I've been ghosted, what do i do? (Edited post*)

This is a long post but I will absolutely appreciate any and all help/opinions.

So I met someone who I believed to be the love of my life (on Tinder surprisingly) last October.

We were exclusive since the day we met, but it took me a little while to acknowledge the relationship (2-3 months) I've always looked at the long term and wanted to take things slow so I did and explained that to her. So we start dating officially after she brought me on vacation to Spring Training in Florida in late March. Things have always been perfect and I've helped her through so much (medical, personal, and from financial problems).

What we have (had?) is more real than anything I have ever experienced, I felt emotions and feelings for one person I did not know was possible. After many failed relationships (either from my doing or an opposing past partner) I have never came close to feeling what I have with my current ex.

I have been there every time she needed me without ever asking anything in return. I've seen her at her worst and her very best, and loved her through it all. We argue about small things now and then but that was it. She recently asked me to move in with her (about 2 months ago) and I was considering (looking) getting a job around her to make it happen, after all we couldn't get enough of each other.

However, after one fight, everything changed for her out of no where (just a regular dispute, if anything a very small misunderstanding). She told me things like "she needs space." And that some of the arguments we had hurt her (unbeknownst to me). I apologized and did what I could to salvage what we had, I also told her I loved her for the first time and she said she loves(d) me too and has been telling her friends for a long time...

Side note:

In the beginning she wanted to further things at a faster pace than me but I talked to her about it, because at the end of the day she was the girl I was always scared to meet, the one that made me question my entire life. I always pictured my future being the '30-something year old, single bachelor' but meeting her changed that in me. And after we became official I fell quick and fast, and then I was scared I was the one who took the lead in the relationship, and in turn, afraid to tell her I love her.

I chose her because I don't see a life without her, and I still don't. She was more than just my love but also my best-friend. We have so much in common, similar interests, music, dreams and aspirations, that it really did scare me in the beginning. The passion and attraction is UNREAL, my heart rate is always spiking no matter how many times I'm with her, and I know she feels (felt) it too. These reasons are why I still can't picture myself without her and it's almost been a month since I have seen her. But I digress.

...After that we were really good for another 2 days but then another 180 came about. She said she was still confused and felt like she was "suffocating" in her own life and needed time which I was (am) happy to give her.

After that we spent a few days together because we had a baseball game planned that she still wanted to go to with me, but we weren't sleeping together. After those days passed I went to go home (Aug 7th) and everything seemed okay I guess, we were talking but at times I felt disconnect. I noticed she had been texting a few guys non stop for a couple days who she always claimed were just friends, but I KNOW they want more than that. I am absolutely not the jealous type but I have always been worried some of her "friends" don't reciprocate the friendship she has for them. She always has been the type to be friends with guys and I absolutely understand and accept that. However, they are a handful (2 specifically) that just seem, really shady.

Up to the day I left (Aug 7), her phone was on vibrate (NEVER is) and texting one of these "friends" and it has been ALL day (morning to night and texting each other a lot, sending each other multiple texts at a time), and I know he flirts with her.

I've seen texts months prior - not on purpose (I swear) where he compliments her and to my surprise she never really entertained the flattery. But maybe that changed within the coming months? He has a similar appearance as me, long hair, but not nearly as stylish as me.

She never talks about him and that's odd because she talks about all her friends (girls and guys). She claims it's nothing and was disgusted I even brought it up and states that there is no one else after a few attempts asking if she wanted to keep her options open or if there was someone else (not him specifically), but the answer has always been a strong no. I'm wondering if she was/is trying to protect me from the truth? Scared to look me in the eye and say she wants to explore this "friend" of hers?

So I go to leave (Aug 7th) and she tells me to tell my family she says hi, tells my sister to have a happy birthday, then we have a long embrace, and kiss a few times. I tell her I love her and she says it back, and she tells me to let her know when I get home. I did, and nothing ever after that. 5 days go by with nothing, so I reach out and ask for some closure or to talk in person so I can figure out what I need to do within myself. Either to try and attempt to move on or at least gauge what she's feeling.

She told me she didn't want to hear anything else regardless of the intention behind it is. I respond by explaining that this is for me and I need to focus on my life (I don't know what is happening still at this point). I receive nothing in return. The next or following day she breaks up with me on Facebook without saying a word or telling me anything (I have been under the assumption she only needed space, nothing more). And that was on Aug 12 and today is the 30th. Still nothing.

I have a hunch she has been seeing that person because the "like" wars they have with each other on Facebook (pictures, statuses, etc.). I try not to look but when I am left with no answers, without any clue, it is making me go crazy and I'm looking for something that is definitive so I can try and move on.

I haven't been sleeping, I have anxiety, depression, loss of appetite, everything. I don't know if I should be waiting for her since I do not have any explanation which I still feel like I need/deserve so I can move on or at least try to. I have things at her place and I don't know if I should get them by showing up at her apartment when I know she's home or do I call and risk she will just leave them outside? Keep in mind that I'm still looking for some type of closure so I can try and move on accordingly.

I know I don't deserve this but my heart and mind believe this is not her, she is an extremely independent, (very) smart, mature girl, and this behavior is just so uncharacteristic of who she is. She's been on her own for quite some time, (3 or so years) and knowing how independent of a person she is and has been, I know it took a lot out of her to ask me to move in. Something I know for sure she thought about for quite some time. This also came a few weeks (3 maybe) before the argument we had when she asked for space.

It seems like she took resentment of the small past arguments we've had (again, nothing major at all) and just let it build up to a breaking point. I feel like she buried the love she had for me with that resentment and anger, and filled it with social media and other attention. She seems like she adopted some sort of narcissistic personality ever since things came to an end.

I also mentioned that if this is indeed the end of us that I would eventually need to get my things when I reached out to her on the 12th, but she ignored that aspect of the conversation.

Is maybe keeping my things a sign she is still confused?

Is it a power play for her knowing she has the upper hand?

Is there a way I can take back some power (dignity) because I want to - not to try and win her back, but more so because I do not deserve to be treated like this and I want to tell her that. I was by no means "perfect" but I'd like to say I was close to it and have done so much for her, out of selfless love. I just don't know how someone can turn off love like this. She lost her mother when she was 13, so I'm wondering if something happened to her mentally where she is incapable of empathy and forgiveness and can easily let go of people like she has with me.

But I just don't know how to properly confront her, do I wait for her to initiate contact or do I try again with time?

Or is this ghosting method just playing a part and she wants to avoid confrontation all together?

I'm just totally confused and need others opinion's because I am in my head too much and can't seem to figure out what's the best way to go about this, getting my things back and talking to her.

- Frank (24)

How long did you move in together, after meeting?

You guys went way too fast. I don't know if she simply got fed up with the bickering, or if she had simply moved beyond the honeymoon period.

How often were you arguing?

We didn't move in together, she mentioned to me that I should move in with her, and find a job close enough to her to make it happen, that was a month or so ago. It was a little fast but we are unbelievably compatible and there has been multiple times when I'm at her apartment for days at a time and we are always great when we are physically together. The arguments come when we are away from each other, and there have maybe been 3 small arguments over the course of 6 months.

Since she has been on her own for so long I feel like when I tried to help her with things she has been reluctant to listen. Ex: One argument came about when she got multiple a/c units for her apartment which doesn't have central air. I turn them off after things get frigid because I know it saves her money. However she got mad when I shut them off because she believes keeping them on is the best solution for energy efficiency, but I tried to tell her that isn't actually right. I even sent her an article about it which explained what I was telling her. Later she said she was frustrated because I wasn't listening to her and I just should have done what she was asking. But that is confusing because when she is actively seeking to save money and isn't doing it the right way I question if she just have some problem where she is incapable of criticism or being told what to do? Not that I necessarily tell her how to do anything but I make suggestions when I can.

But the weird thing is this happened a few weeks before she asked me to move in. Other arguments have been similar in nature, and I'm not sure what is going on in her head. We intellectually challenge each other in many ways and I think she may have a hard time understanding I'm not trying to impose myself but help her. Which I have been doing since day 1. And given this she still asked me to move in so I'm not sure what exactly the problem is.

She isn't ghosting you. She's broken up with you and gone no contact.

I'm really sorry you're suffering, but you've been dumped, and I think it's pretty clear that she doesn't want to have contact with you any more. Harsh, on her part. You want closure, but clearly she's isn't interested, she's moved on - or at least is in that process.

Relationships that start intensely like yours often burn bright and then go out quickly. It's too difficult to sustain that level of 'togetherness' and intensity - hence why she may have felt suffocated and in need of space. Additionally, she may have decided that things were going too fast and she didn't want a commitment so soon. The texting other guys was a warning signal that her thoughts and emotions had cooled and that she was looking elsewhere.

You may have to accept that there won't be closure. You feel she owes you an explanation, clearly she doesn't feel the same way. The best thing you can do is gather your dignity and let her go without blowing up her phone with texts and calls.

Sometimes we don't have a choice about what happens. I understand the hurt and the rejection, but sadly the only way to go is forward.

She isn't ghosting you. She's broken up with you and gone no contact.

In a sense, that's exactly what she's done - ghosted. When I ghost a party, I just leave without any explanation. She's left the relationship without any explanation. Now if you're the host of that party, you don't run after me and you don't wait for me to come back - you get the message.

In the end, your problem is that you're trying to stem the rejection. You need to accept the rejection.

I told you I thought she had link removed - the biggest sign for me is her refusual to give you closure.

But you've got to give yourself your own closure. The best way to do this is to construct your own story of the relationship and the break-up.

Instead of waiting for her to tell you why it ends (which link removed), work it out for yourself and come up with a version that explains things for you.

I'm starting to agree with both of you. Thank you for your opinions on the matter, but do you have any suggestions on how to approach getting my things back?

It just sucks because it would help a lot of I was able to get a reason. At least to help me understand what went wrong or if there was/is someone else. Its also hard to create a story with half of the author missing.

You went too fast. If you only had three insignificant fights, and she called it quits, she didn't love you. She was simply infatuated. Sorry, but love is much more sustaining.

If a relationship is fast forwarded, it is a big, red flag that it will not survive - happened to me, too. If you get to know one another, slowly, you can establish if you are suitable together. Honestly, you were going through the honeymoon period, and she felt that when reality hit, she was not willing to make the commitment.

What was the relationship with these other guys? She also sounds like someone that needs a lot of outside attention - like my ex.

Do you really need these items? If so, contact her and establish a pick up. Take a friend.

You need to face reality that this is over. She has moved on. Also, stop making excuses for her. If she loved you and wanted to be with, she would.

It's a bunch of clothes that I would like to wear again.. Among other small things, play station games we played together, DVDs, art supplies. It isn't like I'm just trying to go there for a toothbrush and deodorant lol.

But yea I just don't understand why she would ask me to live with her, if only to end things? That's aspect is throwing me off a lot. She was at some point ready for the commitment, and a long one at that. She is a smart girl so I know that was a big deal for her and took a lot to say. To then just take it back a few weeks later? Maybe I'm just being naive that people are actually capable of treating "loved" ones or "ex-loved" ones with such disrespect. Did she lie about loving me? I don't think she was. I'm not sure anymore and I try not to split hairs over everything but it's just hard to accept.

Thank you for the post Holly

For a while I was holding on to hope that her keeping my things was a way of telling me she is still thinking, but given everything at hand, the way she disappeared, and the Facebook breakup, she is probably just afraid to look at/confront me. I think she knows she was wrong how she handled this entire situation and is trying to avoid me as long as possible. Or one day I'll wake up and my things will be at my doorstep. It's just mind blowing that people can treat others like how she treated me. I could understand if I did something so awful and disrespectful, like cheating or being unfaithful in general, but that simply isn't the case.

Sometimes, they get caught in the moment.

My ex was proclaiming his love after two weeks. This really felt off, as he didn't know me. This is lust! When I finally returned 'his feeling,' three months down the road, and he bailed. I guess I wasn't as appealing, and he recognized that relationships mean responsibility.

Stop overthinking and obsessing - like I did - as it will get you no where. The sooner that you accept, the better. It's done. Use this as a lesson for future relationships.

She may have thought she was in love, but reality hit. In the end, she wasn't in love, as love is more sustaining. It doesn't end over a few minor arguments. She was looking for an out.

Do you have mutual friends, who may contact her about the stuff?

For a while I was holding on to hope that her keeping my things was a way of telling me she is still thinking, but given everything at hand, the way she disappeared, and the Facebook breakup, she is probably just afraid to look at/confront me. I think she knows she was wrong how she handled this entire situation and is trying to avoid me as long as possible. Or one day I'll wake up and my things will be at my doorstep. It's just mind blowing that people can treat others like how she treated me. I could understand if I did something so awful and disrespectful, like cheating or being unfaithful in general, but that simply isn't the case.

I can relate. it's awful.

You really need to look back and address the red flags you ignored. I know that in my case, there were many.

she is probably just afraid to look at/confront me. I think she knows she was wrong how she handled this entire situation and is trying to avoid me as long as possible.

She's not afraid, ghosted, she doesn't care. She's done with you and she's on to her next thrill.

Just like Holly, I've been there. I know how hard it is.

Or one day I'll wake up and my things will be at my doorstep.

She's going to contact you when she needs an ego boost.

[it's just mind blowing that people can treat others like how she treated me. I could understand if I did something so awful and disrespectful, like cheating or being unfaithful in general, but that simply isn't the case.

This happens to a lot of people. As far as I can tell, the only good thing that comes out of it, is you know for the future that there are people like that out there.

It's a bunch of clothes that I would like to wear again. Among other small things, play station games we played together, DVDs, art supplies.

I understand but you're obsessing over these clothes and it's an excuse to see her again.

Just wait a couple of months. Or ask a friend to go get them.

I just don't understand why she would ask me to live with her, if only to end things? That's aspect is throwing me off a lot. She was at some point ready for the commitment, and a long one at that.

She was link removed.

Did she lie about loving me?

No, she meant it at the time, she thought it was love.

Listen, I'm among those who had something very similar happen to them, and it took near a year and a half to process the entire situation. Toby17 has it spot on, she was fast forwarding and future faking you. Please read that article and listen to it in audio multiple times over. And every time the pain returns, which it will many times, please listen to the audio again. You need to learn to recognize this behavior. It happens to a lot of people. As painful as this is for you, you have no concept of the pain it would have been had this gone further and deeper towards and into marriage.

To say you dodged a bullet is an understatement. And to quote a favorite phrase, "Sometimes, when life closes one door, you want to get a hammer and nails and make sure that b*tch stays shut."

Stay strong. You are not alone.

Thank you for the posts everyone, that article did help. I have it saved in case I need to reference it again.

Toby was right. She will be back for round two. This time you will be demoted to something more casual. This people are crazy makers.

I suggest you look at link removed It discusses this type of personality, and what to look at for.

OP I've been there before. Her announcing big plans but not becoming part of it at all. I think she just wanted to have some attention from you that she is missing. Either she's having someone else on the other side where there is a lack of that attention (maybe even financially) or she started feeling uncomfortable to the ideas that she put out and wouldn't take any responsibility for that.

Eitherway she tried to find excuses, pulling herself away the minute you wanted more or came closer towards her. She probably blamed a lot of stuff on you, keeping you on a string instead of being honest and forward in what she wanted with you from the get go. I bet the uncertainty and fear by her pulling away made your mind more infatuated or disturbed then it allready was. She deffinitly did future faking. Making you look forward to that idea. Giving you expectations. Imagining a future with her. OP don't blame yourself, anyone would be having intense feelings if they believed that. It made you a lot more inlove to the idea and her then you allready were. Perhaps even too much exaggerated. She pulled you in (maybe with her looks and attention). She benefited and pulled away.

But I think the biggest red flag of all was that you two were exclusive from the very beginning. There is allways something wrong when a relationship is hesitated. You can't trust, love or respect anyone from day one. Actions speak louder then words.

Trust me when I say don't blame yourself too much. It's easy to blame everything on yourself when having experienced that. Also trust me when I say she never intended in having a future with you. I can understand if you feel used. But thank god you did not end with someone like her. Because she is not who she says she is. Even if she did "come back". It would be very wrong to accept her because you can't trust her. better to just go full no-contact instead and let this whole experience sink in. It might take some time in getting over her, but you will. Even if you can't believe that right now.

You've deffinitly experienced and learned with this one.

When things start this quick...usually they fizzle out as quick and without warning. I see it here time and time again, I see it with my friends. You can't really say much to your close friend that just met a girl a week ago, and now she's his girlfriend and they hang out together.... But I also wasn't surprised when she dumps him 2 months later, says she's moving for a job and a week later has photos of a new guy on social media. Can't say I told you so, but its what happens when people ignore red flags and just fantasize.

Hey guys if you are still following, I would appreciate taking a look at this. I believe that she did indeed future fake me, and there is no trust for her anymore. I also know I cannot give myself back to her, even if she asked for it. But I would like to know your thoughts on this. Thanks again everyone, it is crazy how complete strangers can reach out to me and help me feel better. Even if it is for a little bit of time.

Here we go with the psychoanalying. Does it really matter!

All you need to know is that she did not treat you well and is not capable of a commitment.

Don't make excuses for the situation. You will move on faster, and not make the same mistakes again.

Everyone told you not to diagnose, and that it didn't sound like she was a narcissist