She see's no future for us after 4 years, which came out of nowhere

She just told me that she doesn't see a future with me, which seems to be a surprise to since we had been together for 4 years. when we first started dating, we talked about getting married and having kids. she moved in with me around 6 months after we started dating and everything was amazing. we never fought about anything, almost always together.

We worked together and had to keep the relationship a secret for a while. we kept this up for about 1.5 years. we talked about how to progress to the next step and came to the realization that she would move out and go back to school (about 1 hr away, and also close to her family), and then we could come out to our coworkers and her conservative family. to keep up appearances of non-impropriety, (ie., the living together before marriage, work taboos, etc).

we kept this long distance relationship up for 2 more years, visiting when we could, usually 1x during the week, and some weekends. she had full time work and school, so it was hard to get a schedule down, but we made it work. during this time, we agreed to table future talk because her personal future was so up in the air (would she be able to get into nursing school after her undergrad?). it became very stressful for her. she had many loans and final exams, etc.

it was during finals that she decided that she would break up with me because she felt that i was giving her more than she could give me. i told her my take on it, that she had so much going on in her life, and i didn't have as much, so of course i could be more available than she could be. i told her i was fine with it, but she felt guilty. after a few days apart, she came back to me. but another semester goes by and finals come around and she does the same thing. a week goes by and i convince her to give us another try, and, and now she just got into the accelerated nursing program, and of course she breaks up with me. she said she was just staying becuase our relationship was so good, so easy, but for some reason there is no future. she says "she doesn't know why, but why can't she see it? why after all this time have we not gotten further?" i told her because we stopped talking about it so we could concentrate on her school. then we could come back to it.

i know i've rambled on, and can go on with more details, but this should be enough to discuss. i am having such a hard time with what doesn't seem to make sense to me. help anyone?

What I finally had to realize in my on "out of nowhere" separation from my wife is that it actually wasn't out of nowhere. There had been signs along the way, but I was either clueless or chose not to see them. I'm still working that part of the case out in my mind. I bet if you looked back, you might come to the same conclusion I did. We also try to make sense of why it happened when the fact that it did happen is more important. Maybe it was the secrets you two kept from co-workers and family. Maybe it was the stress of school or of a long distance relationship. Maybe after four years, you two just grew apart. It happens. Please don't beat yourself up over it. Just deal with it and move on.

Pretty simple, not enough companionship (time) together on regular basis to keep the relationship afloat.

And clearly her priorities are in career school, not her relationship.

The big question is, why aren't YOU breaking up with HER OP? That's what should really be happening.

If I'm not someone's priority in life, there is no relationship. ESPECIALLY if that priority is "career" or "schooling". That's a sign of a person that has their priority completely wrong.

NOTE: I'm not saying that career or school is not important, not at all, I'm just saying that today it's school, tomorrow it will be JOB.....or friends....or hobbies. Her actions and inability to balance her life speaks VOLUMES of WHO she is/what kind of a person.

READ: not a long term relationship material.

End it FOR her OP and find a person that will provide you with companionship and priority you deserve in LTR.

Good luck

What I finally had to realize in my on "out of nowhere" separation from my wife is that it actually wasn't out of nowhere. There had been signs along the way, but I was either clueless or chose not to see them. I'm still working that part of the case out in my mind. I bet if you looked back, you might come to the same conclusion I did. We also try to make sense of why it happened when the fact that it did happen is more important. Maybe it was the secrets you two kept from co-workers and family. Maybe it was the stress of school or of a long distance relationship. Maybe after four years, you two just grew apart. It happens. Please don't beat yourself up over it. Just deal with it and move on.

My experience was EXACTLY the same as yours. I later discovered that "out of nowhere" was actually 2 years. Unfortunately, however hard we try in a relationship/marriage, we have no control if our partner decides they want out. I found it very hard to make any sense of it at all. I eventually came to the conclusion that, although I made mistakes, there was nothing that I could have done or refrained from doing that would have made any difference whatsoever. Of course, everybody else saw what was happening, except me.

thank you all for responding. I do look back and all i can see is the good. i look at the cards, the emails, the texts, as recently as a month ago saying how much she misses me and loves me and is so lucky to have me. that i've supported her and loved her more than anyone else has. that when we are apart she can't wait to see me. not to mention the actual feelings i/we have when we are together. i know, i know...i'm blind to it all and overlooking the signs, but it just seems like there is still a chance. maybe i'm just hopelessly optimistic, but i can't believe that we are over. i really want to drive up and see her.

I think you're rather wise but don't totally agree with you on some of this. I think many young people make school/career their priority. The only problem that can happen is if one goes onto further education and the other doesn't. Although nothing is guaranteed, most people enhance their earning potential through education and that helps later on when trying to buy houses, cars, etc. Lack of money does not help a relationship. Trust me, I know this.

Also, there's a recent post from someone who does not want a full-on relationship. I know most of us hope to end up living with someone full-time and having kids but not everyone does. As long as both people are on the same book, it's OK.

There are plenty of people who have higher priorities who still make successful partners. Examples are Olympic athletes and people running businesses. I've also found that if you are happy in your relationship but the rest of your life is , it puts a strain on things. Trust me on this one, too.

At the moment I'm in a new job, so it has first call but that's understood and agreed with my wife. It also means I've had to cut out or cut back on leisure activities.

I agree with you that certain issues didn't help the relationship but there's a chance it would have ended anyway.

thank you all for responding. I do look back and all i can see is the good. i look at the cards, the emails, the texts, as recently as a month ago saying how much she misses me and loves me and is so lucky to have me. that i've supported her and loved her more than anyone else has. that when we are apart she can't wait to see me. not to mention the actual feelings i/we have when we are together. i know, i know...i'm blind to it all and overlooking the signs, but it just seems like there is still a chance. maybe i'm just hopelessly optimistic, but i can't believe that we are over. i really want to drive up and see her.

Sorry but you need to put any thoughts of there being a chance out of your mind. It's very hard, I know. Once people have fallen out of love with you, they very rarely fall back in love with you. Accepting it's over is the hardest part of all. I did myself a lot of damage by refusing to accept it was over.

thank you all for responding. I do look back and all i can see is the good. i look at the cards, the emails, the texts, as recently as a month ago saying how much she misses me and loves me and is so lucky to have me. .

Yep. I do the same. In November and early December, she was thanking everyone on Facebook for their thoughts and prayers when I was in the hospital the first time. By February, we were done. Valentines Day 2014 she wrote on Facebook that I was her sweetheart and that everyday with me was Valentines Day. Valentines Day 2015, we were done.

Yep. I do the same. In November and early December, she was thanking everyone on Facebook for their thoughts and prayers when I was in the hospital the first time. By February, we were done. Valentines Day 2014 she wrote on Facebook that I was her sweetheart and that everyday with me was Valentines Day. Valentines Day 2015, we were done.

On another note, I hate V-day! It is very hard on the unattached, especially those who have just broken up from long term relationships.

For those who are attached, one can spend too much money, not enough money or simply not buy the right gift!

Not disagreeing, but we are talking in a context of "long term relationship". Of course you are free to make as your priority in life if LTR is not on the agenda. Sure. Whatever floats that boat.

Now, if you are in a LTR and don't make it a priority, sure it can still be sustained and work, but in time/int he long run....something will give and either Companionship and Commitment will be compromised.

Either one of those compromises = trouble. Maybe not today, but IN time for sure.

i guess my big thing is, i can't understand wrap my head around how she is feeling. she's not a liar, she is a churchgoing, bible reading, sweetheart. she went to school and got a teaching degree, couldn't get anything but substitute jobs and decided to be a nurse. all signs point to a caring loving person. i graduated with a b.s. and have a job. we were on our way to a great life. when we were apart, she asked when she would see me again, she loved me, and i truly felt love. i obviously love her and treated her with the utmost respect. everyone said we are a great couple.

after she ended it, she texted me that our relationship meant the world to her but the fact that she can't pinpoint what her problem is is what is killing her. and that's what's killing me. it feels like maybe no closure, no answers. i've asked her if i could visit her, but she always says "i shouldn't". as if she's torn. i just need to know that she still has good feelings about me

This is a tough one, I feel for you. How old are you both?

I do feel like the pressure of school and work could have something to do with this.

I dont think its just school..i might be completely wrong but it might be one of those its not you its me kinda break ups... if she outright says she sees no future with you and according to you nothing was wrong, there was something that went wrong..maybe school is part of the problem but i feel like there is something even bigger .....

Start healing and cut her off completely. No contact (block her or ignore her).

You need to move on and recover so that you can find someone you deserve.

She is NOT that person. Again, she doesn't seem like a LTR material. Also, I find it weird that she dedicated so much of her life towards teaching degree and just gave up on it and "decided to be a nurse".

Were you supporting her thru all this (financially?). was she co dependent? Maybe she just found a new sugar daddy?

Sorry but "closure" is a myth. Only if you are really lucky, she will tell you truthfully how she feels. Even then, it will appear biased towards to her point of view. Nobody can ever give you an unbiased account of what really went on.

Hard though it may sound, there's no 100% guarantee that she's telling the truth anyway. However, I certainly think it is possible for someone to fall out of love and, when that happens, there is nothing you can do.

im 40, never been married, engaged once. she is 30, divorced once. her ex never physically abused her, but didn't treat her very well. told her she owed him sex, acted as if he owned her. i also fee like her divorce was very tough on her. as i mentioned, she comes from a very conservative family, they don't really divorce, but her immediate family loves her and never shamed her. she may be afraid of failing in another relationship. idk. i really just don't know how i could miss any signs. she is pretty open with me. i've been burned before, i thought i could figure it all out. i can't get past the wonderful feelings

On another note, I hate V-day! It is very hard on the unattached, especially those who have just broken up from long term relationships.

 

For those who are attached, one can spend too much money, not enough money or simply not buy the right gift!

The other option, for those attached or unattached, is to ignore a made up holiday.

i guess my big thing is, i can't understand wrap my head around how she is feeling. she's not a liar, she is a churchgoing, bible reading,..

I would say the same thing about my wife. It's hard for her to tell a lie, but she can withhold things, have affairs and move the kids out of our home into a home with the man she calls her fiancee... all while still married to me. Point is: you're never going to make sense of it anymore than I have in my situation or anyone else has in their situation. Realize this and try to heal and move on.

im 40, never been married, engaged once. she is 30, divorced once. her ex never physically abused her, but didn't treat her very well. told her she owed him sex, acted as if he owned her. i also fee like her divorce was very tough on her. as i mentioned, she comes from a very conservative family, they don't really divorce, but her immediate family loves her and never shamed her. she may be afraid of failing in another relationship. idk. i really just don't know how i could miss any signs. she is pretty open with me. i've been burned before, i thought i could figure it all out. i can't get past the wonderful feelings

The other thing is that sometimes we think we're trying to make sense out of it when really we're trying to make excuses for their behavior.

The other thing is that sometimes we think we're trying to make sense out of it when really we're trying to make excuses for their behavior.

And at the end of the day, we're all charged with acting morally in this world. No amount of excuses, lies, half-truths or rationalizations change that.

I expected she was going to be early 20's, in that case id have said she's grown up, changed etc.

I completely know how you feel and there's nothing worse than being told someone feels different and they don't know why. Especially after a long time! There will be a reason, there has to be because people don't just randomly fall out of love for no reason. But you can be assured that it's probably not you at all. I think you did everything you could to keep this relationship together. That being said, it's her loss not yours.

This didn't come out of nowhere, she's been breaking up with you repeatedly. She's been out there exploring life and herself, and she sees the two of you on diverging paths.

No, I wouldn't go and see her. I'd give her the time and space she needs while focusing on your own healing. I'd trust that if she ever reflects and has some great epiphany, she'll have no trouble reaching out to let you know this.

Meanwhile, I've used 'hope' to move myself forward. I invented a thing in my head that I called 'higher ground'. It's a premise that if we're truly a meant-to-be deal, the ex will recognize that I'm really The One and we will meet on higher ground someday. Meanwhile, it's up to each of us to get to that place on our own. This motivated me to start focusing on moving myself forward with new goals and interests and to cultivate a healthy social life. I made my first goal to surprise everyone--including myself--with my resiliency and ability to bounce back from this and create a good life for myself.

So you don't need to drop hope, but milk it for all it's worth to move yourself into healthy territory rather than fixate on ex at a time that she's clearly not invested or interested in dealing with any forced outcomes with you. That will only trash your hope rather than preserve it--and that's an unnecessarily hard way to 'heal'.

When you have a leg that's broken in one place, it makes no sense to crush it further in order to recognize that it's broken. Focus on healing yourself rather than throwing yourself at her to pursue a different outcome--you can't force someone to want what they don't want. She'll need to reach that point on her own, and without your influence, or she'll just feel backed into a corner and will believe her own defense AGAINST what you want more strongly.

Skip that. Heal, and allow her to do the same.

The other option, for those attached or unattached, is to ignore a made up holiday.

We just exchange cards, no more. We make more fuss of our wedding anniversary which is a special day for us.