance and telling him how you feel,not picking on him for it. I feel like my guy cheated on me although he's the most honest guy you could ever meet, just because he has a past.And no amount of advice telling me to forget about it makes a difference,I know rationally the past doesn't matter but it's hard. Did u have a proper childhood cos mine was pretty messed up and I think there's something in it that has caused these feelings.After 2 yrs,they haven't got any better, so if you feel the same,I'd suggest proper counselling,cos no amount of self-help can really work (trust me-I've tried).I just booked my first session...good luck
I feel the same way you do about my boyfriend's past. And the problem is not just because he's had a past but the cicumstances of that past. (ie. when he slept with his ex the day after he was out with you.) That's the thing that you can't totally get over. It does feel like betrayal to some degree, as if you sense him having feelings for you, but then why would he go back to doing something intimate with someone else even if the two of you weren't involved yet.
I think for me, the thing that will assure me that he loves me completely now and that he values me over and above anyone else in his past is just asking him about how he feels. I ask him how he feels now (with me) in comparison to how he felt before (with others). And I usually am assured that he loves me more than anyone else he's loved because he tells me it's just not the same when he's with me. He remembers his past, but it is not something that he wishes to be his present.
I know it's hard to deal with another person's past, especially since you can't really understand it as they do and will always be paranoid that they loved the other person more or that they had better times with the other person or the other person was sexier or better than you.
The only thing you can do is be sure that they love you the way you want to be loved and the relationship is how you want it to be. That's the only way you can judge if your partner is really in love with you and has put the past behind them. And if they have, you should be able to put it behind you too.
This sounds totally like my situation!!!
I can totally relate to this situation. When I first met my BF we were "just friends" so we probably discussed his sexual past a bit too much for my taste - after I started falling for him this information REALLY started to bother me. I have done all kinds of stupid things - from spying, snooping around his apartment, reading his phone bills, checking up on him, trying to spy in his journal, wondering if he was a good guy or not, if he was still in contact with his exes, if he had pictures, etc...
It got to the point where I would not even travel through places where I knew some of his exes lived or live (makes it tough as many of his exes are in his home town). I started second and third guessing who in his life introduced him to his exes, who knows his ex lovers, where he had sex, what he thinks when he's having sex with me, what were their names, what they looked like naked, were they beautiful, if he compares me with someone else, what others know about his sexual past, does he engage in "locker room" talk with the guys, etc. I even get the creeps going to his childhood home (we live in another city have left home some time ago) knowing that he probably slept with another woman in that house or even in the guest bed in which I was sleeping.. (but then again i have done the same thing with other guys in my own childhood home so who am I to complain??).
What bothered me the most was the difference in "numbers" I have had 4 other sexual partners besides him, and he has had at least 9, possibly more. Those dont sound like huge numbers, but I was kinda hoping that we'd roughtly have about the same. Looking at the fact that he has TWICE as many ex lovers, and his past includes one night stands, sex on the first date, lots of anal sex, a 'sex-friend', etc. makes me feel REALLY insecure (my experiences were standard, boyfriend-girlfriend-i-think-i-could-marry-you-lets-go-meet-my-parents kind of things). So, naturally I thought that he was much more "worldly" and how uncool he must think I am.. and that I therefore was uncool, etc. etc. It was a bad bad train of thought. Also - when we first met I was 30 and starting to "ponder" the possibility of a sex friend, or a threesome, etc. and I didn't do it (The fear of STD's has really limited my sexual exploration! I read an article that women are 27 times more likely to contract a sexual disease than men.. and that swore me off experimentation!!)
I noticed my jealousy flared up more when I was feeling insecure about myself and the relationship. We had a rough phase almost from the 4th month together until about Christmas 2002. I'll get into the reasons for that later on...
What might be interesting to look at is BOTH your past and his past - not just the relationship/sexual past but put it into context. Why did your BF have so much experience? What drove him to do it? Was he a product of a broken home and wanted "female" comfort? Sometimes guys can't tell the difference betweeen needing a shoulder to cry on and finding someone to have sex with. Honestly. Sometimes they are THAT clueless! No matter how nice your BF is, and how much you love him, he still has a male brain!!
Did your bf have a bad relationship with his mother or other females? Did he feel insecure and need to "prove his manliness"? Worst of all - was he sexually abused and totally lost the ability to keep his sexual urges in check?
As far as my BF - he was both sexually abused AND had a poor relationship with his mother. ALL of his sexual encounters before me were NOT about sex or love - they were all about proving he wasn't gay (he was abused by a man in a positon of authority), proving he was loveable (he engaged in one night stands or very kinky/unsafe rebound relationship fter he was dumped within the first few years after hew was abused). He was mostly trying to prove his worthiness with his mother ("If someone has sex with me then I must be loveable to women") and that he wasn't gay ("this man abused me so I must be gay") and he was reacting to it. Because of my bf's background he was also an alcoholic/drug addict - I dont doubt that some of his encounters happened while drunk or stoned. Getting over the last remnants of this, and taking his abuser to court has been causing the major relationship problems we've been having.. but I digress... anyhow I cannot blame him for this. After unearthing all this difficult information, I realized that he needs my love and support more than my criticism!!!
Your BF may not admit it, but I would bet that a LOT of his encounters were done out of neediness, loneliness or insecurity, and to me, that says a lot about his motivation. I personally dont know too many well-adjusted, happy or mature people who still really want to continue to do one night stands and other stupid sex stuff.
If he is with you out of LOVE it is very possible to do the same thing with another person but have it mean totally different things!! I never believed it, but my BF swears its true.
In comparison, my sexual choices were made a bit more wisely - never on the first date, with someone i could trust, someone I'd known awhile, etc. Face it - as women we just have more at risk (we could be raped, get a disease, get pregnant).
My own personal upbringing (alcoholic father, emotional abuse, father was very belittling) makes me look at the sexual "differences" between my BF's and my pasts as a way to keep "putting myself down". I realized that this obession really had its roots in me feeling that there is no way my BF could really love me and that sooner or later he'd leave me or go back to his one night stand ways. (his last one nigher was when he was 19 and he's 34 now.. so what am I complaining about?? but you can see how bizarre this obsession is in me as well!!) I have also had a few bf's leave me for a new sexual partner - and that also has chipped away at my relationship security. I have also had people leave me who I never thought would leave me - and that makes me insecure about EVERYTHING in relationships! The older you get the more baggage you get (I'm 33)!
However, the bf's who did leave had very little to no other sexual experience. Does that mean anything? I dont know. I do know for sure though that my BF, no matter how bad things get, never ever wants another one night stand. He hated himself for a long time after he did them. He also said to me "anyone who says that they like sleeping around is lying his face off. Its a pathetic guy-lie and dont buy it!"
In any case, try to logically think about his life in some way. Try to tie his sexual actions in with what his life was at the time. Probably he had some serious insecurities at the time. Maybe he went back with an ex because he has some problems about being alone. Explore these with him. Hopefully he'll be honest and if he does have some insecurities still to deal with, he'll be interested in workign on them now that he has met you?
Despite my BF's past, what makes me assured about our future is three things: 1. BF has NEVER cheated on any of his long time girlfriends (he has had about 4). He has also assured me that "sampling" is not something he was ever interested in, and that his behaviour was done out of sheer neediness and desperation and that he hated himself for it. and 3) since 1993, my BF has had only 2 sexual partners, both relationships lasted little more than a few months. He had not been with anyone since 1998 when we met in 2001. He even had a four year celibacy after his first seven or so experiences which came one after another (he swore off sex and women because he was so hurting...)
All I know now is that my BF has been really honest about his experiences, he admits that he has had too many partners for his own taste, that his actions were driven by abuse, self esteem, alcoholism, desperation, and that I should pity him and not feel intimidated by his past. He was a different person then, driven by pain, and not by love.
Over a year has passed since we had our little "talk" about his past, and I have to admit that time does a lot to reduce the pain you are feeling. After several months to a year together if your BF is faithful and honest and reassuring, and the relationship is healthy, you may stop feeling as bad about his past (I am starting to feel that way).
If your interest and bad feelings about the past continue to bother you, treat it as I do - as a signal that all is not well in either your own life or the relationship and that something needs attending to. Then spend the time to figure out what is the problem, and try to fix it (this has gotten me to lose some weight, spruce up my appearance, get a new job and a whopping raise, and work on some major stumbling blocks in our relationship!!! Yay for me!).
I know that other insecurities I have had have manifested themselves into outrageous jealousy about my bf's past, so sometimes the problem was not even about him, but it was all about me!!!
Good luck - if you want to talk more on this write back or private message. This has been the most MAJOR issue I've dealt with over the past year and has caused me a lot of pain and lost sleep. Please write if you want to. I totally relate with your situation.
I know what you're talking about. My exboyfriend had quite the past too and I was jealous of it! It was the weirdest thing. I think that it just made me edgy because I felt like since he had done so many things with so many people that maybe I wasn't too special to him... but after a while I realized that what's in the past is in the past. It's hard to give advice to you, because everyone feels differently....anyway, thought i'd let you know you're not alone.
|25+ YEARS EXPERIENCE. Intervention specialist and counselor who helps couples and families live well and love better.|
|Experienced therapist very skilled with couples and relationship issues. You are not alone. Let me help you navigate your obstacles.|
|Are you feeling stuck, trapped in the same patterns that repeat over & over? Are you feeling angry, alone, unappreciated & unheard? I can help you.|
|Licensed Professional Counselor. 30yrs working with couples & families to empower individuals and their relationships. Exploring the opportunities for joy and contentment.|
|Misunderstandings can create or escalate conflicts, but genuine incompatibility can also exist within relationships. Non-judgmental. LGHBTQIA-supportive.|