We always talk about coping process for one side.

I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I swear I am just as heartbroken as he is.

We were going on 2 years and even though I love him dearly, when I looked into my future I couldn't see us doing the same things that we do when we hang out. He will never be interested in the things I'm interested in (which is very important to me I have figured out).

I can't eat, or sleep. I'm trying to tell myself that I have done the right thing. He didn't know where he saw himself in 5 years, too uncertain of most things. But my heart is breaking nonetheless. I just crushed the heart of a guy I love and there is nothing I can do for him to help him. I have to let him go through this on his own.

I think I'd much rather be on the other side of this deal.

No doubt you are both hurting badly right now. Did you guys discuss all this beforehand, or was it like an overnight thing, from one day-to the next, out of the blue thing?

We had a big fight over the weekend. We never really have fought in the past and even this fight hurtful things were said and he ended up saying "Are you just trying to provoke me to break up with you?" And it crushed me. I had a trip the next day that would take all day and we talked a little about it. I was so hurt by the fight, and the reason of the fight was so stupid.

I have had some doubts during the relationship. When we go out to do the things I was really interested in I could just tell that he didn't really enjoy any of it. He was just a presence.

It's not because I don't love him, but I'm afraid that we'll end up moving in together and then I'll realize that it really won't work out, and then it's even harder for us.

I have a career ahead of me, a really good one. He's struggling to get a part time job. We talked about moving in together this summer (we brought it up last summer) and it never happened. He always had an excuse why we shouldn't, and I honestly don't see him really wanting to move here. I can't move away from this town and we live an hour away from each other.

It has nothing to do about his character, he's such a wonderful person. But there's just other things I don't think I can "ignore".

All those things I've said to him, all the gifts, mean nothing now.

All the things you said, all the gifts don't mean nothing.

Love is a statement of fact, not a promise for the future.

One of the hard truths of life is that love is very often not enough to sustain a relationship.

We're taught it should be by everything we see in pop culture, but it isn't.

In this day and age, common goals, likes, and outlook are probably more important in the long run than love.

Don't get me wrong, you need love, but in a life together that well may approach 50 or 60 years, if that's all you've got, you're doomed.

It's the rare couple who have really dissimilar goals and lifestyle that can last.

They say opposites attract, but even those couples have an awful lot in common and only a couple of things that are really different.

Mourn your loss and move on. It's probably for the best.

Congratulations on doing what's best for yourself. Too many women settle. Breakups are heartbreaking, but people survive them, usually many, before finding "the one." Take care.

I'm truly sorry you're in pain.

It might be worth thinking about which specific interests you think a partner must share with you. It's entirely unreasonable to expect a person to love every single thing that you love, just as it's entirely unreasonable to pressure yourself to love every single thing that they love.

As long as a couple has some things in common. The circles of the Venn Diagram have to overlap, but they don't have to, and one might argue shouldn't, overlap so much that they're one single circle.

My mom goes on garden tours that my dad has little interest in. But he goes along so they can share time together. My dad goes to auto part swap-meets that my mom has no interest in but she goes along so they can share time together. It's about balance.

The more important things are enjoying each other's company, being able to communicate your feelings and concerns so the other can understand them, and treating each other well.

Don't make the mistake of looking for a relationship where you completely engulf each other....in the end it's very seldom healthy.

"Interested in the same things as me" is NOT a requirement to a healthy long term relationship. But you would have to be more specific about what those things are.

As for coping. The best free and natural tools you have is....

a) physical activity of any kind on daily/regular basis

b) mind diversion - when thought of him/love come up, divert them and think about other things that you like/enjoy. Positive/optimistic thoughts. Practice practice practice. It will take time.

c) healthy diet (water, fruits and veggies)

d) TIME, it's simply going to take time but you WILL feel better

Good luck

Thanks guys. I feel so guilty. These are going to be very random thoughts, I'm exhausted.

I want someone I can have adventures with, not someone that shares all the same interests. My ex was willing to do things with me, but never shared that excitement I felt when we went hiking or camping etc and it was almost a downer when we did do those things. It sucks because he is my best friend (cliche I know) but really I've never felt more comfortable with anyone other than family in my life, and I feel like I"m throwing him out like yesterdays trash.

I want to apologize and check up on him but I know if I was on the other side I wouldn't want that happening.

He hasn't taken me off facebook, and I'm almost afraid to take him off myself because it's like putting salt in the wound.

I also have a bike at his place and a few of his things. Is it better to wait to do the swap or should I do it as soon as I can?

Even more selfish of me is that I want to be his friend, but I know he can't do that right now and it's not right of me to ask that of him.

Gosh it's been a long day

Give him at least a week of space. It might be good to give him a little space to process things. When do you need your bike? Do you need it asap?

You're the one who's been with him for 2 years, so you're the one who knows best whether he was the right person for you going forward. Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

It's never necessary to build a case to explain yourself to anyone after a breakup. You can simply tell family and friends that you have your reasons and they're too hard to explain right now, and you'll talk about it when you're ready.

Nobody feels 'good' after a breakup with someone they've genuinely cared about and loved. It's just a tough life lesson that people can 'tell' us but we need to learn for ourselves--some people are best loved from far away.

You did the right thing for both of you. The 'stuff' exchange doesn't matter right now, I'd mentally write that off and work on healing.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

I don't need any of those things right now. And I have a few things of his I'd like to hang on just for a little while I think. I do feel like a horrible person, I feel sick at myself.

I think all this is normal. I read your posts about him and I think that the issues you describe here were present from early on but you balanced the pluses and minuses differently. I also found in how you described things that you did a fair amount of rationalizing and backpedaling about those issues. All that is normal and I think during the relationship you told him about your doubts (if I remember correctly) and he chose to stay. Let yourself feel the loss -no need to wallow-do distracting/interesting things - but it's ok to feel whatever you feel. I'm sorry this did not work out.

Thank you Batya. A part of me is at peace because I did give him every chance to step up. I never belittled him, just positive energy although I did express my issues at the same time.

But it really hit when I looked at myself 2 years ago, and I feel like I've taken 2 steps forward, while he's taken 1 step back. It's hard to convey that to a person while breaking up without sounding crude.

I have a big moving day ahead of me today so that will help me keep my mind off things.

Thank you Batya. A part of me is at peace because I did give him every chance to step up. I never belittled him, just positive energy although I did express my issues at the same time.

 

But it really hit when I looked at myself 2 years ago, and I feel like I've taken 2 steps forward, while he's taken 1 step back. It's hard to convey that to a person while breaking up without sounding crude.

 

I have a big moving day ahead of me today so that will help me keep my mind off things.

That really wasn't my point. I'm not sure that he needs to step up - but I think that from the early stages you didn't accept who he was- strengths and weaknesses. Certainly if he was mistreating you or not being honest with you about his intentions then he would need to step up. But accept that he is happy with the type of job he has (whether or not you view it as good enough/underemployed) and that he wasn't ready to share living space. Again, if he promised to move in together and broke the promise that is different than you wanting him to be a different person.

If you two reconcile you must be 100% sure or at least 99.9 that you accept him as he is right now.

I do feel like a horrible person, I feel sick at myself.

That's not helpful. Lean into the idea that we ALL need to play The Bad Guy in order to leave a relationship that isn't right for us. This doesn't make you a villain, it means that you have clarity for both of you--because if he wasn't right for you, then by definition, you weren't right for him, either.

Head high, and recognize that holding onto feeling lousy doesn't prove anything to anyone and it doesn't serve him, or you. See if you can tap into the kind of adrenaline relief that we all feel when leaving the dentist's office after a horrible procedure--the worst is behind you.

When you're in hell, don't stop and stagnate there. Nothing of value is to be gained by keeping yourself 'guilty' when you've done nothing 'wrong'.

Thank you catfeeder that is really helpful. I do have moments where "relief" does wash over me. I know that we both now can move on. But I hurt for not just me, but for him, because I've been in that situation before.

Today was another stressful day, I moved out of my grandmothers house into my own apartment. For those of that don't know she passed away this spring (I moved in to take care of her and my grandfather) and we are having to sell the house. So I'm heartbroken in two ways.

I know life goes on, and things get better. It's just a lot right now.

Today was another stressful day, I moved out of my grandmothers house into my own apartment.

I'm sorry about your loss of your Grandmother. Look at your timing on these two events--they aren't likely to be coincidental. Your highest intelligence has you clearing house and making a BIG change.

Embrace it. Open to the idea that this is just the dark before the dawn, and it needn't last any longer than your own willingness to hold onto it. That's not necessary.

Sure, grief is natural, and you will have your boo-hoo moments with the tissue box. Those aren't setbacks, they're cleansings, and they need not set the tone for your whole day.

I pulled myself out of grief by sensing my departed loved ones as being 'with' me now in ways that they could not be before. I speak to them regularly, often to poke fun at myself and to challenge whether I'm behaving in the ways they'd want for me.

They want me happy, and I've vowed to make them proud of me. I've accepted the life force energies that they've gifted to me as part of their legacy, and I believe that they give me strength. So I motivate myself with these beliefs, especially when I'm tackling large jobs such as moving and fixing up a new place.

Consider throwing yourself into that as your Grandmother would likely wish for you, and as you do so, tap into some future vision of how you will want your new life to play out. Consider opening your mind to new interests and discovering hidden talents. Devote limited time each day to your grieving, and embrace it as you do it--but then lay it aside until tomorrow and speak to yourself with a new habit of using the voice of an encouraging coach rather than some critical judge and jury.

There is no judge and jury.

Inspire your Self.