How to end an okay relationship?

My girlfriend of about 8 months just told me "I love you" for the first time and my heart hasn't been in the relationship for a while and I've been wondering what to do. Here's the backstory...

I met her in my third year of college when she was a freshman, so she's a bit over 2 years younger than me. I encountered her and her best friend at my job in a residence hall and then I became to know them as friends when I joined an organization they were involved with the following year. She and I always had a bit of a flirty thing going on but I kept enough distance and drew the line. For some of the time she had a boyfriend anyways. The following year, the boy she was with dumped her and she started to get over that. Eventually, I let the line that I had clearly drawn between us get crossed and we had a brief (couple nights) fling with some making out and whatnot as I spent the night. She decided she was inevitably going to get attached and said we should just be friends. Then a mutual friend (her best friend's boyfriend) went behind my back and told her we need to talk. So I agreed and we met. She admitted she liked me and wanted to be with me and I told her how I haven't been in a legit relationship and I was trying to get over some things from the past and I wasn't interested in ruining the friendship and dynamic between me, her, her best friend, and her bf's boyfriend. I also didn't want to be the next guy to break her heart if things didn't work out. She insisted everything would be fine and it wouldn't change things and put up the argument that we didn't even really know each other that well. She had a good point and so I said I would be okay with getting to know her more as friends. We did just that and shared a lot of personal stories about past experiences and/or relationships. Eventually I had decided I liked her enough and I didn't have anything to lose with giving the relationship a chance (except maybe my virginity). We started dating officially in December 2014.

Thus far, we haven't had a bad relationship. We get along really well and have a similar, weird sense of humor. Over time though, my heart and interest have fallen out of the relationship. There's been a ton of little things, mostly to do with maturity or how she is that has worn me down by having to deal with it. I also feel like we are completely different in some key ways. She falls for someone fast and hard, and gets attached. I'm quite the opposite. I take a long time and don't fall in love quite that easily. Having been single for the first 23 years of my life, I'm quite use to spending a lot of time by myself and doing things alone. It's nice to be with someone but she wants to always be with me whenever she can. If I try to put up any opposition or alternate plans, she gets all mopey and I end up feeling guilty. I suck it up, but not having weekends and time and space when I want it really wears me down and I feel like I may have started to lose myself. As well, it didn't take long before she had things that stay in my apartment [pillow, shower stuff, medicine] and she still has my spare key as well.

The problem is, we haven't had any major fights. Even though I'm not a bad boyfriend, I don't think I'm the greatest and I feel like she doesn't realize that. I've stopped putting in a lot of effort in that I stopped planning dates, I don't call instead of always texting and things of that nature. It hasn't seemed to make a difference though. This is so hard on me because everyone likes her too. My parents like her, my brother and his wife (who's opinion matters more to me) really like her, and all of their friends love her. They ask me if I'm going to marry her, if I've said 'I love you' yet, etc, etc...It's a lot of pressure when it's my first relationship, we've been dating less than a year, and I'm just not in love with her. Her parents seem to like me too (which is apparently quite a feat for one of her boyfriends to accomplish, they're a bit strange).

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I swear last weekend she let out a quick "I love you" as we were going to bed. This weekend, I went back to her hometown with her to her cousin's wedding. Today, after we were back she said she had something to tell and I didn't have to respond. It was "I love you" and she said "don't worry, you don't have to say it back, I just wanted to let you know that's how I feel." And she said she had worked up the courage all weekend to say that to me. I had nothing to say in return and I feel so bad.

I suppose I'm guilty for letting it get so far but how do you randomly end a relationship that hasn't necessarily been bad? She also was living alone this summer in the city without her friends as they were on summer break from school. I knew if I ended it then, she wouldn't have a support network. Now her best friend is living with her again and I've gone to the wedding with her as I promised I would months ago but she's going back to school in another week. I know if I end the relationship it's going to crush her. I never wanted to do that but I also know how hard it is to deal with emotional pain when you're starting a new semester of school. There's never really a good time to end a relationship though I guess. I just have no idea what to do, and my heart is really heavy because of it. It's likely going to ruin the friendships between the 4 of us I already mentioned above but I think it's also just going to hurt the both of us even more if I let it go on.

She's a good friend and not a terrible girlfriend but she's not the right girl for me. I don't have any regrets about the relationship but I don't know how to proceed. Any help is much appreciated!

You're not doing her any favors by not saying anything.

You need to man up and tell her the truth. It will be even worse for you both, if you continue to string her along.

And for God's sake, don't end this by text or email. Do it in person.

I can understand how you feel. I was in a similar situation, where he really was a good guy. We just didn't match in some important ways. You sound like a very mature person and I can understand the need to have some time to yourself. I will tell you, it only gets harder the longer you wait. It might be best to tell her within the next day or two so she at least has a week to get over the initial pain before classes start. Otherwise, you wait until Thanksgiving break & she has a ty Thanksgiving. Or you wait until Christmas break & she has a ty Christmas. There's never a good time to break up with someone. Yes, it will hurt. But we've all gone through it and eventually it gets better.

I was in this situation last year, where I told my boyfriend I loved him, and he didn't say it back. i wasn't upset at first that he didn't say it back, but after a few weeks, it really hurt because it became clear to me that "his heart wasn't in it." I tried to break up with him a few times and he begged me not to, said he needed some more time (he had other life circumstances/unemployment going on). He told me he thought when he got a job, he could move the relationship forward. Instead, he broke up with me 2 weeks after he found a new job. pffft. I asked him why he didn't let me break up with him when I wanted to. He said he was selfish. grrr.

Anyway, sorry for that diversion. What I'm trying to say is that I should have followed my gut and broken it off shortly after he didn't return the "i love you." I guess he talked me into staying around and trying and waiting. I think it would be more fair to both you and her if you break up sooner rather than later so you both can find partners who are better matches for you. It doesn't sound like she's done anything "wrong." I don't know, maybe her gut thinks something is off, and she's afraid to talk to you about it? It's probably best to make a clean break. Don't offer to stay friends or whatever, that is very confusing.

good luck

Thank you so far, everyone. I'm definitely not going to do it over text or email. I'm not that kind of person! We'll certainly sit down and have a conversation. I just don't know how I'll initiate that with us both working during the week. I know it's going to get worse the longer I wait. I host feel horrible knowing how she's going to take this

She's feel worse the longer you wait. I would say end it in the next seven days or less.

You're 23, you've never had a relationship. Are you certain you know what love is?

It is okay that you're not ready to say "I love you". It sounds like she even said it's okay. She's being patient and all this "pressure of a first relationship" is pressure that you're putting on yourself. Like you think "i love you" is some kind of demand she's making on you. It's a three word phrase to let you know how she feels not a cage that means you have to feel a certain way.

So which comes first? Not feeling it, or not putting any effort into it. That answer is you don't know because each one feeds off of the other. If you started putting effort in, even if you didn't "feel like it", you'd probably come to feel it again. If you stop putting effort in you stop feeling it. It really is as simple as that.

You're not obligated to be with her the rest of your life. If you want to break up, break up. But when I read your post, I don't hear someone who's trying to get out of this relationship, I hear someone who's running away from himself. Fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment are pretty much opposite sides of the same coin.

Whatever you decide I'd spend some time thinking about your own boundaries. If you want some time on the weekend to yourself, that should be fine. My concern is that you're not secure enough in that being fine to not feel guilty about it. So you cave and don't allow yourself to have what you need.

Nope. You read that entirely wrong and interpreted what you wanted to. My feelings didn't change as a result of her saying "I love you". My heart has been out of the relationship for a while and I've lately been wanting to end it. The timing is purely coincidental.

Yes, I'm 23 but I'm not 13. I know what love is and just because this is my first legitimate relationship doesn't mean otherwise. I had my qualms about the relationship to begin with but I gave it plenty of time to let my feelings change. They did and I enjoyed it for a while but now I realize she's not who I want to be with. I put in the effort at first and now it's because I know my heart isn't in it that I've stopped putting in so much effort.

Also, I'm not simply running from myself out of fear. I care about other people as much as myself so I take into consideration the effect I and my decisions have on others. It makes it more difficult for me to just dump someone. Especially when I've witnessed and experienced what that feels like.

It's not easy, but necessary.

If I was with someone who already knew that they didn't reciprocate my feelings and didn't see a future with me, I would rather him tell me than carry on in an effort to spare my feelings.

Look, it's inevitable. It's now, tomorrow or the next day because you can't do this indefinitely.

We tend to wait until things are bad or create some sort of conflict because it seems like a better excuse to leave.

But the mature thing to do is end it now, with some integrity. She'll be disappointed but you can't protect her feelings.

I'm not trying to tell you how you feel, just pointing out what I see. When I was 23 I thought I knew what love was. I was wrong. Completely, totally wrong. It was a legitimate question not an accusation.

Let's try this one more time:

She falls fast and you fall slow isn't some grand incompatibility. It means she's fallen for you and you haven't gotten there yet. It's your choice to decide that you never will, but it seems kinda weird. You acknowledge that it takes you a long time to fall in love with someone, but because she fell in love quickly it sounds like you've placed all this pressure on yourself....it doesn't sound like she necessarily put it there. You even say above about how much pressure it is for your first relationship. The picture this paints isn't "I don't love her and never will" it's more like "I don't want to say I love her but I don't think it's "fair" to keep dating her when she says she loves me and I'm not there yet".

Saying "I feel like I may have started to lose myself" is textbook fear of engulfment. That's not a diagnosis it's a point of consideration. It's something to think about. And it's the kind of statement that makes me think that it has something to do with you internally. Some of that has to do with your boundaries being weak. Instead of asserting yourself and taking the time you need for yourself, you feel guilty and surrender that piece of yourself to alleviate the guilt. Again, that's about you and not about the relationship, and it will continue to affect future relationships.

I'm not saying you should stay, I'm giving you something to think about. You can reject it out of hand, you can think I'm a presumptuous richard-wad if you want. But I'm simply sharing with you what I see in what you wrote in the hopes that in some way it will help you.

To your original question on breaking up:

1. Do it sooner rather than later
   
2. Be as honest as you can be
   
3. Don't change your mind just out of guilt
   
4. Cut all contact immediately after doing it. Do not indulge yourself in her "friendship" while she's grieving.
   

It sounds like you know yourself and know your truth. You just have to brave the consequences and recognize that it will benefit her MORE in the long run to have a break up and closure sooner so she can be free to find someone else sooner.

It sounds like you know yourself and know your truth. You just have to brave the consequences and recognize that it will benefit her MORE in the long run to have a break up and closure sooner so she can be free to find someone else sooner.

If you're going to dump her sooner is better than later. I don't think it sounds like he "knows his truth", it think it sounds very much like he's in denial of his truth. It sounds like he's avoiding what his heart is trying to tell him about himself. Frankly I'm surprised I'm he only one who sees it.

If you're going to dump her sooner is better than later. I don't think it sounds like he "knows his truth", it think it sounds very much like he's in denial of his truth. It sounds like he's avoiding what his heart is trying to tell him about himself. Frankly I'm surprised I'm he only one who sees it.

I don't see it either. I think he's very clear on his feelings and motivations.

I don't see it either. I think he's very clear on his feelings and motivations.

I don't know how I can point it out any more clearly. I'm not saying the relationship is right and should be salvaged, I can't possibly know that. I'm just saying that there's something else here too.

I understand what you're saying and what you're getting at. I just think you read more in my initial post than what was actually there though.

I'm certainly not the most emotionally healthy person, I'll admit that. But I've changed a lot in the past year or two and have made a lot of improvement in who I am. That being said, I'm not always the best at making decisions. I know myself very well and I can usually tell how I feel about someone very early on. Deep down, I kinda knew the relationship would only last a finite amount of time but I decided to throw caution to the wind and give it a chance. I certainly don't regret it, though.

My mind is not going to change out of guilt. I know that given any amount of time, I'm not going to fall in love with her. It just isn't there. I know I have to end the relationship soon and I'm thinking this week. My struggle, and why I came is, is figuring out exactly when and how to do it that's going to minimize the pain for both of us. I've never had to deliver such hard news to someone like this.

I will be honest but nice about it. I just anticipate her taking it really hard (tears, sobbing, etc..) and I'm not sure how to deal with that. Then brings the question of all the stuff. I have things of hers at my apartment and she has things of mine at hers. Agreed, cutting friendship and all contact is the best and healthiest way to go.

My struggle, and why I came is, is figuring out exactly when and how to do it that's going to minimize the pain for both of us. I've never had to deliver such hard news to someone like this.

It's kind of you to try, but I don't think you really can. You're both going to hurt. Trying to find the perfect time is probably just creating anxiety for you. Pick a time and do it.

I think just keep it simple and to the point - you don't find yourself developing stronger feelings so you think it's time to break things off.

Well, none of us have a crystal ball and it's really impossible to say that there's not a chance unless you give it a try. So you did but it didn't work out for you.

I think just tell her honestly, don't give her too much detail if she starts asking "was it my thighs???" or whatever. I think just keep it to the basics. Don't try to make her feel better with suggestions like my ex did: "You should go on Okcupid and find lots of men to sleep with, you'll feel better!"

There really is no good time, just best to do it like taking off a bandaid - fast and get it done. I think telling her this week is a good idea. If you know this is not the right relationship for you, it's best to move on. And so she has a chance to move on and meet the right man for her too.

good luck

Don't try to make her feel better with suggestions like my ex did: "You should go on Okcupid and find lots of men to sleep with, you'll feel better!"

What a complete moron!!! Sorry that happened to you, Annie!

Thank you everyone for your help and support! I ended the relationship tonight and it was probably the most difficult thing I ever had to do. I felt horrible afterwards and I've had my feelings of guilt but I know it was the right thing to do and the best for both of us.

She wasn't on the same page and didn't quite understand my reasons for ending the relationship but I think it's because of her past relationships. I know she's dated some younger boys previously and didn't have great relationships and she told me that this was the first relationship that felt different for her. It was the first great one and that's probably why she feel in love with me so soon. That really hurts to know that someone feels that way about me but I can't reciprocate those feelings. She took it better than I expected and we talked for a while. She gathered her things and we hugged and said a final goodbye. She said "I do love you, and I wish you good luck". I told her I think she's a great person and I wished her all the best as well.

I hope in time she'll realize that this really was for the best.

hugs. you did the right thing. you can now both move on.

Thanks. I know it was the right thing. It just tears me up though. I imagine that feeling will last a while.

You did the right thing. I just hope some time passes and you don't realise she was "the one that got away." Seems like this girl was really great but something was stopping you from feeling the same, rather than it being something you didn't like about her. It could be a good idea to look closely at this to avoid it happening again. Best wishes

You did the right thing. I just hope some time passes and you don't realise she was "the one that got away." Seems like this girl was really great but something was stopping you from feeling the same, rather than it being something you didn't like about her. It could be a good idea to look closely at this to avoid it happening again. Best wishes

 

Thanks! I understand what you mean. I hope so too but I keep assuring myself that that won't happen. She's a great person but there's some key differences between us that are sticking points for me. For starters, there was a but of a maturity gap. We didn't share the same religious beliefs (I'm not religious) which was not a problem between us but would have been a problem with her family if they knew I didn't believe in god. Ultimately, I could never have felt comfortable marrying into that family. And the bottom line is that there was something I just didn't feel in my heart no matter how hard I tried. When it's not there, you just know =/

Thanks! I understand what you mean. I hope so too but I keep assuring myself that that won't happen. She's a great person but there's some key differences between us that are sticking points for me. For starters, there was a but of a maturity gap. We didn't share the same religious beliefs (I'm not religious) which was not a problem between us but would have been a problem with her family if they knew I didn't believe in god. Ultimately, I could never have felt comfortable marrying into that family. And the bottom line is that there was something I just didn't feel in my heart no matter how hard I tried. When it's not there, you just know =/

If it had never been there then you definitely did the right thing. I'm surprised it got to 8 months to be honest but, better than 8 years I guess.

23 is really young as far as relajronships go. I don't think people are "ready" for a mature lasting relationship until at least mid-late twenties. That's not me being patronising by the way! You sound mature. It's just a way of saying take this time to explore yourself and what you're looking for in relationships and life. Everything else will fall into place when it's right

If it had never been there then you definitely did the right thing. I'm surprised it got to 8 months to be honest but, better than 8 years I guess.

 

23 is really young as far as relajronships go. I don't think people are "ready" for a mature lasting relationship until at least mid-late twenties. That's not me being patronising by the way! You sound mature. It's just a way of saying take this time to explore yourself and what you're looking for in relationships and life. Everything else will fall into place when it's right

I'm always mistaken to be older than what I actually am. I'm told I'm very mature for my age. It's a blessing and curse.

For sure, I definitely need to figure myself out more and nail down just what it is I'm looking for out of life. I think I've come a long way in the past year or two but I don't doubt that there's still more maturing to do. I suppose I should have ended things sooner than 8 months but it's very hard to outright end something that hasn't been bad. My struggle right now is trying to get over the fact that the person I cared about and talked to every day is now gone. The relationship didn't work out but now the friendship is gone with it. My sense of normalcy is gone. I hope everything starts to fall into place before long.