trouble dealing with this

My break up was months ago but there is one thing I still have troubles dealing with. My ex was really jealous and would monitor everything I did. Even my friends and family knew he didn't trust me. I had to really change my lifestyle for him and even gave up friends and sports lessons. He had a bit of a double standard though since he could go out every weekend and see no problem with that. Now the thing is: I was a bit of a party girl when I was younger and he knew. I can't stop somehow blaming myself and thinking it was my fault and I MADE him jealous. Even though I have always been faithful and didn't even look at other men....I am scared of opening up again to someone new, to let them hear stuff about me which might make them jealous and thus not trust me. How do I overcome this?

This is not normal . Your ex was manipulative and controlling. It is concerning that you somehow think that the majority of men are like him.

Have you considered counseling to understand why you allowed this behavior? You should not have to prove yourself to your partner, or give up your friends, interests and life. Unhealthy and emotionally abusive.

Be glad that he's now your ex...You were his girlfriend,not his possession.Well, being possessive, controlling and making you feel guilty are hallmarks of an abuser. Not just physical abuse, mind you. But emotional abuse.

The way these guys "lure" you in is by treating you like nothing else matters in the world but you. Then once you are hooked, they guilt you by making you feel like you aren't treating him the way he deserves to be treated. He will question every thing you do...who you are with, what you are wearing, etc. he will get angry that you are spending any amount of time with friends and family...to him, you are his possession therefore your time is owed to him.

Guys like this don't change. They will promise you they will, and may change behavior for a short while. But they go back to their jealous and controlling ways.

I think you should contact your local domestic abuse center and get counseling. You describe yourself as scared, which is a normal reaction to being with a manipulative & controlling, ie, abusive person.

Jealousy and control usually does have a double standard. Untrustworthy people project onto others their own mindset and suspect that everyone else is just as devious as they are.

You can recognize this intellectually, but the guy still succeeded in seducing you into believing that the youthful explorations of your past were somehow responsible for 'causing' his warped lens. Your highest intelligence recognizes that this is also a load of bull, but your emotionality toward the guy is clouding your judgment.

So work with a therapist or a counselor from a woman's shelter or domestic violence group as suggested above to flush out the 'why' behind your emotional attachment to such a man. You're likely projecting onto him some unfinished business with your own father, who may have modeled the same behavior or who was absent--and so you have no model of a healthy attachment to a man in your life.

This can cause you to project all kinds of romantic 'savior' qualities onto any 'strong' man who crosses your path, especially one who withholds approval from you. That's catnip for you, and it will prompt you to equate 'winning' approval with love, and it will keep you hooked.

The big problem with not working this out with someone who's trained to help with this particular problem is that it will keep you miserable and constantly seeking men who mistreat you. You'll find 'nice' guys too boring, and you'll only resent them for offering no chemistry for you.

So unless you fix this, you'll only find domineering, controlling and potentially abusive men exciting. Of course, they'll play 'nice' at first while they seduce you, but once you're hooked, you'll be back in the exact same soup.

I hope you'll skip that and work on the core problem, instead.