We have a child and I can't bring myself to leave her. She doesn't crave sex!!

So I met my girlfriend in 2010, she was beautiful, funny, all the guys wanted her. We had everything in common and it seemed too good to be true. The only fault was she never initiated sex, I seemed to always have to 'ask' for it. I put it down to shyness as she is generally a shy and insecure girl. After a year, things were still amazing and I was sure we would eventually marry and spend the rest of our lives together, hell, we even talked and joked about what we will be like when we were old. Then she fell pregnant, it was planned and we were both thrilled. This was when I feel things changed. I didn't initiate sex while she was pregnant so for those 9 months and 3-4 months after the birth, I must have had sex a handful of times (at max). She had some problems with her lady parts after birth which lasted a VERY long time. It was hard for me to deal with because it could have been solved with a trip to the GP and/or hospital. All the above seems like a life-time ago and it's something that is forgotton but should be noted for you to get a clearer picture. Anyway, we've been together now for over 5 years, our little girl is amazing and beautiful just like her mum. The sad thing is, we still only have sex once every month or 2. I've been living with sexual frustration for a minimum of 4 years and she knows how it affects me. I have told her many many times over the years how unhappy I am with our sex life. She kept the reason a mystery for me until earlier this year when she told me she didn't feel confident enough. It makes sense because she's the type of girl who couldn't order a drink from a bar for shyness and lack of confidence. She won't go to the shop for milk unless she looks 100%. But, I am really good with her, I always tell her how beautiful she is, we never EVER argue and our relationship (if not for the sex) is really great. Her lack of confidence is not coming from our relationship I am 100% sure of this. Anytime I bring up the fact that we haven't had sex in 6-8 weeks, she laughs it of with a sarcastic 'har har' and the matter is dismissed. It REALLY pisses me off, though I don't bother to argue about the situation and thus, I probably don't show my anger enough to her. When we do have sex it's always amazing, we both climax at the same time and she is truly satisfied, as am i. So what is her problem? I read an article about 'asexuals', basically an 'asexual' is someone who doesn't think about sex like other people and could happily live a life without sex. I really believe this is what I'm dealing with in my relationship because we're both happy together with a happy family life, we have money and nothing to complain about. I know she isn't cheating because she works at a nursery that our daughter attends and doesn't come home until 10 minutes after she finishes work at 6pm, to which I have already got in from work. She isn't the type to be cheating and she sure as hell doesn't have the confidence to. So I truly believe she is asexual. I've shown her a forum post before from someone with my problem and it made her cry. We are both well aware of this issue in our relationship and I've asked her really nicely to go to see a GP for some tests. She refuses to go because 'she's too embarrassed' and doesn't think its necessary.

So here I am, I have no possible angles to explore anymore. I feel like I have tried my hardest to fix this but she isn't willing to put any effort into this. I know if I left her, it would destroy her. It would destroy me too but only because I won't be living under the same roof as my daughter. I feel like I've fallen out of love with her from all the rejection and stress she has given me over the years. She is always promising me sex once our daughter has been put to bed but once the time arrives she either falls to sleep watching a film or it gets left 'forgotton'. You're probably thinking "well why don't you just make a move, what happens then?", well, If i pressed for it, I probably would get it, but you have to understand this is years in the making and I'm at the point where I feel, if she doesn't want sex then I don't want sex with her myself. Who wants to have sex with someone who is only having sex with you to please you? not me. So I drop the odd hint here and there when she promised me sex, but it gets smirked off or something.

I'm done with it all now, I really want to leave her. I could move in with my best friend who lives on his own so the only thing holding me back is breaking apart from my daughter and the effect it will leave on my family and especially my little girl who is definitely a daddys girl more than a mummys girl.

I have stayed in the relationship long enough and I'm tired of thinking about leaving her. I am willing to try and work it out one last time. I feel ready to tell her I will leave her if she doesn't sort it out but again, I'm scared of the break-up process.

Sorry it's long winded, I hope someone can help me.

Tell your wife this. It's a deal breaker and if she won't talk to a GP or therapist, you will divorce and coparent your child.

Reading back I have a couple more points that might be useful:

If I pushed for sex when sex was promised, I probably would get it (as explained), however this doesn't work 90% of the time so it's not like I can push for sex and get it and everything will be okay.

Also, I know she's happy in our relationship because she really wants us to have another baby and get married. I've had to tell her I don't want either of those with her because we don't have sex and I won't spend the rest of my life without sex. Yet here we still are.

Tell your wife this. It's a deal breaker and if she won't talk to a GP or therapist, you will divorce and coparent your child.

The time has come, I know, I'm just finding it difficult to begin the breakup process, I just know she will tell me to leave if i'm not happy, which has been her response to me a few times in the past.

To a man, sex is the ultimate expression of love. So naturally, if you don't get none or enough you simply feel unloved.

I suggest you tell your girl above. She needs to not only accept that fact but also deliver.

If your sex drives don't match, do NOT proceed forward and end the relationship. As long as you 2 are involved parents it won't matter to a child. It's WAY better than having 2 parents together in a unhealthy relationship (remember they are watching/absorbing so for them to be around unhealthy relationship they will pick up those habits and assume that's what normal relationship is)

Intimacy negligence is as bad IF NOT WORSE than cheating.

Good luck

The time has come, I know, I'm just finding it difficult to begin the breakup process, I just know she will tell me to leave if i'm not happy, which has been her response to me a few times in the past.

I'd tell her one last time, but be prepared to follow through. It appears as though you've been dismissed on several occasions - not likely to change, or worse yet, she changes in the short term to keep you around. Sorry for your dilemma.

To a man, sex is the ultimate expression of love. So naturally, if you don't get none or enough you simply feel unloved.

 

I suggest you tell your girl above. She needs to not only accept that fact but also deliver.

 

If your sex drives don't match, do NOT proceed forward and end the relationship. As long as you 2 are involved parents it won't matter to a child. It's WAY better than having 2 parents together in a unhealthy relationship (remember they are watching/absorbing so for them to be around unhealthy relationship they will pick up those habits and assume that's what normal relationship is)

 

Intimacy negligence is as bad IF NOT WORSE than cheating.

 

Good luck

100% hit the nail on the head. I am going to bring it up with her in approx 1hr when the childs in bed and house is tidy and we've settled on the sofa. I'm not good at expressing my emotions or just generally explaining truly how bad the situation is with her because she gets immediately defensive and like "oh for god sake this again", kind of attitude. Well, I guess an ultimatum is my only move right now. Either way this ends, I'll benefit in the long run I'm sure.

Yes, two people with different libidos are never happy together. Ask her if attaining your happiness is worth a little awkwardness for seeking answers about her hormone levels. If she refuses to be tested, then you should let her know you'll be co-parenting the child and that'll be the end of your romantic relationship. I'm sorry this has happened. Don't let a pretty girl cloud you to red flags in the future. As you see now, a woman has to meet all of your main needs.

The time has come, I know, I'm just finding it difficult to begin the breakup process, I just know she will tell me to leave if i'm not happy, which has been her response to me a few times in the past.

Because she doesn't believe you will leave.

Thank you Adrina, that's a point worth mentioning.

Why don't you ask her if you can open up your marriage so that you can get your needs met and stay with her at the same time. See how she handles THAT suggestion. If that doesn't lite a fire under her nether regions so that she at the very least gets to the doctor to get her hormone levels checked out or a referral to a sex-therapist (you would go with her to one of those to learn how to seduce your wife into wanting it as much as you do or at least damn close to as much) and if it doesn't, well then you can start the convo about the lack of sex being a deal breaker and you will be moving out to your friends until you can get the legal separation in place and visitation ironed out as well as finding a place of your own.

Then... do it. Don't just say you'll do it... actually do it. You need to really get it through to her that you're not going to go the rest of your life without regular sex.

Because she doesn't believe you will leave.

I guess you are right. Why would she be so unwilling to change??

100% hit the nail on the head. I am going to bring it up with her in approx 1hr when the childs in bed and house is tidy and we've settled on the sofa. I'm not good at expressing my emotions or just generally explaining truly how bad the situation is with her because she gets immediately defensive and like "oh for god sake this again", kind of attitude. Well, I guess an ultimatum is my only move right now. Either way this ends, I'll benefit in the long run I'm sure.

"Defensiveness" kills relationships as well.

And that kind of attitude does NO = love. If a partner has a major concern in a relationship and other party ignores it or dismisses is........the other party clearly doesn't care.

Good luck, hope it works out, but as you already know, you shouldn't count on it.

I guess you are right. Why would she be so unwilling to change??

Because she knows you won't leave her. Her saying no to you has zero consequence. You leave her be until it comes up again.

Well, we've had a heart wrenching discussion, she cried, told me she is NOT going to the dr's because they will look at her and wonder why she wants to have sex every day and throw her out. I've told her how ridiculous that is but it further shows she doesnt see a problem with having sex 3 or 4 times a year. Then she told me she knows shes not normal but can't speak to a doc. I've offered to go with her and even do the talking but she said its still not an option. I'm going now to pack a quick bag of clothes for work tomorrow and staying at my friends. You've all been great and given me the reassurance I have needed.

Will update soon with how it's going. I feel remarkably at peace.. for now.

Good luck. Her stance is absurd...and yet she will have sex in order to have another child.

Hold your ground on this. If you capitulate, you will cement her position

Sad....but i think she does not like sex and has been pretending to enjoy it. Could be self esteem related, physiological or both.

It appears that she has numerous mental health issues that need to be addressed by a professional. Yet, if she refuses to attempt to work through this, your hands are tied, unfortunately.

Do you think she'd be open to having an open relationship, or would she expect that you didn't get it at home and learn to be satisfied with that? I suspect she'd be hurt and not able to understand that your needs are not being met and she's not willing to do a thing to help make things right... Not even a compromise.

... Too bad. Sorry you and your wife are at logger heads over this.

Are you sure she's not holding back because you haven't married her? Perhaps it's a communication issue and she is afraid to tell you that. After all, you we're talking about what it would be like in old age--did you think she was willing to invest that much in the relationship and not be married? She was probably happy to start a family with you because she thought you would follow that up with a commitment.

Are you sure she's not holding back because you haven't married her? Perhaps it's a communication issue and she is afraid to tell you that. After all, you we're talking about what it would be like in old age--did you think she was willing to invest that much in the relationship and not be married? She was probably happy to start a family with you because she thought you would follow that up with a commitment.

I've told her many times the only thing stopping me wanting to marry her and commit to more kids, is the complete lack of sex and im not asking for sex every day because quite frankly ive been with her that long to adapt to having no sex and im only 26. Id be happy with twice a week but this is an extreme for her. To me, she knows she is not like everyone else but she isnt willing to do anything about it. I don't feel like I've ended our relationship, I feel like she has.. its a strange feeling. I think she is expecting me to go back but there's noway that's the right thing to do and it will never happen. I feel almost relieved and not a little bit heartbroken. Maybe it hasnt sank in yet hehe.

Honestly from what you've posted it sounds like her self esteem is at -100. Sex and all that's associated with it is probably just stressful for her and filled with self-hate talk (do I look ok? Is he actually enjoying this? Etc). These types of problems stem from within and no amount of you encouraging or complimenting her will fix if.

If she won't even go to the store without looking 100% this is a serious issue and she needs serious help, from therapists and possibly psychiatrists.

Stand your ground and encourage her to get help! Your daughter will start picking up on her behaviours as well and it may start to affect her self esteem as she grows up . ..you don't want her passing these behaviours on.

If she refuses to seek help, there's not much you can do. Look out for your daughter!

I think instead of pushing her for sex, you should be physically sweet to her for awhile with no expectation - give her hugs, massage her feet or go for other types of touch. Also, women's bodies change after babies and she may really have lost her confidence about how she looks -stretch marks, not being as tight, etc. Have you ever had the child stay with grandparents for a weekend so you could go to a bed and breakfast and reconnect? Are you romantic?

Also, does she feel insecure because you basically say you will only marry her if there is good sex. Sometimes when someone tells me they won't do something unless i do X, I dig my heels in and don't do it because I feel they should love me for me., but with me ex, he would name one thing and i'd change it and it would be something else. I also think that she could be withholding because you are withholding - you have a child and you won't marry.

I suggest you ,ask her to go to the doctor not because of your needs, but because you are concerned about her health.

Honestly from what you've posted it sounds like her self esteem is at -100. Sex and all that's associated with it is probably just stressful for her and filled with self-hate talk (do I look ok? Is he actually enjoying this? Etc). These types of problems stem from within and no amount of you encouraging or complimenting her will fix if.

 

If she won't even go to the store without looking 100% this is a serious issue and she needs serious help, from therapists and possibly psychiatrists.

 

Stand your ground and encourage her to get help! Your daughter will start picking up on her behaviours as well and it may start to affect her self esteem as she grows up . ..you don't want her passing these behaviours on.

 

If she refuses to seek help, there's not much you can do. Look out for your daughter!

You want your daughter to be strong and she can't be if her mom thinks of herself as dirt. That is the bigger issue than sex for you.

On top of it, she has a guy who she had a baby with and that isn't good enough for him to want to marry her. That has to take a hit to it too.

It's likely that this relationship needs to end, but I'm not sure you've handled the conversations as well as you could have. Not saying she's right -- I think her attitude is really troubling. It's something that runs really deep that as another poster pointed out, signals some larger mental health issues. But here's some things it doesn't sound like it is:

-- it's not hormonal (women who have no issues with sex except that they have no desire for it WANT to have desire for it)

-- it's not asexuality (people who are well-adjusted asexuals aren't as avoidant of sex and physical intimacy entirely and sarcastic/dismissive as she is -- they just aren't interested)

-- it's not something "tests" from a GP will identify

-- it's not a lack of care for you

On that last one, it's not that she doesn't care about you so much as she REALLY hates something about the idea of such vulnerability that comes with sex, it seems like there is something almost phobic about it. There are way too many other insecurities you say she has, and self-rebuke, for it to be stemming from something physiological.

What it sounds like to me is that she has probably very long-standing associations of sex with shame. In fact, it seems that shame pervades much of her self-image. Was she raised in a religious home? A sexually abusive home? An otherwise shame-based childhood and repressive home?

I am willing to bet that she has faked every one of those orgasms with you (sorry, dude), trying to overcome her aversion and self-consciousness. And she has been quite inconsiderate of how this affecting you, I feel for you. But I'm not sure the problems she has have been dealt with in the proper manner. Rather than asking her to see a doctor for "tests" (what sort of tests did you have in mind?) or suggesting she be medicated -- which really only drives the point in further that there is something physically shameful and unacceptable about her -- why not have a talk about seeing a counselor together?

I'm not talking about seeing a medical doctor together, I'm talking about giving you both a chance to talk about what you BOTH know is not normal with a couples therapist.

She knows she's not normal and probably deep down doesn't like being this way. So she has to pull up some courage and get her head out of the sand to face this. But I think the emphasis should be on her getting help for something that no doubt is hurting her, too. Not just you finding a bandage to put on her, so you can have the sex you want (the way it probably feels to her).

I think separating is a good idea so she knows how serious this is for you, but I think before you give up on this, you should tell her that you want to know more about her fear. That you sense this comes from a deeper place, and think she doesn't want to be this way either. And that perhaps this is an opportunity to grow out of some kind of pain that she's carried along way too long. Make this a plea for her to want to help herself to become healthier and happier.

The problem is that it's really been about you all this time, and for her, that just reads as someone pushing her into something she has a deep reason to need to run from. So rather than pushing a person in the direction they are already running, another tactic has to be tried.

If you don't know what in her past caused this, then I actually think you probably don't know enough about eachother. Clearly, you're both very young, and this is not an age where you know how to navigate the depths of this kind of impasse. This is not JUST something she's "doing to you"...it's a situation you created together (in that you knew from the beginning that she had some crippling insecurity issues, and you sought to prop her up, in a way -- which only goes so far, as you can see). So even though you have been together for a while, I'm wondering how well you really understand her (and vice versa). It sounds like you have limited knowledge of how she ticks and the why, other than how she's been since you've been with her. I'm guessing she would have a hard time talking about disturbing and very private issues even with you, and you have only gone so far opening up to eachother. She sounds like she has some serious skeletons in her closet, and the only way you'll get her to come around (if at all) is for her to want to open that closet door.

You might be the catalyst for that if you approach it as something you want to explore with her because you have not been able to understand her fear well enough. In your shoes, I would actually use the words "shame" -- I would say something along the lines of, "I'm wondering where all this shame comes from, which I've realized you carry. Do you want to find out more about it, and perhaps free yourself of it so that you can give our daughter a more healthy role model? And for your own healing from whatever it is that caused it? I would like to understand it better, for one." Knowing that you care about her fear might make her feel quite differently about taking the risk of getting help. For her own sake, for your daughter's sake (as another poster pointed out), and then, as a couple.